Patricia Finn
Where do I begin?
Apr 01, 2012
I know my title today is misleading. I know that I took the first step on Friday when I showed up to the doctor appointment. What I mean, is where do I begin to explain how things spiraled out of control so badly to get me to this point?I grew up with two mean, physically abusive, verbally abusive, emotionally cold, alcoholic parents. I was the oldest child. I have a younger sister, whom I do not speak too. Moving on, I can remember when I was just a about five years old being yelled at to "CLEAN" my plate at every meal. However, my sister did not have to abide by that same rule. I would get hit if I had anything left on my plate. I would have to sit at the table until everything was gone, no matter how long it took. My sister got away with just nibbling her food. I was never a thin child. I was always stocky and my sister was thin as a board.
I was told that I was fat and ugly and would get by with my brains. My sister was told she was skinny and pretty, she would get by on her looks. What a thing to say to your kid. I could never join sports or after school activities because my parents could not be bothered by such things. How dare I cut into their drinking time. So I never had the basics of a healthy diet. My mom was off the boat from Poland when she got pregnant and had to get married. She was just a kid herself, raising her own children. Our diet was not heathy. We rarely ate salads, occasionally ate vegetables. It was always fatty foods and meats.
I have always been very self conscience of my weight. In fact, I had low self-esteem as far back as I can remember. I hated being chunky. Thank goodness for catholic school. I had to wear a uniform so I did not have the horror of having to buy nice clothes. To me, nothing fit properly. Of course being the big girl earned me a little "song" from the so-called popular kids. "Patty, patty, not a two by four, you can't fit your fat ass through the kitchen door." Yes, you have to love peer pressure. And if my life did not suck already, all the beatings, and put downs at home just was the cherry on the topping. I think you can guess how popular I was? I found humor. I could laugh things off, otherwise it would just fester like a pus pocket.
I can remember being 15 and weighing in at 160. My sister weighed about 109. I was miserable. I did not have friends. I was not athletic. I was a latch key kid. No one taught me the serving sizes or better choices of food. I had to eat what was placed in front of me or be beaten. Trust me food was not something I enjoyed.
The self esteem issues got so horrible I started to take weight loss pills. Back then the pills had caffiene in them so they worked like speed. I managed to drop the weight, but it would just go up and down. I started the diet pills and water pills at 15 and kept taking them until I got pregnant in 1990. Weight has always been a miserable part of my existance.
I will continue this story tomorrow. I wonder how many of you have been where I was?
