Jeniferlee

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http://www.obesityhelp.com/forums/sex_before_and_after_wls/postdetail/221765.html?vc=0


The link above made me think even harder about my life and what I have, what I want.  I have had a great life, I have family and friends that love me no matter what size I am.  I would so relive it all over again rather than doing anything else but would I like to make changes some.  Sure but things have turned out OK.  My 1st marriage might have ended in divorce and lots of pain but I have two beautiful young men in my life because of it, well worth the pain and suffering.  My 2nd marriage is with a good guy, he gave me a few years of being a step mom to a daughter whom I believe some day will make a great difference in the world when her head comes out of her boyfriends ass, time will tell.  She is a great girl who has made some dumb choices but don't we all at some point I just wish she wouldn't hurt her dad so.....The husband is a caring, loyal, helpful guy the kind of guy who would do anything for you. I have two friends from high school that I can turn to with any issues or problems, between the two of them they know everything about me, I think better than I know myself!  Thats not saying much these days.
So would I do it all over again yes I would.......but I still wonder if there is more out there?  Those thoughts have been with me- what is missing and why is it missing????

I was reviewing my records from when I had to write my letter to the doctors office, etc....I never posted this letter before, it is bits and pieces from all over the place.....I am posting it now in hopes that maybe someone will read it and think to themselves that is how I feel and maybe I am doing the right thing.  I almost chickened out from doing this and thank God I didn't because it was one of the best things I have done for me!
This is from Winter of 2006.....

I'm a 36 year old Mom of two boys with a lot of irons in the fire, various projects in the works and hours of volunteering on an ongoing schedule.  I'm an achiever and I've been successful at accomplishing most of the goals and projects that I've set for myself except one, that is losing weight and keeping it off.  It has been the most frustrating, depressing thing in my life, makes me feel like a failure. Coming to this decision to have surgery was nothing I took lightly. I've been on tons of diets, all sorts of exercise systems.  Over the years I've noticed that the only times that I've been able to lose significant amounts of weight are when I'm eating almost nothing, starving myself and exercising non stop. The thing is I just can't keep it up. At some point, the stress always makes something "snap" and it's almost like I'm watching someone else eat all the weight back on. I thought I'd won the war after losing a little over 80 pounds in like 6 months after my first son was born.  But I put it all back on plus 80 more.  I skipped doctor’s appointments because I knew the doctor was going to say something to me about gaining the weight, and I was already feeling like a failure so I didn’t need to hear it there too.  My Mom told me enough times that I was fat; the more people said something the more I ate, the fatter I felt the more I ate.  After dieting for over 15 years, I've come to the conclusion that it just does not work for me. I stay home and don’t do things I love because I don’t want people to see me the size I am.  How can a girl who is 310 pounds have fun dancing, shopping, playing at the beach, being outdoors, doing almost anything, it is just much easier to stay home and not have anyone look at you like a object not a person.  Inside our feelings are all the same, I want the same things as the skinny girl who can either eat without fear of gaining or the one who exercises 3 hours a day to keep her body.  Some people drink to escape, I eat… Why it dulls the pain, it makes life not seem so bad, heck Food just tastes good.  I like food, but what I don’t like is what it has done to me!  It has been my friend for too many years and with friends like that who needs enemies.

 

 

This surgery is just a tool not the answer to my prayers. I figured that there is a possibility that I could die from the complications of surgery but if I don't, then eventually either diabetes, high blood pressure or heart disease would get me. You take risks at life everyday. I am just making sure I am going into this with my eyes wide open. 
I don't have a goal weight in pounds. I hate scales. I want to have a waistline and a normal silhouette, whether it's thin or a little bit on the voluptuous side. I want to be able to buy my clothes because they are stylish and I like them, not because that's all they had that would fit me. I want to be able to sit comfortably in a coach seat on an airplane. I want to be able to walk without my joints hurting or getting out of breath. I want to crawl up a ladder and not be afraid of it breaking because of my size.  I want to be rid of the pain in my back. I want to feel feminine and pretty and confident. I don't want to have to worry about how people are judging me because of my weight. I want to look like who I feel like I am, not like some old fat lady.   
Because of this surgery, for the first time in a long time, I have hope that someday I will be living a normal life. I've been to the info session, had a psych evaluation, and will be seeing a nutritionist next. I'd told my PCP that I wanted to do this and she wasn't gung ho, but she said she wouldn't stand in my way if this was what I felt like I needed to do. I told her I had a surgeon picked out and everything.  He is a Christian man who believes Gods hand leads his, who can go wrong with that belief.  God works in ways we will never understand, I may not always be the most humble servant of God but I know he is watching over me and he won’t give me more than I can handle.  (I only wish he didn’t trust me so much!)

 

 

Thanks for taking the time to read my ramblings and I hope this letter does indeed show you that I know what I am getting myself into, this isn’t a quick fix it is a lifetime change, a process that I will have to work at the rest of my life but with this tool I can get back the real me, the thinner girl inside this heavy body.

 

 

My weight has been holding its own, what goes in my mouth is an every day choice.  It is hard but it is well worth it.  Holding between 149-153 on any given day......

My emotions are another thing, they are all over the place, what makes someone tick, what makes a person happy, what really matters when it comes to life, when your old what will matter, does it matter now…… Who will be there for you when you need someone?  Who really cares one way or another?  How do you know? Is a friendship better than a marriage, should you have a roommate instead of a husband. Why can't we have it all?  Thought the weight was the issuse but I guess not.  Life is more than what is on the outside, insides are what it is about.  I am just glad God gave me an outside that matchs my inside!  I just hope he gives me the strength to do what is right and gives others the understanding to help me get where I need to go.  Whereever that may be!

From kelwelco on big medicines blog- it is said with an amen form me!!!! 
I had RNY in February 2002 and even 5 years out i am still 100 percent happy I had this surgery. I lost initially 110 pounds from a high of 256 and over the last 2 years I have gained back 20 pounds. While I still feel succesful in my surgery I will say that if one more person/doctor/professional says this surgery is a tool i will SCREAM!!! What made me think a 20,000 surgery will magical stop me from craving the krispy kreme donuts in the break room. How can i watch a mcdonalds commercial and not want the big mac and fries. I don't eat because of emotional issues, I don't eat from bordem, i don't eat because I am depressed...I EAT BECAUSE I ENJOY THE TASTE OF FOOD. I can force myself to eat those green beans, but it is NOT what i want to eat...I want a french fry instead. The french fry tastes SOO much better to me. Every single day I struggle with food choices. People of normal weight know how to fight off those cravings. I sit at work every day and fight and claw those obessive thoughts of food way. Sometimes I win, some days I don't. I don't have a normal relationship with food before or after surgery. I still to this day wish I could have a normal relationship with food and not obsess and crave for all those high fat and high sugar foods. I honestly think there is something mechanically wrong with the obese brain and until they figure that part out...obesity will NEVER go away.

Thanks for understanding or having some insight to where I am coming from. I am trying real hard not to sound negative to all the newbies on here and their newfound freedom from food addiction, but I just want people to understand is this "tool" only works for a couple of years and then you are on your own. Apparently, most obese people are suppose to have these "hidden" childhood struggles they must come to grips with and release and somehow that is the key to finding the answer to their obesity... uh.. okay.. i guess. (EVERYONE has childhood issues)!! I do admit I have an addiction to food, but shute...it TASTES good!!!

Oh and let me add...I AM COMMITTED to making the changes in my habits. I tell myself every single morning to make good food choices and try and stay away from those fattening foods that scream "EAT ME." I exercise almost every day, I make conscious decisions in every single food I put in my mouth...all I am saying is it is NOT easy and don't be fooled into believing this "tool" will help, because after a couple of years...you are on your own!

True love doesnt have a happy ending.
True love doesnt have an ending!
That says it all...

How many times can you let love walk away in one lifetime?

I needed to try this recipe so I copied here......Will post if they are good or not later!

1 1/4 cup splenda
1 cup peanut butter
1 egg
1 teaspoon vanilla

mix all together and shape into balls and can either press down with thumb or fork .  Bake for 10 to 12 minutes at 350 until browned. remove from pan.   if you press down with thumbprint you can put sugar free jelly in the thumbprint .

by Louise L. Hay,
Think for a moment of a tomato plant. A healthy plant can have over a hundred tomatoes on it. In order to get this tomato plant with all these tomatoes on it, we need to start with a small dried seed. That seed doesn't look like a tomato plant. It sure doesn't taste like a tomato plant. If you didn't know for sure, you would not even believe it could be a tomato plant. However, let's say you plant this seed in fertile soil, and you water it and let the sun shine on it.

When the first little tiny shoot comes up, you don't stomp on it and say, "That's not a tomato plant." Rather, you look at it and say, "Oh boy! Here it comes," and you watch it grow with delight. In time, if you continue to water it and give it lots of sunshine and pull away any weeds, you might have a tomato plant with more than a hundred luscious tomatoes. It all began with that one tiny seed.

It is the same with creating a new experience for yourself. The soil you plant in is your subconscious mind. The seed is the new affirmation. The whole new experience is in this tiny seed. You water it with affirmations. You let the sunshine of positive thoughts beam on it. You weed the garden by pulling out the negative thoughts that come up. And when you first see the tiniest little evidence, you don't stomp on it and say, "That's not enough!" Instead you look at this first breakthrough and exclaim with glee, "Oh boy! Here it comes! It's working!"

Then you watch it grow and become your desire in manifestation.

 

I read this on a myspace account- I thought WOW this chick can read my mind!
Below that are some quotes that I got emailed to me today, that also made me think....
As Reba sings "Is there life out there"?
********************************************
From myspace:
How can i tell you about me when i dont know about myself....I have been thinking a lot about it, what lies deeper within. The inner beauty that is there. Something waiting to get out. Wanting so bad to be discovered, to be set free, from the fury it battles with itself. Some day, who I really am, my inner-self will be available for everyone to see and to accept when I can finally accept it myself. Self love, self hate, self worth. A constant battle to be who you really want to be and not feel judged. Only I am my true judge, and I will judge myself with a kind heart, open mind, and true eyes. Only I can see whats inside, now I need to let others see what I have to offer. 
**************************************************************************************



" When you let go of your dreams it can take the better part of a lifetime to catch them again. It makes more sense to never let them go in the first place. Even If they eventually pass away, at least they were yours to hold onto all the while. Better is one day with an impossible dream planted firmly in your heart, than a thousand days spent in regret over the one you gave up on. Go find that dream"
Copyright © 2007 Ray Basile   
In life, we make some bad choices and are so quick to go back to the same mistake again and again. Sometimes we end up hurt and then we start asking ourselves why? Author Unknown  

"While waiting for the right person to come- play & have fun with the wrong one.  But be careful with who you play with because that person might have been the right one all along."
 Author Unknown --- Submitted by April D, WI

 " Why do we try to go through a closed door, when the there's an open door in front of us? There's a reason why that door is shut and closed because God is steering you in the direction. The closed door is the past and He wants you to choose the open door  because He wants you to know the best is yet to come!"
Copyright © 2007 Jonlyn Holt

" Difficulties in your life do not come to destroy you, but to help you to realize your hidden potentials. So let difficulties know that YOU are difficult."
Author Unknown --- Submitted by V.N. --- India
Best wishes and blessings…

 

" When in doubt, you begin to ask yourself, "Where do I go?" The answer lies within your eternal enlightened seed. There is no other place to look - not up, not down, not at the paycheck on the 1st and 15th, not in chapel with a man behind a shield. Do not look in a textbook filled with alterations by man over and over for thousands of years... look within yourself and look within your heart. Become at peace with yourself and those around you and the answer will find it's way into the very palm of your hand."
Copyright © 2006 Nate Crane
Personal experience.

" Those who live in the past cannot face the present or the future. Those who worry about the future never relax in the present. Those who are careless about the present have a rough or even no future at all. So, which one are you? In all of them they lack something and all hold a common trait. They lack courage to move on to reach for the future, faith to trust that they have a future, and ambition to do something with their lives for their future. Their common trait is this: None of them can control how their future will turn out. I, however, have no worries about my future, no longer hold on to the past, or am careless about the present. This is because I trust solely in... GOD!"
Written in 2006 by Casey C. --- Tennessee

" To love someone deeply gives you strength. Being loved by someone deeply gives you courage."
Lao-Tzu: Mainland

 " No matter what happened yesterday, today is another day; you can still enjoy yourself.

Live your life to the fullest. Love yourself."
Written in 2006 by Thandeka Gcumisa --- KZN, South Africa

 

 

" It is easy to beg for another's forgiveness and be forgiven. But to truly forgive yourself, you have to be capable of loving yourself, no matter what. You have to be magnanimous enough to be able to give yourself the liberty to live life without pretence or hypocrisy."
Copyright © 2006 Jaya Santhanam

 

" Mothers may leave lipstick marks on our cheeks but more importantly, they leave a permanent kiss on our soul."
Copyright © 2007 Mickie Taylor

 

 

 

Well the weight seems to be at a safe place, I am between 152-149 on any given day. I can handle that without a doubt.

I have been a bit needy these days, I feel like something in my life is missing. What I can not tell you but something I need. It is a selfish thing, I have a great family, a very “nice, honest, caring, giving” good guy husband. It is hard for me because he is a good man, he is a great dad, and we do have good times when he wants to have a good time. I just want more good times and more good times and a few more good times...... Totally a selfish beeiiitccchhhh- I know! Everyone keeps telling me I am the one who changed, I guess I have I went to the person I was when I wasn’t heavy, when I was living life not hiding from the public, I love being in public being the social butterfly! Of which I got a tattoo of a butterfly on my ankle, it is cute.....Life goes on and so will I, I will live my life and nothing will change, I will be just be stuffed in this life that I don’t feel like I should be living. But for now I will raise my boys and try to be a good wife, what more can someone ask for......I do have it all! A good job, a great husband, great kids, a cat, a dog, two sheep and a flower garden!

If anyone is reading this page deciding to have this surgery or not, my suggestion is research a lot and then some more.  Realize this is a life altering choice, a choice you will have to stick to for the rest of your life.  To me it was well worth the years of debating in my head, chickening out once, I needed the time to get to the point to learn I don't need food.  I still want things, crave sweets have head hunger, but....would I do it all over again?  In a heart beat I just wish I wouldn't have waited so long!  God gave me the strength and courage and he has a plan all laid out for me, I just wish I was more in on that plan so I wouldn't make such silly choices in life!  Anyway this past year has been awesome, I have only been sick a handful of times, I don't need my sleep apena machine anymore, everything is lower- even my shoe sizes.  The only draw back is not wearing clothes very long, and my rings all need to be resized!  But I have all new clothes now with some hand me downs.  (the cool thing is most of the people I was getting hand me downs from are all now bigger than me...hehehe big grins/like my Mom)
It has been an awesome year and I go into the next year with a goal of firming up this body to make it look ok without clothes on.  Cause now I need them to cover up the 101year old body. Cover up the feelings I have inside, the feelings that need to hide deep inside where no one can see them.  Anyway thanks for taking the time to check things out have an awesome day and a great year!  If you have any questions feel free to ask away!  As you can see I like to type and I love to talk!

Here is my post from the April page:
Yesterday was my one-year anniversary and my doctor’s appointment. I was in his office, I started to get tears as I told him thank you for giving me this new life. He says he only gave me the tool, now the honeymoon is over and I will have to use it, exercise and learn that even though I can eat foods-DON’T. Now the real work begins! I have revowed this morning to keep up on my exercise, giving me the physical strength to tighten some of this loose skin and flab, and I have the resolution to work on this journey with the same spirit I had in the first year! I will not be one of the vast majority that gains back their weight after the honeymoon stage is over.

On a wow moment I went to the mall shopping for the first time, since I was in high school. I live about 2 hours away from a real “mall”; I was excited and scared at the same time. I fit into 10’s, Medium shorts, Medium shirts; even my shoe size went down lots. I went to Kohl’s, Younkers, Vanity Fair and Christopher & Banks then spent way more than I should have, but oh is it fun to shop off the rack. I now hope I stay this size for the summer.
Well April is almost over and our first year is under our belts, here’s to our next 52 weeks with much continued success, encouragement and support this upcoming year!
Hugs,
Jenni

~~~"Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength. Failure will never overtake me if my determination to succeed is strong enough”~~~