Erynn Z.

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Today was my first "official" surgery date. I'm kind of glad that it got pushed back. It gives me more time to prepare, and to enjoy the remainder of the holiday season.

I'm worried about how I'll be able to get all of my protein in after surgery. I'm worried about how tight money is going to be in January, and for the first few months afterward. I'm worried about the pain, and whether or not I'll really be ready to come back to work after 3 weeks. I'm worried about not being able to do basic things for myself.

I'm thankful for this board, and for my angel, Maureen. I'm thankful for the support of my mom, even though her friends tell her she's nuts. I'm thankful that I have an awesome surgeon. I'm thankful for Jackie, the best nurse in the world. I'm thankful for the Bariatric Bunch (the support group for Dr. Hares' patients.) I'm thankful that work has been more or less understanding about taking 3 weeks off. I'm thankful to be doing this before I'm a health trainwreck.

My surgery is now 26 days away. I hope to be up and posting when I'm still in the hospital, provided they have internet access available.

I've been doing some things to prepare for surgery, like exercising every day and increasing protein/decreasing carbs. The amount of meat that it takes to fill me up is incredible. I feel like I ate a barnyard yesterday. Not to mention how much more fat I'm eating as a result, even though I try to minimize it.

I found myself thinking, "If only I could be satisfied by x amount, and it wasn't so fattening!" ...and then it clicked. The DS WILL make it so that I'm satisfied with a much smaller amount; and the fact that I won't be able to absorb fat well will make everything i eat 80% less fattening! It's the perfect solution. My digestive system will be optimized for this kind of eating!

I'm excited. There's less than a month left until surgery!!!

Today has been a very happy day!

First, I was in the supermarket and discovered "eye of round" steaks. Normally if I'm in the meat department, I'm bee-lining for chicken or seafood, but for the past couple days I've had a red meat craving. Anyway, they're the perfect serving of steak, (about 4 oz each) and they've got VERY little fat, so it's all meat! YUM! (I am abnormal in that I hate marbling and like my beef dry and lean.)

Later, I talked to my mom, and surgery financing is all set! My monthly payment is going to be significantly lower than I expected, so I'm happy about that.

After that, I talked to the surgeon's office, and my surgery is going to be WAY early in the morning on the 2nd, so Mom will be able to be there. Yay! I'm so excited.

Finally, I've been riding my stationary bike in the evenings again, and upping my protein in preparation for surgery. That, combined with correcting my B12 deficiency, is starting to work wonders for my outlook and energy level, so I'm feeling pretty good today.

Long story short, I'm back with my original surgeon, with a new date of 1/2/07. My insurance only covers me in-state for non-emergency procedures, so if I were to have complications in Ohio, they couldn't just discharge me and immediately readmit me so that insurance would pay for complications. There were other factors too. 

Anyway, I'm hoping this is it!!!

Wow. When I got the final price today, it had gone up AGAIN! (First I was quoted 25k. Then 30k. Now 35k! All due before surgery!)

At first I was completely bummed. But then the stubborn German kicked in, and I called Dr. Lane's office in Ohio, because I remembered reading that the hospital had direct financing.

Long story short, after talking extensively to the PA about it, I believe that the program is superior, I can have my DS done laparoscopically, it will be MUCH cheaper out of pocket, and I've got my consult on December 6th at 3pm. Woohoo!

So yeah. Life threw me lemons, but the resulting lemonade is delicious!!!

Woo! I got myself some sippy cups and baby spoons/forks! (and some personal wipes.) This is really happening! Yikes and Yay at the same time.

Last night I had a really bad dream about the surgery. In it I waited and waited and waited ALL day on my surgery day, but then I was told I'd have to reschedule for months later. I was bummed. The bummed feeling outweighed the significant fear I had when I was waiting, so I think I'm ready.

But I'm scared.

I called the insurance company on lunch, and they gave my my denial, so at least that's not up in the air anymore. I then got on the phone with Mom and Dad, and they agreed to help with financing. Now the only question is whether I'll be able to keep my date, or whether the hospital will require all funds to be liquid prior to my surgery. I'm hoping they'll allow a proof of funds and then just send a bill. That way I'd get to keep my date.

It's looking like this is really gonna happen on schedule... I'm getting SO excited! And also scared because there's so much left to do!

And then, when all seemed lost, there shined some hope in the distance....

I went to Lansing this weekend (and yes, participated in the feast that was the big family dinner. *guilt*)

However, I was able to sit down and talk openly with Mom and Dad yesterday afternoon about finances. I should have known Dad was behind Mom's sudden change of heart. I know why, and he has good reason. But we might be able to reach a compromise. I feel bad about making mom feel bad. She said she was ready to just give me the money before Dad stepped in.

Anyway, Dad says that he wants me to go into debt all I can before they help with the rest. I'm fine with doing that. I would have done it anyway and never asked them for help if I could have. I can use everything that I'm approved for through Care Credit (about $6,600) for surgery costs, and what I'm hoping is that Mom and Dad will be willing to help with the remainder, and I'll pay them back over X amount of time. There are still major uncertainties, but at least I have hope that I'll get to have surgery in the next month again.

The outlook is still not-so-good, but at least I'm not crying myself to sleep anymore.

All of my pre-op testing is done. My psych eval is done. Everything's in to the insurance company. Now I'm just waiting for their decision. 

One thing that did show up in my pre-op testing is that I'm B12 deficient. That was most likely the cause of the health scare that lead me down this road in the first place. I'm glad it was just that, but the wakeup call remains that I need to lose this weight before something goes seriously wrong.  The B12 deficiency might help my case for getting DS approved over RNY, though. DS leaves the part of the stomach that absorbs B12 intact, whereas RNY doesn't.

Things still haven't improved with Mom. There was no contact in a few days, and then an email exchange. She seems to want to ignore the 400lb gorilla in the room, so to speak. To top it all off, she ended with an invitation to come to dinner with the Grandparents tomorrow night. (Know that dinners in my family aren't just dinners. They're Roman-esque binges that leave you asking where the vomitorium is.)  I can't do that. I gave her an honest reply about how unloved I feel; and I ended by asking her if she also invited recovering alcoholics to go bar-hopping. 

I feel so much uncertainty right now, and I wish I could say that this whole ordeal hasn't tested my already-shaky faith, but it has. I'm just hoping and praying that I get to keep my date and have the surgery as planned, with or without Mom's help.

Yesterday I had my last bloodwork and psych eval; both went well. I found out that I'm B12 deficient, so the DS is really the best choice for me from a medical standpoint, too.

I should be happy today. However... Insurance is being a nightmare, and I know I'll be denied because I'm a yo-yo-er who hasn't let herself stay above a BMI of 40 for more than 12 months... and because I don't have significant co-morbs yet.  This was the case all along, and I had a backup method of financing in place... or so I thought.

Mom's being all wishy-washy with the backup funding now that surgery's getting closer. She wouldn't be paying for it, but she would be fronting the cash and I would pay back the loan over 5 years. Things would be tight, but it's within my means to do that. Plus, I'd be able to deduct my medical expenses and give her a balloon payment at tax time toward my principal. I'm just so depressed. Her only comment was, "I don't want to part with my money." I offered to show her W2s, paystubs, a budget plan, and my credit report which is good, but she said she didn't need to see all that. She thinks me having surgery would be nice in the way that getting a new sweater would be nice. I just can't seem to convey to her that this is NOT THE SAME THING! I have no idea what's going through her head, but I imagine it's that she loves her money way more than she wants her daughter to be as healthy as possible.

Mom has said in the past that she'd rather have Multiple Sclerosis than be obese. (And she meant it.) Yet she's perfectly happy to let me struggle with the challenges of obesity, even though she has the means to stop it.

I have never felt so utterly unloved in my entire life.