parrish
august 2, 2005... Dr. Stegemann and I right before surgery.
Dr. Stegemann and I, August 21, 2006... One year post op... Things change if you MAKE them!
1 April 2005
5'5"; 254 pounds, BMI 44.1...waiting for insurance to ok....
I have been thinking about this for years, and it seems the further I get into this, the more excited I get...And the more worried I get.
I am a 31 year old single mother and keep thinking that this will be the best thing for me. I have several reasons to do this and not too many reasons not to.
Why would I not want to?
Death is the first thing that springs to mind. Although I am reasonably healthy (no really massive co-morbidities...aside from my back and knees killing me and oh...I am carrying over 100 pounds more than I should) the realism that any surgery can cause death just keeps glaring me in the face.
But what do I gain?
I gain the ability to be more active. To be there for my son as he gets older. To lead by force of personal example. To take better care of myself. To finally be free of the stigmata that comes with being a big girl.
And being overweight hasn't bothered me so much until recently. When I started getting bigger than I was when I was pregnant. When I was no longer the fastest walker in the group (which I have always been...Even at a slow pace I wear everyone out), when I could no longer go up a flight of stairs without being tired. When my knees started to hurt and my stomach became the same size as my back side. Now there's a problem. What's worse, my stomach is BIGGER than my backside.... Oh, bother.
So I am stuck here wondering if this is the right choice as I wait for the insurance to approve the surgery. I wonder if this is what I really need to stop me from journeying further still down this path of unhealthiness. I wonder if what I will become when this is all over will be worth the price I will have to pay every second of every day.
We shall wait and see.
4.16.05
I was in the kitchen washing the dinner dishes thinking about all the ways I lie to myself about exactly how big and unhealthy I am.
About 6 years ago I lost 60 pounds in 3 months on the "getting a nasty divorce" diet. It was the first time in I couldn't even tell you how long that I could actually cross my legs. I got ridiculous amounts of attention and I felt great.
Slowly but surely, the weight started to creep back on.
No matter what I did to lose it, it would not go away.
My knees started creaking again.
My lower back would hurt me every now and then and I would blame it on an epidural I had.
Now...? I can't stand at the sink without my back killing me. Maybe 2 mintues tops before I have to rock back and forth on each foot, Lean forward, lean back... Try in vain to pop it to relieve the pressure.
I want to cry at times because it hurts so badly.
My ankles hurt. Going up the stairs becomes more and more difficult every passing day.
So why can't I stop eating things that I am not supposed to?
Am I an emotional eater?
No.
Am I a binge eater?
No.
Why do I do it?
Because I can.
Because it is the one thing in my life that I know I can do it whenever I want.
I lied to myself.
I thought I wasn't addicted to anything.
I am.
I am addicted to food.
I wasn't hungry this evening after dinner. I did the dishes and put laundry in the dryer.
I wanted something sweet.
Yank out the Baskin Robbins Tax Crunch ice cream from the freezer.
I have some of that, and gingerly put it back in the freezer.
Now, instead of being a good girl and immediately walking out of the kitchen, I stand there...
What am I doing?
I don't know but I think I will have a look in the fridge...
For what?
I don't know...
So I close the fridge and open up the pantry.
Nothing looks good in there. So I close the pantry and open the fridge up again.
I am supposed to not eat this late at night...
So what do I do?
I make 2 windowpanes.
(You know, piece of bread, hole in the middle. Fry an egg (in butter in the bread...windowpane).
And I go into the living room and eat them while I am watching supernanny...
I am thirsty now.
mmmmm...a glass of tea.
Hop into the kitchen really quick for tea. But now I have the nasty egg taste in my mouth.
Need something to get that taste out of my mouth.
oooo...a cookie.
After a cookie and 2 glasses of tea I am now stuffed and miserable and can finally stop since I can not possible eat another bite. I am fighting to keep the food down that I ate.
What is wrong with me?
I know I need this surgery.
I know the risks.
I know that without this surgery I will eat myself to an early grave and before that who knows how big I will get.
I can't keep doing this.
I can't live like this.
This is not a life. This is a soft option. This is a long sit at a train station waiting for something to happen. All that is happening at this point is I am getting fatter and I am defeating myself.
We are our own worst enemies. We would never allow another human being to supress us or make us feel so miserable and worthless. We do it alone.
4.26.05
Tick tick tick...
Still in the holding pattern waiting for the time to pass before I have all the stuff needed for my insurance. I can't ask for the doctor's office to submit because I know that Aetna will say that the minimum doctor supervised weight loss program has not been satisfied. So we will have to wait 2 more months to submit, but even then we may have to wait as long as three additional months...
tick tick tick.
I HATE waiting.
But I just keep trying to keep a positive outlook on everything. I am reading up on the malabsorption aspect of it. I ordered some protein shake samples and hope that there are some out there that aren't too terribly nasty. I also know that along with the prenatal vitamins my dr is recommending, I am going to do calcium, b-12 subling, iron, and a couple more.
I am not doing this just to lose the weight. I want to do this to be HEALTHY. Being healthy means I have to take supplements for the rest of my life.
Ok.
I got it.
Tick Tick Tick
I guess I could say that I am lucky in some aspects. I did not know that my insurance covered this surgery until a couple months ago, and I jumped right on it to get everything done that I need to get done. Everyone that I have read about that has Aetna said it was a good insurance co to have, just as long as you get all your ducks in a row...
Here duckie duckie duckie...
damn ducks...
Guess I will just have to be patient. The ducks will come in their own time.
TICK TICK TICK
I also don't have that much to do. Whereas some may have to have sleep tests and cardio tests and alot of blood work for diabetes, I just need my pap and my PCP progress notes. That's it.
TICK TICK TICK
5.6.5
I had a follow up appt with my PCP a couple of days ago to go over my weight loss plan...I gained a pound in a month. Yippeee.
She also did a blood draw to check my cholesterol levels (slightly high at 205)and my triglycerides were at 200 and should be at 150. Everything else looked fine.
Except for that wanker pound that found me.
Just got off the phone with Priscilla with Dr. Stegemann's office. She was calling to make sure that I am still on track and going to my appointments as I should. She said that we can try to submit to insurance the end of next month to see if it will go through, but to make and keep a July appointment...Just in case.... I also faxed to her my medical power of attorney, medical directive, organ donor info, etc. Another check on my checklist!
Grrrr...
I hate waiting.
In the meantime, I have started on trying to find a good protein shake. I want to see if it helps with the hair loss and stuff. I read that if I start it before surgery, it will let my body know that it does not need to go into starvation mode which causes your body to try and store up what energy it has and your body stops all unneccesary functions...like hair growth. I have very little hair as it is. I dont want to lose more than I absolutely have to.
I have also started on multivitamins everyday and B-12 every now and then as an energy pick up...The stuff really works!
I really wish that the surgery would hurry up and get here. I want to get this over with and get on with living my life instead of just existing.
Things I would like to do, but can't:
1.Run a mile...or two.
2.Cross my legs when I sit.
3.Not have my legs rub together anymore when I walk.
4.Fit into regular sizes.
5.Fit into Junior sizes.
6.Fit into single digit sizes.
7.Bend over and touch my toes.
8.Sit down and hug my legs to my chest.
9.Be able to look in the mirror without being grossed out.
10.Get rid of all my clothes because they are too big.
11.Have someone say they hate me for being skinny.
12.Have good labs post-op.
13.See my collar bone.
14.Wear a bathing suit and not feel like Shamu.
15.Be able to tuck in my shirt and like the way it looks.
16.Be able to stand for long periods of time and not have my back hurt.
17.Be able to walk up the stairs without my knees hurting.
18.Run up four flights of stairs without wanting to die.
19.Look in the mirror and not recognize myself.
20.Shock the hell out of someone who hasn't seen me since before the surgery.
21.Not worry about fitting into all the rides at Sea World and Fiesta Texas.
22. Be able to walk the theme parks without feeling like I am going to pass out.
23.Be able to do resitance work at the gym for longer than 45 minutes.
24.Not be so self concious because I am soooo big.
25.Have people hug me and be able to put their arms around me...My kid too!
26.Be able to have my kid lay down beside me on the sofa...not on top of me!
27.Be able to wear baby doll tshirts and look good in them!
28....The most important thing:
Show my son through personal example that being healthy is important. That it takes work and that it is worth it! Have him exercise with me. Run with me. Learn with me.
5.23.05
Time keeps moving.
I am still on the road to surgery and am hoping that it will happen some time this summer. I went for my annual pap *ahem* and found out that my gyno's office offers a "bone density test". I flat out asked the doctor if it was a dexascan. It is, and I asked if I could have one, and of course he had to know why, so I told him about the surgery. We spent about 20 minutes talking about it and he was really cool. He asked alot of questions and wanted to know about the pre-op process I was going through and what I was expecting to get out of having the surgery. He was telling me about some of the ladies that are his patients that have actually had it. Conversations with him get very animated and very funny.I have a dexascan scheduled for July. I love my gyno! Now honestly, how many girls can actually say that!
There are times that I wish I could tell more people about what I want to do... About this surgery, but for me and for right now I just think it is best to tell as few people as possible. Everyone that I have told has been really great about it, although there has been concern about cost and what not, but once I tell them that my insurance covers it (fingers crossed!) then they just wish me the best. Those that know me know that I have really had a hard time with the weight thing. I just wonder how it will be received when everyone else knows what I am working up to.
Speaking of working up, I am now registered for school for fall. I was supposed to go this summer, but there were no classes that I could fit into my schedule, and since I am hoping (fingers crossed, breath baited) to have surgery this summer I just really backed away from school till the fall. I just hope that I have had the surgery and am healthy enough to work full time, go to school full time, be a full time single parent, AND deal with post-op tummy. What the HELL was I thinking! :o)
6.14.05
I know my story is not different from the rest here, but it is so nice to be able to put things down and think that maybe someone, sometime might read this and relate to my experiences or laugh at the things I say or do...
Like my new spiffy "buff-der-flies?" Renee was so awesome in putting this together.... Thanks so much!
I have been stressing over the insurance thing here lately. I have gone for my 3 month appt. on the 9th and am hoping that they will be able to submit something to the insurance and I can hurry up and get approved.
I got a call from Priscilla, the lady from New Dimensions who will be working on my prior authorization through Aetna. She went over my progress notes with me and she was a little concerned that there is information for March 25, May 4, and June 9, but nothing in April. She also told me that the pn (progress notes) for May 4 said absolutely nothing about diet or exercise. She is concerned that is might not get approved and told me that if I wanted to wait, I should have another doctors appointment in June just to make sure we have a full 3 months...
After I got off the phone with her I immediately called my PCP's office to let them know that I HAD to speak to the doctor. They took a message and told me that I would be getting a call back soon...
In the meantime I pulled up Aetna's Clinical Policy bulletin on Obesity Surgery and read it... AGAIN. (for those of you who have aetna... http://www.aetna.com/cpb/data/CPBA0157.html) And it says : " Proximate to the time of surgery, member must participate in organized multidisciplinary surgical preparatory regimen of at least three months duration..." yadda yadda yadda.
Three months duration... I have three months.
And I have already met with a nutritionist, a psychologist, and a personal trainer. I have also had my annual pap.All my duckies are in a row...
Just to be sure for sure I called Aetna's patient management department and spoke with Allison and she told me what I already thought, as long as it is 3 consecutive months, then it should all be fine.
Then I heard back from the nurse at my doctor's office and she took some notes and will call me after she speaks with the doctor. What is really cool about my PCP is that she is all for the WLS and there is never a wait to see her, and her and her whole office are very dedicated to NOT wasting your time... how's THAT!!! I love it!
So then I called Priscilla back (the turn around on all this is about 15 minutes... I get right on things!) to let her know what I had uncovered and let her know that I am anticipating speaking with my PCP's nurse again about the PN and hopefully there will be a fax back to her either today or tomorrow. She told me that after everything is put together and submitted, Aetna has 3 days to turn it around and approve or deny. So I could know something by next week!!!
I would so love to have this surgery behind me.
This is so nerve racking. I know that it is not very likely that I will get approved the first time, but I just want to make sure that I have done everything that I could possibly do to facilitate the endeavor. This is; after all; something I desperately want... Nay....need....
06/27/2005
I am sitting here at work trying to get my mind off of this and can't seem to manage. After going back and forth with my PCP's office and New Dimensions last week, it occured to me that my PCP doesn't want to help me.
So in a last ditch effort to try and get this approved the first time around, I wrote a four page letter to Aetna explaining the situation I was in and how much I have learned about WLS so far and how I feel I will do afterwards. I also listed all the problems I am having and how difficult it is for me to lose this weight on my own. I also sent over all the stuff my personal trainer gave me as well as the diet plan.
I spoke with Priscilla on Thursday and she was working on my case. She said she would start the pre cert on Friday and we would hopefully hear something sometime this week. She was kinda hesitant about submitting since the PCP didn't have favorable information on one of the progress notes. I am gaining weight. I know that. I have increased my exercise and have really started cutting out things from my diet, and I gain. This is the problem. The fact that I just started birth control and that makes me gain weight doesn't seem to help either.
I called Aetna today to see if the per cert has been submitted. It has. Dr. Stegemann, Tuesday, July 26th. It is going to the nurse for review, then to the director. I am praying for an approval. I can't concentrate on much else right now. I am hoping that they will turn this around in the next couple of days...
I will write more when I know more....
7/1/2005
I AM APPROVED!!!
OH MY GOSH!!!OH MY GOSH!!!OH MY GOSH!!!OH MY GOSH!!!OH MY GOSH!!!OH MY GOSH!!!OH MY GOSH!!!OH MY GOSH!!!OH MY GOSH!!!OH MY GOSH!!!
I got a call from Aetna, and apparently they thought they were calling the doctors office, since they had me on the phone, they went ahead and told me that the operation was APPROVED!!!
I am sooooo excited. I am trying to call the doctor's office right now to set up my pre-op appointments...
OH MY GOSH!!!OH MY GOSH!!!OH MY GOSH!!!OH MY GOSH!!!OH MY GOSH!!!OH MY GOSH!!!OH MY GOSH!!!OH MY GOSH!!!OH MY GOSH!!!OH MY GOSH!!!
Have I said:
OH MY GOSH!!!OH MY GOSH!!!OH MY GOSH!!!OH MY GOSH!!!OH MY GOSH!!!OH MY GOSH!!!OH MY GOSH!!!OH MY GOSH!!!OH MY GOSH!!!OH MY GOSH!!!
Just got off the phone with the doctor's office. Need to get my pap information to them asap... Guess who I will be calling till they send it over!!!
7/12/05
OKay, so I am sitting here waiting to hear from the doctors office for a surgery date. My doctor was out of the office on a family emergency, so I am trying to be as patient as possible. I am trying... I am also trying to not bang my head against the desk because I want a surgery date. The lady at the clinic said that my chart is on his desk and I am up next... Argh.
On a positive note I got a phone call today from Aetna. It turns out that when you are getting ready to go into surgery, they assign a rn to you. Just in case you have questions or concerns. Both preop and postop. How cool is that? She is really sweet too. Told me to call her if there is anything that I need. Before or after surgery.
I may be in a holding pattern, but it feels as though things are starting to pick up momentum!
Ciao for now!
Cindy
7/13/05
I have a date! Aug.2 at 7:30... yay!
20 days away... I hope this goes quickly. In the meantime I am protein packing and walking alot more than I have. Also taking my vitamins.
Am now waiting for a phone call for my pre-op appointment to go over my history and for a physical....
I am so excited!
I am so ready to do this thing!
7.18.05
Ok. So I am sitting here at work trying to get my mind on something other than what I need to do before surgery...
And it ain't workin.
I am looking over the notes I took about what I need to do for the pre-op:
1. July 27th.. 11 am: blood work, ekg, xray. Pay hospital copay of $250.00.
2. July 27th .. 3:15 pm: Dr. Stegemann's office
3. Call the hospital and take care of pre-registration.
4. 3 months before surgery...no steroids (?? um..ok. That would have totally sucked if I was on steroids, huh!?)
5. 2 weeks before surgery: no aspirin, no herbals, no birth control (yay!),no hormone pills.
On Friday I ordered me a spiffy medic alert bracelet from Lauren's Hope (www.laurenshope.com).
I should get it in before surgery.
This is what it will have on it:
* Custom Engraving:
Line 1: Roux-en-y patient
Line 2: No NG tube w/o Scope
Line 3: No NSAIDS
Line 4: No time release meds
Line 5: 3 oz stomach 8.2.05
I thought it would be a good idea. This good idea has set me back about 60 bucks, but I think it will be worth it. I don't want to have someone give me something or do something to me that can affect me adversely after going to all this trouble!
Guess that is it..for now!
7.22.05
I seem to like to update on fridays, huh?
Another week down. One more week to go.
I have friends coming up to me in the office asking "when are we going to
So far my lunches are booked up till my last day of work which is monday august 1.
It wont be my last lunch... Just the last time i will be able to eat my favorite food from whatever restaurant it is that we are going to.
I love ethnic food. I am half american, half filipino. I love rice...potatoes, bread, tortillas...things that i will not have again till i am at least a year post-op...if ever.
some think that it is a little extreme for me to cut so much out of my diet...but in all acutality, i only have one year to lose this weight before my teeny tummy starts to be able to handle things that I dont need to be eating. there is not much that i do that is not extreme. when i make up my mind to do something, it is usually accomplished with great passion and vigor. Now that this surgery can help me control what i can handle, the eating and the exercising and the good choices are my responsibility.
my allergies are killing me right now and i am going to be really good and not take my flonase (that is my emergency allergy relief... but it is a nose spray, which, it turns out, is a steroid...which is a no-no...sucks rocks). I so miss my flonase. So do my coworkers. They are half sick of hearing me sneeze and sniffle all day. One threatened to take my nose off and my reply to that was "PLEASE DO!!!".
I am getting so many more emails than I had ever expected to. To all the well-wishers... Thank you ever so much, it means the world to me that there are so many people out there that "get it". To all those who are emailing me with questions: Keep 'em coming! I love to answer and help as much as I possibly can! If I don't know something, boy howdy, i will sure find it out!
10 days till surgery day. I still have not knocked out everything on my list. The housecleaning will take place Wed-Fri of next week and so will the bag packing. This week has been trying to get trash out of my house and getting my house organized. I have made a dent, but it's not where I want it to be... Not that my house is a mess; on the contrary, my house is quite clean... But I want it to be to the point where you open doors and closets and drawers and tthose are organized too. I should have started this project 2 months before surgery, not 2 weeks!
Well, off to clean something!
7.25.05
So I was sitting on the sofa today and it just hit me.
The surreal feeling was instantly replaced by the "surgery will be just fine" kinda feeling. It just walked in, introduced itself, and got comfortable.
I have been going back and forth for days about it not being real. About this not happening. But now it seems as though it finally is going to happen.
As soon as that feeling hit me, I walked into the bathroom and took a look at myself. I dont know the person staring back at me.
I know the person that is inside of me.
I want to see her.
I am not afraid of the surgery or that something will go wrong. I am now ready to get on with the rest of my life and see what lies ahead of me now.
08.01.05
I went to lunch today at Olive Garden thinking that this was going to be my last chance to eat whatever I wanted...
So I ordered the usual: Chicken Fettucine Alfredo with Mushrooms.
Normally I have no problems plowing through the salad with a breadstick ,then eating my entire entree with yet another cursory breadstick thrown in there. 4 glasses of tea and I am done.
Today I couldn't eat my salad. I couldn't eat my entree. Same with the bread. I did manage 1 1/2 glasses of tea. I brought my lunch back to the office with me and wound up giving it away.
I don't know what is wrong with me. May be my mentality is doing a slight shift. May be I am nervous and am not really acknowledging it. Maybe I was trying to eat something that I couldn't.
Tomorrow is the big day. Prayers are good. All prayers are appreciated.
Next time I write, I will be on the other side!
Thank you to everyone who has written me or posted on my support page!
See you all on the other side!
Cindy
8.4.05
I am HOME!!!
The day of surgery was a blur. I woke up late (4:30, was supposed to be at the hospital by 5), but made it on time. Before I knew it, it was time for surgery. I remember getting my cocktail, and that was it.
I woke up a couple of times in recovery in screaming pain, but was quickly out again. The rest of the day went through mostly sleep with waking up occasionally for vitals and talking to my family and friends that were there to see me.
The day after surgery went much better. I snapped out of the funk and used my PCA (morphine) when I needed it. Everyone who came to see me was shocked that I looked so well considering I was 1 day post-op. I guess I am a good healer... Even the doctor in radiology was impressed...yay!
I was released today and am home trying to get into the swing of my life. I was released about 10:30 and Penny took me to get my meds, we then went to University hospital to visit a friend who had a really bad accident, then out to eat, and off to pick up presciptions for my son and to the pharmacy to get everything filled. It has been a busy day. I have had a shower and am now going to go try and get some rest...
8.5.05 - 3 days post-op.
Feeling better today. I am trying not to take my hydrocodone too much because 1. it tastes terrible and 2. i want to try and not take too much pain meds. only when i really need it. I have only needed it once today.
I spent most of yesterday and today worrying that I have not been moving around enough. If I spend more than 30 minutes laying down I feel lousy, and I get alot of phlegm and worry about emboless and pneumonia, so I am up most of the time.
my diet right now consists of water, chicken broth, water, sugar free popsicles, water, and water, protein shakes and vitamins, and water. I have not been hungry yet. This is kinda cool.
I am a bit bummed though. Yesterday before I left the hospital, I weighed in at 261.7. Ugh! Right before surgery I weighed 255.6. Water weight. They pumped me with loads of iv...Now I have no idea what I weigh...
8.23.05
I am officially 3 weeks out today, and I feel great, except for "the sleepies". I have been going to the gym 3-4 times a week since last week and have not been pushing myself... Especially since the doc did not release me to work out until yesterday... No limitations! Which of course means the dreaded reality of having to go back to work...
So at 3 weeks out I am down almost 25 pounds. I wanted more, but I will take the progress and smile. I went in to work to turn in my release to go back on Thurdsay and everyone was shocked at how I looked. Now THAT felt great!
I have had no problems with vomiting, dehydration, and there have been no foods that I have had problems with. But I have learned that I do not like sweet n low... it's too sweet now! I carry little packets of splenda wherever I go, just in case...
Just popped in for a quick update... Take care all!
9.16.05
So I finally got the pukies.
It's been a month and ten days, I am down 40 pounds, and I was feeling great about it. I am getting in my exercise, drinking my water, taking my vitamins and watching what I eat. Now it seems I am watching what I eat and watching it come back again. Ew!
I called the doctors office and they told me to go back to my early post-op diet. Something has "pissed off" my teeny tummy. Nice.
I am now getting too small for everything I own. It used to be that I only had 3 or 4 things in my closet that were big enough, and now I only have 3 or 4 things that are SMALL enough. I wear things to work and I get " Um, yeah. Don't wear that again. It's too big." They threaten to cut the clothes off of me and burn them if they catch me in them again. Hee hee!
I need more clothes, but am determined to not buy anything until I am a size 14. Right now I am a 16 from a 24, so that in itself feels great. But I want to buy regular sizes, even if I do buy them at the thrift store. Why thrift store? Well, the last time I saw my doc, he said that at the rate I am going, I will have lost all my weight in 6 months.... SIX MONTHS!!! So if I am dropping that fast, there is no way I am shelling out bucks at the regular stores if they aren't gonna fit in a month!
See ya'll later!
10.10.05
I am down 50 pounds. BMI 35.2
I was hoping to have lost more weight by now, but I am trying to keep it in some perspective, not really succeeding though. I wanted to lose like 25 pounds a month, but last month I only lost 15. I think going back to work was the absolute worst thing I could have done for my weight loss. The luncheons, the breakfasts... Ugh!
I am determined to be under 200 before November hits. I have 21 days to do it. I have upped my exercise to 3 miles walking a day (if I can, if not 2 miles), and 30-35 minutes on the eliptical at least twice a week. School makes it really hard to fit in any other exercise right now, so I am trying to squeeze it in where ever I can!
I have given away my first basket of clothes. I kept a pair of jeans, a pair of shorts, and a blose that I used to wear all the time for a point of reference. I went out and splurged on a pair of tommy jeans last weekend and I already need a smaller size. I was squeezing into a 16 last time I wrote, now I am getting into 14s. Yay! I am struggling with getting rid of my blouses though. I have some 1x blouses that I dont want to get rid of, but I am really starting to swim in them. I am in a XL or L depending on who makes it.... It's so surreal!
This weekend I noticed something that I hadn't paid attention to: I can cross my legs when I sit and my son can put his arms around my waist. That is soooo cool! Things are crazy, but it looks like I am pulling a 4.0 in school! Yay!
I'll write more when I get under 200.
Ta!
10.21.05
I am down 57 pounds. I have hit under 200! BMI 34.0
I have been busting my butt to get here, and when I stepped on my scale this morning, I saw 198 and just started crying. I can't remember when the last time was that I was under 200 pounds.
One of my coworkers told me that they didn't recognize me for a little bit the other day. She said that someone was at my desk talking to someone else and it took her a while to realize it was me!
That is so cool.
11.02.05 3 months out...
And I have lost 60 pounds... Hurah! Weight 195 BMI 33.5
Since I rearranged my "to do" list, one of my big goals was to hit 60 pounds at the 3 month mark. Doc says that at the 3 month mark, I will have lost half the weight I am going to lose total. I want to lose 120 pounds, so I talked myself into getting to 60 by November 2 and I would be happy. I did, and I am! I lost 30 pounds the first month, 15 the second, and now another 15 pounds. If I keep the same trend, I have 4 months till I am at my goal, and if I make my goal within the first year, I get to buy myself something nice. I get to buy a right hand ring. It is so pretty. I think I can handle getting to goal by March. That would be nice.
So far, I have learned:
That I really need to drink A LOT of water.
I need to take all my vitamins and minerals.
I need my protein shakes.
If I have a "weak moment" I need to make up for it with exercise.
This is not about starving to death.This is about being accountable for what goes into your mouth and the exercise you do to take it off again.
There needs to be moderation in all things and exercise.
It is ok to not exercise everyday, but I must exercise.
I can't expect this little tummy to lose the weight for me. I put it on, I gotta take it off.
Carbs are not my friend. If I want carbs, I have a very little bit and that is all.
If I try to deny myself something I get really upset. If I let myself have it, I beat myself up about it and exercise more. I like the latter. I learn my lesson about moderation and exercise.
Thrift stores and Goodwill RULE.
If I get pissy about not losing weight for a couple of days, I don't sit and complain about it. I just exercise more.
It's not about what the pouch can do for me, it's about what I can do now that I have the pouch. It isn't magic, it isn't a panacea, but it sure is a great help!
11.23.05... 70 pounds lost..and hair. lots of hair...lost.
BMI: 31.8
I have done everything that I am supposed to, but one of the things that I have feared for so long has started to happen. My hair is coming out. A LOT of hair is coming out. There is nothing else to do but ride this out and pray that it comes back. I am almost certain that it will, but with my history, what normally happens for everyone else is not necessarily what happens to me.
In the meantime, I have taken to wearing my hair up and not doing anything to it. I am trying to keep it as intact and healthy looking as possible, if that is at all possible right now. I went to the gym this morning with a friend, and after my shower I brushed my hair and literally lost a handful of it in the process. My friend was shocked and I am sad. My hair was so thick and full for the first few months after surgery that now.... I just want it back.
I have lost a lot of hair before and it is not a fun place to be. Before when I lost a lot of hair, it was due to stress and not eating right. I was virtually bald and it was ugly. I am doing everything I can. I take my protein, minerals and vitamins faithfully, I watch what I eat and I exercise. I was hoping that there would be some way around the hair loss thing. Not for me. I have to go through this apparently. I didn't want to have to go through this, but here I am.
On an upside, I am now in size 12. Pants, tops..yay!
11.28.2005
"You're killing me smalls"
Weight: 185...still. ugh, the holidays!
BMI: 31.8
What it were to wonder what it was like to be called little, to be called small. It is now starting to happen and it is surreal.
I have lost so much, not in just weight, clothing sizes, and hair, but also in what it is I held as basic, fundamental truths in my life. As I learn to work this new body, it pushes out the boundaries of what I though was possible for me to do; what I could accomplish. I no longer hide from trying to do things because I don't think I can accomplish them, I FIND a way to do it. It is no longer because I can't, but because I choose not to.
12.5.05
weight 180, bmi 30.9
Losing my hair, losing my mind, losing my friends.
So it has all started to happen now. I lost my personally required 75 pounds in 4 months. My hair is still falling out with no signs of stopping. I think I will need to be bald before the hair monster is satisfied. I don't know if it's from the wls, from the birth control pills, or from stress. They all hit pretty much the same time. I just know that I had a pretty full head of hair in month 3, and by month 4, i have started to do the comb back. my hair is in a bun all the time and i am sure that doesnt help with the hair loss. I take it down once a day and wash it every other day. what a bother my hair has become.
i am really stressed out over work. i dont want to be there anymore. girls that i used to hang out with have stopped talking to me, but they do talk about me. behind my back. this kills me. i have been told pretty much to keep my mouth shut about my weight loss. i was told that it is hard enough to see me losing weight so fast that i dont need to mention everytime i lose a pound or a dress size. the she asked me how much weight i lost...ugh! i am damned for being fat and i am double damned being a fat girl tucked into a regular girls body. i actually cried at work today i was so sad. the holidays really suck this year what with the weight loss, the hair loss, the friend loss, the stress, and the no money situation. i need to buy presents and am just barely keeping afloat. in january i get my financial aid for school and february is income tax return, but most of all of that will need to be used to pay off some bills. maybe buy some new living room furniture. i think i need to axe the europe trip because i am broke.
my boobs have started there migratory trip south. i was told it was going to happen, but thought it wouldnt happen because i was a 38c in highschool and am pretty much there again. but nooooo... i sat on the toilet the other day and felt so bad for the girls i actually held them up whilst i peed.sad sad sad.
i actually broke down and bought some new sweats since i was still wearing the mens xxls that i bought when i was bigger. i was afraid i was going to be on the eliptical machine and find my sweats around my ankles...not good. i also had some womens xl and they were too big for me. i sucked it up and bought some large sweats and THOSE were too BIG. I am in medium sweats. hunh. strange. i never thought i would see the day when i would be in mediums.
it is a good and bad time in my life. i can handle all the battles i have to fight internally and physically.i was all set for the battles with myself. i never thought that it would get so rough with the people that i had considered my friends who now I do not know. i am trying to figure this new body out and now it turns out that i have alot to learn about the world of a smaller girl. i used to be invisible, but now i am ignored or intentionally left out. i preferred invisible to this, but this is my life now and i must find a way to deal. i must find a way to get my hair to stay on top of my head. or at least grow back faster...
12.12.05
"Damn it Woman! I didn't recognize you!"
Weight:177 BMI:30.4
So this weekend was the last weekend for school. A lot of the people that I was in class with finally had the guts to come up to me and ask me what I did to lose so much weight so fast. It was cool to explain to people. I am glad it's over and I am glad to be off for a few weeks before spring semester starts. I am really looking forward to my trip to Oklahoma for the holidays...I get to go home!
I am still going bald. I hate this. I really really really hate this. No matter what I do, it doesn't stop. I need to ride it out but it is damn depressing me.
I have decided that I will need to bow to the holidays and realize that I am not going to lose my self-imposed requirement of 15 pounds this month. I will try to be happy with whatever I lose, just as long as I lose. I can't expect to do as well as I normally do this month with all the craziness and all the food around. I will watch what I eat, and continue to exercise as much as possible, but will allow myself to be human and have some food that I don't usually eat this month. I hope it all works out.
I am in size 10 pants now and size medium tops. It's so cool...
SRC="http://www.obesityhelp.com/morbidobesity/mempix/parrish_cindy/bar2.gif">
1.4.06
weight:170 BMI:29.2
pounds lost...85
I am no longer obese! i am officially "overweight"!!!
comfortably fitting in size 10 jeans, some of them are getting loose on me, but that's ok. i only lost 10 pounds in december, which i will take, especially given my 9 day moratorium on my health nut regime. i did not exercise, i ate more stuff than i normally do. i did nothing good for me but spend time with my family on vacation. i learned something though, i dont dump. at all. its a bad thing and i really need to watch myself around junk. but i am back in the swing of my health nut lifestyle and even entered into a weight loss competition at my local gym. i am not in it to win because there are more out there who have more body fat to lose than me, i am doing it for the measurements. im cool with dat.
everyone is surprised that i am wearing the size i am at the weight i am. i kinda am too. there is a girl in the office who is like 160 and wearing size 14. i just believe that everyone is made different and we carry our weight differently. i didnt think that i would ever be this size...EVER. i am now wondering what it would be to be in single digit sizes...
i am still losing hair. its really the most depressing thing to see all your hair all over the floor and in the tub. i want it to stop already, but dont know when that will happen.
i am aiming to lose 15 pounds this month. it will take more work than before, but thats ok. its just what i want to do. we shall see if i can do it!
take care of yourselves and do the best you can!
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POSTED JANUARY 5, 2006 on myspace.com/cinrish blog called "tears and fears"
so one of my dearest friends has been looking really sick lately. she said that she just hasnt been feeling well lately and that her heart has been hurting. i forced her to go to the doctor yesterday and they found nothing. today has been the same and i wish i could help, but i cant right now.
she walks over to my desk just now and tells me that she has figured out what the problem is...its me. whenever i am around her now, she stresses out because of how little im getting and that makes her stress out really bad and thats why her heart hurts. me being the overly sensitive person i am, started sobbing. she told me that because i have lost so much weight, she is unhappy with her weight and the way that she looks because i am so different now. it felt as though someone had taken the rug out from under me and my heart broke. she tried to reassure me that it wasnt me that was doing this to her, that she was doing this to herself... but no, it is me. i am the catalyst that brings on the stress. just because of the way i look, not because of who i am. i can now stress people out by being around them...without saying anything.. without doing anything... just by being around.
my fears are coming true. by changing the outside, the world is changing around me, and it is turning bitter and cold. i am losing the closeness of friends that have been there for me. i am losing the feeling of comfort that i had when surrounded by people that i have known for years. all because i am smaller than i was.
so i must take another blow to my psyche and my heart and hope that somehow those i had been close to can see their way clear to see me as i am now and not be so affected by what i look like and just be with the friend that is still here. to let me in again and not shut me out, even though it is unintentionally done. the winter storm is coming, and it is getting cold in my world.
1.11.06
weight:167 BMI:28.7
pounds lost...88
So, apparently the cosmos heard (or read, rather) that i dont dump, and the situation has been corrected.I can pretty much dump just by looking at something. after lunch today (salad, a little bread, grilled jumbo shrimp (6) and a half of a half of a piece of tilapia, i had a couple slivers of pineapple and a few strawberries and felt pretty ill. just great.
i also noticed this morning that i had these bumps on my lower back right above my butt. they are placed in the exact same spot on opposite... upper cheeks, and the left one was larger than the right. i had seen these before and just assumed that they were fat deposits and would go away with working out, but the more i work out, the more pronounce they are. but today, the right one was bigger, and is sore. i got concerned and hauled my butt into the pcps office and she told me they are cysts. nice. i never really noticed them because the fat hid them. she told me that they would have to be surgically removed, and to talk to my surgeon about that. i need to check and see if he does do that...i dont think so, but i am checking!
on an up note, i bought some clothes today on clearance at the mall... SIZE 8 PANTS!!! I MADE IT TO SINGLE DIGITS IN 5 MONTHS...WOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOO!!!!
Me in my calvin kleins...size 8..sorry for the blurriness..and darkness.. and...oh, you get the idea already!
peas out! ;o)
1.16.06
weight:damn same bmi:damn same
weight lost: damn same!
so i have finally met up with the dreaded plateau. karma always has a way of checking my vain butt. i was doing really well and then *****BANG***** right into the plateau wall. I have been standing here staring at it for 2 weeks now, and I really HATE it. i push and push and push and push... and nada damn thing happens. grrrrrr. ill keep at it though, thats the only thing i can do.
school started up last week and my first class met this past saturday. there are about 8 or 9 people that i had from last semester and they were all pretty shocked with how little i had gotten so quickly (the last day of class i think i was in size 14 pants, but i could get into 12s). I could see one of the girls talking to one of the other girls as I walked by her (see, because I was too far away from her to hear, but was looking at her and smiling as i walked by): "look at how skinny cindy has gotten".
...SKINNY....THEY ARE CALLING ME SKINNY NOW....SKINNY!!!!!
Not in this lifetime did i ever think i would be where i am now. never did i think that i would be able to feel as free as i do, as healthy as i do, and as strong as i do right now. i never imagined what this world could be like looking at it from where i am now. its really hard, it takes a lot of work, and i have had many blows along the way... but it is worth it. would i have the surgery again? damn yes! with the frustrationsand consternations all along the way... i may not lose my 15 pounds this month, but anything is better than nothing at this point and i need to get my world put together. as it stands now. as it is now. as i am now.
a side note: got an appointment for my second tattoo. its going to be a triquetra on my lower back and they are going to touch up my grace kanji that i got a few years ago. the owner of the shop is also a personal trainer and power lifter... he said that he would like to get a training routine put together for me... kewl. he is also a single parent and good lookin too! hmmmmm.....
2.10.06
weight:162 BMI:28.2
pounds lost...93
Okay, 2 days ago the plateau gave up. I had went out and plunked down some money...ok, a CRAPLOAD of money at the gym for a personal trainer. I figured I was smalle enough (gasp!) to start working on toning what's left, plateau or no plateau. I figured it couldnt hurt it, but didnt realize at the time how much it was going to hurt me!
Today was my 6 month follow up appointment, and apparently I have gotten my doc's stamp of approval. One of the girls that works there told me that the doctor saw me and said "she looks hot!"!! Yay! He told me that he would be perfectly ok if i stopped losing weight right now. If I want to lose more, he would want to see me back when I have lost another 10 pounds, but he definitely does NOT want me to go under 150. Kinda makes sense since another 14 pounds will probably get me into a size 4. Freaky. He swears that if I try to get down to my goal weight (which was around 135) he will come after me...And i believe him. Being at goal may mean that I look TOO thin and that equals looking sickly and unheathy, and that is not what I was after.
I finally spilled the beans and admitted to having taken protein shakes since i was a pre-op. My doctor didnt really have a problem with it given my weight loss and lifestyle track record. Cool. I have also been put up for being a "weight mate" (kinda support person for pre-ops and new post-ops), and was asked if I wanted to be a speaker at a seminar... "sure" was what came out of my mouth...
The re-evaluation of my weight loss goal is kinda bitter-sweet. I have been told for a few weeks now that I look fine just as I am. That I am skinny enough. To hear that from my surgeon and the people that work in the clinic just solidified what I have been hearing. It also means that I have pretty much hit goal in 6 months. My goal was to lose 120, I am a little over 90 pounds lost, and everything seems good right now. We'll see how it goes the next couple of months and/or at 150.
