Lori D.

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Wednesday, June 27

The most wonderful birthday present I EVER got—***294.1*** I have now officially lost 31 lbs and it feels awesome! Dr. King did another fill yesterday. Put in 1.5 ml for a total of 5 ml now. I could feel it all afternoon but it is not as noticeable this morning. Praise you Father for this miracle you have given me. I am a bit anxious to see just how I am going to tolerate those foods that the folks on the site have said are difficult to get past the band. Will just have to take it slow. OH I FEEL SO GOOD!

Went to my first support group last night. There were 2 pts there who had had bypass and the horror stories to go along w/it and 3 of us who had had the LapBand. One woman had it a year ago and had lost 95 lbs! The other lap pt had his 2 weeks before me. It was helpful sitting around and chatting with all of them. The stories that the bypass pts had to tell really reinforced my decision to have the LapBand. Dex almost died and the girl whose name I can't remember ended up almost starving to death. She told us that Dr. Byars admitted to her months afterward that he was really concerned about her at first but she was so convinced that she was going to die that he didn't want to let her know just how concerned he was! 

I have decided to weigh tomorrow. My stomach feels so flat and my behind feels as if part of it dropped off! Sure there is plenty still there but OH it is a wonderful feeling. My favorite outfit was a tent on me last night. I remember when I realized not too long ago that my stomach filled it completely up and how depressing that was to realize just how LARGE I had become! Think I'm just gonna enjoy the "tent" for awhile before I break down and buy something new! OH this is such an answer to prayer. Blood pressure now from 140/90 to 116/68!

Talked to Allyson yesterday about the difference in Joan and how she really seemed glad to see me at camp last weekend. Told her that I wasn't sure what she did but that it seemed she has finally worked through all of that anger she had toward me. Al told me it was because of the surgery and that she is so proud of me. I asked her if it was that she as disgusted and embarrassed of me before and she told me absoulutely not rather concerned and frighened for me. Thank you God for leading me to this surgery and to Dr. KIng. Help me to continue to do what I know I am supposed to do to be successful at getting the weight off!

 

Wednesday, April 4 Had a bit of a panic attack when taken back to holding. The anesthesiologist asked if I wanted to see Dr. King before the surgery and through tears I nodded yes. Dr. King leaned over me and asked, “Well, do ya still want to go through with this?” And through tears I again nodded yes! Never been so certain of anything in my life nor so scared! Thursday, April 5 Home from the hospital around lunchtime. Melissa spent the night with me and brought me back to Tupelo. I was so glad that she was there with me throughout the night. Feels like I've been kicked in the gut by a mule! Not sure how I am going to make it for the next 8 days w/o any calories at all. But I'm gonna do it! Saturday, April 7 Kids made pizza for lunch today. Mmmmmmm....smells SO good! By the middle of the afternoon I was feeling so hungry that I was fighting not to throw up. SO SICK of broth! Living off of Phenergan gel. Sunday, April 8 Woke up this morning to the aroma of barbecue chicken. Oh this is so hard. I am so hungry. And the nausea is getting worse. Called Regina today and she suggested that I drink just a little bit of SlimFast to take the edge off. Have such a sweet taste in my mouth so I know I am ketonic. The SlimFast did help. Didn't even drink the whole can. Thursday can't come fast enough! McAllister's Oxford here I come! Monday, April 9 Called the office this morning to tell Dr. King's nurse about the nausea. She really fussed at me for drinking the SlimFast and when I told her that I wasn't tolerating not having any calories she told me that I knew what I was getting myself into before surgery. I was pretty upset w/her for being so rude and inconsiderate. Today the nausea is better. Dubby went to Sonic and got me a sugar free cherry limeaid. I let it sit for an hour before drinking it so that the carbonation would go flat. OH it tasted so good! Having a lot of pain at the port site. Called and got Dr. Byars. He was so helpful. Asked what I had eaten and when I rattled off all the sugar free liquids he said, “So you are not one of those patients who came home and ate a hamburger!” He told me that he felt it was the carbonation left in the limeaid in spite of me leaving it out before drinking it. Took some infant mylicon drops and they did the trick! He told me to call him in the morning if the pain persisted that he wanted to lay hands on me and figure out what was going on! Tuesday, April 10 Dr. Byars had his nurse call me this morning to check on me! I couldn't believe it. That meant so much. Thursday, April 19 Today's the day! Went to the office and had lost 31 lbs! Mom met me in Oxford and after leaving Dr. King's office we went straight to McAllister's where I had the BEST potato soup I've ever tasted! Could only eat about ½ of the cup but I felt so satisfied. Realized what it feels like to be a normal person. If I had felt like this all along I wouldn't be overweight! Wednesday, April 25 Soup, soup and more soup but oh has it ever been so good! It is amazing what a different perspective can mean! Had my first fill today! Had another little panic attack when they came to take me back to the radiology room. Told Dr. King I didn't know why my eyes were leaking again! He put in 2 cc's. Hurt a little bit but since he deadened it the big stick was not bad. Just felt pressure. The nurse told me to drink a SlimFast only this morning for breakfast and I can only have clear liquids for the rest of the day. Not so bad after the 8 day fast last week! Sunday, May 13 I have noticed that I can eat a regular portion of food. Actually stopping at one plate but could eat more. I am not feeling the trigger to stop like I was at first. Wednesday, May 16 Decided to weigh this morning at the Wellness Center. Have gained 2 lbs. Called the nurse and was told to come in next Wednesday for a second fill. Will have to be careful not to overeat between now and then. Wednesday, May 23 Wasn't bad at all. And no panic attacks! I can definitely tell it is tighter. I can feel it and have had to really sip the liquids today. In the process of creating Dubby's Madrigal costume. What a blessing. It has kept me busy and focused on something other than the fact that I can't have anything to eat. Called the camp and thought I would stop and eat lunch with Joan since she left yesterday to help Darren clean up and get ready for the summer. Then I remembered I couldn't eat! I am still so happy with the decision I made to have the surgery. I already feel so much better and my clothes are beginning to get really loose. It's a great feeling. The other day I was giggling at work and when Joan asked me what was going on I told her that my pants were falling down! She grabbed a roll of tape and told me to come over to her. I said I was enjoying the feeling too much and since they were not threatening to fall completely down I wanted to savor the feeling! No tape! Let em fall! Love it!

And so the adventure begins! 20 minutes and counting to the big prep! Not looking forward to it but am excited that this day is finally here. Inside of me is a skinny person just screaming for me to get off of her!And I am about to do just that! Melissa is about to board the plane. Joan called yesterday and said she will be on her way to Oxford this afternoon and Mom will be headed that way tomorrow morning to meet us. Praise you Father for the support my family is giving me. I couldn't have even thought of going through this without them. Praise you that I will have Bill and Dubby after surgery to encourage and support me daily. I have noticed that if I type in an “ov” that my computer automatically brings up the word overwhelmed! Hmmmmmm......a bit scary.

Up early this morning to go to Oxford to get pre-op done—blood drawn, EKG and chest X-ray. Went to Becky's office to pay the balance and she informed me that it would be two weeks before the loan would come through and that I would get a better rate if I went to my own bank anyway. So.....off to Tupelo and the bank. Called Regina on the way home and she told me that I needed to go to Wal-Mart and get sleep pants and a big tshirt to wear home from the hospital. Also suggested I get something for the hemorrhoids since the prep the night before caused her lots of pain from them. Went to the bank. She asked what I planned to put up for collateral and since I didn't have the car title and didn't want to tie my money market account up in a CD decided to come home and let Bill handle it tomorrow. Planned to go to the Wellness Center and do a light circuit but was lightheaded so called Regina and told her I was going home. Dubby and I went to Ichiban's for supper. I got miso soup while he ate sushi and the #2 dinner! A bit challenging to sit and watch him eat but really wanted to spend the time w/him. Since the miso soup is made w/soy and wasn't clear I wasn't sure if I should have it or not but decided to go ahead since I had already ordered it. Came home instead of going to church since I was still a bit lightheaded and it is a good thing since I leaked liquid stool as a result of the soy. Bill and I watched Mission Impossibly III. In the middle of the movie Melissa called and told me that she was flying home for the surgery and would be coming in on Tuesday. I was overwhelmed! Completely. She told me that she had promised me she would be there and she meant it. Lord, I am SO very blessed. I just can't believe the love and support my family is giving me. It means so much Father. Actually, I was worried that Melissa's coming home would cause Bill to change his mind about going on the trip to the Masters, but I believe I have made him understand how MUCH I mean it when I say I don't want him to miss it. Melissa told me that Joan is planning to come home as well. Praise you Father for my family! With their support I know I can do it. The girls will be there for me during the surgery and Dubby and Bill will be there for me afterward. Praise you Father! All of this is just so overwhelming. Dear God you are so faithful. Praise you for my children and my husband and for the love we have for each other. Praise you Father!

Awoke around 5am with burning in my stomach. Became nauseated so I went ahead and drank my shake. The symptoms went away but the burning returned about 30 minutes. Didn't last long. Guess it was just plain ole heartburn. The smell of lunch cooking assaulted me as I walked through the kitchen on the way to church. Wanted to cry. It just smelled so good and I want to eat it SO bad. First thing I saw when I got to church was a poster proclaiming Lenten Luncheon next Sunday. First thing Joe said in Sunday school was that on Easter Sunday we will all bring finger foods and have fellowship instead of a lesson! Passed Ramada on the way home and longed for the buffet. Shut myself in the bedroom so that I couldn't smell lunch and posted on the message board about how much I am struggling. Regina called me an hour later and talked with me. Turns out she is a psych nurse! God you do have a sense of humor. Thank you for leading me to her. To know that she has that skill and also understands exactly what I am going through is so encouraging. You are so faithful Lord. Praise you for the grace you given me. After talking with Regina I really do feel encouraged and ready to move forward. I will keep my eye on the goalpost you have set before me. All 54 of them! Praise you Father!

You MIGHT be on the pre op diet if..................you consider a binge to be five cups of sugar free jello! SO nervous about tomorrow and old habits die hard.

Had a better day at work yesterday. Not so insanely busy. Went into the break room for some broth around 10:30 and Ashley came in, saw the broth on the table and asked, “What in the world are you doing?” Went in at lunch to get my slim fast and they were all eating pulled barbeque pork and french fries. It smelled SO good. Wanted to cry. Went to the cafeteria and sat in a corner with my book and my shake. Looked up at one point and all I saw was chewing. It was like that commercial where the features of the actor are exaggerated while they are sitting at the table looking at a pizza. All I saw were mouths chewing! Sitting around later and Ashley and Mary began to discuss how much they had eaten and how miserable they were and who was going to win the pot for losing the most weight. I decided to tell them. They were so excited for me. Ashley told me that she was really proud of me for doing the surgery. They were so supportive. Wanted to know all about the surgery and what it involved. It really helped. Mary mentioned that she wanted to go to the gift shop and Ashley leaned over and whispered something to her. I told her that is why I didn't want to tell them because I didn't want them feeling like they had to act differently around me. Ashley laughed and told me that she was telling Mary that she didn't feel they should be eating in front of me or talking about Snickers either. When they came back upstairs she had her hand behind her back. It was a thoughtful gesture and I appreciated her being so sensitive to the fact that I can't eat right now. I am so glad I told them. It is going to be so much easier at work now that they know.

 

I am truly learning to live to eat and not the other way around. There have been so many moments when I wanted to eat something in front of me. But I realize now that it isn't worth it. That one bite is just that....one bite! And after only four days I am already feeling so much better. Not winded and my clothes are feeling much looser. I have realized just how much I really was eating. Without thinking. Bite here and a bite there. And I could eat a meal while waiting standing in the kitchen cooking my meal. Eating has become totally unconscious event.

Realized that I will be on this diet for Easter. OH....I won't be able to eat Easter dinner with my family. A tradition for us! And then it hit me like a brick—that is not what Easter is all about. I have been celebrating the food, the meal, the gorging on the buffet instead of the Resurrection of my Lord and Savior! Wow!

Called Regina for the first time last night. She was telling me what to expect. One day post op and she is pretty sore. Told me that she can only manage one ounce of slimfast every 30 minutes. Then she told me that she had to be on the clear liquid diet for the next three weeks! Three weeks! That is five weeks that I have to be on this diet. Freaked! She told me that maybe I could add some fruit to my shake or take a bite here and there. But I don't want to do that. I know that just that one bite will tip me over and make me loose my center and my focus and it is not worth it. But five weeks! Called Mom and cried. How am I going to do this? I know I HAVE to. I have NO choice. But how in the world am I gonna do this for another month? .............Actually, it IS preparing me mentally for the challenge that I face after surgery for the rest of my life. It is teaching me to take my control away from the food and to put food back in its place. As fuel. For too long my thoughts have revolved around what I am going to eat. And I will still have to be very conscious of that, but it no longer will be my focus. Instead, my focus will be on feeling when I am truly hungry and deciding what to eat to quell that hunger. The band will make me slow down so that I give myself a chance to feel that cue that I am satisfied, instead of full. And it is going to feel so good to lose the weight, to cross my legs, to go shopping for clothes and all those other “wants” on my list. This morning I feel better. Encouraged again. Excited about the prospects even! Regina really helped me come to this realization. Thank you God for providing someone to “walk with” on this journey!

Made it through my first day! I was up every two hours last night going to the bathroom. Would love to know how much water weight I lost. Several times in the night I awoke lightheaded...lying down! Finally got up a 4:45 and ate some jello. That helped.

I am going to take this one day at a time. Have decided not to post a ticker since I don't want to focus on a number. There is actually no end to this. It is a lifestyle change that I plan to do for the rest of my life and I am tired of playing numbers games with myself. Particularly allowing the numbers to govern how I feel about myself.

 

Downloaded the photos of myself that Regina took yesterday at the Wellness Center. Uggghhhhh! I really didn't realized just how massive I have gotten. Definitely made the right decision. The only reason I was able to look at it w/o crying is because I know I am now doing something about it. I mean really doing something about it—not just trying......DOING!

Father, here we go again. I did it yesterday and I can do it again today. This is actually NOT the hardest thing I have ever done. Being committed and dealing with the clinical depression still holds that honor! And if You and I can work my way out of that we can work this too. Keep me strong Lord. Keep me focused on You and Your will for my life. Forgive me for abusing food and allowing my body to get so huge. Praise you Father that you are always beside me. Praise you for the site where I have found such awesome support from others who are on the same path. Praise you for Tom Groome, Hank, Regina and Heather and their encouragement. Praise you for my children and their desire to see me healthy. Their courage in approaching me about it. And their promise of support. Praise you for Bill and the love we share and for the change of heart he has had in all of this. You truly have surrounded me Lord with family and friends who will help see me through this. Praise you Father.

 

This diet is making me short and impatient. Normally I could have handled all the little quirks my patients had today but just didn't feel good. Ended up being short w/one  of the pediatricians. He came on the floor just before I left and I apologized to him. He told me not to worry about it but it bothers me that I am not myself. Have to work tomorrow and then I am not scheduled anymore until after the surgery and recovery period.  Hate to be around ppl when I am not myself. And realize working on days like today on top of the stress of 600 calories that I drink surrounded by donuts, sausage biscuits and popcorn is just almost too much.

Okay Lord, this is it. This is the day I open myself completely to you and give you my all, including the food. I now understand that this is an important part of the process—giving up the food and eating to live rather than living to eat. Please let it teach me how to do that over the next two weeks. Weigh Down Workshop taught me to recognize hunger and stop eating when I am satisfied. Weight Watchers taught me to enjoy the foods I want to eat just in smaller portions and aiming for the healthy stuff most of the time. Keeping a food diary for Hank taught me perseverance. Counting fat grams taught me to pay attention to the foods that I am using for fuel. All of these steps along the way have been preparing me for this. Now Lord, please bring help me to put it all together in re-learning how to nourish my body without abusing the food. I can't do it on my own Father. I need your help. Please send the Holy Spirit to give me strength and to keep me focused on You and Your will for my life. Please help me to get healthy again. Praise you Lord that you are with me and that I know you are faithful. Help me to be as faithful to You in taking care of your Temple. PLEASE Lord, help me. Please Father, let this be the beginning of a new chapter in my life. One where I have completely given myself to you. Take away this hold on me that food has. I lay it at your feet today, this moment. Get me through this day. I love you Lord, with all that I am and all that I will become. Praise you!

Didn't want to get out of bed this morning. Just not sure about what lay ahead. What if I don't like the SlimFast? Missed the idea of having my mini wheats for breakfast. Oh well....here goes....actually the SlimFast is pretty tasty! Called Dr. Masser and he asked me to give him time to talk with the staff that had worked with me. Called me back and told me that he just didn't feel that he could write the letter since he would have to send the history with it. He told me that it might prejudice the doctor since my past history was so dramatic. Hmmmmm......that was humiliating to hear that. I was fighting to keep my composure when he told me that the remarkable thing about me was that I was holding down a very stressful job and doing well in spite of my mood instability. I'm not sure that was a compliment but I choose to take it as such. He suggested I meet with a professional who doesn't know me and have a fresh assessment done for the consult for surgery. Called Becky and she is going to set me up with the psychologist they use in Oxford. It feels like I am on a roller coaster and I haven't even had the surgery yet. I wonder if I will EVER be able to truly put all of that depression stuff behind me. It sometimes feels like a dark shadow that follows me everywhere I go. Cried for a few minutes and then decided to look forward again—not backward!

Have not felt hungry all day. Went to grab a banana and as I passed Harvey's thought about eating there with Bonnie for lunch---oops! I won't be eating lunch! I have realized how many times I have reached for food in the past without even thinking about it! Bill made hamburgers for dinner and when I walked in the kitchen to get my shake I almost cried. It looked so good. But I am so determined! Now when I walk in the kitchen it seems the foods that are there that I cannot have are 100 times their size sitting there on the counter!

Dreamed I was taken to surgery in handcuffs made of french fried onion rings!

Left an email this morning for Becky to call me if there was a cancellation. YIKES! She did! Appointment is now set for next Tuesday. That means I start the liquid diet tomorrow! This is really happening! Bill's not hungry so Dubby and I are going out for a last meal of solids somewhere nice. This is really going to be a challenge. Please God......help me get through it.