Jen W.
I'm scheduled for an information session at Park Nicollet on November 1st. I have been thinking about bariatric surgery (RNY, specifically) for some time now. I scheduled myself for an info session a few months ago and backed out. Now, I think it is time to go. I've been trying weight watchers off and on for some time now. I kept telling myself if I keep with it, it will come. I would lose quite a bit of weight the first week, then maybe 1 or 2 pounds for the next couple of months even though I was following the program to a T and excercising. Eventually I would get disgusted and stop and gain back my loss and then some.
I went to the doctor the other day (I've been having some concerning/potentially serious health issues the past couple of weeks) and somehow my weight ballooned to 345. What? 2 years ago I was at about 295. A few days previous I had gone into Lane Bryant and tried on a pair of size 28 cords and could hardly button them. I left feeling dejected. A couple days later a size 28 at Avenue fit fine, but the fact that I was so heavy was still lurking in the back of my mind.
I've always been the "chubby" girl, the "big-boned" girl, or even as an adult (when there seem to be less excuses) the "fat" chick. I've learned to embrace the identity. I guess, as I see my health deteriorate (aches & pains, high bp, etc) I lose my grasp on that identity of the "fat, but beautiful girl."
I want to be healthy and have the outside reflect what the inside of me feels. I want to climb the stairs everyday without losing my lungs. I want to go to a concert and KNOW that I am going to fit into the seats at the State Theater or Orpheum in Minneapolis. I want to go to Valley Fair with my family and friends, have the stamina to last the whole day AND be able to ignore the dang weight restrictions on the rides because I don't need to worry about them anymore!
I have a loving, supportive partner, Nicole (Nick), whom I consider to be my wife. Yep, I'm gay. Guess being a gay woman is another part of the equation as well -- its not o.k. with me if you're my friend and not o.k. with that. Nick couldn't be better about helping me through my decision process and trying her best to understand what I'm going through now and have been my whole life. While she's not a size 7 by any means she's never NOT been able to walk into a regular store and know she is going to fit into their clothes. Together, we'll make it through this.
I guess I feel like I am just struggling right now with a few questions about life after bariatric surgery.
Can I ever eat cake or ice cream again? I love those 2 things.
How many people have the plastic surgery to remove excess skin and what does it look like if you don't?
What happens to people who had the surgery 15 years ago? 20 years ago? Do we really know the long term effects yet on some other things?
I know this is a huge, HUGE lifestyle change. It's not like weight watchers. Once I do it, I can't go back. Yet, I know in my heart I need to lose this weight and the younger I am when I get it off, the better.
**** 11/3/2005 *****
I went to PN info session on 11/1/05. It was a little scary going by myself. Most others had someone along with them. I thought Terri was very informative and well-educated and made things very easy to understand. I had a lot of my questions answered by her presentation and more answered by her question and answer session, including those I asked myself. I feel like I am more on solid ground now with my decision to pursue WLS. However, I am still going to do some more reading on it. I have already requested a transfer of WLS for Dummies from my library. I would have preferred Nick to be with me at the session because I know she has a million questions, but unfortunately she had to work.
I have the packet to fill out. I have to admit, I started on it right after I got home that evening. I think it will be a couple of weeks before I send it as I have to wait for my primary care doc to sign off and I may need to get in to get a regular physical as well. My doc took some labs the last time I was in and examined me, but technically it wasn't an annual exam so I don't know if it will count.
Most people's stories I've read are anxious to get it done NOW. I guess I was o.k. with the 3-4 month wait I will have until I probably have surgery. I think it gives me more time to get accustomed to the changes I will have to make and give me more time to read up on it and understand. Of course I'd like to begin the journey now, but I understand the process. Terri said they are about 95 days out after meeting with a nurse and about 2 weeks out to meet with a nurse after the packet is sent in. So, I'm looking at probably March before I would have surgery.
I managed to talk to my mom about it as well last weekend. I felt like I had more information under my belt to use as ammo, so to speak. The talk went well with her. She doesn't know anything about the surgery and it seems the lack of information scares her more than anything. Even for a college professor, she is believing all the things she's heard over the years. Though she doesn't know anyone who has had the surgery she has still managed to hear some things about it - maybe enough to make her dangerous but not well-informed. She agrees I need to do something to get my weight off. I think she wishes I could do something else, convinced its my metabolism or the foods I eat (possible allergies she thinks) but we're going to have a conversation about it at Thanksgiving and I will bring what I have then. I want her support as well.
I've not told my dad yet. He has had his share of health problems so I am sure he will understand. He is almost always 100% supportive of me. My best friend wants nothing to hear about it and is convinced its a bad thing for so many reasons -- part of it is that she worked with a woman who had a bad experience with it with a lot of side effects. I explained that different people handle it differently and for the most part, most people are happy with it.
I'm excited to be further on my journey. I'm excited to have the packet and be submitting it. I'm just darn excited!
*** 11/15/2005 ****
Got a call from the scheduler at Park Nicollet today - only 2 days after sending in my packet. The next appointment they have for a 1 hour consultation with the nurse is one month from tomorrow - 12/16/05. I am sure with the holidays I'll hardly notice the time pass.
I've also been doing a little to try to get some weight off before surgery. At first I was like, no way! I'll wait until I have the surgery and it will be easier, but.... I am starting to think it won't be easier for me to wait. I know I'll lose some on the 10 day pre-op liquid diet, but I would like to lose some now so I'm at about 320 or so going into pre-op liquid. It might be hard, but I am going to give it a go by watching portions and eating healthier and trying to walk a couple of days a week. Funny, when I smoked I was walking more than now!
****1/5/2006****
Been a while since I updated on here I guess. Had my consult with Dorothy at PN back in December (almost a month ago? No way!). Her computer module put me at weighing 197 goal weight, but I have been lower than that and been healthy, so I think I am going to aim for a personal goal of 150-160. I've seen others do it so I know it is doable. I also know I currently weigh more than some who have, but.....I think its attainable. Unfortunately I was not able to schedule my assessment right away - damn holidays! but, its on January 10th -- 5 days from now! Then we start the waiting game of everyone finishing up things and applying for approval. I feel like I have been waiting forever. I started this process of deciding I wanted to do this and researching in October. In the grand scheme of things I know 6 months (I'm thinking surgery will be in March, most likely) is not too long, but when you're excited for something it takes forever!
I've not been so good about getting weight off prior to surgery. For a while I had the "last meal syndrome." That's waned now. I gained weight when I quit smoking even though I did not feel like I was eating more. Then, we had the holidays ... and now, well, I am trying - eating less, doing the water thing, and looking into joining the Y.
I've been doing my best to take vitamins every day AND take an iron supplement. I've had a low hemoglobin for a long time, but apparently Dorothy thought it was probably too low for the doc to o.k. me for surgery. I'm trying to do what I can do to bring it up. I don't want something as silly as that to stop me or delay the process.
*****1/26/2006*****
I had the assessment a little more than 2 weeks ago. All went well. They said I was perhaps one of the most educated people to go through the process. Yes, I did my research before even deciding to go to the seminar. I did o.k. on the PT assessment, but I get tired easily (duh). She suggested I not join a gym yet. She did not think I would be up to getting my full dollar out of it. She wanted me to try walking for 10 minutes each day, then increase to 2 times a day, etc. Of course I've not done it. Does anyone? The psych eval and follow-up went fine. I had a little bit of a rough time with it for a couple of days. She made me think about a lot of things I had forgotten about, or chose to forget about. I'm o.k. now and she said she 100% recommends me for it. I knew that would be fine. The MD pissed me off royally. Has the woman ever been fat in her life? I just did not hit it off with her and felt like she was less than personable. I'm sorry that this is your job -- to see assessment patients all day, but don't take it out on me. She is making me have a sleep study (ugh) and my thyroid levels have to be normal before they can submit to insurance. All in all, I'm over her too, but she was rude and talked to me like a child. I called Nick by her name - Nick AFTER we'd already discussed me being gay and then she decides to tell me that I have to be on birth control, yadda yadda yadda and how not to be is irresponsible, etc. I looked at her with a blank look and said "I'm GAY" I think its o.k. I don't care if she felt stupid. She made me feel like she didn't listen to me either. Apparently a woman can't be named Nick. Arrgh. Short for Nicole??
So, I called PN last week to see when my thyroid can be re-tested and got kind of a snippy reaction. She told me that's something between me and my primary care doc and even though she won't submit without it being o.k I have to deal with him on all issues like that. Argh. O.k. So, gotta call him next week. The sleep study is tomorrow. They called me 2 weeks after my assessment. I'm not thrilled about it. I really think its a waste of time and money, but its now mandated that I go ... so I will. I get to sleep with wires all over me tomorrow with some random person watching me and videotaping me. Yeay. I am NOT looking forward to it, but if it gets me closer, then yeay!
I've been reading a lot of profiles online lately about people who've had WLS and been successful. I want to be that successful. I know I can be. Lately we've been eating out too much and I've been kind of a glutton. I've given myself some goals for next week to get over this last meal syndrome. I can do this prior to surgery. It can only help me post surgery!
****1/29/2006*****
Had sleep study on Friday. I hated it and am glad its over, but no apnea for me.
When the mail came yesterday I had a surprise ---
THEY SUBMITTED TO INSURANCE!!
I was surprised because I thought the sleep study had to be done and results in AND I thought my thyroid had to be restested as well. WTF? So, I've been told my insurance is "quick" and most have an answer within 7 days. I'm going to call tomorrow to make sure they received it and then call back the end of the week to see if there is an answer.
It just is starting to sink in and all feel so dang real now. I can't even describe. Heck, I even dreamt about it last night.
On another front, seems my mom has done a backpedal on her feelings on this again ... either that or she just has too much on her plate and it doesn't feel real important to her at all right now. I talked to her last night and everytime I mentioned it to her she changed the subject. I am truly grateful for my wife and her support as well as my friends I've made who know what I am going through. I wish my family could be a little more supportive as well. Makes me think I should tell my dad. I know he'd be supportive, but that's part of the reason I've not told him yet. I have this fear that he'll be too supportive. He has always been on me about my weight (its lessened in adult years, but if I lose any weight its the first thing he comments on) and I'm afraid he'll be more appreciative and loving towards a smaller me versus a large me.
****2/8/2006*****
I called insurance today for about the 6th time and found out that
I HAVE BEEN APPROVED!!! I am so excited I can't stand it. It just struck me how strange it must seem to everyone out there who isn't going through this (or hasn't) that we all get so excited about having surgery and going under the knife!! I am seriously so ready to start this next step of my life.
I am venturing out to a support group meeting tonight for the first time. There is going to be a topic I could use -- what happens when they put you under. I've never had surgery before. Luckily Nick will be there with me.
Wow, this is so real now. Now I just wait for insurance to fax/mail to my clinic and I can set up my appointments!
****2/10/2006******
Came in to work after being off yesterday to find out that I had a message from the clinic to call. They got the fax confirming that I was approved less than 24 hours after they approved it. Wow!
So, called back and got a date scheduled for my consult. I am getting Dr. Wetherille. I just said first available and that's what worked out. My appointment for consult is already next Thursday and then I should be able to schedule my surgery!! WOW. It seems so much more real now. It seems likely, as well, that my surgery will be early to mid March as well. WOW.
Drinking my h20 now today. I'm swearing off pop (diet is all I drank before) so I am used to it. I'm just trying to take one day at a time and one thing at a time.
************February 16th, 2006*****************
I have a date!!! I have a date!!
I'll be having surgery on March 6th! I know, its awfully quick, but not as quick as the lady who went in before me and came out with March 1st date. Dang - that would mean starting liquids tomorrow! I start liquids next week - Friday - same day as my nutritionist consult. Yeehaw!!
I don't even have any more words for how excited I am right now. I can't wait to be a loser and start the next portion of my life. Can Not Wait.!!
*********February 26th, 2006********
It's been 10 days since I updated. I've been trying to get everything in order for surgery since then. Filed my FMLA paperwork am waiting on the disability paperwork. Looks like so far I will be out from work between 3 and 4 weeks, depending on what disability gives me. They just need to get their paperwork to me already! Arrgh. Started liquids only on Friday morning. So far it is going pretty well. I have not cheated yet. I hear of a lot of people cheating. I know I can make it through without cheating if I try hard and I am setting that as a goal for myself. This is hard to do pre-surgery with a large stomach! But, if I can do it now post surgery will be a breeze. I just find its best to stay busy and drink lots of flavored water. Its just so hard to believe that my life will be changing one week from tomorrow morning! This week I need to get my health care directive signed and notarized as well as go to my primary doc for a pre-surgery checkup. This is all moving so fast and I feel like I have no concept of what life is going to be like post surgery for me at all!
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************3/5/2006***************
Well, surgery is tomorrow. It's been 10 days of the liquid diet. My fat in places feels gushy and has dents where fat used to be. It's super sexy. I get to do the bowel prep this afternoon and I am SO looking forward to it. Not. I'm not really nervous about tomorrow morning. At this time tomorrow I will be in surgery and almost completed. I am a little nervous about waking up from the anesthesia, especially being in a room full of other people who have had surgeries with nothing to "concentrate" on or look familiar to me. I'm nervous about my pouch post surgery. I know it will be second nature to me quickly and I will be "aware" of it for the rest of my life, but right now it doesn't feel like it simply because even though I've been told countless times what it feels like to have one I still have no idea myself. I do think, however, that it will be nice to not be hungry for a while. I don't have any idea what that feels like --- or at least feel like I don't have any idea after this 10 day liquid diet!!!!
I'm just so excited that tomorrow is the day I have been waiting for -- the next day of the rest of my life.
******************3/5/06***********
Posted this in my livejournal
I really enjoy my mom ... despite all my rumblings we have had a very nice time this weekend. She got to meet 2 of our friends and we all had a great time last night telling stories and chatting. We've enjoyed a very relaxed day today with the animals, a nap, and the TV for diversion.
Nick's such a sweetheart. She made a meal I would completely hate -- pork chops with baked potato for herself and my mom. Yuuuucccckkk. I didn't even mind the smell of it cooking.
Since there are no groceries in the house for Nick we had to make a trip to the grocery store today. That was pure torture. I can have NOTHING today but clear liquids. It wasn't horrible thinking of the next couple of months without a majority of that food, but was torture thinking of today without it. All the pictures on the labels looked so vibrant. Even foods I normally don't like looked delicious. I started to tear up, but there Nick was with a hug and I stopped. I have wonderful support. My mom, being the sweetie she can be, paid for all Nick's groceries today too. She also told me that post surgery, once I've lost some weight she has put some money away to go shopping with me for a new wardrobe!! How fun! I said I hope to one day be able to wear "regular" sizes again so I can shop in the same department as my mom and not have to walk over to the "plus suze" area.
The bowel prep was not complete hell, but everything I drink today afterwards goes straight through me. I hate to think what it would have been like if I had been eating food these past 10 days.
I'm really pretty calm going into this. I know what to expect. I know its the right decision for me. I know my life depends on it, and I know I have a wonderful support of friends and family to help me through.
See ya'll on the losing side.
I'm psyched!
*******************3/9/06***********************
I'm home now. Surgery went well. I never imagined I would be so tired or that it would really hurt, but it did. I've been running a fever off and on too and I have been having some awful migraines though I am not sure why. I'm wondering if my period is coming or if my body is adjusting to so little calories all day long. I am going to try to add some more juice into it just in case. So far getting my water in has been o.k. I am still too uncomfortable to sleep in the bed so I have been sleeping in the lazy boy instead. I'm on the road to recovery -- just a little impatient and wish it would go quicker!
*******************3/19/2006*********************
I'm 2 weeks out from surgery tomorrow. I wish I could be one of these that said "I never felt better", but I can't. I started full liquids on MOnday night/Tuesday morning and pureed by Friday and I have had a hell of a week. I thought it was lactose intolerance after I tried to drink my first glass of milk. I got a major, major stomach ache (worse than I have had before) and after that subsided literally hours later I burped milk for well over a day. Well, it has continued and I've been "burping" at least one part of every meal every day. I even tried soy milk. Yup, it must not be lactose intolerance because I burped that too. Today was a horrendous day. I ate refriend beans, which have been o.k. so far, and have had the worst stomach ache for the past 8 hours. I have been in misery. I can't even sleep - percocet doesn't work and I've bawled and cried at least 3 times today. I keep "burping" everything and am awful nauseous. I am calling the nurse on it but it seems like its reflux perhaps? Maybe its something more serious. I hate it. It has made this week hell. I can't get more than 2 meals in, no milk, and I am pretty weak from lack of nutrition and protein. I can't even handle going to Target for an hour. Grrrr!! Good news is as of Friday (or yesterday, I forget) I am down 33 pounds so far! Yeay me. I can tell it most in my feet and ankles, and some in my legs and butt. I hope we can figure this food thing out though because this stomach ache is horrible and I feel like crap.
*******3/21/2006****************
My day -- crap
I had the worst day in what feels like ever.
Started last night. Nick made me tomato soup, but made it with milk by mistake. I ate it before I realized I would have a reaction. I have a really, really hard time gauging how much soup i should eat because it feels like it goes through me anyways and I felt like I ate too much.
Forward one hour -- I am in excruciating pain, burping reflux like crazy, and pretty nauseous. I can't sleep. I'm practically in tears over the pain. I play on the puter, rock back and forth and finally convince myself around 1:30 to take some percocet so I can sleep.
I sleep from about 2 a.m. to 7 a.m. because I have a primary care doc appt this morning for a blood pressue check. I wake up and am STILL burping even though I have had nothing to eat. I am refluxing like crazy and it doesn't really burn though like its supposed to. Nick tells me my burps smell like farts. Yeay. They don't taste very well either. I talk to my primary doc about it who decides it could either be my pouch not draining right or actual reflux and prescribes zantac for me. He tells me in the meantime to follow my eating by the book and measure everything. He tells me if I vomit to let him know as it could signal a more serious condition.
Nick brings me home. I try to sleep for a couple of hours. The dogs are being crazy. She calls and we chat. I decide I'd better try to eat something so I try some applesauce. It takes me 45 minutes to eat 2 measured tablespoons worth. I am in misery. I hurt so bad. I try walking, sitting in my chair, going to the bathroom - you name it. I am in the bedroom and start gagging. Within seconds I am hurling -- all over the floor. I hurled at least 10 times. I hurled all of yesterday's food along with today's food. All this stuff was in my pouch? No foamies, just tomato soup, milk, acid, and applesauce. I start crying because I'm scared. I try to call Nick and end up throwing up more. There is just way more than there should be. I am able to finally call Nick and she comes home.
We call my nurse, but she is in clinic all day. I tell Nick to leave a message because at least I talked to her the day before and she knows what's going on. Nick thinks its more urgent and presses the key to get through to another nurse. She doesn't want to talk to Nick and eventually tells me in so many words that my partner overreacted. She sounds annoyed the whole phone call. I think I interrupted a personal call of hers. Grrr. So, she hears what is going on and tells me that even though she is really confused why I threw up yesterday's food and threw up so much to just go to clear liquids for 24 hours and hopefully whatever is inflamed will go down. K.
I have to call back tomorrow and talk to my nurse. I didn't get the 32 ounces of fluid in within 2.5 hours that the nurse wanted me to get in. I couldn't. Every time I drink I get this horrible pain in my pouch/stomach area. It's probably just because it's irritated from me hurling so much today. I try to drink and drink, but keep falling asleep. 5 hours sleep isn't doing it for me. I finish 1/2 of it with my stomach in excruciating pain when I fall asleep. Waking 3 hours later I don't have the pain, but I probably also have an empty stomach. I am still refluxy with nothing in my stomach. Grrrr. I don't get this. My mom just happens to call and Nick tells her all about it, which worries her. She thought everything would be smooth sailing and I think this brings back memories of her cousin dying after having the surgery.
So, anyways, I end up taking some liquid percocet so I can handle drinking (and go back to sleep tonight) -- still have some pain when drinking. I may be dehydrated, though I don't think so. I'm afraid of getting dehydrated though.
What could all this be?
**************4/16/2006**********************
Sorry - almost a month since update. Life has been busy and I sometimes forget to check OH for days at a time even. Its kind of funny since I probably checked it 3 or 4 times per day pre-surgery.
All in all everything is going GREAT for me right now. I'm expecting another bump in the road soon - there always seems to be one, but for every person it seems to be different.
I can't believe I am 6 weeks post op tomorrow! Wow. I am only weighing on Mondays so I won't know til the morning how much I am down. My goal is 299 by May first and I'm pretty certain I can make it. I want to be between 240 and 260 by the end of summer and I'm sure that's more than attainable too. I started out at 365 (or 367 according to the nutritionist). Wow. I just looked at pictures of myself the night before surgery and felt like crying. I said to Nick -- why didn't anyone tell me I'd gotten so big and looked so horrible? From the front it was not so bad, but the side? Horrible.
Just today I noticed changes in my face. I am still wearing a size 28 pants and 26/28 shirts. I want to go down in size, but the larger you gtet the tougher it is. Eventually I will be smaller and then before I know it I will be wearing a 22 or something. For now I can be glad that I haven't really had to buy new clothes.
Food has been going well for me too. I'm officially on mashed foods. I'm not fond of chili, but I can do about 1/3 of a veggie burger with cheese on a good day. I'm struggling to get 3 meals in plus my water on the weekends, but on the weekdays it seems to work because I have more of a schedule. I have not tried a lot of meat yet. It needs to be super moist in order for me to eat it. I do a lot of cheese and tuna, but that all gets mundane after a while too. I'm slowly starting a bit of soft foods too. So far nothing has "stuck" and nothing has made me sick, but I take it pretty easy. I'm rarely hungry so I don't have the desire to eat much.
I am trying to exercise as much as I can. I walk on my lunch break -- about a mile -- when I can which is usually 3 days a week or so. It feels good to be active again.
I think what I had about 3 weeks ago was an inflammation of my stoma. No one ever diagnosed it and I was a bit disappointed when no one even checked in on me from my nurse's team. I was not freaking out from something normal. The rinitidine my primary care doc prescribed has helped enormously. I still can't do milk or milk stuff yet though.
Here's hoping for a smooth rest of the ride down .... and I'll try to post more often!
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5/7/06
Yesterday was my 2 month surgiversary (though I'm 9 weeks out tomorrow).
I wrote about it in my online journal which you can read here
http://weightlosslesbo.livejournal.com/
I'm doing well. Down to 304 and weigh in day is actualy tomorrow so we'll see if it goes down from there. I am still aiming for below 300 by the time we leave to see my mom on Friday. I'm certain it can happen.
I did a scary thing - I finally downloaded my pics from pre-surgery. YUCK. What did I let myself get to that for? I am just now starting to feel like I am getting back to the weight where everyone else STARTS to think about having WLS. I still have a long ways to go. I'm confident I can do it though.
Oh! I found my new "thing." -- Ice tea (mango peach is good) that's real from Caribou. I LOVE it - its real tea, 0 calories, and I add splenda. Yummmy!! It gives me an alternative when I feel like I want a treat and everyone else is getting caramel coolers! Plus, this is $2 instead of the almost $5 they're paying!! Score.
K. Here's the awful pictures!
Hmmm.... How do I post more pics on here??
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5/18/2006
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You know? I never updloaded my 2 month out pictures. I still shake my head every single day at what this surgery has done for me in a little less than 3 months. I know I am no where close to being done, but I am enjoying the ride.
Over the past couple of weeks I have ordered a "wrap" sandwich at various places when we've gone out to eat. I usually end up coming home with at least 1/2 to 3/4 of it left. What amazes me is that pre-surgery I would have NEVER ordered a wrap sandwich unless I had eaten not long ago because even with fries, it never would have been enough food. I think now -- how did I eat that much? And, of course, it always takes me 1/2 hour to eat it too. But, I still have my taste for mexican and spicy food - maybe even more. Plus, I am willing to experiment with food a little more now too to try to make the things that don't work anymore work with a little change.
My body, at 294.5 now is rapidly changing too. I'm jiggly almost everywhere, but in a good way. I can see my face again. When I smile - I look like I'm radiating for some reason. My hands and feet seem to look smaller - not just less fat, but actually smaller (they are large and long). I was marvelling at my hands and feet one night on the phone with my mom - telling her they actually had bones now. Well, she must have gotten quite a chuckle out of my story as she told some relatives of mine. The other day one of my uncles sent me a card from the "Good hand people" (always a joker) congratualting me on putting the bones back in my hands and saying how proud he was of me. I was shocked. It will be one of those things I save from this surgery.
Turning 30 in 12 short days and with the change I've made - I'm o.k. with it. Life is going so well. Looking very much forward to spending the weekend in Northern WI at one of the most peaceful lakes and cabins I have visited.
So, I leave my journal with a couple more pics -- these from a couple of weeks ago on my 2 month anniversary. Wow, and it only gets better from here!
****** 6/3/2007 ********
My 3 month anniversary is coming up in 3 days. I can hardly believe it. I can eat almost anything now - but still very small quantities and a lot of things I stay away from -- bread, pasta, rice, beef, sweets, fatty foods, etc. Went away for the weekend last weekend. We visited Hayward for one of our days. They have a lot of touristy type shops. Usually I hate going into the T-shirt shops because I can never find anything to fit me. Saw a sweatshirt I liked on clearance and reached for a 4x. Nick laughed at me and told me to try a 2x. It fit wonderfully! I was in shock. I'm also in a seize 24 pretty regularly -- down from a tight 30 jean on day of surgery. It took what seemed like forever to drop sizes and now I seem to have skipped 26 altogether. Have been shopping up a storm this week since I sold some of my old clothes on e-bay and made a ton of money ... and more will be going up. Luckily I've been shopping clearance racks and clearance section of consigment stores and gotten some good deals. For instance, yesterday everything I picked up at Turn-style was marked down. I got 5 bottoms (1 capri, 2 dress pants, 1 pair of shorts, and 1 skirt) for ........... $15!! Got 5 shirts at Target for all of $25 too. Wow. I am seriously thinking of joining the Y -- especially if I can go swimming. Now I just have to get my butt there so I can sign up. I'm looking forward to summer this year (have not really in summers past)! I've set another "mini" goal for myself -- 255 by the end of summer. That sets me 32 pounds away right now. So far I've lost 80 pounds so that would be 112 pounds total. I can do it! 
******7/6/06******
What is it about anniversary time? Its the only time I update! Feeling a little down about my (only) 17 pound lost from last month to this month since I am down 97 pounds as of this morning -- but when else would I lose 17 pounds? I'm starting back on the exercise thing and no - I've not joined a gym yet. Been struggling with emotions a lot lately. Have had cravings to smoke again and not given in and realized that I can no longer eat to deal with my feelings. So, its a struggle for me right now. I'll do o.k. - I have an amazing wife who lets me bitch, crab, and cry whenever and just holds me and tells me its o.k. I was seeing my accomplishments in the mirror before and now I'm not -- all I see is a big beachball attatched to a couple of legs. My hair started to fall out already so I chopped it all off. I was trying to grow it out, but it was pissing me off. So, here I am. I wouldn't trade this for the world -- I love the tool I have now, but there are struggles constantly and it almost feels like I am relearning how to be me some days. Make any sense? Maybe some "update" pictures tomorrow.
******7/20/06*******
Where oh where do I start? First of all if you read something on here please realize its PRIVATE and don't feel like you can share it where someone else can hear!
Emotions have been kinda crazy. Doc put me on low level Zoloft which I only filled today and have yet to take. I am supposed to be going down to 1/2 tab of BP meds too in order to see if we can wean me off them. I've forgotten to take them almost all week now too. Woops. Thyroid is up and down and I have to go on a higher dose only a month or so after I refilled my other prescription. There goes another $24. Oh well. I'm just glad I'm healthy!
I'm down 105 as of the last time I weighed which I think was Monday. I've put the scale away and my challenge now is to see how long I can keep that scale hidden. I'm trying to go more by how I feel and what my clothes feel like. I know a lot of people feel the scale equals accountability, but I think it can be an evil curse. I'll feel great, step on the scale to see I've lost nothing. I've come a long way in 4 months and yet have a long way to go.
Went to a concert this week at a venue in which I was previously quite uncomfortable in the seats. Must say that I fit in the seats this time, was COMFORTABLE and had the time of my life. My honey's arms fit all the way around me now with room for more! WOW! I also bought a concert T-shirt and it fits. For the last 9 years or so I could not do that. Big YEAY! I also noticed a LOT of very overweight women and how uncomfortable they were in their seats - afraid to spill over on the person next to them and feeling very scrunched. I felt sorry for them. This tool is not for everyone, but I wish some who were unhealthy and uncomfortable in their bodies would consider it. One thing I've realized is that it comes to everyone in their own time.
I'm securely in a 22 now - my 24's are all getting far too big. Cleaned out closets big time for a garage sale and e-bay last weekend. Wow. I guess I never realized I would have to buy an entirely new fall/winter wardrobe. Yowzas. I think I need an extra job! I've not worn a 22 (or a 2x T-shirt) in at least 8 or 9 years so this is nice.
I must say that I am surprised (at least on livejournal) how many YOUNG people get the surgery -- like from 19-25. HUH? That seems a little early to me. I was reading about one girl who had it when she was 20 and has gained a LOT of it back again. I don't know if there was a malfunction with it or a malfunction with her and her eating. Hmmm...
Last weekend I had a good time with some WLS friends from MN that also happen to be gay. They look amazing after less than a year and have been SO helpful with me and my journey. Its so funny how I've made good friends through having surgery. Here we are! Me, Chad, and Melissa
And a GREAT picture of myself and my honey. It's rare we get our pic together and I have a GREAT new digital camera which was my 100 pound loss present from her. Yeay! She's been my biggest support!
*************** 8/14/2006 ******************
Where to start now?
Well, first of all I've been battling making sure I don't get into a "funk" for the last 2 weeks. I got my period after 1.5-2 months of not getting it. And, subsequently afterwards (not before surprisingly enough), I encountered a stall. I think the same thing happened last time I got the dreaded period. These "stalls" are so frustrating!! I have not lost weight in 2 weeks. I'm ready to throw the scale out the window. I keep trying to remind myself of a few things
1) My body is changing and catching up during these stalls. I'm still losing inches and shape. Pants are fitting better that I bought tight before.
2) I'm not exercising much. I AM moving a LOT more - being more active, and sweating from that but I am not going for walks, going to the gym, etc. Do I deserve to lose weight?
3) Be patient. This is a journey - not a marathon.
4) Continue to eat well and monitor what you eat. Take your vitamins, drink your water, eat your protein. You do a good job of not snacking, eating within your limits, and getting your protein in. Keep it up.
Tomorrow is payday and I've decided I'll allow myself one more weigh tomorrow. Then, the scale goes into hiding for 15 days until the next payday. Hopefully by then I'll see some sort of loss. And, in the meantime I'm gonna kick my butt into gear to get exercising in some fashion. I've got a long ways to go yet!
Had a garage sale this weekend. I didn't get rid of near as many clothes as I'd hoped, but I think we're going to have another one in the spring. By then I should have some more clothes as well. In the meantime I think I'll stop by the next Swapkins with a couple of boxes and see what I can unload there and even pick up. Whatever doesn't go after that can go to goodwill. I did meet some great pre-ops from my postings online. So, that rocked. It was a LOT of work, but it paid off in the end as after our furniture sold, etc we made some nice money.
I seem to have been dropping sizes without anyone asking me if that's o.k. lately. I've stopped buying -- even from thrift stores -- as I skip sizes more quickly than I can wear the stuff I buy. I'm trying to hold off until fall if I can. My size 24 shorts that were tight at the beginning of the summer are literally falling off me. I had bought a pair of size 22 jeans at Old Navy, whom I think makes everything small, that I could not even button a month or so ago. Well, I "discovered" these while cleaning. Knowing I've not lost weight recently I did not even want to try them on and be disappointed. Well, I put them on and low and behold -- they're BIG! I do have some size 20's as well and have been holding off wearing those to work as I felt like I was going to burst them open and send the button flying across the room when I sat down, but maybe those are o.k. now too. I am just amazed. 5 months after this surgery I am down from a TIGHT size 30 jeans into a 20. Wow. I saw a picture taken of me a month or so before my surgery. I remember thinking I looked good on this day. Wow, was my perception foggy. My stomach looks HUGE, I look very uncomfortable and everything I owned was tight (and very large). I truly have been given a gift.
Eating is still going great. I'm right on track with the amount I can eat. I very rarely snack since I don't get hungry very often. I very, very rarely eat any kind of sweets or dessert either. Partly, anything sweet kind of makes me sick and I don't want to go there and partly I'm not hungry after dinner. I have discovered I like the 100 calorie packs of choco cookies with some natural p-butter for a snack or breakfast. Still concentrating on protein and learning what I can eat well and what I can't. Tried turkey meatballs last night with the tiniest bit of spaghetti. Loved the meatballs, but one of my favorite things (pasta) I could have done without. It made me feel like I couldn't chew it well enough.
Even though I HATE my 5 month pictures (my face looks funny -- maybe my makeup??) I'll post them here. I don't see much of a change, but that's me. 
5 month side
5 month front
5 month face (I hate this one!!)
*******8/21/2006 **************
It was a good weekend, but I've already had a rough start to my week. Work was a living hell today. To top it off I am a true WLS person now -- I just got my period for the second time this month. Arrrgghh!! It hid itself for like 2 months almost and now its giving me a double whammy! Plus, I had a headache from hell all day as well. That's pretty par for the course when I get my period though. I guess I should call myself lucky -- I don't get cramps like some people.
I'm feeling horrible pangs of jealousy when I read the boards somedays. I hate that feeling. I don't think I have lost ANYTHING at all for weeks. I don't know what is wrong. I hid the scale a week ago so I don't know for sure, but I don't feel like I've lost anything and when I tried on pants they were just as tight as they were a few weeks ago. I know I must be doing SOMETHING wrong ... I just don't know what. I guess if I measured and tracked my food on fitday that might be a start for me. I've been horribly lax about that. I cut my own cheese for lunch and when I stuck to the pre-cut chunks I knew how much I was eating. Maybe I should eat more lean lunch meat instead?
I know 1/2 my battle is exercise. I think it has a LOT to do with my schedule at work. I leave the house by 6:45 in the morning and don't get home until 6:45 at night. I'm beat by the time I come home. I eat dinner, watch some TV, play with the dogs, then make my lunch and get my clothes ready for the next day. No where in there do I even think about exercising. I NEED to do something. I really do NOT want to change my schedule to working 5 days a week because I love having a day off every week, so I guess I'm going to have to force myself to work out or something. I gotta jumpstart this body! I think if I can make myself take a brisk walk at least 3 times a week on lunch that's a start .... now I just have to make myself do it!
I really get jealous when I read about people who I don't always feel really KNOW what its like to be fat have the surgery. I know I shouldn't feel this way, but when I read about someone being in a size 12 or too small for Lane Bryant clothes only 2 months or 3 months outside of surgery I get so upset. I think -- WTF? Obviously the people that be thought they really needed the surgery, but it makes me so damn jealous. Then, I compare myself and feel like a loser. I'm almost 6 months out and only in a 20, sometimes a 22. I feel like I have not lost ANY weight in a month. Am I destined to be stuck at 256 forever? It sure does feel this way.
Plus, I have had ENORMOUS cravings for cigarettes lately. Horrible, horrible ones. I have not given in. I've completely resisted since as of next week it will be a whole year since I quit, but I feel like such a failure for wanting them.
And, to make matters worse I had the worst sweet tooth last night. I still have not learned how to handle that. I made brownies -- for Nick, of course. We threw out almost a whole pan. They were lower in sugar than most (14 grams per serving) and i made sure to only eat a serving of one .... but I did NOT need that brownie and guess what? It made me feel ill and I had to lay down. You'd think I would have learned by now.
So, I think I am going to try to go to group this week. Maybe I'll find a pick-me-up that I so need. Maybe I will just become more jealous and walk out frustrated. Maybe...maybe...
***** 8/31/2006******
Weigh in day today!
I'm glad to say I dropped 9 pounds! At first I looked at the scale and had thought the scale said less last time I weighed (it didn't) so I was on the verge of tears telling myself -- it'll be better in 2 weeks. Then, I looked on fitday.com and voila! 9 pounds came off! Putting the scale away was probably the best decision I could have made. I even feel like it has made me come out of my shell a little. I have gone to group the past 2 weeks in a row and loved it. I'd comment more on that, but I really don't feel like typing on the computer this mornin. Wonder what my current BMI means? Guess I should go look it up!
*******9/9/2006*******
So.... 6 months was this last week. I can't say how much I am down, per se, because I don't weigh until next Friday - but I don't really care. I know I am doing well and clothes are fitting great - plus I'm getting great compliments and fee lovely. I did make it to my 6 mo appointment and it was o.k. -- 6 vials of blood later I think! Their scale with me fully clothes and shoes on (o.k., they were crocs, but still!) said I was down 120. My BP was 121/58 without meds and I'd lost considerable inches around my waist.
Best of all? I feel GREAT!
If you work with me and read this don't share what I will be sharing shortly .... I got promoted to a medical underwriter!! I am so excited!! Everyone I know who has gone to this department has absolutely fallen in love with the job and I will too -- I'm sure. :) It's a bit of a pay raise, the hours aren't always the best (11-7:30 after training), and the bonus is 2 times what I can get now. But, its a step in the right direction. I was literally stuck in my other position. The crappy thing? No more group for me on Wed eves once training is over! :((
Last night we celebrated by walking around Mall of America for a while and having dinner at Famous Daves. I ate only protein (brisket, chicken, and beans) and it was so yummy. Those corn muffins used to be my downfall, but I tried a bit of one last night and it turned to mush in my mouth. Yuck! We did shop a little - got a great hoodie top at Lane Bryant in an 18/20 and a shirt from Deb in a 1x. I found so many pairs of pants I loved, but couldn't bring myself to buy any because I just don't wear pants for long enough for it to pay for me to pay full price. I guess I'll wait for Old Navy or Target. I'm getting frustrated with thrift store pants (at least jeans) because they never look like what I want them to when I get home. I am still just floored I can go in a store and almost always try on a size 18 or 20 and have them fit!! It's been since high school I've worn those sizes (12 years ago!).
I got the BEST compliment from someone at work yesterday. She is a director of our health review system. I don't see her often and happened to run into her in the bathroom. She almost didn't recognize me and especially with my contacts instead of glasses. So, we were talking and she told me she prefers me in contacts over glasses and then told me I was strikingly beautiful!! I almost fell over. Of course I did not know how to take the compliment, but I said thanks and blushed walking away. It really made my day.
It's early on a Saturday morning (dang dogs!) and I hear the coffee brewing. I'll close this entry with my newest pics. I actually LOVE these pics (day of my interview for the other position).
************9/15/06***************
PAYDAY = WEIGH DAY
240
Down 7 or 7.5 pounds in 2 weeks. I really like not having the scale out every day because it makes me actually see a difference when the weight does come off. Somehow, when I see it everyday it doesn't register in my head.
I'm happy with my progress so far. I don't have any clue of when I can expect to hit "onederland" and I'm not going to put any expectations on myself. I'd (ideally) like to do it by Christmas, but my body is going to lose weight however is comfortable for it to do. I have to learn to be comfortable with that.
***************12/4/2006*********
Wow, almost 9 months out now. Hard to believe. Life has become I guess "normal" for me. Some days, other than not recognizing myself in the mirror and eating way less, I forget I even had the surgery. Well, not forget necessarily, but its no longer the first thing I think about when I wake up.
Weight loss has slowed way down just as I knew it would. I do see several still losing at more than a year out so I know help is out there. Plus, I'll see 6 pounds come off in a matter of days when I have not seen anything come off for a couple of weeks.
Our motherboard on our computer went beserk this weekend....with it? All my saved pictures too. I'm hoping someone can do a recovery from the hard drive and get them back. I'd really like to have them. I do save some of them on photobucket, but the most recent ones never got on there.
I've been in training for 2+ months for my new job and today? Well, today is my first day on the "floor." I am so excited and nervous! So far I love this job and its a good fit for me. I have to use my brain ALL THE TIME. I'm liking the majority of people I have to work with as well. It's going to take some getting used to working these hours --11-7:30. I was up at 6:40 this morning. I'm getting too old to sleep in!
We had a nice Thanksgiving with just my mom and Nick and I. I tried a bit of everything, but made sure the turkey was my number one victim. I felt like I was able to go and go and go this year instead of being too tired and completely achy. I loved it. My mom said that she would never recognize me from the back if she did not know what I was wearing!! That was a huge compliment!
In a size 14 now and can't really wrap my head around it. When I go shopping I hold up a 14, even a 16 and think -- nah, that's way too small for me. Imagine my surprise when it fits! The 16's I bought just a month or so ago are getting baggy on me and I guess I thought I'd be in the size a bit longer so I bought more of them. Guess e-bay is gonna like me again!
Wishing I'd be to 199 (and thus surpassing the surgeon's goal of 200 for me) by New Year's, but with 28 days to go and 14 pounds (I'm at 213) I don't think its gonna happen. God willing, it will one of these days.
One of these days I'll get some pictures up too!
********** 12/30/06**********************
O.k. so I have actually converted my profile and am posting! Woot woot!
As I talked about earlier this month my weight loss has slowed down considerably. But, looking back on what I weighed in 21 days ago I guess I am not too disappointed. Its hard to see change when I weigh in daily but knowing I was 7 pounds heavier 3 weeks ago makes me happy to know I am still losing.
Yup, the scale read 205.5 yesterday. I called Nick to make sure it wasn't broke! I won't make the 199 mark by New Year's, but I am sure I will soon enough. When I do I will be jumping up and down for joy!
Had an amazing moment in the past few weeks. I take the stairs every single time every day. Well, I was afraid I was going to be late on break after smoking (I know - I'm horrible!) so I literally RAN up the 2 flights of stairs in boots with heels none the less! I can't remember the last time I ran stairs!
Realized last night I am going to be as light as I was when I was a freshman or sophomore in high school soon. I'm probably wearing about the same size right now too. For the first time in years you can see my rib cage AND my collarbone! WOWEE! I did not know they even existed.
Computer did not need to be "rescued" afterall. Just needed a new memory chip thingy so I did not lose all my pics. Whew! I'll post a few now.
Nick and I around Thanksgiving
Mom and me around Thanksgiving -- I'm almost as small as her!!
Me - turkey time again
Me again!
Hamming it up for the camera - 12/27/06
*********************1/29/2007******************
Well, I made it. Stepped on the scale this morning and it said 199.5!! I was seriously beginning to doubt I would lose anymore weight and doubting this day would ever come. I am over the moon about it! Really amazing to me. I was looking at some old pictures last week and I don't even recognize the woman I was a year ago. I just look so sad and miserable, even when smiling.
I guess it happened because I took back my weight loss and started working at it. I'm working out - tho not as often as I would like since I tend to be so tired when I get home at 8 p.m. I started really watching my protein intake, taking my vitamins and drinking more water. I really feel like I got kind of lax with the holidays. And, it worked!
My "ultimate" goal would be at 160. I would love that. I know, God and my body willing, I can do it - even if it takes another year. The surgeon's goal was 200 so I surpassed that. :)
I guess I am just amazed. A scale, with me on it, that says 199.5 has not been a part of my life for 1/2 my life and I'm not quite sure what to say except that I am ecstatic!
Photos
 330 |  |  330 Making the best of a full body shot |
