parrish

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7.29.2008
weight:154 BMI:26.4
3 years out 8.2.2008

Life has come full circle for me. From lost and listless to full of life and full of peace.
I was married 2.12.07 to a man that was better than anything I could have dreamed.
I had a baby girl on 1.4.08, perfectly healthy and perfectly perfect.
Yes, I have a few more pounds to go before I reach my 'before baby weight' and I am fine with it. I gained 30 pounds when I was pregnant and that was hard to do. To tell myself that it was ok because I was taking care of 2 of us. Now I struggle daily with the struggle to get back down. It is not all that I have in my life now, so it's not all I worry about. But then again, worrying doesn't get results. Action does.
I am very aware of my weight. But it's bittersweet because I know what I was before the surgery. What I was before I got pregnant. And I need to listen to those around me and give myself the time to lose the weight in a healthy way.
Easier said than done, it's a work in progress and I am doing my best!
I try at all times to stay true to my commitment to this surgery and the promise I made myself to make this work for the rest of my life. 3 years out I am pretty proud of the fact that I am where I was when I was pleased with myself during my initial weight loss period. Now it's just proving to myself that I can do it again and get back in to my little clothes just in time to get pregnant again!!!
Yeah, again...
Who'da thunkit.

I was in the kitchen washing the dinner dishes thinking about all the ways I lie to myself about exactly how big and unhealthy I am. About 6 years ago I lost 60 pounds in 3 months on the "getting a nasty divorce" diet. It was the first time in I couldn't even tell you how long that I could actually cross my legs. I got ridiculous amounts of attention and I felt great. Slowly but surely, the weight started to creep back on. No matter what I did to lose it, it would not go away. My knees started creaking again. My lower back would hurt me every now and then and I would blame it on an epidural I had. Now...? I can't stand at the sink without my back killing me. Maybe 2 mintues tops before I have to rock back and forth on each foot, Lean forward, lean back... Try in vain to pop it to relieve the pressure. I want to cry at times because it hurts so badly. My ankles hurt. Going up the stairs becomes more and more difficult every passing day. So why can't I stop eating things that I am not supposed to? Am I an emotional eater? No. Am I a binge eater? No. Why do I do it? Because I can. Because it is the one thing in my life that I know I can do it whenever I want. I lied to myself. I thought I wasn't addicted to anything. I am. I am addicted to food. I wasn't hungry this evening after dinner. I did the dishes and put laundry in the dryer. I wanted something sweet. Yank out the Baskin Robbins Tax Crunch ice cream from the freezer. I have some of that, and gingerly put it back in the freezer. Now, instead of being a good girl and immediately walking out of the kitchen, I stand there... What am I doing? I don't know but I think I will have a look in the fridge... For what? I don't know... So I close the fridge and open up the pantry. Nothing looks good in there. So I close the pantry and open the fridge up again. I am supposed to not eat this late at night... So what do I do? I make 2 windowpanes. (You know, piece of bread, hole in the middle. Fry an egg (in butter in the bread...windowpane). And I go into the living room and eat them while I am watching supernanny... I am thirsty now. mmmmm...a glass of tea. Hop into the kitchen really quick for tea. But now I have the nasty egg taste in my mouth. Need something to get that taste out of my mouth. oooo...a cookie. After a cookie and 2 glasses of tea I am now stuffed and miserable and can finally stop since I can not possible eat another bite. I am fighting to keep the food down that I ate. What is wrong with me? I know I need this surgery. I know the risks. I know that without this surgery I will eat myself to an early grave and before that who knows how big I will get. I can't keep doing this. I can't live like this. This is not a life. This is a soft option. This is a long sit at a train station waiting for something to happen. All that is happening at this point is I am getting fatter and I am defeating myself. We are our own worst enemies. We would never allow another human being to supress us or make us feel so miserable and worthless. We do it alone.