Cindy C.

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October 30, 2008

This is long and a lot of it is work related and not about WLS till towards the end.  It is my life though.
 
I am feeling so stressed right now.  I always do this time of year.  Tax Season is just a little over two months away.  I need to hire more preparers this year and it is sooo hard to find preparers with experience and the knowledge to work independently.  They need to be people oriented too.  That is so important.  I've hired preparers that were very knowledgeable, but were not good with people.  They only lasted a few weeks.  They've got to be able to "interview" the taxpayers to insure they are getting all the info needed to prepare the return.  We've got a great clientele and for the most part, they are very down to earth and like to carry on a conversation while we prepare their taxes.  They need to feel comfortable with us.  My office kind of specializes in that kind of treatment.  I believe we can be very professional without being stuffy.  I could never be stuffy.  I am extremely laid back.  Always professional though.  Speaking of which - drum roll please.........my office, Tax
Associates, just got voted BEST OF THE BEST IN TAX PREPARATION!!.  The announcement was made in our local newspaper on Sunday.  The newspaper said we just about won it hands down.  I was so excited and so proud of my team.  We really are a team.  This office requires all of us to run efficiently.  I just hope I can keep it running like that when we hire some new people.  Our personalities need to be a lot alike in order for us to work well together.  Last year went so well.  So smooth.  We even made it through the death of one of my sisters.  I miss her so much.  Of the 6 people in the office, 4 of us are related.  I know some people think it would be awful to work with family.  Not in my case.  They are awesome.  One of my sisters (I have 5 that are living), is the office manager.  She is like my right arm.  She does absolutely everything.  She makes my life so much easier.  She'll never know how appreciative I am.  Next in command (lol), is the receptionist/processor.  She is married to one of my many nephews.  She really works hard for her money.  As a matter of fact, she deserves a raise.  She runs the front like a well oiled machine.  She handles well over 100 calls a day, plus processes all the returns (copies for clients, the IRS, and the state).  She deals with everyone that comes in to drop off, pick up, ask questions, make appointments, etc.  She even makes sure the coffee pot is full and the bathrooms are stocked.  Whew!  I love her to death.  She spoils me.  And last, but not least, my daughter works as receptionist in the evenings.  She has since she was 15.  She is now 18.  Her job is not too busy in the evening.  She has even done homework.  Last year, however, she got stressed when she was too busy to do her homework.  I thought it was funny.  Everyone else felt sorry for her.  Not me - this is real life here.  That's it for family.  At least the blood related kind.  The other two employees are preparers and are like family also.  They only work part time - unfortunately.  I desparately need full time.  That is why I have to hire this year.  That is why I am so stressed. 

And to top it all off, I have only lost 1 lousy pound this month.  Just 1.  I haven't been exercising like I need to.  I know it would help with stress.  I keep promising myself that tomorrow will be better.  Yeah right.  I need to get back on track - to feel in control again.  Lately, I have been kinda depressed over my skin.  I swear I hate the bright lights in the dressing rooms.  They are cruel.  My belly (still no overlapping skin), seems to get worse by the day.  My boobs too.  Both are so wrinkly and so saggy.  Even my underarms are wrinkly.  Yuck.  I bought a new bra yesterday - 34B push up.  If it wasn't a push up, I would probably have to have an A cup.  I haven't worn an A cup since I was 11 and in the 5th grade.   I am so afraid that I won't be able to afford plastic surgery.  I can't stand that thought.  I look ok in clothes, but hate how I look when naked.  I just want my body to look like that of a 44 year old woman, not one that is 90.  I have 14 more pounds to get to goal.  Somedays, I have 15.  I've gained and lost that 1 pound for a month now.  I'm almost afraid of how my body (naked ) will look when I lose those pounds.  I know I need to lose them.  I need it to look better in my clothes and to feel emotionally complete.  Kinda weird.  But that's how I feel.   Will I ever be happy with what I see in the mirror?  Will plastic surgery make me feel like I want to feel?  What if, even then, I'm still not satisfied?  Lord, I'll need a shrink for sure.  This image stuff is really complicated.  At least for me.  That would be a good topic for our support group.  Are there others at my support group that feel like I do?  Our meetings are getting better.  We get to talk amongst ourselves more.  I really like that.  No one has said anything much about what they really see in the mirror compared to what other people see when they look at us.  Most people looked shocked when I say I'm almost there - just ? pounds to go.  They don't think I need to lose anymore.  Sometimes, it makes me mad.  Other times, it makes me feel good. 

In three weeks, we are going out of town to an early Thanksgiving dinner.  It's actually a surprise for one of my brothers.  There will be several family members there that haven't seen me since January when my sister passed away.  I am excited to see them and yet I feel anxious in a bad kind of way.  What if they expect me to look better than I do?  I'm hoping all this will spur me on - make me get back to exercising really hard.  It would be so awesome to go to that dinner and have lost 100 pounds.  Now I'm dreaming.  That would mean I have to lose 2 pounds per week for the next three weeks.  That's ambitious this late in the game.  One of my friends here on OH said she hired a trainer to get off those last 20 pounds.  She said now would be the perfect time.  She said it's going to be even harder if I wait too long.  I think she is right.  If I have an actual appointment with someone to exercise, I know I won't blow them off, like I have been the gym.  I just need to find me a trainer.  I need Gillian from the Biggest Loser!   I think I'll make some phone calls. 

October 8, 2008

I finally weigh what I weighed when I met my husband 25 years ago.  135 pounds.  I was 19 years old.  Just 3 more pounds and my BMI will be in the normal range.  It's hard to comprehend - I'm almost a normal weight.  It really gets me excited.  I can't wait to get in the 120s.  I've not been in the 120s since I was 16.  I got pregnant at 16 and gave birth to my son, Joe, when I was 17.  I gained 34 pounds with that pregnancy and only lost down to 135 after he was born.  I stayed there for several years until I decided to lose some weight.  That is when my yoyo dieting started.  I'd lose a few pounds and regain a few more than I'd lost.  I'd have been better off to just have stayed at the 135.  I wish my body looked like it did when I was at that 135 way back when.  lol.  Everything has kinda shifted south.  My boobs are actually smaller now than back then.  I have no volume left at the top.  Everything just hangs.  It's just plain nasty.  I look ok in a bra.  No one would ever suspect such hideous tits hid underneath my bra.  I'm thankful for pushups!  I have other issues too.  All this just started looking bad at about 7 months after surgery.  It's steadily gotten worse.  My belly has really wrinkled skin.  It doesn't overlap - thank God.  But the wrinkles look like a very very old woman.  Really old - like 90.  Since nothing overlaps and there is no possibility of a rash, there is no way the insurance could be convinced to pay for a tummy tuck.  So, the boob job and the tummy tuck will be my bill to pay.  It may sound awful, but I plan to raise my tax prep and accounting fees in January so I can pay for my surgery.  I've been wondering about something.  Statistically, who is most lively to keep their weight off after WLS - people who have had plastics or those who haven't.  I really would like to see some statistics.  I believe you're more likely to keep your weight off if you have plastics.  My husband agrees.  Are there other things that come into play though?  Things like a persons age, their occupation, where they live?  I guess all those could play a role.  If I'm going to be a statistic, I want to be on the good side.  lol.  I want to be recognized as a WLS patient that is a complete success, having reached and maintained a healthy BMI - forever.  I'm feeling quite optimistic about it.  At least for today.  Who knows what feelings tomorrow will bring.  As I've said before, I just plan on taking it all one day at a time.   One thing I believe I'll always be certain of is this - I AM SO THANKFUL FOR MY RNY!

September 9, 2008

It's been 9 months and 4 days since I had my RNY.  I' m still glad I had the surgery.  I can't even imagine how terrible life would be right now if I hadn't.  I was so inactive.  I was 228 lbs. of flubber.  There was nothing solid about me.  I had truly become a couch potatoe.  It was sad to have only been 43 and been in such terrible physical condition.  Me and my family missed out on so much during those years.  Sometimes I feel like I kinda mourn for the lost years.  I know that sounds crazy, but that's how I feel.  I have so much to make up for.  So much living yet to do.

And living we have done.  From about the third week of May to about the third week of August (102 days), we were gone for 31 days.  It has been the most awesome summer I have ever had.  We have met new people and made new friends.  And, it's not over yet.   We're leaving next week and going to be gone for 5 days.  This trip is another bluegrass festival, so it'll just be me and my husband.  My kids are adults now and don't care much for bluegrass.  There will be friends there though.  There are always friends.  There will just be more at this festival.  I am really looking forward to it.  One of my goals since before surgery was to go to Poppy Mountain and walk up and down the hills without getting winded.  I haven't gone for several years, so this is going to be special for me.  

I would have missed out on all we have done this summer if I was still morbidly obese.  I would have stayed home in the air conditioning, feeling sorry for myself.  My husband would have went a few places without me.  Guy time.  This year he insisted on me going everywhere.  Before, when he would be gone, I would buy all my favorite things to eat and would sit and stuff my face while I watched TV or read.  The only activity I had was maybe going to town to get something fattening from the drive thru.  How pathetic.  How did I ever become that person?     I guess it was one day at a time, one fork full at a time.

Well, here I am, 9 months later.  No longer morbidly obese.  No longer obese.  Just overweight - by 20 lbs.  I have lost 88 lbs. and now weigh 140.  My health is excellent.  No more blood pressure meds, no more cholesterol meds.  No more worrying about being borderline diabetic.    I have tons of energy and can walk up stairs, hike in the woods, and dance for hours without getting tired and needing to rest.  And how did I become "this" person?  I became this person because I had RNY surgery AND because I made the effort to walk on that treadmill, go to the gym and lift those weights.  Some people may think I took the easy way out.  That's not so.  I admit, for me, the surgery was easy.  Yes, I did have some bleeding, but it was nothing major.  My pain was extremely minimal.  I adjusted really well within a few weeks.  So where's the hard part?  The hard part came when it was time to get off the couch and change the rest of my life.  Go to the gym and sweat and push my body to do things it had never done before.  Things it didn't think it was capable of.  The hard part is now.  Dealing with head hunger.  Actually feeling hungry again.  The hardest part is yet to come.  Keeping the weight off.  Even though I have yet to reach my goal, I am already worrying about what will happen once I get there.  I've never been able to maintain a loss for long.  How do I maintain this loss?  I don't know that I have the perfect answer, but I do know that just like gaining the weight and becoming so inactive and unhealthy  was done one day at a time, that is how I plan to keep my weight off - one day at a time.  One healthy food choice at a time, one support group meeting at a time, one mile at a time, one dumbell at a time.

PS - For those who have asked about pictures, I finally took a few close up shots of myself so I can at least change my avatar.  I'll try to get it changed soon.  I promise.  Some friends took pictures last Friday at a party.  That's as close as I have come to having full length pictures taken.  I'll see if they can email them to me.

August 12, 2008

We went camping this weekend at Greenbo Lake State Resort Park.  We had such a good time.  My husband and daughter had to work the first morning we were there.  I was itching to hike in the woods but was leery of hiking by myself.  So, I took a walk from the campground to the lodge.  A good bit of it was uphill and I wasn't sure I could do it when I started.  I did it without any problems.

The next day, me and my husband decided to take a hike on one of the trails.  It was a 7 1/2 mile trail, but we took a shorter route that was 5 miles.  The first hill I had to climb was rough.  I was a little winded.  We stopped at the old cemetary and looked at some of the old grave markers.  The rest did me good.  The next hill was even bigger.  When I saw it, I thought maybe I had bit off more than I could chew.  lol.  I got up that hill and didn't even have to stop and rest!  After a few more hills, I was feeling good.  Just a natural kind of high.  When we got back to the campground, I didn't even feel tired.  I was sycked.  I really did it.  I climbed all those hills and it was so much fun.  I felt young again.  At that time, there was such a feeling af contentment and yet a feeling of "what do I do next?".  Absolutely no number on the scale or on a tag could have felt any better than what I was feeling right then.  ( I'll have to come back and read this the next time the scale stalls. )  I can't really find the words to describe how I felt.  It was just plain awesome.

Later in the evening, we built a fire so we could roast hot dogs and marshallows.  My husband picked his guitar for a while, as always.  After quiet hours at 11:00, our daughter went to bed and we plugged the IPOD into the speakers and quietly listened to some music and danced around the fire.  It was so much fun.  We are having the time of our life now.  We're doing things we haven't done in years.  We are so much happier.  All of us.  I am so thankful for this surgery.  I have my life back.  I have my confidence back.  Actually things are better than they have ever been.  I think I feel that way because when I was smaller before, I was young and not a confident person at all.  I was really kinda shy and tried not to draw attention to myself.  I would never have dreamed of dancing around a fire.  Dancing was for the dance floor back then.  Back then, I never even "cut loose".  I feel like now I am at a stage in my life where it doesn't matter.  You just need to have fun.  And boy am I having fun!  Life is just getting better and better.  I have so much to look forward to.  My family has so much to look forward to.  This is all just the beginning.  We haven't even scratched the surface yet.

August 5, 2008

Whew, I'm having the time of my life!  I've been to three different places in the past 6 weeks and am ready to go again in a few days.  This surgery has changed my life soooo much.  More than I could ever have imagined.  This last trip, I walked up and down hills and absolutely loved it.  I'd see a big hill coming up, and feel nervous about walking up it.  And I was able to do it every time!  I could even talk at the same time.  I've enjoyed so much time with my family.  It has brought us closer together.  I wish my son, Joe, could go with us some time.  He works so many hours.  He deserves some fun.

As of two weeks ago, I'm down 81 lbs.  I now weigh 147.  I'm a little disgusted that the scale hasn't moved in two weeks, but I haven't given up hope.  I have a goal to weigh 140 by September 16.  That is the Poppy Mountain Bluegrass Festival - the mother of all bluegrass festivals.  With just 6 weeks to go, that doesn't leave me much time.  The weight loss has definately slowed down and I still need to lose 27 lbs. to get to goal.  Sometimes, I'm afraid that will never happen.  It scares me.  I tell myself that the number of pounds lost isn't what is important.  My health is the most important.  But, I can't help but want to reach goal.  My doctors goal was either 147 or 146.  That is just not good enough for me.  I still feel fat.  I want to have a healthy BMI. 

I'm still at work.  Trying to play catch up since being on vacation so much.  It's almost 9:00 and I need to get home.  I told my daughter I really need to get some pictures taken tonight if possible.  It's been three months since I'm had one taken.  I hope I like what I see.  Have I been avoiding having my picture taken?  Maybe I have.  What if I don't like what I see?  Maybe that will just spur me on.  I really don't like "posing" for pictures.  I prefer to be in a crowd and have someone yell at me and give me time to do a quick pose.  It just seems more natural.  Anyway, I need to get home and think about taking some pictures.

July 9, 2008

It's been a little over 7 months since my RNY.  My surgeon says I'm doing well.  I'm no longer anemic, but I feel tired.  I haven't been working out as much.  I'm giving my body a rest.  I've been told that can be a good thing.  I have been walking though.  I just haven't been going to the gym as much.  I really enjoy walking outside.  I walked all around the hay field a few days ago.  In the sun.  I wasn't even tired or too hot.  After that, I walked up the hill on the other side of the driveway and picked berries as I went.  I love red raspberries!  Yum.

I have been spending as much time outdoors as I can.  My family is freezing me with the air conditioning.  Yesterday, we went to the County Fair.  It was very humid but I never broke a sweat.  Unless you've been there, you could never know how good it feels to not be sweating all the time.  It was always so embarassing before.  I always looked so miserable.  Red face and all.  Now, I just enjoy some heat.  I rarely run the air in the car unless I'm right in town and can't get a breeze thru the window.  This surgery has been wonderful.  

As of July 4, I'm down 77 lbs.  That puts my weight at 151.  Sometimes I'm happy with that and sometimes I'm not.  I'm really anxious to get to my goal of 120.  My doctors goal is 146 - I think.  That is definately too high.  I can't wait till I can say I only need to lose 20 some more lbs.  That will be so awesome.  I still have some people say I don't need to lose any more.  Sometimes I think they are just saying that.  There is nooo way they can really believe I am at the right weight.  No way.  My husband has been fantastic thru this journey.  He's a man of few words most of the time, but he has his way of letting me know how he feels about my success so far.  He seems to be more vocal about it with other people.  I've overheard him several times telling someone about me going to the gym and walking all the time.  I know he is proud of me.

I've found myself distracted with most all other things in my life right now.  Work is terrible.  I was on vacation for two weeks and hated to go back.  I love to just hang out at home and walk and exercise when I want and not have to try to work it all around my schedule.  However, I do know, that when my life is busy, I work out harder.  Isn't that weird?  I wonder why.  I am worried though about tax season.  Last year in Jan. and Feb.  I was only walking on the treadmill.  I didn't start going to the gym until Mar.  I absolutely can't give up going to the gym for those two months - no mater how crazy they are at the office.  I have to figure out something.  I may try to find a piece of equipment that I can use at the office and use some free weights too.  I need to be able to work all parts of my body, plus do my cardio.  ALL in the file room.  lol.  Now there's a challenge.

I have yet to go hiking.  Really hiking.  I actually would like to go the first time by myself.  I am a little leery of that though.  Safety first, I know.  The world is full of weirdos.  Even in the woods.  It's just that if I don't do so well, I'd rather humiliate myself in private.  We have 16 1/2 acres at home and lots and lots of hills, but it is too grown up to hike through.  Maybe in the fall it won't be too bad.

I haven't had any pictures taken in quite a while.  I think it was two months ago.  I really need to do that.  I'd like to take some in different outfits so I can really compare.  I KNOW I have changed, but sometimes I see myself fatter than I think I really am.  I guess a lot of WLS patients go thru this.  I wish there was someone my size that I could look at and know what I really look like. I watch these infomercials on TV that tell what size someone is now after losing weight.  I see someone that is "supposedly" my size and I don't think I look like them at all.  Then, a few shots later, they'll show someone else and they don't look like me either.  Its' frustrating for me.  I know size shouldn't be important, but I can't help myself.  It has become important to me.  Actually, I guess it always has been important to me.  Shallow.  I just want to look like I feel inside and I don't think I do.  Maybe one day, my inside and my outside will equal each other.

June 20, 2008

Yeah!  I now weigh 155.  I haven't been that small since sometime in the 80s.  I got down to 156 back in 1997.  It was short lived.  I lost 43 lbs. back then.  With WLS, I have now lost 73 lbs.  I can't wait to hit the 140s.  The smallest I have been since my son was born (I was 17), was 135.  The day I go below that will truly be a day to celebrate.  When I see I'm getting close, I'm going to have to plan something big.  I don't know what it will be yet, but I definately know it won't be food!  lol.  Celebrating with food, grieving with food, whatever the occasion, I ate.  I am so glad that is behind me now.  I must admit though, that I do have a fear that someday those old feelings will come back.  It's very scary.  My mind has really been messing me the past several days.  I think it's because I am so tired.  I hope when I go to the doc on Tuesday, that he has some answers for me.  I want that energy back that I had just a short while ago.  I need it so I can keep going to the gym.

On July 5th, some friends are having a huge party.  I saw a few of the people that will be there back in March.  I have changed so much since then.  Some of those that will be there haven't seen me since the last party in July.  I am excited for them to see me now.  That is less than two weeks away.  I hope this "feeling fat" thing is gone by then.  I want to really workout super hard so I can look my best.  I have to quit being so lazy.  I need to concentrate on getting in more fluids too.  I always get my protein, but sometimes lack with the fluids.  Especially when I'm not home.  I promise promise promise I will do better!  

I know I'm at the point now, that my weight loss is slowing down.  I have been setting goals and have fallen a tiny bit short.  My newest goal is for The Poppy Mountain Bluegrass Festival.  It's the third week of September.  This is most likely going to be the next time I see the crowd from the July party.  It is truly the mother of all parties for our gang.  My goal is to weigh 140 by then.  That is a loss of 5 lbs. per month, for a total loss of 87 lbs.  

My next goal is to weigh 129 (how awesome to be in the 120s) by January 2 when Tax season starts.  When I had this surgery, I thought I would lose all 108 lbs. within a year.  I know now that was unrealistic for me. Maybe for others, but not for me.  I am perfectly ok with that.  My only concern is buying clothes.  I try to dress nice at the office and I hate to invest in expensive clothes that may not fit later.  I really think though that if I can get to the 120s, wahtever I buy will still fit when i reach my goal of 120 .  I wonder what size my dress clothes will be?  It will be so exciting to shop for them.  I plan on buying whatever my heart desires - no matter what the cost!  I may even go to Columbus or Lexington instead of shopping locally.  The last few years, I bought cheaper clothes.  I just didn't feel I deserved better.  And I bought for comfort, not style.  I still need to keep comfort in mind though.  That's because I work at least 14 hours per day, sometimes it's more like 16.  Because I have an outfit on for such a long time, I usually don't buy any clothing that has to be dry cleaned.  I can't afford to dry clean my clothes after only one wear.  And I just don't feel fresh in something that I've already wore for 16 hours.  Yuck!  This may pose a problem when I'm shopping for my new stylish clothes.  lol.

Well, it's time to get a refill on my water.  I need one more bottle before going to bed.  Time for a shower too.

June 17, 2008

The last week or so I have really felt fat.  Where is this coming from?  It is so depressing.  At 6 months out, I have lost 71 lbs. and that seems like such a small amount for 6 months to have passed.  Some people seem so impressed with how I have changed in 6 months.  Why am I not impressed?  I think I was for a while.  What happened to change that?  I'm not as happy as I was, or at least I don't think I am.  

I do feel tired.  A lot.  I haven't been taking my Repliva (iron) for about 1 1/2 to 2 weeks.  The last time I took it I had to lay down.  I hate that stuff.  When I go to the gym, I feel sooo tired.  I've been going now for three months and there are days when it seems like it is harder now that when I first began.  It surely must be my anemia.  I go back to my surgeon on June 24 for my 6 month follow-up.  I'll have bloodwork done prior to the appt. and he will let me know what my numbers are.  At my last appt., he said if my levels didn't raise, he would send me to a Hemotologist to see about iron infusions.  I'm ready  - if that's what it takes to feel better.  

I do feel much better than I did this time last year.  Don't get me wrong, this surgery has been awesome.  So, I always tell people how great I feel compared to last summer.  I don't mention that I feel tired right now compared to just a few weeks ago.  It seems everyone is trying to find something wrong with you.  Like they just expect it.  Everyone knows someone that had a bad experience with this surgery and they looked like hell, etc.  Do they wish I looked like hell?  Sometimes I wonder.

The end of last week, I had a few people come into the office to pay their quarterlies.  They hadn't seen me since April.  They ALL said I shouldn't lose any more weight because it would make me look sick.  For crying out loud - I am 5' 1" and weigh 157 lbs.  I am not a normal size person.  The BMI charts still consider me overweight.  I AM overweight.  Do these peolple think they are paying me a compliment?  Cause I'm not taking it that way.  What will they say - or think - when I am down another 20 or 30 lbs.  Are they going to tell me I look like crap?  Will anyone consider me to actually look good?  Maybe I'm vain, but I do want to LOOK good.  Yes my health is important, but I want to look good.  I want other people to think I look good.  I wish their opinion didn't matter, but it evidently does.

WIth all that said, I did get some great compliments over the weekend.  We went to a friends' college grad party and I had a great time.  All of the people there, except one, hadn't seen me since I'd had my surgery.  They were too kind.  It's a miracle my head fit into the car to come home.  As I said, I had a great time.  My husband and several others picked music way into the night.  We sang and danced - it was so much fun.  I really cut loose - a lot.  You see - I don't sing.  That is my husbands' territory - not mine.  I can't carry a tune in a bucket.  Strange though, I've yet to feel embarrassed about it.  Now I may have embarrassed my husband - lol - but he wouldn't admit it.  I just hope no one decides to talk about it.  Then, I might feel embarrassed.  Ouch.

I went to our WLS Support Group on June 12.  I hadn't been since March.  It would have been financial suicide to have gone in April (tax deadline).  In May, they didn't have a regular meeting.  Instead, they had a retreat at a local state park.  I would have liked to went, but it was the same weekend my daughter graduated.  The meeting was a disappointment.  The topic was Transfer Addiction.  It was informative, but I would have preferred to just swap stories with other post-ops.  That was another thing too - they were very few people there.  I guess with summer, everyone must be too busy.  Next month, the meeting is in the park next door and they're having a scavenger hunt.  I think it might be fun, but I would still like to have a pow-wow session.  I like OH, but everyones program is different and I would like to talk with others that are sharing the exact same program as me.  Am I whining?  Yes, I am.  lol.

Maybe I'm just feeling down.  I don't know why I would feel down.  Life is great.  It really is.  Just a few weeks ago I was teary-eyed because it was so great.  Now I'm finding things to complain about.    I don't want to be like that.  I like to be a positive person.  It gets on my nerves to be around someone who is negative all the time.  I actually try to avoid people like that.  Right now, I feel like I'm one of them.  MAKE IT GO AWAY!

I'm at work right now.  I get off in 40 minutes.  I plan to hit the gym.  I always go in the morning.  I just couldn't get motivated this morning.  I got up at 6:20 and did the usual - put on the bacon, rubbed my husbands back, packed his lunch, had my sugar free capp w/ unflavored Unjury and sugar free english toffee syrup (yum).  By 7:30, I was ready to hit the couch for a nap.  I slept till almost 10:00.  I didn't have to be at the office till 12:00, so I spent the next 1 1/2 hours watching Rachel Ray and getting ready for work.  I've stayed busy today, as always.  I should be working now because I am behind, but here I am typing away on this site.  Not as productive as I would have liked to be, but I know I needed to put my feeling into writing.  Sigh.  Hopefully, the gym makes me a little more lively.  My husband isn't going to be home this evening.  He's helping a guy do some welding on a race car.  My daughter has to work.  So, I don't even have to cook tonight.  I just need to concentrate on my workout.  I just hope I don't feel so tired.

 
June 11, 2008

My family reunion was June 7 and I had family in from out of town staying with me on my surgiversary (June 5).  This is the first time I've had time to sit down at the computer for several days.  

It's hard to believe that 6 months has passed already.  Is the honeymoon over?  We'll see.  I have lost 71 lbs. and weigh 157.  Sizes are everywhere.  It just depends on the style and material, I guess.  I still can wear some of the 12s I have, although they are really too loose.  I mostly wear 10s and some 8s.  My favorite pair of pants is denim capris in a size 10.  I love them so much that I tried to find them in a size 8, but couldn't.  I did try on a size 6 and even buttoned and zipped them.  I decided not to buy them though.

My family reunion was great.  I had hoped to weigh 155, but at least I was in the 150s.  I wore Duck Head shorts in a size 8 to the reunion.  I had bought a pair of Levis shorts in an 8 too, but my daughter thought the others looked better on me.  I decided she was right.  I guess I wanted to wear the Levis because I couldn't wear Levis before my surgery.  Or at least I couldn't wear the size 22s I was trying to fit my butt into.  I refused to try on a bigger size back then.  Instead, I bought whatever brand I fit in.  I usually bought cheaper clothes too.  I guess I didn't feel I deserved to have better because of my size.  Why did I feel like that?  I discriminated against my ownself.  Weird.

I received lots of compliments at the reunion.  No one thinks I need to lose another 37 lbs.  It really doesn't bother me though what others think about that.  I did have a comment from one of my nieces that wasn't so nice.  She's known for such comments.  She told me I sure didn't look like I was a D cup - more like a B.  She brought up the whole bra size thing - not me.  I just laughed and told her yes, I'm still a D, but I about have to roll them up and tuck them inside.  She sort of seemed disgusted at the thought.  lol.  Oh, to be in my twenties again, like her.  Not a chance.  I actually like being where I'm at in this stage of my life.  It's comfortable.  

I didn't get to take any pictures on my surgiversary.  I may try to take some in a few days.  We're going out of town for an adult graduation party this weekend.  And I do mean party.  It will seem odd to not drink socially with everyone.  I usually have about 6 beers at a party.  Not this one though.  My pouch means more to me than that.  I would never do anything to damage it.  When I drink, I do it to relax and have a good time.  I feel so much more at ease with my new size now and don't need to drink to relax.  I like myself now.  I never thought about that before.  But I do - I like myself.  I like me for taking care of my body.  I'm not ashamed anymore.  Wow.

I measured myself a few days ago, and was happy with the results, although I don't have those figures in my head right now to post here.  I do remember though, that the problem area between my chest and waist is shrinking.  I lost right at 2 inches off that area in the past month.  I can now do 4 sets of 50 crunches on the ball.  They hurt, but that lets me know they are working.  I wish I could do them every day.  I only get to go to the gym three days per week.  I have a ball at home, but I don't like it because it is too small.  The crunches just don't feel right  on it.  It may just be that I got used to the one at the gym.  

Well, it's getting late and I'm still at work.  I need to get home and fix supper.  I went to the gym for resistance training this morning.  Some time this evening, I need to hit the treadmill for some cardio.  I like to do it at home and when I'm alone.  I know that sounds weird, but I love to turn up the Ipod and sort of walk to the beat.  I sort of dance with my arms too.  I get kinda funky with it.  I probably look funny.  I do enjoy it that way though.

  

May 27, 2008

I forgot to mention in my last post that I cleaned out my closet - finally.  Now keep in mind, it's a walk-in closet.  I cleaned out 9 kitchen size drawstring garbage bags full of clothes.  I haven't even touched the dresser drawers yet.  I take that back.  I did throw away some very tatty looking panties and bras.  I was glad to see those granny panties go, even though I hadn't worn them for a while.  I have already gave away 2 bags to a great niece.  I have 2 sisters that are supposed to go thru the rest of them.  I won't be sad to see them gone.