idcallie
Emotional Ups and Downs...
Oct 15, 2007
10/16/07
I think that these emotional ups and downs that seem to be occurring these first days after surgery must be accepted as a part of the process. I have a couple of walking buddies at work and we try to walk 2 miles each work day so I am anxious to return to work so that this established routine can resume. T has been really good about trying to get out with me to do some walking in our neighborhood. So yes, just a bit of progress each day will yield the right results. The weight did move. I am down almost 7 pounds so the lack of much food is definitely beginning to show up in weight loss. I went to the support group last night and it was good to have so much support and inspiration available from so many that have already gone through this stage. I was surprised when my walking buddy from work walked in with a friend who had the surgery several years ago. I guess she is considering it. I had to swear her to secrecy since I have not shared with anyone at work that I was going to do this. She is only in her mid-thirties and if she could get this kind of help this early, she may have a much more healthy life. I look forward to sharing more with her should she ask.
Tired...
Oct 13, 2007
10/14/07
The surgery went fine with the pain being well controlled with the morphine pump. Did have some dry heaves that were extremely uncomfortable the second night. Since then, the biggest challenges have been getting the water in, drinking enough protein and getting daily exercise. I feel so worn out most of the time. Since it will soon be a week since my surgery, I am thinking I need to just toughen up and just do it!!!!! Since my BMI was lower going in due to multiple co-morbidities, the weight loss has been VERY discouraging. I was 199 going into surgery and have only lost 1.5 pounds. But the bright side is I am off five of the eight medications I was taking and the blood pressure has been lower than it has been in several years!!!! So all in all, I am very grateful!!!!! It is harder in that it seems like all I think about is food. I think mostly about having eggs. Tonight we added natural protein powder to cashew carrot ginger soup. Much nicer than the protein drinks for sure. May need to think more about adding the natural protein to more flavorful dishes to add a bit of variety and interest.
Blah Day...
Oct 12, 2007
10/13/07
It has been a blah day. I am still very tired. I awoke at 4 p.m. and then snoozed in the chair until T got up around 8 am, I had a protein drink and then went back to bed around 9 am. Slept until 12:30 and it took me until after 2:30 to get ready to get out of the house for a drive and some basic shopping. We got home around 5 p.m. and made a protein yogurt shake and then laid on the couch for several hours. I am not taking any of my meds right now. Could be the tiredness is related not only to the surgery and morphine drip, but a bit of depression as well. I am having a huge problem getting the amount of water I am suppose to be drinking and am not getting the recommended amount of protein either. The scale was still at 198.5 so that is equally as depressing. I did not have a lot of expectations, but I think I did expect a weight loss of 5 – 7 pounds by now. As T said and I believe it is true I just have to go with the process and the weight will go away slowly.
Done Deal!!!!!
Oct 10, 2007
10/11/2007
It is two days since my surgery. The morphine drip made them a bit of a blur. I initially felt I was doing well and then vomited once and got dry heaves the second night. Not fun! I came home this afternoon {Thursday) after they did a barium contrast to make sure the fluids were going down well and there were no leaks. Since having access to flavored water, I have been able to get much more fluid down. I have gotten almost twenty ounces down with the last several hours where previously the most I could manage were four ounces. I started my period spontaneously today. I had quite a bout with loose/watery bowels. I actually felt much better when that was over as my stomach was not as bloated. I have one stitch that looks irritated so we had to cut the tape off of that one to see if it was just the tape that was irritating it. Will check it again in the morning.
T was such a big help both in the hospital and now at home. I sure appreciate him.
T was such a big help both in the hospital and now at home. I sure appreciate him.
Anxious...Two days to surgery...
Oct 06, 2007
10/7/07
Tomorrow is the day before my surgery. I start the liquids and the colon cleaner. I can feel an anxiety within me. This is a huge change yet there is a part of me that doesn’t believe I am going to lose weight. I have had a hard time making any progress for a long time. I have been eating like crazy, anything and everything that sounds halfway attractive. I am to the point of literally making myself sick. I am so anxious to have this help my legs from hurting. I also want my life to mean more than eating. I feel as if I have eaten enough for a lifetime. Giving up some of these things will be a relief. I am just so hoping that I won’t have the cravings and the desires that seem to rule my life. I think of T too and his health problems. I don’t want to lose him because I encouraged bad behaviors with eating because I was unable to control myself. I have read Obesity Help site and looked at the before and after pictures. I have read their stories and I so hope I am one of the ones who does not have complications and need additional procedures. It is hard enough paying for this as it is and I don’t want to collapse my financial base due to medical bills.
I am fearful I will not be able to follow the guidelines since I have not been able to stick to any diet for very long. The main thing I think about is all of the people on obesityhelp.com were often bigger than I am and they were able to do it. Have had a dream about waking up in the recovery room. Kind of odd and frightening although I have to say that when I had surgery in the past, I did not feel frightened. It will be better and better each day. All I have to do is follow what I need to do and look forward to the next day… As much I have thought since deciding to do this, I have not been writing. Curious given that writing is how I have dealt with anxiety in the past. So here’s to a better future and may this all work out as I have hoped.
Ambivalent...
Oct 03, 2007
10/4/07
So less than a week and I still feel ambivalent. The more I read the rules that I will need to follow as well as the stats for people keeping their weight off, I am concerned. I have a lifetime of very bad eating habits and weight concerns. Sugar addiction and constant thoughts of food. I am worried to spend so much money for something so drastic to then make the same lousy choices and be right back where I started????
Goals
Sep 30, 2007
Lessen pain in legs and back
Increase exercise to 5 – 6 times per week
Go bike riding
Decrease blood pressure
Decrease triglycerides
Decrease cholesterol
Sort out closets to have clothes in only one closet
Get back into the Swiss suits
Eat healthy
Lose 87 pounds
Weigh 120
Do more gardening
Keep a cleaner house
Eliminate clutter
Speak up when I feel and think something other than what is being shared by someone else
Be a kinder person
Be less critical of others and myself
Concentrate more on Ryan, Daniel
Be a better daughter
Be other focused
Plan fun things to do
How will this all work?
Sep 23, 2007
9/24/07
Just two weeks as of tomorrow and I will have the surgery. I am feeling like I want to cry tonight. I tried so hard to "start eating like I will after the surgery." I walked two times today, one by myself and once with a friend. I tried to drink the protein drink twice and then started feeling hungry and ate a lean pocket pepperoni pocket, roast beef, cheese and dill pickle (2) and then had a few candy Spree and then caught some cheese filled chips and chowed down on those and then ate my subway sandwich and chips like I had not eaten all day. I am so afraid that I can’t live up to this diet and I won’t be thin and I will always feel like a blimp and hurt and continue to have these health problems. If I can’t be good now in preparation for the surgery, how will I ever live the way I need to for this to work?
Mixed emotions...
Sep 22, 2007
9/23/07
I have had mixed emotions over the past weeks since I scheduled the bypass surgery. I have only a vague understanding of exactly how this decision will ultimately affect my life although I have read multiple books on the surgery, its aftermath and how other who have had it feel about it. I guess I have so little faith in myself and my ability to manage my eating correctly. I am also fearful that I won’t lose the weight and then if I do lose weight, be unable to maintain it.
Great Support Group Meeting
Sep 16, 2007
9/17/07
I enjoyed the support group meeting. I sat by a woman who, unfortunately has had many problems since her surgery five months ago. Despite the challenges she has faced, she still was optimistic and highly recommended the procedure. It was interesting to listen to the comments by the group’s members. All seemed extremely pleased that they had done it, even those who had some difficulty or another because of it. On the whole, it appeared that they had gained more than they had sacrificed. A curious thing I did note was what appeared to be a thought pattern of trying to eat the sugars and fried foods that use to get us in trouble. A comment one person made had to do with coffee and exactly how bad can a couple of cups of coffee and caffeine be for you? The nutritionist brought up the fact that caffeine irritates the stomach and makes the pouch more susceptible to ulcers. One woman went so far as to be a bit argumentative about how she did not see how it could hurt. A woman brought up a helpful analogy; would you feed a baby that stuff? Think of the pouch as a new baby stomach and take care of it as you would a baby. I so hope with my past "stinking thinking" in regards to food that I can do this right so that I can finally achieve the normal weight that has so eluded me my entire life.
I looked at an old photo album the other day. From my youngest pictures, the general discomfort with my body is evident, at least to me. I even remember what I was thinking at the time the picture was taken and it always had to do with my body and feeling fat. I can honestly say, I don’t seem to have any clue as to the way one is suppose to feel. I would just like to feel comfortable in my own skin.
In looking around the room at the members, some looked very nice, one looked way too thin, others looked sort of average and then there was everyone in-between in the losing process. I was shocked by the fact that some had lost up to 80 pounds within five months. It was related there and I have read about it too that the first 6 – 10 months are the golden period where the weight will likely come off very fast. Once this period is over, then it will most likely be much like it has been in the past as far as losing only a couple of pounds a month. In the past I would have been concentrating on the weight and my size. Now, I am afraid to even hope that that will happen. I am more interested in the part about my health and wanting some of this pain to go away. That seems to be my focus.
