NTTEACHER2005

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 Tried on the 2 jeans, they go up to my hips and can't pull them up higher : /  I'm leaving them out as motivation. Also i left out my hoodie n sweat pants from when i was 179lbs as motivation I WILL WEAR IT! I went to the gym for 1 hr and 30 mins. did 15 mins on Eliptical b/c it's wearing me out medically wise, joint pain, leg cramps. My friend did 45 mins on it. Go her!!! I did 30 mins on the bike & treadmill, 10 push ups and spent 10 minutes total on free weights& weight machines.  

About the Not preventing my hubby to be wants to call it now. Less pressure. We are going to talk to our counslor about things we have on our mind about it. Larry wants us to have fun and enjoy intimacy with out the job of trying, he was like if you get pregnant then fine, if not no big deal. He told me if i didnt want this then we'd be preventing. he spoke with me and said just keep going to the gym and keep busy. he said everything will work out. i'm trying to be positive about it. I see my wedding dress in my dreams, one minute i'm a size 12 and beautiful and the next minute i'm a big heffer and miserable. i can't make up my mind and told larry until i do just give me time. It's such a big deciscion and it's scary too.

I see it as not ruining my life at all, but expanding our family and then on the other hand a challenge. i'm overwhelmed with our wedding b/c larry wants me to plan it all, b/c " i know about this stuff b/c i'm a girl"  and it's next yr. stress will never get me pregnant.  Getting everything you want at once seems impossible and when someone tells me to wait or i can't do it, it make me work harder to get what i want. i'll never give up on my dreams. i will have a daughter, i will be at 170lbs, then  150lbs. i've wanted to be 130lbs , i will one day. i'm doing this for my son& most of all my self so i can be healthy and enjoy the pool without feeling self concious that people are looking at me grossly or going to the gym and not feeling fat when i look in the mirror. 

I am going to do this and no one will stop me, i have support from friends and family and thoses that don't approve can stay out of my life. i want whats best for my family and myself and i'll make it through one day at a time. 

 my life has been going good.  I'm excersizing, eating healthy, doing the right thing. i'm proud of myself.

I was going through all my clothes that were 14, 12  and xl, i spotted two pairs of jeans 17-19 i was like omg where did theses hide lol. So i put them on my shelf i'm going to try them on after my shower from going to the gym.  right now i only have one pair of jeans, i used to have 4-5 pairs of jeans when i was younger. so if i fit in them it will be 3 pairs i'll have. wish me luck. i found out my mom and me are an inch apart waist size, wow thats amazing yet our bodies are different. i'm proud of my mom, she's my inspiration and so is my friend crystol. they are motivating me. my hubby to be is supportive as well.

Looking at wedding dresses, mom sent me a link, fashion bug sells wedding dresses, i like 2 of them, the lace and this flowing one with diamond cut around waist.  i'm excited and nervous, we are actually doing this. it's real. omg, i'm so happy. i am worried about going into labor at our wedding so we are preventing next month if we don't concieve this month. i know people will wonder why are we trying when we have our wedding and i'm losing weight. there is no perfect time for a baby. we are in love. we've been together for 2 yrs and 4 mths on the 22 it will be. he's my soulmate. we have our issues, everyone does. he completes me and i don't know what i'd do with out him, he works hard and gives nick & i everything we deserve. he is the best hubby to be and father a  son could ask for. Yes sometimes i wanna yell at him and i usually do. but we are quick to forgive.  its not about the quantity of things in your life . its the quality :) remember life is short, if you sit there and watch it pass by you'll only regret it. take your life by the reins ands steer it in the direction you want to go, do be afraid of a few bumps in the road and never give up, no matter what you do. 

 4 mths ago i weighed myself and was disgusted 240lbs. i was 13lbs shy of the weight i was when i was pregnant with my son, that was 7 1/2 yrs ago. I remember for 2 weeks in 2008 i was a size 12 at 179lbs. I started gaining weight and the pounds kept going up. I got lyme diease in 2010. My out look on life sucked, food was my confort. Thankfully 6 mths later i got a negitive lyme test. Then i started going back to the gym for a short time. I stopped and for 3 mths i was depressed eating and just suffering in my own self pity especially over the fact me and my fiance` couldn't concieve a child and i know i'm heavy so that makes it harder to get pregnant. So in June of this yr i started going to the track 2x a week. That stopped in August. I went downhill again. i started to pick up a hobby called Reborning, Making life like dolls and it became my coping with my love-hate for food. i now eat healthy thanks to my mother for introducing my family to Whole Foods and Trader Joes. I go to the gym 2-3x a wk and i've lost 22lbs. my goal is 20lbs by jan 1st. I plan to get healthy so we can have a baby and i can be more active with my family.