tjcofield

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well, i am now down to 183lbs and I have mixed emotions my skin hangs to I hate to show my body but  I love my new wieght  and size 14  clothes still fit weird and I hate to shop because i do not know what to wear anymore I am so use to covering up. I have taken pic of myself and compare them to old ones and now i see me !! I dont know how to handle my old friend who are still heavy  what do i talk about i feel wierd talking about weight stuff with them and shopping. They love me and  I love them but i feel  weird about it . I know its just me . Is there any one out there who has the same feelings as me!!!  I read erevryone ones blogs and its like everthing is like roses but is it really. Dont get me wrong I love that I had my surgery  and DR Clapp did a great job. I just need to get use to being this way i have always been the big girl  of the family and friends .

On Aug. 16th after a good work out  i killed over in pain, I was rushed the ER and called my Dr. My Galbalder was bad  and i had to have it removed while he  in side he noticed a really bad  internal herneia i think that is how  you spell a really bad one i spent the week in the hospital drop down to  183lbs from 211 in a week wow it felt like shit really right now i i am 190lb below 200 yes if i can keep off today was my first day at the gym i lasted only 35 mins i am so drained but i crave sweets like there is no end to it i can eat and still want it . I will get pass this i am below 200LBs yes and my goal was 200 i now wear a size 14 and i tried on a pair of Apple bottoms and the size was 13/14 i was soooooooooo happy i was even hit on my some very  young guys it made me smile .

I made it 207 and seven lbs to go i am up and down I was up to 214lbs then to 210 and the 202 and now 207 and today 204. I think body is done . Really need to work on loving it where i am a size 14/16 with a booty LOL no boobs  the Doc did tell me i would loose them lol. I want everyone to know i am happy  that i did this i walk and i go to the gym and i CAN MOVE NOW !! i can enjoy a chair with out a worry will it break . I went on a air plane, I went to a water park this past  weekend and rode all the rides 3x but the best thing was i could climb the stairs to get to the top and i was not tried.  my son wanted me to ride with him on every thing it felt great to do so today i should be at the gym but i did yard work and now i about lay next to the hubby and tell him thank u for being there for me. Its hard to express myself but i think that is one of may reasons why i was fat  and each day as gets harder but i am up for the fight . I will say this sight has helped me you all have helped me I am Not Alone In this Fight!!!

On july 28th 2009 it will be one yr  post op it is both scary and a happy moment for me. I went to the doctor to get my b-12 shot  on thursday (which i am now going to do the nasel spray  they just came out with)  and i weighted myself i am  at 202lb and a bmi of 29.8  hey from where i was from  to now wow i am happy but also worried i see others who have lost more weight than me by now. im i messing myself up i wonder  latley i have been thinkin about food 24/7 and i have been grazing like crazy and i have been eating sweet stuff toooo   oh boy trouble. i dont want to be fat i am still heavy but fat i do not want to be but yet i am destroying everything by eating and the more i say i cannot i do  it and i even find ways toget out of gym time. I have been FAT all my life and it is what i know. the stress of the new body is whereing me out. no one tells u  this . i see and read all the time the new skinny peolpe buying clothes having fun shoping and all the cool stuff that goes along with it. IDK it has been a little over whelming to me finding what works for me how to dress what fits what covers  the hanging skin and i still go to the big size and stand for a while in the ile wondering what do i wear . the size i have now i cannot find hardy is that a good thing , i am average size now or that size  skipped lol.

well i went on my vacation with the hubby to celebrate our 6th anniversary . WE were married the 4th of July. wow i want to try on my wedding dress and see what it looks like but i am scared to do it ! . It was fun i walked in heels and did not worry about fitting in ( just a little until i took this pic with two girls form a night club who where advertising the club they where hot and i did not look bad!  while i was in Vegas i really looked at myself in mirrors and i let my hubby see me with out clothes during the day WOW with out covering up or running into the rest room to hide from him. the books iam reading " winning after loosing" is really helping. 
Tuesday i visited a friend who had the surgery Monday she looked great i was happy for her and want to help her  reach her goal one thing i have learned you needed support u need help and that it is OK to ask find and get it
TJ

Today is a good day !! It rained !! and i found a photo that i took last weekend I Look cute . I have been reading and the books are helping. I got up a went for a swim . I gave myself the excuse i was tired and I took over in my mind and heart i will get up and i did a slow mind change one day at a time. i was very upset at my hubby but maybe he is right i need to think different! but I need help and one day at a time.  I will learn how to dress better!!! I need help with that.  I really feel weird having people look at me and give comments need to work on that too!

I was done writing today  and when i was about to log off my hubby came in and ask me  " what are u doin?" I said nothin, he looked and said u must be doing some thing , i responded and told him i was on a obesity site he said why, your not , YOU NEED TO CHANGE YOUR attituded, ur pissing me off. " Wow   i am makin him mad , he is not the one who s BMI is still way high and body fat is 70% wow he doesnt have to carry this around i do not him.  He pissed me off. or is he right?

Support is  great we all need that i know I do. I went to the doctors office and asked for  help , Michelle the great Nurse who has been my back bone when i have been weak, gave me two books to read and to keep a food dairy . I wont lie i am scared that i will  gain bak all my weight and be bigger again . 11 months TODAY  i started at 344lb and 5ft 9 in tall and now 209lbs and as my son  says" MOM you lost and inch of height the fat from the bottom of your feet make you look shorter" ( I am still 5ft 9). I still see the huge Fat Girl looking back at me, MY friend and family call me skinny now ,Its hard to swallow because i still need  work to see what they see and they  dont understand that . This is the first time I tell anyone besides Michelle the wonderful nurse that.
They are right  old habits die hard I think about food all the time sometimes . I worry about the same issues that where there before  lost the weight and now my fat blanket is not there to protect me there is not a barrier to keep peolpe out  or the excuse to keep them out . Wow , where do i go from here how do i redefine my self as women as mother as a wife?

Its been a hard day , a hard week all i can think about is food.  Am I eating to much or not. Even why am Hungry has come to my mind. I crave sweets and i wonder if i am going to go back to 344lbs again is this really working i think.