Cindy C.

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December 11, 2007

I finally made it home.  I had to stay longer due to losing blood.  I was one sick puppy.  Thank God it is over.

I had surgery around 8:00 on Wednesday, the 5th.  I wasn't nervous.  It was a good thing I did't know what was in store for me!  The only pain I had in the recovery room was from gas.  I actually moaned.  I literally begged the nurse  to let me walk to help with the gas.  I even said please.  She told me I couldn't walk until I got to my room.  I quit using the morphine pump around 2:00, just a few hours after surgery.  I felt like it was making me sick.  In the recovery room, I got more sick and weaker instead of better.  At the time, no one knew why.  They got me in my room around 5:00.  By then I could hardly hold my head up.  I was burping (or puking) acid.  All they gave me was pepcid.  This went on for the next 15 hours or so.  They decided to walk me to the bathroom.  I was wearing a heart monitor thank goodness.  They got me standing.  I was dead weight - I couldn't even shuffle a foot.  Cris said four nurses came running from the nurses station and said my heart monitor went crazy.  My heart rate went up to 160+ and my blood pressure dropped to below a 100.  He had his hand on my back.  He said he could feel the temperature change.  I was instantly cold and clammy.  I was going into shock from loss of blood.  I had to have three units of blood.  I pooped pure blood for two days.  The third wasn't so bad.  I popped out a hemoroid.  When I would come to myself, I thought I had made a big mistake.  I pictured myself as one of the people that have problems with this surgery.  I was in and out till about 8:00 the next morning.  

I feel better now.  My sinuses are draining into my pouch.  That is pretty nasty.  I feel short of breathe.  I've been working with my spirometer.  I walked half a mile on the treadmill this morning.  My breathing was ok.  I only walked 1.8 mph.  I started at 1.5.  Right now, my biggest problem is hunger.  Yes, you read that right.  I am hungry.  Yesterday, I felt like I was starving.  I've never been so hungry in my life.  It may just be my sinuses.  I have a lot of sinus problems and I always feel better if I eat to help absorb some of that nasty stuff.  I'm sensitive to smells.  I've never been one to have a weak stomach.  Some smells are hard to take right now.  I truly believe each day will get better.  I pray each day gets better.

November 29, 2007

I found out this afternoon that my surgery is going to be on Wednesday, December 5.  I have to call the day before to get the time.  I don't know why they do it this way.  

I'm not nervous yet.  I'm sure the nerves will kick in at some point.  Right now I almost feel kind of numb.  Weird huh?  I'm not as excited as I thought I'd be.  I'm anxious about all that needs to be done in the next 5 days before surgery.  (And before Christmas.)  I know it will all work out.  Right now I'm in the middle of accepting resumes.  I need help in the office really bad.  I'm short two people.  I'm more worried and stressed over this than anything else.

I hope the numbness goes away soon so I get a chance to really reflect on my upcoming journey.  I would really like to get to write some.  It always helps me put things in perspective.

November 20, 2007

I went to my pre-op class this morning from 8:00 - 11:00.  The first hour was spent with the Dietician.  She went over the four phases of eating.  Phase 1 is clear liquids while in the hospital.  Phase 2 is full liquids for three weeks.  Phase 3 is soft or blenderized food for four weeks.  Phase 4 is normal eating for the rest of your life.  She also emphasized the importance of fluids and protein.  She explained about the possibility of Window of Misery from 3 - 12 weeks.  I hope I'm not one of the people that has that to deal with.

The second hour was spent with a Behavioral Health Specialist.  She talked about the reasons why we eat.  Is it real hunger or head hunger?  She talked about recognizing the triggers that make you eat when you're really not hungry.  She let us know that there would lots of emotional challenges with this surgery and that the entire surgical weight loss team is there for us.  They even have a 24 hour phone line.

The third hour was spent with a Registered Nurse that has completed special training in Bariatrics.  She went over our hospital stay and recovery.  We had lots of questions for her.  One of the men that was there for the class, brought his wife with him.  She happened to be a nurse in recovery.  She was able to give us some insight from her point of view as well.  I felt fortunate to be in this particular class.  I think everyone liked having her there.

I had hoped to get to talk more with some of the other patients that were local.  It would be great to find an exercise buddy that was at the same level as myself.  I would love to have someone to get together with at least once a week.  Even if it was just for a really long walk.  That still might happen.  I have made three friends, but all are at least an hour from me, all in different directions.  One has already had surgery a year ago and done really well.  Of the other two, one is having her surgery next week and the other is still waiting for approval.  I am excited to get to be a part of their journey.  Maybe I can meet each one of them halfway once in a while.  Beginning in January though, I'll be working anywhere from 75 - 90 hours per week.  It will be like that at least thru February.  I'm hoping to hire some more people to help me.  It's hard to find people with experience though.

There are days I am worried about working so many hours so soon after surgery.  I usually get really run down and take double iron tablets and 2500  mcg of B-12.  It really has helped the last two years.  I'm hoping that by eating healthy instead of eating all the junk I normally do, that I will feel even better this year.  That would truly be Heaven sent.

I also worry about support.  It may be next to impossible to find time to get on this website to talk to other WLS patients.  I really believe this site will be a huge help if I get to be on here regularly.  I know it has been great pre-op.

Another worry, is fluids and walking.  I type and talk - a lot.  If I don't have clients in front of me, I am on the phone with them.  It's going to be tough getting my fluids in the first few months, since I need to constantly be sipping.  I am planning on bringing my treadmill to the office.  I plan to put it in the file room along with a big fan.  I'm hoping to take an extra 30 minutes at lunch so I can walk.  I know that's not much, but I'll do what I can.  In March, I want to join a gym, if time permits.  There is one that is hoping to start a session just for bariatric patients.  They may have it started by then.  

It has really helped to talk all this out on the computer.  I think my family is about talked out.  There are days they ask lots of questions.  Other times I think they're tired of hearing about it.  I guess they are like me really.  Some days they worry and want to talk, others they prefer not to dwell on it.  Even if I'm not talking about it, I am always thinking about it.  Sometimes, it's tiring.  It feels so close and yet so far.  Isn't that a song?  LOL.

Anyway, I could probably ramble on forever, but I'm at the office and need to get back to work.  It's almost 8:00 pm.  I really need to just go home.  I think that's what I'll do. 

 

November 10, 2007

Although I always felt I would be approved for surgery, I never realized how good it would feel to know that this is really going to happen.  Sometimes when I think about the change it's going to make in my life, I cry.  When I called to tell one of my sisters that I was approved, she thought something was wrong because I was crying.  It took a bit for me to pull myself together enough so that she could understand what I was saying.  I'll probably still be crying when they wheel me into the operating room.  LOL.  

Well, I went shopping the other day.  I bought myself two tops in a misses size medium and one in a juniors size large.  I also bought a pair of slacks in a size 12.  All of them are dress clothes for work.  I wore a size 12 about 10 years ago after losing 43 lbs.  I weighed 156.  I maintained that for close to a year.  They say sizes have changed.  I wonder what weight I'll be at when I finally fit into these new clothes.  I'm still planning on having to be in the 150s.  I weigh 228 now.  I wonder how long it will take to lose down to the 150s.  That's about 70 lbs.  If my surgery is mid December, I figure it will take me till June.  I'm secretly hoping I'll be in a size 12 by the end of May when my daughter graduates.  More important though, I just want to be able to walk up and down those bleachers comfortably.  I want my daughter to be proud of me.  She is so beautiful.  She is tall and slim like her dad.  She looks just like him too.  My son is a good looking young man too.  He has my dark eyes and temperment, but really looks like his dad.

I have been using unflavored Unjury in my decaf coffee for quite a while now.  I'm on my third cannister.  I sampled the chocolate.  It is good too.  I plan to buy some soon.  I tried some 100%  Whey protein from GNC in chocolate caramel.  It said to mix it with water.  That was nasty!  I have been drinking it in skim milk which is ok.  It's a little too sweet even though it only has 2 gr of sugar.  I don't plan to buy more.  I prefer the chocolate Unjury unless my taste changes after surgery.  

I am worried about getting in all my walking after surgery.  Starting mid January, I'll be spending more hours at work than I will at home.  I have a place planned at work to put my treadmill.  I am planning to take an extra half hour at lunch to walk.  I'm also hoping to walk a little after all my clients are gone for the day.  I won't get to walk on Sundays though because I'll be at home.  The only place I have to walk is a hay field and it isn't very level.  I am also worried about getting in all my water.  Most of the time at work, I have clients sitting in front of me.  I'll be typing and talking, typing and talking.  How will I find time to sip my water?  I realize how important it is.  I've thought of just telling them I had WLS and apologize but I need a lot of fluids.  I'm not ashamed.  I'm just afraid they'll have lots of questions and I don't have time for that.  It would cause me to run behind.  If the first appointment runs behind, the whole day is messed up.  Been there, done that.

I haven't done much fall cleaning.  I did take down the curtains in our bedroom and gave the rest of it a good cleaning.  I have had so little energy this year.  There is so much to be done it makes me feel sick when I think about it.  I tell myself that this is just about over.  I'm going to feel so good and have so much energy after I lose this weight.  Cleaning will be a breeze.

I have a good size closet and usually don't box up my clothes when seasons change.  I 'sometimes' rearrange them though.  I haven't done that yet either.  I have been thinking about boxing up all the things that I know I will never wear again.  I have someone that is interested in buying them.  It excites me to say I'll never wear them again.  My closet will be bare.  Oh what fun I'll have filling it back up.  I hope I get lots of gift cards for Christmas.  A whole new wardrobe is expensive.  It will be even more fun to shop if it's on someone elses dime.  My mother-in-law usually has me pick clothes out of a catalog and then she picks from those.  They're usually clothes for work.  I actually have dress clothes in sizes 14, 18, and 20.  The 14s have never been worn and are two years old.  (I was on a diet at Christmas two years ago.)  These sizes should get me through the winter.  I'm really going to need spring and summer clothes.  I love to shop for those two seasons.   This year will be especially fun.

Well, I need to go eat.  My belly is growling.  It's 2:30 and all I had to eat today was two cookies with some decaf coffee for breakfast.  I have some bad habits to break. 

November 7, 2007

The insurance company said they sent out a letter to the surgeon today.  I am finally approved!  I go on Nov. 20 for my pre-op class.  I am still praying they will get my surgery scheduled in December.  

I want to thank everyone that has said a prayer on my behalf.  And thank all of you for listening to my whining all this time.

November 2, 2007

I have faced several obstacles in my life and managed to come out on top except for one.  That one,  is losing and maintaining my weight.

As the baby of 12, I was always the center of attention, some might say I was even spoiled.  My mom cooked these huge country meals and there was always plenty to go around.  But that's not all I ate.  Some of the older kids in the neighborhood would bring me candy from a little store just down the road.  I don't remember being any different from the other kids until I was about 11.  I had my first real crush on a boy in my class.  He had his eyes on a tall thin girl and I wanted to be just like her.  She was even nice - darn it.  

That summer, I blossomed.  I went on a diet and rode my bike three times a day.  I lost all my baby fat and grew boobs!  I entered the sixth grade that fall at 5' tall, weighed 101 lbs., and more a B cup bra.  Life was good.  I had always been popular in school, but I had been really shy.  I fianally tried out for cheerleader and made the squad.  I twirled rifle and baton at a local baton school too.  Then came Junior High.  It was a nightmare.  The grade school I had attended was very small.  There were three other grade schools in my school district.  All four schools were combined at the Junior High level.  The kids from my school were treated like red headed step children.  I wouldn't even eat lunch at school.  And since I lived a good piece from the school, I had to get up really early to catch the bus.  It was too early for me to eat.  So, I went all day without eating.  Then, I eat all evening long.
By the time I was in High School, I still only weighed 121.  The thing was, I was chuncky compared to most of the other kids.  My mom said I was just short waisted and that made me look heavier.  It didn't make me feel any better.  

I dated a guy that never seemed to look at me any differently than any of the other girls.  We fell in love.  I got pregnant and dropped out of school.  Our son was born when I was 17.   We got married when he was two months old.  Life was rough.  My husband still liked to spend too much time with his friends and worked very little.  He liked to drink too.  When my son was 20 months old,  my husband was killed in a car wreck.  He wasn't driving, but he was drinking.  All four of them were.  Two were killed.  So, here I was, 19 years old, and widowed with a baby.  My husband hadn't worked enough quarters for me to receive social security for my son.  I was poor as dirt.  My parents wanted me to move back home, but I knew I needed to stand on my own two feet.  They weren't exactly spring chickens anymore.  Dad was 52  and Mom was 42 when I was born.  They didn't need to be taking care of me anymore.  I grew up really fast.  

At the time of the accident, I was studying to take my GED test.  I had already made up my mind that I wasn't going to live like I had been.  I took my GED test and went on to college.  We were going to have a future after all.  I weighted about 125 at the time.  Within a few years, I was up to 135.

I got married to my present husband when I was 25 and my son was almost 8.  By this time, we were doing good for ourselves.  The year before, I had special ordered a new mobile home.  LIfe was good again.  Then, my dad died later that year.  I ate for comfort   I weighed almost 170 when I got married.  I am not blaming lifes circumstances for my weight.  I was fat because of how I chose to handle lifes circumstances.  I am totally to blame.

Six months after we were married, I got pregnant.  When I went into labor, I weighed 199.  I was so afraid of hitting the 200 lb. mark.  I got back down to 160 something while nursing my daughter.  After being pregant, I actually felt good at that weight.

When I was 28, we bought a house and sold our mobile home.  In less than two months, my mom died.  My world came crashing down around me.  She was was rock and my very best friend.  How could I live without her?  All my life she had been the one constant.  She accepted me - the real me - faults and all.  Her love was truly unconditional.  And now she was gone.  At first I couldn't eat.  When my appetite returned, it returned with a vengence.  I kept my feelings all bottled up and my only comfort was food.  I ballooned to 199.  

When I was 32, I started my own business.  The first year was a huge success.  That same year, my husband finally got on full time at the post office as a rural carrier.  I stopped and looked at my life.  I felt like I had the world in the palm of my hand.  The only thing that could hold me back now, weas my weight.  It was time to do something about it.

So, I started a diet where I ate a certain diet for three days and then I ate a 1000 calorie diet with less than 20 grams of fat the other four days.  I exercised at home and walked three miles a day (part of it was up hill).  My road looped back around on itself and it was convenient.  One trip around was 1/5 of a mile.  I was obsessed.  I got mad if anything or anyone interfered with my walking.  I felt like it was my lifeline.  I felt better both physically and mentally than I had in years.  I went from a size 20 to a size 12.  Then, an elderly man that lived on my road, discovered I was walking.  He would come out to his fence and talk and talk.  I knew he was lonely and I didn't have the heart to be rude.  My mom would have rolled over in her grave if I had been.  Eventually, I quit walking.  I regained all that I had lost plus 10 more lbs.  

Through all these years, from the time I was 11, I dieted and gained, dieted and gained.  I dieted myself all the way to my present weight of 228.  This is the one obstacle that I can't overcome.  No matter how hard I try, I never come out on top.  Every other aspect of my life is good.  I have a loving husband, my kids are fantastic, I have a great relationship with all my siblings, we're living in our dream home (close), and my business has grown every year.  But, I want to be healthy too!  I want to enjoy life to the fullest.

After all the years of dieting, my health is starting to scare me.  I have high blood pressure, high choleserol, GERD, and am borderline diabetic.  Diabetes and heart disease really scare me.  My dad had heart disease.  I also have siblings that have really bad health.  Between all of my siblings, there is a history of obesity, heart attacks, open heart surgery, insulin dependency, strokes, kidney failure, high blood pressure, high cholestrol, fibromyalgia (sp), and cancer.  Some of them aren't really living, they are just existing.  It is sad and scary.  I don't want to be like them.  That is why I am taking control of the situation.  That is why I have decided to have WLS.  God be with me.

October 25, 2007

I talked to the insurance company today.  They still need two things from the surgeon.  They sent a letter to the surgeon yesterday.  I was told that the info could be phoned in instead of mailing.  The surgeons office tried to do that today and was told it had to be mailed.  Sooooo, she mailed it express today.  

While talking to the insurance lady, I explained that we were trying to hurry along the approval because if the surgeon couldn't get me scheduled before the first of the year that I would have to wait because I can't get off work Jan. - Apr.  She told me they definately would approve an RNY.  All they needed was this other info.  It was just a technicality.  I am so excited .  Yet, somehow it doesn't quite seem real.  I guess there is a part of me that is still worried about getting to have the surgery NOW, instead of waiting till May.  I am going to call the insurance company again on Monday.  Monday will be 13 days from the time the paperwork was originally mailed.  It will also be 13 days from the time that the surgeon said they were currently scheduling surgeries for the first week of November.  That should mean that this week they are scheduling for the second week and next week they will probably schedule for the last week .  I assume the third week they will be off for Thanksgiving.  They said they were going to take a week off in November and December.  So, if my approval comes through next week, I could be scheduled to have surgery the last week of November.  THAT IS DEER SEASON.  OH NO.  My husband and son live to go deer hunting that week.  I'm going to wind up screwing things up for my husband.  But I need to have this surgery ASAP.  In January I start working about 70 + hours per week.  I want to be completely healed by then.  God will make this happen in His time.  We'll just wait and see when that is.

October 23, 2007

I first saw my surgeon on Sept. 6.  I have gained three lbs. since then.  I am hungry all the time.  I crave sweets.  I have eat a ton of frosted cookies from Walmart.  This weekend I discovered they now have them in chocolate w/ orange frosting for Halloween.  I'm not much on chocolate normally, but these are delicious.  I told myself that I wasn't going to buy cookies at the store on Friday.  I bought two packages of ten each.  I have eat ten already and I was out of town for 24 hours.  I eat home made pumpkin bars while I was gone.

Over the last few months, I rarely feel really full.  I am ashamed to admit it, but I have started getting an extra sandwich or burrito to eat on the way home when I am bringing home fast food.  My family only sees me eat what I normally eat.  That is bad enough.  I usually eats two burgers and a order of fries or two big burrotos.  Now I have extra, especially if it's Taco Bell.  I am at work and just got a call from a client.  She sells pumpkin rolls in November and December.  I always buy one or two - usually two.  She has them ready early and is heading toward town - do I want one?  Well of course I do!  She asked if I had made coffee today because she knows I love them with coffee.  God help me.  I am working by myself too.  No one is here to see how much I eat.  

I want this surgery so bad.  I pray that I dump on sugar.  God please let me dump on sugar!  It is my downfall.  It makes me stay hungry and tired.  It is a vicious cycle.  I want this surgey to help me control my eating.  Right now, my eating is controling me and it just sucks.  It makes me miserable.  When I am at home alone, all I do is eat and sleep, eat and sleep.  It's no life - not at all.  I am tired of hiding behind food.  I feel like a prisoner.  Yet, right now, I am really anxious to get that pumpkin roll.  God should make me sick when I eat it.  I am going to eat it.  Probably a lot of it.  I brought two apples with me today.  I have already eat one.  I thought maybe if I saved the other one and ate it right before I left to go home, that I wouldn't eat too much for dinner.  Now I won't eat too much dinner because I'll be full of pumpkin roll.  

I wonder what will happen to me if I have to wait till May to have my surgery.  It really scares me.  I feel like I am self destructing.  Why am I doing this to myself?

October 17, 2007

I pulled myself together and called the surgeons' office today.  All my paperwork was ready yesterday and has already been mailed to the insurance.  Yeah!  She reminded me that my insurance could take a while.  I went to ask her a question and started blubbering like an idiot.  I could hardly talk.  I eventually asked her if they could schedule my surgery without approval and bump someone up if I didn't get it in time.  She said the hospital doesn't allow that anymore.  They had problems in the past.  She said right now they are scheduling surgeries for the first week of November.  Maybe if the insurance is real quick, I could still have my surgery in December.  

I pray that Gods' will be done - He knows best.  I also pray that whatever happens, God helps me to find peace with the results.

October 16, 2007

I am so depressed and disappointed.  I got a call fom the surgeons office today.  I was told they still needed a few things in order to get my paperwork ready for the insurance.  They had yet to receive cardiac clearance.  So, I called the cardiologist and his nurse is supposed to fax that info today or tomorrow.  I pray she does.  Thay also had never received my pap and mammo results.  I called (for the third time) and those were faxed today.  I called the surgeons' office to make sure.  Then she dropped the bomb after I mentioned getting the surgery over with before the end of the year.  She said the surgeons were normally very busy this time of year and that they were going to take off one week out of every month.  That would limit the number of surgeries they could do.  Why would they take time off now when they know they are normally busy and people are trying to get this surgery before the end of the year because of having met their deductible?  It just makes no sense to me.  It makes me mad, but more than anything, I just feel like crying.  She also told me my insurance said my paperwork had to be mailed and could take up to six weeks to get an answer.  I called the insurnace and they said it did, in fact, need to be mailed and it could take between 21 - 30 business days.

It's not that an extra few weeks is that big of a deal - normally.  I CAN'T BE OFF WORK FROM JANUARY THRU APRIL.  That means I would have to wait till May to have my surgery.  Depending on my insurance, and how long they give approval for, I may have to start over.  Getting off work before May is NOT an option.  I even thought (for just a minute) about trying to get a different surgeon.  But in my heart, I know that is a really bad idea.  It's important to have a good surgeon that you feel you can trust.  I have heard stories about some of the others that are not a part of this same program.  I would be risking a lot.  I won't change surgeons.  

So, my plan is to bug the insurance company once the paperwork is sent to them.  Once approved, I am going to write a letter to the doctor explaining my work situation and beg, beg, and beg some more for them to get me scheduled by mid December  Please say a prayer for me.  I just can't wait till May.  My daughter graduates then and I need to be able to get up and down the bleachers.  I can't even cry any more.