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I have just returned home from my sleep study and I do have sleep apnea and will be returning to have a night of use of the CPAP machine on Monday. Just taking everything in strides. I am glad I know now. I can't wait to have a full nights sleep again, it has been years. 

I'm regretful that I've let myself become this way. I'm regretful I gave my treadmill away a few years ago. How can I justify the expense now? I like to live without regrets, but today is a weak day and I'm regretful of a lot. 

Meditation and refocus in progress.

I have many things I'm working through as I inch closer to more appointments. Tomorrow is the nutritionist, I've done my homework and wrote a 2 day diary of my food intake. It was not very pretty, and let's face it, I know why I'm where I am today. 

Today I brought up something with my very supportive husband. I think I brought it up the wrong way. I don't have a right to ask him to change, but I was curious if he had thought about all the changes that will be coming to fruition and whether or not his 3 x 64 oz slurpee habit or cigarettes were going to follow him to his grave. He is not overweight. Has no problems with weight, but his teeth are starting to decay and I can only imagine the toll the cigarettes are taking. I am not asking him to fix this now, I just wondered if my decision to have surgery to help myself had any impact on his smoking cessation or what not. His response was, so if you fail - it's my fault for not quiting too? Of course that's not the equation. Then it was something along the lines of - well, I can't have surgery to stop those things. He knew what he said was hurtful, and apologized a little while later. 

I am certain this will be a topic I revisit with the psychologist. I'm okay making my changes, but I don't want to become resentful of my husband when I see him enjoying life in a usual way. His grandfather died of lung cancer so I have a vested interest in his smoking habit coming to an end. I want as many years as I can muster from him. 

I'm trying my hand this week - I'm following the pre surgical diet of 2 meals of protein shakes and a dinner of protein, veggies and no liquid. Plenty of water as usual. I can do this. 

Next week I meet with the nutritionist and I also go for a sleep study. The wheels are turning. Medical Insurance seems to be covering everything even my meeting with the  nutritionist. I feel blessed. 

My menu for the family is almost complete. We all had a little talk about some of the foods we eat now and how we will be having less of some of them. I want everyone to understand that we have to eat healthy more than we eat unhealthy. I won't deny them good foods in moderation. I just won't. There are dishes that I will save for their Sunday dinners and will space them throughout the year. Everyone has a lot of physical activity here but me. I'm in pain all the time and spend much of my time just managing my pain. I start physical therapy in a few weeks and hope that I can use this as my spring board for after my surgery. 

I have now completed three days in my meal diary. I am not listing calories. I list everything I eat, giving estimate quantities and also emotions/cravings. When I hit seven days of this, I'm going to start including calories, fat, protein and fiber. I hope the routine gets to be second nature, as of now it's tedious. I do it though because this is what I must do. I will not mess this up. 

We went out to dinner the other night. I enjoyed it, but the entire time I kept thinking how I couldn't possibly eat these things very soon. I wasn't that upset about it. I ate and I didn't feel ashamed, but I did just listen to my body. I realized a routine of dining and feeling horrible for a few hours after. Only then after this time passed was I able to be decent company. I don't want that to be my life anymore. No more feeling immobile because of what I've ingested. 

I had a nice mixed drink too. I thought to myself, well I won't be drinking like this anymore, juice and rum? I don't think that will be on the menu. 

I'm trying to view each day realistically and think about what I'm eating. I think to myself, "well, this is the last time I'll be able to eat this!". But,  when I do actually make the switch. I feel like I should have already been eating differently. Its having an effect on my "last meals" I had wanted to make sure I had some of my favorites before saying goodbye. I'm starting to realize there are really only a couple things I want to taste before I begin. I had a piece of cheesecake with that dinner out. It wasn't even that great. I don't like how my body feels after I eat these things now. I imagine I'm mentally preparing myself. I've been obsessing about this process. 

I hope I find a happy medium pre -surgery. 

I just found out last week that I'm covered with no waiting period for my gastric bypass surgery. I'm starting my appointments with the various doctors and am expecting to be thoroughly exhausted  by the many questions. At this point in the process I'm still feeling a little bit in a daze that I will be changing my life forever. I'm working through meditation to try and prepare myself for what is to come. The two week diet prior to surgery - precursor to the next couple of months - seems doable.

I don't want to ignore what got me here in the first place. I start eating at any point in the day and I cannot stop until I go to bed for the night. I can go a long time without eating at all - no desire to etc, but when I start - I'm disgusted with myself. Every 20 minutes or so - something new is in front of me to eat. I don't eat so much junk. I eat a lot of healthy foods, just a LOT of them. Far too many calories for my little body a day. Too much food and definitely too many sugars. 

I've been part of a group for over a year dealing with sugar addiction. I have selected gastric bypass specifically for the side effects that come with eating sugar. I don't want to be ABLE to eat it. I know I must tackle this self discipline issue, but knowing that I will have this extra help on my journey makes everything seem livable. I know about all kinds of different diets, as I'm sure most who come to this point in life do, they've tried these diets, failed many times even and finally relent to surgical intervention. I need less weight on my body so I can move so that I can feel better. Moving more = feeling better in my book. I struggle with the desire to be more active and then actually getting active and realizing that I can't tolerate much activity at all without wheezing or needing to sit down. I'm simply too fat. I deal with chronic pain in addition to this - I can't say that I know if the pain/health ailments are a direct result of my obesity or if my obesity is a result of not being active due to pain. It's very veiled. 

I trust that when I relieve my bones of 150 lbs I will feel far better than I have in almost 20 years. I want to feel excited about going out again. I want to feel better about myself when I present myself to new people. I want to just feel better. 

I have spent the last week indulging because I felt like here I am about to change what I can eat for the rest of my life in a very permanent way, I DESERVE to have a little fun right? Well there is what my problem always is, I justify what I'm eating by what I've had to deal with in life as stressors. I don't have a full plan yet for what I will do now that I won't be stuffing my face as a drug to deal with stress. I have a lot of hobbies that have gone untouched for several years and perhaps I will focus my new abundance of time/attention on those hobbies. 

I want to say I'm doing this for myself. That's the right thing to say right? Well - I am. I am also doing it for my family. They deserve a healthy mom. 

I'm interested in reading/talking to other women or men that are going through this procedure now, or recently, or in the near future. I am nervous about meal plans for my family while I'm adjusting to my new eating life. I'm thinking about setting up a grocery list/ menu plan for 8 weeks following my surgery to relieve myself of thinking about their food with too much stress. Premade shopping lists to have the husband shop when I feel like maybe I just can't stand to be in a super market. I'm worried about existing in a world of all the foods I used to love. Here's to hoping for strength. 

I haven't even mentioned the worry about how my body will look after I am closer to a healthy weight. I guess it can't be worse than looking in the mirror now and seeing how huge I've become. It's time to stop eating and start living.