nuttiwebgal

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well here I am freaking out!
I have been very good on the diet no more cheating for me but I sure was tempted yesterday...LOL and no it wasnt anything really mouthwatering but a plain ole turkey sandwhich with lettace tomato and cheese slathered with Mayo.....oooo I wanted it bad. but my husban who was eating the sandwhich made me "GO AWAY"  he said he felt guilty for eating one of my fav things to eat in front of me...but where else could he be? I mean we do live in the same house. poor guy.  and I know someday down the road I will have a turkey sandwhich and I have had many in the past so I had to let it go.
only 4 shakes yesterday...I forgot the last one as we were so busy. we had friends over and we all spent the afternoon tie-dying t-shirts. I bought myself 4 size 8x for this so I will have something to wear as I loose. they are a little big on me right now due to the 40# weight loss I have had since starting this process. but I figure I can wear them for awhile and than they can be night shirts.
we also did a package of 4 for Dean and Catriona.  but they were v-necked and he said he would rather wear the scoop neck so he went and got himself some more for us to do when we get home.
 tonight I am hoping to go to support group and meet some of the ladies form the OH Mo board I have been learning so much from these past weeks.
that will be fun for sure. and tomorrow I have to pack for the hospital.
I am both nervous and excited.....but the excitement far exceedes the nerves.
nutti

Yesterday was fathers day.  our son and his family were over as well as my mom.  we spent a few hours packing a box to send to my oldest son who is an Embassy Guard in Africa. and the Husband made chilidogs.
yes I had a brat and 1/2 cup chili pureed with a bit of beef broth...and I did not have 5 shakes I just had 4 and than spent 2 hours in the pool.
absolutly nooo more wondering off the diet. I have 8 days of shakes to do and 1 day of clear liquids before surgery.  I am finally getting to enjoy my pool. when it isnt raining.  I want to go out today butit rained last night and i dont know how cold the water is and Im feeling a little run down.
runny nose. I got a Richard Simmons tape comming from E-bay for sitting excerzises. so I will incorporate those into my routine also. I have also been doing the dishes...standing and not using the dishwasher. Im trying to incorporate more activity into my day. I want to be ready for all of those walk the Dr. makes you take hours after surgery...not only goof for keeping the blood clots from forming but also helps instarting the body back into shape.
soooo much skin to tone up. I fear it wont tone much but I do wonder just how it will all look when I am finished with the weightloss.
 Im getting my things ready for packing. Im not sure how long I will be in the hospital but I know I will also be in Little Rockf or a couple of days after my release from the hospital, so I am packing some things to do.
 I started making some beaded socks for the little girls in my life.
Pixie(2) and Madison(3).  I havent been working on myu miniatures lately.
I am very into myself and getting ready for my big change.
 after 5 days on this diet I dont feel like I have lost much if anything. it is very
disheartning. but the liquids are not just for weightloss but also for cleaning out the system. I am achieving something.
 today the drink shakers I ordered arrived....this is good especially after surgery.
Things I look forward to.....
doing yard work
flying on a plane
going to Vegas
nutti

today was not a good day for me.
I have been lightheaded and dizzy most of the day and the stomach is protesting the no food. I have also been nauseated
so I ate a hardboiled egg.
now I feel like crap...I should have just gone to bed and not had the dern thing.
I called the Dr Office and of course no answer but I did leave a msg. hopefully someone will get back to me tomorrow. 
I have also had a headache for 2 days. as I have never been on such a low calorie intake I suppose that is what is going on. 
tomorrow will be better.
I can do this. I know I can!
going to bed.
nutti

Well today is almost over!
it was the first day of the pre-op liquid diet,....ummm it pretty much sucks!
I am sooo hungry. but only liquid has passed these lips today.
I have had 4 of my 5 shakes....a can of beef broth and 2 sf popsicles
and a gallon of water. well it feels like a gallon of water.
I have been up since 5am so Im hoping to go to sleep early tonight so Im not thinking about all the food in my fridge calling to me and tempting me with their foodness!
I have sf jello chilling in the fridge for tomorrow. and I had Dean and Catriona buy me some unsalted peanuts to puree into the shakes for the peanut butter taste. I dont know if thats a good idea or not so I will go ask on the board, before I do it tomorrow also.
there is some fat in the nuts so just one a day...well unless its not a good idea...got to find out.
Dr. Baker told me of a pt who was drinking her shakes with her meals and gained weight on her diet. I am determined to do well. but it sure was hard watching them eat their frozen Lasagne...of which I do not like but smells O so good.   why am I starving myself?
to live
to walk
to dance
to sleep in a bed with my husband
to give my grandbaby piggy back rides.
its mind over matter so the mind has to learn it dont matter.
but what of the tummy that is grumbling?
its only 2 weeks...its ONLY 2 weeks...its only 2 weeks.
I can and I will do this. I wonder if its this hard for everyone who has to do this?
nutti

Yes I said Panic I am almost full panic attack.
tonight made Dean go get me one of those variety cheesecake
of course Catriona was having her "friend" so we needed that cake!
I know that I will be able to return to some eating after I go through the process but some things I will be scared to try...or I hope I will be...Im having the  "what if Im the one person it doesnt work for?"attack...from what Ive read this is normal. but it is freaking me out. and im having such a hard time wrapping my mind around the reality of how little I will eat...I mean I enjoy my food Obviously!  I worry about what will I do to deal with stuff if I dont have my friend?   this was an issue brought up tonight
nice lady named Jan on MO board said that food was never her friend
it lies to you, it teases you, and it doesnt love you. it is your enemy.
eat to live not live to eat.....good words to live by.
I think I will put post its all over with this message. tomorrow I am making stuffed Peppers and Sunday Dean is making spaghetti
everyone is counting down to Tuesday...that is the day of the Liquid Diet beginning. I have to do good! I have to be good! I have to do good!
 Dean and Catriona are also ready to start this. we are all going for healthier us. She has been taking a photography class this summer and is LOVING it
so somehow I am going to have to come up with the money to buy her a really nice camera for her Birthday.  sweet 16...I wanted to do a party but with the surgery and the van dying it will have to be party or present and she wants the present. also getting her a real nice photoshop program and some tripods.
things I miss.....walking down to the football field on a fall evening
going to football games....going to the Y
things I look forward to....learning to make stain glass
riding a bicycle. going to the park and sitting on the grass to watch the annual fireworks display.
18 more days.
TTFN
nutti

well I wondered when the eating machine would make an appearence
and its been bad the last few days!
so many things going on at once
my van is dead...not mearly dead! but most sincerily dead!
its a sad day around here. we have NOOO money to buy another van and we need one soon. I mean I can miss things like the support group..its not like I want to and blowing it off...but I cant miss SURGERY! and I have to pay for several days at a motel with Dean getting no pay for those days he stays with me.  I cant do it without him. he is the rock of my world. not saying he dont make me crazy but he is so much a part of me that I cant imagine not having that. 
My Grandmother who I tried to gain gaurdianship last yr and didnt is now in a nursing home...which I knew would happen...which NO body called to tell me...I happen to find out 2 weeks after the fact.
so I guess there is no wonder the eating machine came out. got to find some other way to cope with this crap. OH and today my mom checks herself into a crisis center coz her anxiety meds kinda did a woopie on her...leaving me to take care of her dog and my brother who is disabled and dependant on my mother for all. uuuggggg
so this is how things are tonight...who knows how they will be tomorrow....well I do have Miss Pixie to play with tomorrow.
comming to see her nannie.
things I miss....walking on the sand
I never had sex on the beach
building a sandcastle with a child.
TTFN
nutti

Well the consult and Pre-Opertive stuff went well!
I am ready.
I felt like a dithering idiot...I was very nervous and excited but he saw through that and made me very comfortable.
I have been cutting things out of my diet to prepare for the surgery and to try and loose some weight before I went to see him. and I had lost 20 pounds since April. and because of that I now will only have to do a 2 week liquid diet instead of the 4 weeks I had been told!! that was totally exciting for me.
he did ask about my excersizing and of course there has been little increase...he says "what are you waiting for?" good question.
so now I am going to start walking around my house 2 or 3 times a day. go out the back door walk around to the front and come in. sad to say ...that will be a challenge, although I have been doing little things to increase the excersize...like I am doing some of the laundry again.
been cooking at least 3 meals a week and when I go to Wal-marts I park in the farthest away handicap space instead of driving around the parking lot waiting for an up front one. I think now I will not park in handicap at Wal-mart and make that part of the excersizing also. I use the electric buggy for shopping
not ready to give that up yet. give me 100 lbs and that will be one "fat"
behavior I am more than ready to part with. along with my wheel chair.
What are you waiting for?
I think that is a good mantra for me. sooo no more having the kid make me an ice water. or any food item. if I have to make it myself than maybe I wont eat so much. or often!  baby steps. no soda for me for 2 weeks but for the pepsi I had on the ride back from Little Rock on Thursday...4 hour drive is long ride and I needed a pick me up.
the doctor will also repair the hernia that I was worried about. also told me not to let it keep me from doing any activity I want to just be aware of it and not over do it.
so now its a countdown to surgery. OMGOSH
I am just soo ready.  today some of my friends are coming over for a small fare-the-well to food and old life party. we are going to work on a miniature project I have going.
I broke down and called my Aunt who is 4 yrs older than I and who also struggles with her weight. I think if all goes well with me this is something she is thinking about doing. sooooo high hopes for my surgery for many reasons.
nutti

Thusday is comming up fast!
Tomorrow I have to go to my PCP and get my letter of diets stuff he had to write for me.
I have my bi-pap information also ready to go.
a few days ago my Hubby told me that his HR lady told him that if medicade would not pay for my surgey that he should do an apeal to the ins.!!! YUP like we didnt already think of that and was told not to bother as it was not a ins exclusion but a Company exclusion...as a matter of fact it was the same HR lady who told us this about 2 yrs ago.
 The kids went to Shwag-stock over the weekend and had a really good time. want us to go with them next yr. and because of this surgery I think not only do I really want to but I really may be able tooo!
how exciting is that?
I belong to many miniature forums and am very active on several and have lots of friends but Im afraid to say anything about this upcomming surgery until it happens. I havent even told my aunts or grandmothers
just cant bear the thought of having to tell them again...Oh never mind its not gonna happen.
IM sooooo READY!
things I miss...
working in the yard
scrubbing my floors
painting walls
walking the dog
nutti:wave:

after the big oink out I was finally able to get back on the protien and eating sensible plan I had been on up till then. feeling better now.
 I am 1 week before consult!
I am sooo nervous about it but I am also excited. the future seems full of possibilities now where before I could only see the same life style I have been living up till now. which is this house. I love my house and I am very comfortable here but I cant imagine having to be stuck here forever and before I began this journey thats what I had been facing.
I am not feeling sorry for myself...I dont feel lonely or alone. I have a very busy and active social life on the computer. I belong to several miniature groups and consider myself fortuante to have met all the wonderful people I have because of my computer. and with my miniatures I always have something to work on and create. which keeps my mind and my hands busy.
 although since this oddessy has started I have had a horrible time staying focused on any one project for any lenght of time.
so I have 5 or 6 things going at one time and none of the near completion. I should get myself in gear and put some stuff up on e-bay. 
fat comment for the day....I was told once by a complete stranger at Wal-marts that  "those buggys are for the handicap not fat people to lazy to walk!"
 now I am a talker but the venom coming from this woman made me speechless. to this day I am stunned when I think of it.
but I thank God for those electric buggy,s...without them I would have never left my home for anything...sometimes the only break I get from my house is the weekly trip to the store. and Im real sure I am not the only one.  
 today Im going shopping for the ingredients to make a spinach soufle(?)  I got the recipee from one of the support group ladies.
I know I ramble but Im trying to deal with alot of stuff emotionally and this sure helps.  in one week I start my liquid diet and than it will be surgery. life changing as I know it surgery. I am sooo ready to do "normal" things like walking through wally world and the Mall.
Things I look forward too.....
riding a bycycle
going boating
going camping
rollarskating
walking...anywhere
learning to water ski
DANCE
good ole fashion SEX.
lol...probably shouldnt have included that one but if Im to be honest
it is one of those things I miss most. I have a wonderfully supportive husband who most days I wouldnt trade for anything. not that we dont maintain our intimacy but obviously it is NOT the same...enough said.
 next week when I get home from the Dr. Office I have promised myself I would write down all my measurements! YUCK! not looking forward to seeing that in print...BMI of 72 is hard enough to see in print. also going to start my photo journey.  I had thought about being burtally honest and take them in the nude or underwear but I dont think I have that kind of courage....and lets face it who really needs to see the "real" me!
just a few ramblings
nutti

11 days to consult! 
today I took my mother to the support group. I thought if she actually met people who have had the surgery and could hear and see the positive she might feel better about the whole thing...not to say she has been negative about this but I know she has been worried about me and my health in general.  and it worked. she had a very different attitude on the ride home than she did on the ride down. so I was glad we did this! it was exciting to meet new people and to hear their stories
and it was nice to get to ask my questions...some of which I could remember. I need to write some of them down.
Catie went also and she is getting excited for me as well. and I think for herself. she made a statement it would be nice to be like other teenage girls who steal clothes from their mothers closet. something she has never been able to do.  we also look forward to shopping for clothing...together. usually I take her and she looks and tries on and I buy.  but I like to buy also. its exciting to think that shortly I will be able to do just that.
I was told in group...NOT to try and buy ahead...things I may like now I may not be able to stomach after the surgery because your taste change...bummer.  I do like to feel Im prepared for anything.but I may just have to wing it.
  still wrried I may not do well on the 4 week diet but Im determined to do it one day at a time and NOT freak out on myself if I lapse.
lapse does not mean Oink out!
I also am worried about a henia that I developed recently. about 2 weeks ago I had a really bad couphing spell...like it last 2 or 3 days and left my tummy aching and hurting...went to the PCP and yup I had given myself a hernia(bleeech) Im telling you at this point  I feel like if its not one thing its another!
oh and the pool pump is buggered and cannot be fixed. so now if we are to have our pool going this yr we have to buy a new set up...350$
we are hoping Home Depot will have one that we can put on the card.
the pool is clean and it is almost full. need the dern pump!
Im looking forward to getting in and enjoying it. before the surgery.
TTFN
nutti