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I went for an interview yesterday and was scheduled for a working interview Thursday this week. First time in so many interviews that I've gotten this far. Working interviews give me hope! I don't always shine in the interview and it gives me a chance to show that I know my business and I work fast. They called back in the afternoon yesterday and moved it to today. 

I am so nervous this morning!

I'm following my  normal routine. Supplements and breakfast - check. Time to start showering and getting pretty. I am due there at 9 - and will leave at 830 to give myself plenty of time. It takes maybe 15 minutes. 

I pray I get this job. It's now been over a year since I started interviewing for positions. I haven't worked since 2007. Up until now I always felt very judged upon entering my interview because of my size. It wouldn't be easy as a bigger dental assistant - the rooms just don't have that much space to get around you know? So I'm sure this has been a factor. Now I am 98 lbs smaller. I feel good and can hold my body up and my posture is getting better. I know I can work chairside. The first interview I had at this lower weight - I was disappointed. I got a good vibe and waited for days for no call. This call came from no where. I had been really down the passed two weeks after not getting the other job - haven't sent out any new resumes. They call up on one I had sent out nearly a month ago and here I am. 

I can hope and I will hope that I get this job. Christmas is coming and one of my daughters need braces. I have been taking her for the appointments and its been a waiting game while a few more teeth come in. I imagine they will be ready to band her teeth in the next six months and I really didn't have a clue as to how I was going to afford these payments. I needed a job and have been working so hard to find one. Let this be it!!!!

No nervous eating. I have water. I am not sure how long I will be there today. I don't want to even deal with trying to eat there today. I will drink water until I come home and deal with planning for my schedule later. I have no idea what my schedule will be because I agreed to be available for whatever they needed. I have to be. I need this job - I will work whenever! I will get it all figured out. I don't want to get ahead of myself. I get so excited about things before they are set in stone then fall like a stone when it doesn't happen. So I need to settle down and relax. 

YEAH RIGHT. 

The emotional rollercoaster is still functioning. However now instead of feeling like it's a mood swing I feel like I am just realizing how often I was taken advantage of prior to my surgery. I feel more confident now and more secure in myself and I find that I'm being offended left and right by natural behaviors by my loved ones. Nothing has changed for them - they are the same. Same as we can be with time changing everything. The behaviors are the same. I'm realizing I don't like some of it - not at all. 

I'm not the babysitter that you can call the day of or night before and still be available. 

I'm not the babysitter to use instead of paying for childcare while you spend your money on frivolous things - things some of us will never see in our lives. Pay for what you need. 

I'm just so angry. I've paid. I've done my time. I've worked my ass off and I feel like it's not recognized. I feel a lot of things right now but mostly I feel anger at presumptions. 

I'm managing these things okay. I may not be speaking frequently to my family but I am managing for myself. I am controlling my urges and haven't turned to food once in these emotions. I want to - hell yes I want to. I refuse and I refuse to allow stress in my life that would put me in the situation where I would even consider it. I will be selfish with me for a while until I am comfortable giving myself to others again. There I said it and I mean it. 

Today is a rest day after four nice workouts this week. My right leg has a pulled muscle in the groin area - so lifting that leg is difficult without a ton of pain. Rest and hopefully that will resolve itself through rest and massage today. Tomorrow I need to get back to it. Wish me well! 

I have had this Yoga for Weight Loss DVD for a while and always got through about half of it while heavy and couldn't do any more. Just couldn't move my body - it was in my way. Today I completed it without any modifications to the poses! I'm proud of that and the three workouts I participated in today as well. I am making sure I am caring for my body and resting when I need to rest too. 

I guess if I'm not working I can work my hardest at making my body as fit as it can be so I am ready for all sorts of amazing things next spring. Softball/Rock Climbing/Kayaking/Horse back trail riding/traveling/the list really does go on and on. 

Short entry - more another time. 

I have been needing to distance myself from some people in my life. I won't let anything get in the way of my progress I have made with weight loss or that I plan to make over the next year. I have lost 95 pounds and I have at 60 - 65 more to go. I was feeling old emotions creeping in and had to cut that crap right out. The things effecting me were easily omitted so I can concentrate on both coping with emotions at the moment and keeping up my momentum. People are just going to have to understand and deal with it. I can deal with the fall out. I cannot deal with the added stress. I never realized just how trying a time it would be with three teenagers. I know many have been there done that - but I'm recently arrived and man it is not easy. 

Okay enough of the negative stuff. 

Grocery shopping this week with all three kids and the husband went interesting! After getting through to check out the woman behind me struck up a conversation and asked if the kids were ours. I laughed and said yes of course. She said I didn't look old enough to have kids that old! I LOVE HER! :) Definitely made the giant food bill much more tolerable this week. I am not sure if I will take everyone again for a while but it was good. My daughter was given the duty of making the list and organizing it before we got to the store; I did coupons saving @ $31 this trip. She did a great job on the list and even included ingredients for a soup dinner that included Kale. I love her. They have taken all of this seriously and only complained here and there with the new changes in our diet. They have come to love ground turkey/turkey products but definitely do not like ground chicken very much. No problem. I think allowing some 'naughty' foods occasionally lets them feel like they are still having their treats. I have to say I love their ability to compromise on this stuff lately. 

My workout schedule has kept us busy. I have put my all into it and get two workouts a day on Tuesdays and Thursdays - single workouts 3-4 of the other days. My husband joins me on Tuesdays and Thursdays and sometimes the kids also come to work out too. Our gym is great and inexpensive. Have a great workout partner I actually met through here abstractly. She introduced me to this gym and I am still so grateful. My girls (step siblings both age 13) aren't keen on doing cardio but I am trying to get them both moving. One can't get her heart rate to rise and acts lethargic most of the time and the other is more like me with a high heart rate and rapid breathing. This one's heart rate was like mine when I started jogging a few weeks ago. She was up at 195 during her ten minutes on the elliptical. I want to see her get into that 10 minutes and maybe go further with a lower heart rate. She will breathe easier and feel better and move easier too. She doesn't seem upset with my urging her to move more and is conscious of her food. She is in a healthy BMI but it's just her fitness level I would love to see improve. I think both girls would want to be more active than they are now if their heart health was being worked a little harder. They don't have gym class at school as they are in the band program. I have to keep them active!

So other than being on a little bit of an emotional roller coaster and managing some back pain around my ribs/neck things aren't too bad. I'm happy with my weight loss so far. Past couple weeks were hanging out at 184-85 and the scale finally moved this week and I'm down to 180. Five more pounds until I get a night at the casino to celebrate a hundred pounds gone. I'm working my tail off to get that night out!! I can't wait and need some free time just enjoying the night and my hubby. Maybe I'll win a little money too! :D 

Feeling great. Working out more than four times a week. 4 scheduled workouts with a great workout partner and my husband, then biking or hiking. I am down 91 lbs and have 64 more to go. For the first time in a long time I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. There is hope.

I am even on my second day of week one for Couch to 5 k. I have completed 16 one minute jogging intervals. Three of them today I managed to run at 5.0 mph. I am short, none of this is easy with short legs! Starting to feel stronger and thinking about running a Warrior Dash next fall. I know I can do this.

I do not see my surgeon again until November. On my birthday actually. I plan on wowing them with my progress. I cannot stop now and there is so much more I want to do. I don't think I will be at goal by then, but I will be getting it in sight for sure. In 9 more pounds I will do a comparison photo from the beginning to my 100 lb loss. Then the final update will be at goal. Perhaps one after I am done working on shaping my body through my workouts too. We will see where the future takes me.

Talking about also returning to softball next spring. I have a lot of work to do.

I am nearly to two months post op and I find my successes propelling my journey in even momentum. The weight loss is happening, not to the tune of 10 pounds a week or any thing like this. But steady it is happening. 

The ups and downs emotionally have waned and things are far more predictable these days. My work outs are getting more intense, longer in length and I have returned to swimming. My muscles are still  strong after all these years. I easily see myself in the next few months doing 500 meters just as a warm up. I really cannot wait. I love the feeling of strength. I love knowing my endurance is progressing. I love knowing that even though the years keep coming I can still work this body with the same drive and ambition as when I was half my age. It feels really good. 

Our family started a weight loss challenge together just last week. It's so inspiring to work with them towards this goal of losing 20 lbs. I was excited to be part of it because it's a fantastic distraction from the 90 I have yet to lose. Small goals seem to keep me moving and don't wear on my perseverance as much. Soon another 20 after that, and another one, and one more - I'll be there. We have chain links we get to remove as we lose each pound. I've removed 5 now this week. My workouts increased as did my energy. I feel great. 

I've been starting to think about future plastic surgery to help my abdomen and breasts. I am reading a lot at the moment and I know when the time comes for maintenance I will be prepared with my decision. My surgeons office has been very helpful, they have a great follow up program and support service. I feel lucky to be part of such an in depth program. There is a lot available and I participate in what I can. Life is still really busy with three kids and we're all getting into the swing of things with our new healthy eating and activities. They can't wait to go for a bike ride. YES, I can ride my bike too! 

Really awesome things that happened today: Closed a regular towel around me and fit into a size 18 jeans. I am good for the rest of the day if nothing else goes right. I was so pleased. 

Here's to better health! ((0.0))^^

I have traversed many different emotions these passed 13 days. I have been elated to know I am now living this surgery instead of anticipating it. I have experienced anger with myself for this having to be the way I finally saw the light and focused on optimum health. I have experienced sadness that I can't have goodies for any reason. I have experienced fear of my decision being wrong and now having to live with that decision only to conclude that I did indeed make the right choice for my life and my family. I have experienced awe when thinking about the steps it took to get here and at the road ahead. Of all of these emotions the one that comes on out of nowhere with no real reason is sadness with tears. I wipe them away and move on completely baffled at the randomness of this reaction. I subscribe to the belief that because I ate with emotion up until I began this journey that while I release the weight I likely will have experiences 'refeeling' some of those emotions. Reflecting on binge memories I know there was always a reason , be it happy, sad or mad that I would eat and enjoy it immensely. Recognizing these moments in my life now where I would have in the past emptied the fridge is an eye opener. I don't have time to dwell on food with my regimen. I am constantly drinking water. I never really feel hunger. I have to continually sip to meet my expected targets for each day. I find I don't even have time to react emotionally to old stressors; instead I take care of business and continue on with my routine that I has my focus. If I am not working on feeding myself my small meals then I am working on fixing my family their meals. It's quite busy and I really like this; it helps keeping busy. 

I had one hike last week and we have another planned this week. I am slowly finding bouts of energy to increase my activity. I am able to do my stairs at home 5-6 times a day now and have started doing very light work around the house. Still no lifting over 5 lbs for four more weeks. I am not super woman but I can feel my energy returning even if I have a weak day here and there. Like today. Going through the motions and really glad I've started feeling the habits of my new life. Autopilot rules when I feel weak. 

I missed a job opportunity while in the hospital for my surgery. Have been interviewing for months. I hope in the next couple weeks to get back to the interview process. I also hope that as my weight comes off I will be viewed better when interviewing. I can without a doubt say that my weight has inhibited my hiring on more than one occasion. It's just the way it is. Employers want healthy looking people, a morbidly super obese 5'1 woman at 275 lbs probably isn't the healthiest choice of the candidates. I'm in this for more than my health, I'm in this for the future of my family. We cannot help our children thrive in college or beyond if I do not return to work. Our cost of living has outpaced our current income and it is time. So much riding on my body getting healthy. I am not afraid of any of it. I want employers to see me; my work, not my fat. I am happy to be eliminating the distraction. 

These are my reflections to date. I know there is more but it will save for another entry. 

I have been very busy since returning home. Learning to live these new routines and managing my water/protein intake has consumed my time and today is one of the first days I have sat down at my computer in quiet to reflect. 

Last Friday was my new beginning. Everything went smoothly from the moment I arrived for registration to the moment my team wheeled me into the OR. I am amazed and comforted that my experience was managed so very well. Most of my time in the hospital was a blur because I took advantage of the pain relief medication Morphine for the first day, when I tired of being able to do very little due to the Morphine I switched solely to the liquid Loritab on Saturday afternoon and have managed very well on that since. There is only one spot in my abdomen I still experience pain and it's a pulling/burning pain when I twist at all like when I get out of bed. That doesn't feel nice and I'm making sure I don't over do things and experience this pain as little as possible. I can tell its already feeling better but it will take some time. 

There was a patch behind my right ear to help with nausea, I must have pulled it off and some of that medication came in contact with my eyes and I had dilated pupils for a couple days. That was humerous. 

I can't remember everything about the experience I had wanted to, but I do have to say the staff at McLaren and my surgeons staff have been so amazing. 

This week has been a lot of writing things down, my vitamins, when I drank my water, what time my meds were taken, etc etc. Rather boring but that has been the bulk of my work. Walking a little bit here and there when I can and tomorrow I will walk a 1/4 mile with my family. I won't over do it if I don't think it can happen, but we're going to start getting me moving and outside! It's a trail at our metropark and I'm very excited to get outside. 

Everything seems to be working well. 

Starting weight: 275

Surgery weight: 253

Current  weight: 246 

It's happening! 

Today is the last day of my 2 week liver shrink, I had my pre-op testing done today and tonight the bariatric program I attend hosts an annual patient dinner event. I hear my surgeon sings, cannot wait to hear this! 

I decided since I was already there to sit in on the bariatric class again being held this morning. There were a few things I forgot and was glad for the refresher. Mostly the premade meal ideas, one for after I'm switched to pureed foods is chili, pureed and then portioned and frozen in ice cube sizes. 2 for a meal, if I can finish that much. I love chili and that sounds perfect to me. Doc actually recommends we just buy Wendy's chili and process that for freezing. A little history - I used to cook for Wendy's in the 90's as a teen and their chili is hands down the freshest, healthiest you can choose for a fast food restaurant and also very mild so it wouldn't upset me as much as my own homemade chili. I like that very hot. I want to do this as well as freeze my own meatball portions, one for a meal popped in the toaster oven. I liked that idea. I need to prepare ahead because when am tired and I don't want to chef the night away - I am weak.

I have LOVED eating the Gordan's Lemon Pepper Tilapia these passed couple weeks, fish was my meal for three out each 7 day week. Chicken filled in the rest, along with cottage cheese. The  frozen fish was awesome though, I have bad luck with whole frozen filets, they don't cook well for me, but this product was delicious and it cooked great. One last matter on my food agenda for today is that I know for a fact I will be purchasing more white fish and salmon after surgery for my whole family. We have eaten red meat far too often, the boys here are carnivores! So, I'm looking forward to reducing and eliminating red meat. The processed lunch meats only turn up when my kids are off from school now, and I think I will start buying a turkey breast to cook for myself and slice it for them. I want to reduce all of my family's processed food intake. A little at a time and I think it will happen. They still of course love sausages and macaroni and cheese and all these really yummy heavy fat creamy foods. They have said they are okay holding those for their birthday meals and special occasions. For example, I asked my 12 year old daughter what she wanted for her 13th birthday meal at the end of this month. About two weeks from surgery I will be cooking chicken alfredo for her, with my husband by my side for support. It's her favorite, she's a diver and very active with an appropriate BMI, I will do this for her. 

I want Friday to be here already. Hardly slept last night even with my CPAP machine because my mind was racing. 

Tomorrow I am on liquids and sequestered at my home, my husband will attend our daughter's swim meet for me and I will be near a bathroom. Fun stuff, eh? 

I'm laughing because as with a pregnancy reservations about talking about body functions have flown out the window. I still keep it discreet but my husband and I sure have had some interesting/gross conversations. LOL 

I will likely get chattier as I get closer. Maybe not, but if I spam the blog - it's because my brain is on overdrive. Have an awesome day!

Last time I felt like this I was getting ready to have my daughter 13 years ago. I'm going through everything. I've been cleaning for days and organizing, I don't think there's much left unturned. I don't know where the energy is coming from, but I'm now four days away from my surgery on Friday. I really want everything taken care of before I go so when I come home there's nothing hanging over me that I can't handle. 

I have all my things, I imagine I'll pack Wednesday. Rides are arranged and swimming meets covered. Husband has the day and weekend away from work. All bills are paid and what's pending is enveloped and ready to post. 

I am thinking I'm more and more in the mindset of the new me arriving when I wake from surgery. I'm realistic, I know I won't go home looking thinner or anything like that, I just know that I'm ready to BE the new me. I already am. Mostly I just want to get on with things. This really has consumed so much of my life; eating myself to this weight took some time and effort and then the process of getting to surgery is a task. I'm ready to focus on life. I'm ready to just live with my new regimen. 

I am ready.