tangoandhobbes

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As of yesterday evening…

Yay!

Janine asked for a picture…so here it is…unedited, unabashed, untouched, unbleached, un-airbrushed…just me…sadly I am not even wearing make-up…but I figure this is as close to the naked truth as you can get on a mostly rated PG blog…

Stats: 5′3″ ish

Hair:  sort of  : )

Weight: 173 today, formerly 378

Size: 12 jeans, Large sweater

Now it’s time to leave the capsule if you dare

JustJil…roger wilco, over and out…

I weigh 172.  For some reason I blog the heck out of getting to a milestone and then once I actually reach it…I just sort of let it slide.  I don’t know if it is because of some type of disbelief that I actually made it or fear that it might only be temporary or maybe it’s just because I am lazy or that I don’t like to toot my own horn, or maybe it’s because I am a middle child and we hoist our own flags o’ weirdness high!  Whatever the reason or non-reason is…I weigh 172.  I have been below 175 for several weeks now.  I bounce around between 172 and 174.  I still struggle and most likely will always struggle with my protein intake.  My stomach holds between 1/2 and 2/3 cup of food at a time.  I can drink a full on coca cola classic without any repercussions, exercise is still a chore and my hair makes me sad but it seems that in dabs and smidgens it might be getting better.  My biggest, fattest, most important goal in this journey was to reach and ultimately maintain a weight below 175.  175 would roll back the years and I would be able to cheat time a little bit by achieving that.  I don’t know that I really believed I would reach 175; even as I edged closer and closer.  200, seemed possible, 190 seemed possible, 180 seemed possible…175 seemed flighty and unrealistic.

I am full on into this new life I charted for myself.  I have been in maintenance mode for some time now.  I have days where I struggle but not in the ways I imagine most people that have had this surgery struggle.  I am fortunate because of the size of my pouch and because I never had an eating addiction so I don’t crave things I can’t have or if I do it is rare.  I am good with having a taste of something without overindulging.   I have always loved cooking and thought perhaps I would lose that; not being able to partake of much of the meals myself but I enjoy cooking far more now than I ever did before.  Tomorrow I will be 17 months out from surgery.  I am a mere one month shy of being a year and a half out.  My life has changed so dramatically.  In ways both expected and unexpected.

There have been ups and downs.  Many not related at all to the surgery…just happenstance and timely coincidence.  When you have this surgery it’s not like time takes a break and waits for you to catch up…you are running from the beginning, trying to not let time get away from you.

My mom is crazy.  I don’t really recall if I have mentioned that before and I don’t mean the general crazy that many girls say when speaking of their mothers.  Mine is certifiable.  She was diagnosed with Paranoid schizophrenia when I was a freshman in high school.  It was actually a relief knowing that the problem was real and had a name.  Since then her life has been a series of medicines, psych wards, suicide attempts and illnesses.  I have been old for a long time.  I knew by the time that I was 7 that I was smarter and more mature than my mom.  Not, by the way, something that any 7 year old should be aware of but that has been my life.  I have spent my life, hating, loving, caring for, railing against, beating myself up over and ultimately trying to understand a woman and an illness that defy understanding.  AT 35 she can still push my buttons faster than you can imagine.  In May I became my mothers custodial guardian and her financial guardian.  I am moving her at the end of September to an apartment complex closer to Jason and me.  I am 35 and I have a 58 year old child.  Some days I feel very old.

Jason and I are good.  This has been a tough year for us financially.  Things at work have been good for me but He did not work for the first 4 months of the year.  We are working on saving up for our wedding sometime this spring and to make improvements on our house.  He is working like crazy now which is financially lucrative but hard on us as a couple.  I love him with a fierceness I did not know possible.  I cannot imagine any life without him and every time he returns to shore my life is complete again.  I am a cliche and I don’t care.  Some other broad can burn her bra…my favorite place is barefoot in our kitchen cooking and caring for the man that I love.  Gloria Steinem can kiss my ass.

We have a dog.  She is a beagle.  Her name is Daisy.  She was allegedly fixed and yet this week she went into heat…ewww, gross, yuck.  She makes me want to kill her or myself almost daily.  She is absolutely the most horrible dog ever and Jason adores her…sigh.   She will be torturing me until the day one of us dies.

I miss blogging.  I think about it all the time.  I am not going to make excuses anymore for why it takes me so long to actually blog because I just make myself feel bad.  If I blog, I blog.  I still read everyoneelses blogs every day and because I am a hypocrite, I miss you all when you don’t blog.  Pot calling the kettle black, isle 9.

I bought my first pair of pants from the GAP since like 1992.  They are white linen gaucho pants.  I love them.  Mostly because they are from the gap and I can still get them over my hips.

I am going today to meet a girl that I once knew a long time ago.  It has been almost 20 years since I last saw her.  I heard from my mom that she, Stephanie, has also had RNY.  I found her on Facebook and now we are going to meet up, hang out and chat.  She is either 5 or 6 years out.  It will be good to talk to someone that far along.  I have three other girls in my life directly that have had RNY but we are all about the same time out.  Laurie/Gastric Girl had hers first but even she will only be hitting the 2 year mark in October so again, it will be good to hear about her journey and where she is now on her course.

It is raining and that makes me happy.

I have to check out now.  Have to do end of the work day things so that I can jet out of here at 5:30. 

So as of today, 17 months out.  I weigh 172 from 378.  I wear a size large top, size 12 or 14 bottoms.  my foot size dropped down to a 7, 71/2 from an 8, 8 1/2.

Life is interesting at the moment.  Family drama is so, so ,so…dramatic…but I am good.  I am happy most days.  It seems like my hair is finally getting better.  I am obsessed with ritz peanut butter crackers and I have become a plant junkie.  I have 53 of them on my patio…it’s a sickness I tell you!

Anyway…I love you all…Peace outside…Justjil

I was reading Heathers blog http://whatshappeningwithheather.blogspot.com/ a day or so ago about how she hit a milestone and wanted to celebrate but would not allow herself to really own her success at that point.  Like it didn’t really count.  I have been thinking about this a lot the last couple of days; about why it is so hard for me/us to own our successes…to acknowledge it, to really celebrate it.  This leads me to one of my curious issues…

We all have our curious issues.  We C & P girls have our hang-ups and despite any sort of discernable logic we stick with them, these hang-ups of ours.  I have quite a number of them myself;  many of them center around progress and success and what defines them. 

I have a scale.  It was an expensive scale.  It is a large scale.  I bought this scale before I had surgery…it was expensive because most scales would not accept and compute the weight that I was at.  They stopped at a weight that was well short of where I fell…so I paid throught the nose for this scale that promised to not only tell me what I weighed but also guaranteed that weight within .04 lbs…so this scale has been with me for quite some time…now this scale has a quirk of it’s own…it weighs me between 2 and 3 lbs heavier than every other scale I step onto…whether it is the scale at the doctors office, the surgeons office, the scale at a friends, at the store…wherever.  Always 2 to 3 lbs heavier.  Now in most instances I am a fairly logical person and the odds are that if EVERY other scale I weigh on weighs me 2 to 3 lbs less…odds are I weigh 2 or 3 lbs less…I know this.  I know that my scale is wrong.  I know it.  I absolutely, without a doubt know that my scale is wrong…in my head.  The problem is:  this scale is the scale I live with.  This scale has charted and documented all of my weightloss ups and downs…my emotions, despite my brain telling it that it is not so, will not believe it if I don’t see it on this scale…my scale.  Which brings me to my dilemma…

I have achieved many successes since I began this WLS journey.  So many at this point I have really lost track of many of them along the way…for awhile now my goal has been to hit 178 lbs…this would be 200 pounds lost.  A huge number…HUGE!  Now I also know that it is just a number…200 lbs lost will neither look nor feel any different than 199 lbs lost or 198…in many ways it is just a number…but it is the number I feel I must hit to have really achieved success…there are other numbers along the way that I felt this way about…you hit that number, you are elated and you move on to your next success…I have not weighed on another scale for some time now…I have stuck, mostly due to circumstance to weighing on MY scale…but this weekend I was house-sitting for a friend…she is a super healthy, fitness minded individual.  She has a scale.  A good scale, an expensive scale.  I did not want to weigh myself on her scale but at the same time, I wanted to see the number…even if I didn’t fully believe it, I wanted to see it.  I wanted to see 178.  I wanted it so badly that I stepped on this scale that would ultimately tell me a truth that I would not be able to believe…and do you know what it said…it said 177.2, I stepped on it about 17 times and each time it said 177.2…as if I could believe a number like that.  As if I could have actually lost 201 lbs.  That isn’t possible…losing that much weight just isn’t possible.  198 pounds I can believe…that sounds reasonable but 201 sounds rediculous, flighty and downright impossible…and yet a part of my brain know it’s true…sigh…but I can’t believe it until my scale says it…you know the one…the one that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt is wrong…I want to celebrate it…I want to tell people, guess what?  I lost 200 friggin’ lbs…I did it…I lost it!  But I can’t…it isn’t really yet.  I went home Sunday night and I weighed myself…180.2 which is in itself a success…it took like two months to lose two lbs and reach 180.2 and my scale for a week has consistently told me that I weigh some variation of 180 lbs…I was thrilled last Tuesday when it said I weighed 180 lbs, thrilled…and yet now, a mere week later, it feels hollow.  180 now seems pointless because I have seen 177 but I can’t believe in 177 because it was on the wrong scale…why?  Why do we torture ourselves this way?  Why can we not allow ourselves our hard earned victories?  Why can we celebrate others successes but not our own?  Are we not good enough?  Are we so tied into the diet game that we have all been playing for the last 20 or 30 years that we cannot accept that we have actually done it?  That we are worth the hard work and effort that we put into making this tool work for us, that we are worthy of success….that we should not only be okay with our success but that we should own it, celebrate it?

We are GOOD enough!  We are WORTH it!  We Worked hard for this…

I can say it…now if I could just make myself believe it then we would have a real story here…

Damn scale…

sigh…JustJil…sort of kind of 177.2 lb girl…

I am still taking the high road…kinda…sorta…almost completely…at least 87%…okay it’s really 51% so sue me.  Yeesh.  The high road, in case you were wondering still sucks…but onto more pleasant topicry…is that a word?  Like all things encompassed within a topic…topicry…hmm…unlikely but I am running with it anyway…just like I run with scissors…we all have to get our kicks somehow…I like sharp objects..and fire but that is a blog for another day, another blog and possibly another person all together.

I am super close to reaching my next goal which is 178 lbs…that would be 200 lbs lost all total…I have been bouncing around 181.6 and 182.4 for about a month…tragic nes pas?  Anyway…I write today because I am sure tomorrow my weight will be back up around 181.6 to 182.4…it’s just what I do…but for one day only (that’s today) the scale, whom we will call Bertha because she is big and unpleasant, and the name least likely to offend anyone..said this morning that I weighed 180…just 180…no 180.7 or 180.2 just plain old delicious 180…so for a limited time only I am two lbs away from my goal.  Wahoo…that will be ten quid pro quo’s, 7 hail Mary’s and a rousing rendition of the ‘Hallelujah Chorus’…in latin no less…

Peace to you all…

Roger wilco…over and out…JustJil

This is cryptic and I am sorry…but for now I will live in my freakish misery in relative silence saying only this…

Sometimes I wish I was a kid and I could just stamp my foot, yell “life is unfair” and then slam some cabinet doors or throw a hairbrush.

Taking the high road is hard…and it sucks.

 ***Stamps foot, says life is unfair and throws a paper-clip…sticks tongue out for good measure…***

Love…JustJil

I am sorry Kimmie…I am in all ways a loser!  I promised…neigh, I swore that I would write a post by this past Sunday at the very latest and I failed…I failed with flying colors.

Life has been…interesting lately…interesting and extremely busy.  I am good, struggling to get in my protein and fluids…such a very odd problem to have, not being able to eat enough in a day…my weightloss has stalled because I don’t eat or drink enough so my body holds tight to what I give it.  My stomach still has not stretched really…I am over a year out and I can still only eat about 1/2 a cup at a sitting.  If it is a slider food I can get in about 3/4 cup…I know this sounds like a blessing and on some days it is but I struggle every day to eat enough and I fail almost every day…I am working on it.

The move is over and done with…I am now officially living in sin   Mother nature decided to help with the unpacking process by flooding the night after I moved in so that I lost about half of my stuff because it was in boxes on the garage floor.  Good bye books, journals, photo’s…stuff…it was difficult to let things go even though they were ruined…but such is life.  The water receded and we were able to salvage the carpet in our house…many in our neighborhood were not so fortunate…I am counting my blessings…a friend of ours had just bought a new car and had only made one car payment on it…his car was totalled out in the flood…parked where mine normally would have been.  I am counting my blessings…daily.  Life goes on.  It feels good to only be living in one place, no overnight bags…no rent + mortgage…just a mortgage now…Happier…still making it work, still fitting things in….still turning HIS house into OUR home…it’s a process…it takes its toll at times but we are finding our way…it feels good.  It is good, this joining of lives.  Sometime next spring there will be jitters, a white dress and “I do’s” but until thenI am just happy to love and be loved.

I took my measurements on March 16th 2008, 4 days before surgery.  I have not taken them since then until a few days ago (because I lost the paper that they were on…I found it during the move) and holy guacamole batman…what a difference a year makes.

Waist -  then: 60 inches     now: 36

hips – then: 62.5 inches    now: 43

around boobs -  then: 56.5 inches     now: 40

under boobs-  then: 51 inches     now: 34.5

neck -  then: 16.5 inches     now: 12.5

Right upper arm -  then: 20.5 inches     now: 13

Left upper arm -  then: 19.5 inches     now: 12.5

Right thigh -  then: 37.75 inches     now: 24.5

Left thigh -  then: 36.5 inches     now: 23.75

Right calve -  then: 22 inches     now: 16

Left calve -  then: 21.5 inches     now: 15.75

I am not including this in inches lost because it wouldn’t even register but on my ring finger I wore a size 9 ring and now it is a 6.

Just to add an exclamation point to that…that is a total of: 132.75 inches lost…and with that words fail me…

Liza…I am praying for you and your family.

Kimmie…you will post a picture of the cute, new, sassy do…yes?

Laurie-Lou…Can’t wait to see you this weekend, how is that we live so close and see each other so rarely these days…we are sad little cheese graters…sigh

Mini Meg…congrats on the new rack : ) and the lack of complications…

Heather…I hope the move is a smooth transition for you…

Janine…praying for you and Si…new jobs that are a good fit and bring you joy!

Kim…prayers to you and John on your journeys to health and family.

Jason…just because I know you read this…I love you and the wait to finally find you was worth it!

For all of you considering WLS…if you have a great deal of faith, strength and perseverance the payoff is beyond your wildest dreams…

With Love and gratitude to all of you who help me daily through this journey of weightloss, redemption and life in general…you all humble me…keep telling your stories…you count…you make a difference…and I am honored to have you all in my life.

JustJil

Oh…I forgot to mention…any of you that read Gastric Girl already know this…but last Friday, March 20th was my one year surgery anniversary (and thanks you Laurie for picking up the slack for me)…I should have blogged at least about that but I didn’t and I am not gonna dwell on that…

Instead I will say that one year after my suregry I am 194 lbs less and 1 million % more healthy…and 2 million % happier!

Thanks so much to all of you throughout this first year…your thoughts, experiences and guidance have meant more to me than you will ever know…

With all of the love in my heart…Jil

I have a lot going on right now.

I have had plenty of time to talk/blog about myriad things.

There is no shortage of blog topic available to me at pretty much all times.

I have wanted to blog.

I have had the desire to blog.

I have read many blogs.

I have commented on many blogs.

I have NOT blogged.

Sighhhhhh………….

I wish there was a valid excuse but there isn’t…so today, with no aim and no direction I will blog.  It may be absolute bunk when I finish but I will blog…heck I am blogging right now…true, I haven’t typed anything of value to anyone anywhere but still I am blogging and that alone makes me feel like I have achieved some weird level of bloggone success…

I am moving right now…the process is ongoing.  My lease is not actually up until April 30th which kind of sucks because I am a procrastinator…there is no reason whatsoever that I can’t pack everything up this weekend and be done with it…no reason at all…it’s not like I have to wait until the 30th to do it…and yet, I won’t do it.  Why you ask?  Why?  Well because it is just not my way, I wish it was my way, I would kill for it to be my way, I have tried to make it my way but at the end of the day…it is not my way.  I am a procrastinator…it’s just who I am….sigh…partially because I hate moving, well a lot actually because I hate moving…I am 35, I have moved 23 times…this is my 24th…I hate moving…I also hate painting but I love painted walls but I digress…that is a blog for another day…I have actually considered removing a few key things and just setting my townhouse on fire…I have renters insurance it would be covered…I won’t do it…but it doesn’t mean I don’t think about it and smile a wicked smile…so this is all to say I am moving…and I am happy about moving but I hate moving…see my quandry?

On a new topic…my weight has stalled…I have been having some issues with my girlie bits and that has bled over into my weightloss arena…which has been entirely unfortunate…it is getting worked out but it has taken some time and I have gotten slightly anemic in the process…ugh…so I haven’t been feeling top-notch for awhile…look at all this blatant negativity…aren’t you glad I am blogging about it…to share all the bad vibes with you all…I feel so much better thanks…so I am hovering around 184 give or take a pound or two either way depending on the day, moment, hour, what’s on TV, what I am wearing, if I have said any curse words recently or if there is indeed Peanut butter in my pantry or not…that’s just how it is…my life…so many variables…lol

Do not get me wrong, I am happy with 184 for now….ecstatic with 184 for now, thrilled with it….it has just been hard not dropping any and knowing that I have had no control over it…knowing that it didn’t matter if I upped my water, or exercise or…well…anything really…but life goes on and when the bits are back in proper working order the progress will continue and until then I will survive, I will survive, I will survive…hey, hey….

On the plus side…or minus depending on how you look at it, I am now the proud owner of two size 12 pair of jeans…and wait for it….wait for it…I can actually wear both of them…wahoooooooooo….okay so they run a little large for their size but I don’t care!  Go ahead and ask me…”what” you say, Jil, do you care?  heck no – they are a size 12 and I can wear them…no, I don’t care!  See, told you…Hmmm…I think I may be coming across as more of a smart ass than I usually am, I think I detect some attitude on my part…and I will probably care about that tomorrow or maybe Monday but for today…i am totally good with it…

Spring has sprung here in Texas (sorry Kimmy in Mary…land) the azaleas are out of control and all is vibrant and bountiful….sigh…where are you October…I need you so…We went camping a few weeks ago and I will post a couple of pic’s for you…the picture of Jason and I for everyone and the picture of the blossoms for Kimmykins…

That is pretty much it for now…I am good…Jason is good…we are good…my family is good…I am happy and now I have blogged so pretty much my life is complete for now…

Happiness and joy to you all out there in the world…

xoxox…Jil

So this is probably some sort of record for me as far as the timeliness of posts…a lot of important things have happend in a short period of time and they were blogworthy so blog I must…

Todays blog subject matter is that I have hit 189.  189 is exactly half my weight lost…My heighest weight was 378.  I actually hit 189 several days ago but I wanted to wait until the scale said 189 consistently.  So here I am 189, half the girl I used to be.  A number of my recent blogs have also come with pictures, their will be pictures today as well and then that will probably be it for awhile on the pics…One of the pictures today is one you just saw last week, the other is one that was taken on a camping trip the week before I had surgery…it will probably help you understand more fully the shock I had last week when seeing the full body shots of myself…

March 2008 and then last week…

Do ya see why I was so freaked out?  I mean holy cow…

so my next goal is 175…that is what I weighed when I had my car accident …we will see how long it takes…lol

Meanwhile peace to you all…xoxo…Jil