Telaine
After my Pre Op
Mar 26, 2008
Well my pre op appointment was last Wednesday and as always, i didn't talk with the surgeon for long, though having done so much research there wasn't much to talk about. But i did get a rude shock, since my last appointment with him i have put on a substantial amount of weight.....going up to 341 lbs......taking my BMI to 51.......now in the super obese range.......not morbid.......im only 23 and already i feel hopeless and i cant see myself with the will power to get through this....i feel so out of control, but so unwilling to change, it terrifies me..... I really am an addict, this really is an addiction, and as much as i have known that, im only now starting to 'wake up' to that.
So i got all the shakes and soups for the liquid diet that starts on April the 1st......the surgery is booked for April the 29th....i just had a message on my phone though that the doctor wanted to bring that forward, as he wants to go away.....it is slightly frustrating because i have been booked in for 6 months....and with my private health it is impossible for me to do it earlier....i still have to make that phone call to let them know......im putting it off lol.
Life is hard at the moment, my mum is in the last stage of terminal cancer, and it has been a case of waiting for her to pass, it just seems so wrong to sit here and wait for that, it goes against everything we think is right as a human being... and it is hard knowing that no matter what i do i cant prepare for her passing time doesn't make it easier, im finding it harder.
Exercise is so much harder now, i have always been big, but due to not driving and living in tropical climates, i have always been fit.....well that has changed with the car......walking gives my really tight calves and insecurities make it harder to breath if in a public place.....im lucky Clint is so understanding and will be ok to drive an hour to a secluded beach just so i cant be seen struggling with the walk...I just feel so trapped in this body, but at the same time the thought of not eating those foods terrifies me.........if anyone reading this has or does feel like this, please let me know, i feel crazy!
Some times it is annoying because people keep saying i dont look that big, or i have a pretty face and there is no one that is ever honest......and as much as i appreciate being told these things, its not good in a way as it justifies my weight to me.....like 'well its ok because i dont look that big'.....it is not ok it is dangerous and uncomfortable.......and EXPENSIVE....clothes cost how much more in plus sizes, it is ridiculous......
Well i know this hasn't been a very positive blog....but it will get better.
So i got all the shakes and soups for the liquid diet that starts on April the 1st......the surgery is booked for April the 29th....i just had a message on my phone though that the doctor wanted to bring that forward, as he wants to go away.....it is slightly frustrating because i have been booked in for 6 months....and with my private health it is impossible for me to do it earlier....i still have to make that phone call to let them know......im putting it off lol.
Life is hard at the moment, my mum is in the last stage of terminal cancer, and it has been a case of waiting for her to pass, it just seems so wrong to sit here and wait for that, it goes against everything we think is right as a human being... and it is hard knowing that no matter what i do i cant prepare for her passing time doesn't make it easier, im finding it harder.
Exercise is so much harder now, i have always been big, but due to not driving and living in tropical climates, i have always been fit.....well that has changed with the car......walking gives my really tight calves and insecurities make it harder to breath if in a public place.....im lucky Clint is so understanding and will be ok to drive an hour to a secluded beach just so i cant be seen struggling with the walk...I just feel so trapped in this body, but at the same time the thought of not eating those foods terrifies me.........if anyone reading this has or does feel like this, please let me know, i feel crazy!
Some times it is annoying because people keep saying i dont look that big, or i have a pretty face and there is no one that is ever honest......and as much as i appreciate being told these things, its not good in a way as it justifies my weight to me.....like 'well its ok because i dont look that big'.....it is not ok it is dangerous and uncomfortable.......and EXPENSIVE....clothes cost how much more in plus sizes, it is ridiculous......
Well i know this hasn't been a very positive blog....but it will get better.
Pre Op Info
Feb 06, 2008
Well i am booked in for my pre op appointment on March 19th. I am nervous, because i feel i have put on weight, and am scared to be told that that makes me a bad candidate. Or waiting for some other reason to be told to me as to why i cant have it....i suppose until the surgery that fear will be there.
I have been so down lately, having no energy or motivation to get things done...i rely on Clint and Kaelem to distract me from my lethargic 'given up' attitude. I feel they deserve so much better than me...but i dont know how to be that person. I have no self worth, and just sometimes want to just sleep....and the more understanding Clint is the more guilty i feel. It is a bad cycle.
The thought of going back to work scares me to death. I wonder if other people have gone through this.
I have been so down lately, having no energy or motivation to get things done...i rely on Clint and Kaelem to distract me from my lethargic 'given up' attitude. I feel they deserve so much better than me...but i dont know how to be that person. I have no self worth, and just sometimes want to just sleep....and the more understanding Clint is the more guilty i feel. It is a bad cycle.
The thought of going back to work scares me to death. I wonder if other people have gone through this.
