Patricia Finn

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 I am honestly trying to make changes everyday.  I want to be healthy and happy.  I want a better out look on life and on who I am.  Easter dinner went along fine.  For once, I did not have to host the dinner.  I went to my sister-in-laws house, a 2 and half hour drive from my house.  It was a long ride, I was in pain, but it was well worth it.  My sister-in-law had just moved into a beautiufl estate.  The dinner was wonderful.  The conversations were not awkward or dull.  It was a nice visit.  I had control over what I was putting on my plate.  There was an abundance of food and desserts, but I stuck to my guns and made some good choices.  No desserts, no alcholic beverages for the toasting of the dinner.  

I am still anxious about going further with this journey.  I wish I could have the surgical date already so I can make plans on what my children need to do, on who is going to watch over my youngest while I am in the hospital. I am OCD about planning and making sure everything is taken care of.  

I have also tried to do more walking, even if it is only in my home at the moment.  I am not a couch potatoe anymore.  I do get tired. I am always out of breath, but I sit down when I need too.  I make sure I don't over do anything to the point that I am doing more harm then good.  I have also been cutting down on my pain medications.  However, now I rely on topical creams for pain relief and warm baths to soothe my sore muscles.  It is not doing much, but at least I feel that I have some control over the pain.  I really want this to work for me.  I know this is my last resort.  I know that this will not cure my pain.  I hope that it helps my health issues.  That is the main reason for my choice.  I want to live a healthier life, I want to be around for my children.  I would like to see them graduate high school, go on to college, grow into their careers, and eventually get married and become a top notch grandmother.  In order to accomplish my goals, I need to take the first step to better health. I need to gain my self esteem back.  Does anyone out there understand?

 I bravely stepped on the scale this morning.  To my amazement I learned I lost 5 pounds.  I am shocked.  I actually dropped five pounds. However, I have not been feeling well this week.  The Medifast shakes have made me nauseated to the point I was vomitting. I have had no appetite. I have had a good deal of family stress this week also.  I don't know whats going on.

I told my husband that I am tired of fighting the weight battle with him. I am tired of him and his "joking" put downs about me being fat, taking up a great deal of space, and eating like a pig.  I don't eat like a pig.  In fact, I eat less than most. I am already embarrassed enough. It is horrible that I shy away from my children's activities because I want to avoid people. I want to avoid everyone's glaring eyes. 

Well, all I know, is that I lost 5 pounds.

 First of all...I have been having some harsh headaches.  I have been weaning off my pain medications.  I was told in the office that I will not be able to take them if I have the surgery.  I know with my severe, chronic pain that I can be stronger than the pain. I try to only take the medications when it is unbearable, so I don't think I will have that bad of a time stopping them.  However, my body is going through withdrawls right now because I have been on these meds for such a long time.  I also had a bout with vomitting. Nothing wants to stay down.  I am not sick, so I don't understand it.

I am getting a bit nervous about all of this.  I have a fear of failure. I know I am going to do what I have too, but I just feel that nothing works for me, so why would this be any different.

Anyhow....moving along back to my past...I also have had a horrible self-esteem issue.  Even at a young age my weight affected my social life.  I never wanted to go out.  I was almost afraid of other people because I thought they felt like my parents. That I was an ugly young lady and that there was nothing for me.  The weight problem affected my intimate relationships.  I never had the luxury of having a group of friends to go out with. I was the kid who had one best friend and that was it.  I basically lived my life through her actions.  I just tagged along.  I did not like physical intimacy.  I did not want anyone touching my hips.  I only had one body part that I was happy with and that was my breast size.  I was and still am well endowed.  

I also thought NO MAN could ever want me let alone love me.  I was not worthy of a man's attention.  I thought I would die a lonely old woman.  When a guy paid attention to me, I knew it was only because of my breasts. I was flattered by any attention I got, so needless to say I jumped at the first person who even dared to get close to me.  How sad.  That is how I feel now about these awkward situations back in my teen years.  I did not respect myself.  I felt like I had nothing worthy about myself.  I did however find a man who touched my heart through the walls I put up.  He was my first, and he turned out to be my first real love.  I never experienced anything like it before of since then. From 15 through 18, he made me feel special. I truly thought I found my soul mate. But being hung up on doom, when he proposed marriage to me at 18, I got scared and ran away from the relationship.  I did not think it was real.  I let my insecurty get the best of me.  To this day, I have not idea why I did what I did.  I regret it.  I always will.

I never got over the fear of being touched.  I did not want anyone touching my fat rolls.  I did not want anyone to get close to me.  I have only experienced a grand total of 3 men, and my husband is one of the three.  

I also harbor a lot of resentment.  I always dreamed of having a group of friends and that we would go clubbing or out to events together.  I had these ideas that I would graduate high school, go to college, make some money, and travel.  Then eventually if I saw fit, I would settle down and raise a family.  Well, I did not say it was true, it was just the PERFECT idea of what I wanted my life to be like.  I had the complete opposite. I ran from the one and only man who really cared about me.  I found a older man who I thought would help me achieve my goals of travel and entertainment...but it was not like that at all. I found out I was the "other" woman.  I was 18 and he was 28.  It was more a boost for him, that he found an 18 year old.  And as every sad story goes, I got pregnant, and he was not prepared for that.  However, he felt he had to do the honorable thing.  I did not want to get married at all.  I knew I was not his soul mate.  I knew he felt backed into a corner.  But both sides of the family would not let up.  Basically, we were forced into the farce of a marriage.  Now 23 years later, nothing has changed.  We have three beautiful kids but don't have a good marriage.  Basically we are two strangers living together raising kids.  We both don't agree with divorce.  There is just too much of that now a days.  It has been unbearable, but we have pulled through so far.  I have 4 years left of this prison sentence.  Then I can go my own way.

I know I will all alone once I get my divorce.  But I knew since I was a kid, I would never be happy.  I have nothing to look forward to so I have nothing to be disappointed about.  Seriously, who is going to want me?  Some old lady, ( I will be 46) seriously who?  

I think that is why now at almost 42, I have decided to give it an honest try to become a physically different person.  I know that losing weight is not going to magically transform me or my past, but if will finally give me a future.  It will give me self-confidence.  I can work on stopping the feellings of embarrassment.  I will never know, if I do not try.  It will also help my health issues greatly.  If I can walk and stop taking some of my diabetic medications I would be thrilled.  I just want to finally do something for ME. I want to work on ME, the person.  I wonder if anyone else has ever felt like this?

I know my title today is misleading. I know that I took the first step on Friday when I showed up to the doctor appointment.  What I mean, is where do I begin to explain how things spiraled out of control so badly to get me to this point?

I grew up with two mean, physically abusive, verbally abusive, emotionally cold, alcoholic parents. I was the oldest child. I have a younger sister, whom I do not speak too.  Moving on, I can remember when I was just a about five years old being yelled at to "CLEAN" my plate at every meal. However, my sister did not have to abide by that same rule. I would get hit if I had anything left on my plate. I would have to sit at the table until everything was gone, no matter how long it took.  My sister got away with just nibbling her food. I was never a thin child. I was always stocky and my sister was thin as a board.

I was told that I was fat and ugly and would get by with my brains. My sister was told she was skinny and pretty, she would get by on her looks.  What a thing to say to your kid. I could never join sports or after school activities because my parents could not be bothered by such things. How dare I cut into their drinking time.  So I never had the basics of a healthy diet.  My mom was off the boat from Poland when she got pregnant and had to get married.  She was just a kid herself, raising her own children.  Our diet was not heathy.  We rarely ate salads, occasionally ate vegetables.  It was always fatty foods and meats. 

I have always been very self conscience of my weight. In fact, I had low self-esteem as far back as I can remember. I hated being chunky. Thank goodness for catholic school.  I had to wear a uniform so I did not have the horror of having to buy nice clothes.  To me, nothing fit properly. Of course being the big girl earned me a little "song" from the so-called popular kids. "Patty, patty, not a two by four, you can't fit your fat ass through the kitchen door."  Yes, you have to love peer pressure.  And if my life did not suck already, all the beatings, and put downs at home just was the cherry on the topping.  I think you can guess how popular I was?  I found humor.  I could laugh things off, otherwise it would just fester like a pus pocket.

I can remember being 15 and weighing in at 160. My sister weighed about 109. I was miserable. I did not have friends. I was not athletic. I was a latch key kid. No one taught me the serving sizes or better choices of food. I had to eat what was placed in front of me or be beaten. Trust me food was not something I enjoyed. 

The self esteem issues got so horrible I started to take weight loss pills.  Back then the pills had caffiene in them so they worked like speed. I managed to drop the weight, but it would just go up and down. I started the diet pills and water pills at 15 and kept taking them until I got pregnant in 1990.  Weight has always been a miserable part of my existance.

I will continue this story tomorrow. I wonder how many of you have been where I was?

I began my journey yesterday, March 30, 2012. I had my first visit to the Midwest Bariatric Office in Dyer, Indiana with Dr. Cahill. I was scared, I am not going to lie. I was more nervous than the first day sitting at a weight watchers meeting. I sat in that waiting room not knowing what to expect. I am not new to waiting rooms. I have several health issues, so I spend a great deal of time in doctor offices. However, I know what to expect when I see my endocrinologist, my pain clinic, or my general physician. I have researched this for several years, but always thought I would give dieting a good try before anything drastic. Like most I lost some weight, but it slowly came back. It is not from a lack of trying. I can't explain it really. My children eat more than I do and I just have to have three meals a day and I balloon up.  I don't eat a lot either, I can't. I have a bad habit of making macaroni and cheese. It is my weakness. In fact, it is my only guilty pleasure. 

I know many of my surgeries have helped contribute to this weight gain. In 2007, I noticed a huge weight gain. I found out I had hypothyroidism. After some testing, I had to have both sides removed due to tumors in my thyroid. That sent my metabolism into a downward spiral. I was put on thyroid medications, but I am still not dialed in correctly. I just keep doing what the doctors say. Also, I became a diabetic. I am full blown, I have to take 5 injections daily and two oral medications. That has my body all messed up. And to top it off, I was in a car accident that broke my spine in three places. After three surgeries to correct my back issues, I have gained cadaver bone, titanium screws, titanium brackets, and rods. This greatly limits my mobility. So it is not like I can drop down an do 50 push ups, or lie on the floor to pull my legs up. My body is not flexible anymore. With the severe pain and fibromyalgia I am just a mess. I can walk, but not for any lenght of time. I can sit, but again not for a long time. If I get exhausted my heart issues act up and I am short of breath. So again, it is not a lack of trying, it is just impossible. Well I have my appointment made to see the dietician, the admitting doctor, and set up some blood work. I was told to go to a meeting, and I normally don't leave my house after 5pm, I think I will make an exception. I am just frustrated. And concerned that if the surgery is prolonged that I might get cold feet and back out of this. I am hoping for the best. Just one step at a time, one day closer.                                         Pat