MsSmiles
My Metamorphosis
February 16, 2006
Here is a little about myself: My name is Felicia. I am 33 years old and I have been married for almost 13 years. I have 4 beautiful children, a 15 yr old stepdaughter (reigning princess), a 6 yr old princess, and a pair of 3 year old princes. I have been considering WLS for over a year now but I had my heart set on the Lap-Band. I had convinced myself that it was less invasive and safer to do. I had also convinced myself that regular GBP surgery was just too dangerous. WELL I was VERY disappointed to learn after Dr Lord's seminar tonight, that my insurance (Tricare) will pay for a GBP but not for Lap-Band. This is very upsetting to me since I had convinced myself that this was so dangerous. Now I am reading a lot of WL Journals. I am learning about leaks and strictures and refluxes (OH MY). Anyway I am trying to decide if this is the right thing to do or will I be putting myself in mortal danger.
March 30, 2006
I have been doing my research since I found out Tricare doesn't "do" LapBands and I have decided I want to be apart of my life and not just a spectator.
It’s worth the risks.
Finally! I had my consult with Dr Lord today. I got lost in the hospital and was late for my appointment, but Tracy was cool about it. I first met Dr Lord at the Feb seminar. I liked him then and I like him even more now that I’ve really gotten a chance to talk to him. He’s straight up. He gives you the facts, bad and good and still manages to be really personable. He said I am "great" candidate for GBS. He said he’d like to see me at 150lbs and he wants to help me get there. (Let me just say that when I joined the Air Force in 1992 at 19 I weighed 165lbs and when I got out in 1996 I was 215) It almost brought tears to my eyes. I asked him when did he think I‘d have the surgery buy and he said his best guess was by May and that I could be 100 lbs smaller by Christmas (almost cried again). So today I did my lab work and the EKG and the chest x-ray. He said he’s requesting a letter from my PCM and then we just wait. Oh my GOD! I can’t wait to get on with my life as a "smaller" person.
April 4, 2006
I talked to my mom on the phone the other night about my appointment with Dr Lord. I am proud to say she’s very supportive of me no matter what I do, no matter what it involves. I didn’t get her "skinny" gene. She’s a very small woman (5’2" 130lbs) so I don’t think she will ever really "know" what a struggle my weight has been for me BUT she works at Catherine's Plus size store and she knows a lot of "us" and is sensitive to "our" feelings (and I get GREAT plus size clothes). She told me not to tell anyone in my family that I didn’t think would be supportive. Because all I need are "positive people" right now. She says this because I mentioned to some family members last year that I was considering the Lap-Band and you would have thought I‘d told them I personally, was going to end the world. The idea that I wanted surgery did not go over well AT ALL. This is the bigger side of my family where I got the fat genes from and I am not the biggest. I got the age old sermon about pushing back from the table and not eating after 6pm and just a lot of negativity. So, no I am not going to tell the rest of my family till I am done. The only see me a few times a year anyway. But I can hear my grandmother now..."You ain’t "SICK" are you, baby? You’re just melting away."
April 5, 2006
Today I went to the nutrition orientation and met Traci S. ...I think she is a riot. She knows her stuff and she’s excited. Excited to share what she knows, excited for us to start our new lives and excited to help us along the way. I love the little model of a stomach she has. You can read, and read and read all you want about bypass surgery but sometimes it takes a visual to bring it all together. I’ve read a hundred times that my new stomach will be about the size of and egg. I don’t know what kind of egg I was visualizing, but I can tell you it was a hell of a lot bigger than the medicine cup she held up.
April 30, 2006
Ok what has happened since my last update? It's only been a few weeks but a lot has happened. I met with Maggie for my Psych evaluation 4-20. She said I passed (lol). It felt very good to sit and talk with Maggie about my life thus far and to hear her to tell me what post-WLS can be like. Maggie had GBS 8 years ago, so she's been there and can relate. We talked for 2 hours about the pros and cons of WLS and about feeling/being "normal". This is when I shed a few tears. I mean really...being overweight makes us not "normal" Aren't I still a person? Okay enough of that. I am already an emotional wreck. My dear grandmother, Mommae, passed away 4-20-06. Initially I felt like my heart was ripped out. But I feel better about it now. She had pancreatic cancer and she was in a lot of pain. Now she is resting in peace and no longer suffering. Mommae is the reason I believe in heaven so I have no doubt that is where she is. I am proud that during
this emotional crisis I have managed to stay out of my refrigerator (but I have had a few more glasses of wine than usual...I know...I know…that's not good either).Also, this last week I had my one on one with Traci S. the nutritionist and I was given my post-op eating/vitamin schedule. I met with my PCM to get a letter of necessity. That should complete my packet so hopefully I'll here something about a surgery date this week. I AM SOOOOOO EXCITED!!!!
.............
Ok I am reading back and I seemed to have left a few things out.(WARNING! Some of the following information may be TMI, but I’ve included it because this is all part of MY story.) When I had my labs done I test positive for H. Pylori (http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/000229.htm), it's really more common than people think. I had to do the Prevpac antibiotic system for 14 days. This was hard because every day I was taking two PREVACID 30-mg capsules, four amoxicillin 500-mg capsules, and two clarithromycin 500-mg tablets. UUGGHH the taste that was in my mouth. I felt like anyone passing by me could smell the antibiotics. (OK, here we go into the TMI file) I have had a Mirena IUD for 1 year this month. I don't know if it was because I was on the antibiotics or if it was because I was stressed but I spontaneously rejected it a few days ago (ewww). I had already had an appointment with my Gyn because I felt the strings were a little lower than usual. My doctor scheduled me for a pelvic ultrasound next week to check the placement...but I will cancel because I "have" it now in my hand (so I know where it’s placed). I called Dr Lords office to ask what they recommend for birth control. He doesn't care as long as it’s not the pill. SO NOW I have to fine some other (RELIABLE) method of birth control. Ok I think that's about everything. If anyone reading this has an opinion about the birth control PLEASE e-mail it to me. Hopefully next time I'll be writing to share my surgery date.
May 12, 2006
Still no surgery date. I know I’ve been driving Traci S. crazy with e-mails begging her to give me an update. (I’ve been bothering her because she seems a lot more approachable….and I got her e-mail address from her business card). I managed to stay out of the fridge while dealing with the death of my grandmother BUT sitting here waiting for Jan to call me to set up a surg. date is driving me crazy!! I am off the wine….back on the food. I have been having last suppers for 2 weeks now. YOU know what I mean by last suppers? I am saying good-bye to post-op "no-no" foods. Good-bye Big Mac’s, good-bye pecan waffles from the WH, bye dbl whopper combo….the list goes on. I’m sure I’ve gain about 10 lbs. So here I sit NOT patiently awaiting the call.
June 1, 2006
I have a date!!! Alright everyone here is the latest. First of all I want to thank Ruth F. I know she worked hard to get me approved and that she was just as emotionally invested as I was. Tricare was giving me a little bit of a run-around. I don't know where the error was made but it seem to me like it was a glitch somewhere. They said my doc didn't request surgery...he said he did...they could see his request in the computer but it couldn't be accessed....I had a copy of the request....that type of thing. Anyway May 23rd Ruth called and said to me "this week I'm getting you approved". I faxed her everything I had and she went to work on it. May 25th she called me and said I WAS APPROVED!!! I screamed and she yelled and before I knew it we were both crying on the phone (bless her heart). I was going out of town so I made sure the staff had my cell phone number. Jan called me Friday morning and we set a date. JUNE 14 2006 is the day!!! I go in on june 8th for my pre-op test and I believe I start the 5 day fast on the 9th ( I'll let you know how THAT goes). But I am truly on my way. Praise God!!
June 2, 2006
Today I am sending a link to my profile to a few family members. I've been keeping this journal on OH because I've read so many other OH member profiles and they have help ME so much. I felt maybe I could be a help to someone out there if they come across my story. I don't think I originally intended to share this with my family, but I have just recently changed my mind. So much is going on in my personal life and family life right now that has nothing to do with my weight loss journey and most of my family knows about all of that. So now I am sharing the rest of my life with them by letting them be a part of my story. Maybe we'll talk about something that we were not comfortable talking about before. This is therapy for me. As I've grown bigger and bigger these last 10 years or so I've seen the concerned looks on the faces of loved ones. No one has ever mentioned to me that I'm 200lbs heavier than I was but I see the looks. I've always been a talkative and outgoing person around my family because that's what was expected. I've perfected the "I'm okay" front face. I only let them see what I want them to see....what they expect to see...so that THEY will be okay. As I go through this "metamorphosis" I'm changing. I am gonna BE thetalkative outgoing person I've been pretending to be. I'm gonna BE more confident. And when I am unhappy I am not gonna be too embarrassed to say so. Don't worry I am not a diva, I'm not gonna go crazy and I'm not out to hurt anyone.It's just that this butterfly has been in a cocoon for far to long and I'm ready to fly. So look out world...here comes the REAL me and to all my loved ones thank you for your support.
June7, 2006
7 more days!!! I start my fast in 2 days. It seems like so much is happening so fast. I've been working for a while to make some changes in my life and now it seems like everything is happening at the same time. I've been unemployed since June '05. I found out today I got the job I wanted. That means about 3 weeks post-op me and my kids will be moving away from FL. Dear hubby of 13 years has been real supportive of the surgery even though we've been having some relationship woes. But the time and opportunity has come...I am leaving . So I'm finally a little nervous but I am not sure what exactly I am nervous about. Well yes I do. I am finally standing up for myself. I'm starting over. I'm gonna be the ME that's been hiding under LAYERS of fat these last 10 years . New me, new place, new job. OH MY!!! Pray for me.
June 12, 2006
It has been a long day, not a bad day...just a long one. Today was bowel prep day. I won't go into details but if you are reading this and ever need to go through it remember to splurge on the softest tissue, pat don't wipe, have a good book and a cordless phone handy (mine rang every time I went in) and be patient. I have been fasting since Friday at 2am. It was suppose to be midnight but I was driving and I was in the middle of a bag of sweet and hot BBQ chips. every time I start feeling really hungry I stuff myself with Gatorade and Jell-O. But overall it's not so bad when I keep my goal in mind.
My pre-op appt was last Thursday. I thought I had gained since my 1st appt. I took my daughter with me she was excited about being included. When Dr Lord asked her if she knew what was going on she repeated what I had told her " "mommy's tummy is getting shrunk a little on the inside so she can shrink a lot on the outside". I had to weight and much to my surprise and despite the last suppers, I weight the exact same thing. 346.5 (like that's something to be proud of). My electronic scale hasn't worked for me since last year. It's max is 335. I got on it today and it said 338 (YEA!) it's working plus I've lost weight on this liquid diet. Well I think that's all for now...potty break time anyway (smile). I'll write tomorrow and let you know how I handled the antibiotics.
June 20, 2006
Thank you Jesus for bringing me to the loser side!!! Ok it's catch up time. I'll make this as quick as I can. The antibiotics didn't make me sick at all. I took the meds on a tummy full of Jell-O (thank you Jill for that tip). I had a Laparoscopic -RNY last Wednesday 6/14. I woke up to smiling faces that said everything went as it was suppose to. I felt fine, just a little sore, and very sleepy.I don't remember a whole lot from the 1st day but I do remember everyone I came in contact with was very nice. Day 2 6/15 I had my leak test (upper gi) at this point I hadn't had anything to drink by mouth in 32 hours, the chalky stuff I got to drink actually tasted good to me (lol). I started with my medicine cup of water and before the night I was up to 2oz of water in 30min. My nurses were great. The nurse assistant Leola was great. Margie and Valerie (part of the OH family) came to see me and they were great. My hubby was even great. I had a completely positive experience from check in to check out. Thank you all that made that possible.I have liquid Lortab for pain management and I haven't had to use it much except after my walks. I started walking laps around the nurses station the day of surgery and I have been walking everyday since. I try to walk at least 30 min ( not going for distance or speed yet) and I feel really tired when I am finished but not tired enough not to go again when I can.My Lap holes are healing fine. My steri-strips were peeling off so I called my Dr's office yesterday to make sure that was okay (it was). At night when I sleep they itch and in the morning when I first wake up they burn a little. I am sleeping okay just every now and then I feel an ache when I try to turn over too fast.
Meals: I am eating about 2-3 oz of food 3 times a day, not because I am hungry but because my nutritionist said "DON'T SKIP MEALS" and I am following ALL of the rules. I measure my food in Jell-o cups (2oz) and medicine cups(1oz). An example of a meal for me is 1 scrambled egg and 1oz of yogurt. Or 2 oz of cottage cheese (I actually LIKE the stuff now) and a spoonful of applesauce. Last night for dinner I had me a Jell-o cup full of mashed potatoes with butter and salt and it tasted like HEAVEN should feel. I felt guilty for eating it it tasted so good. BUT it's on my list of stage 3 foods so I wasn't cheating. All in all I feel great! I have a post-op appt tomorrow and I know I've lost about 20lbs (per MY scale) since my pre-op appt and even if I haven't I'll be okay because I know I am on my way.
June 22, 2006
I had my first post=op appointment. Everything is A-OKAY. He even gave me the go-ahead to start work when I felt like it. WOOHOO!! By his scale I've only lost 15lbs by mine 20lbs. Dr Lord said go by mine. NO PROBLEM! My holes are healing great. I was told to start my vitamins and meds (3 months liquid Pepsid and 6 months Actigall, to prevent gallstones, no more BP meds yeah!)
March 28, 2007
WOW!! What a ride this has been. I really didn't want to be one of those people that only write once every couple of months and I'll try to do better now. It's just that I no longer spend HOURS (it used to be close to 30 or 40 a week) at my computer. I am 9 months post op and I FEEL GREAT! I saw Dr Lord last Monday for the first time since August and I got a good report. I am mal-absorbing B-1 so that has been added to my daily vitamin list but other than that everything is great. I've been ordered to exercise 5 times a week and what my doctor says I do, so walking has been added to my daily to-do list. My chol. has dropped 30pts and my weight has dropped.....drumroll please.....I am missing 127 lbs!! (not really missing it ) Thank you Jesus (and Dr Lord). I am now wearing size 16 jeans. Jeans are about the only thing I will buy. I get a new pair every month ( after the butt in the old pair start sagging). I am still in MS living with my dad. He watches my kids while I work at night. I love my job, I love my friends here AND...I'm IN love. More about that later.
I have energy! I cannot just sit in front of the TV and do nothing anymore (except to watch Grey's Anatomy). I am outside everyday with my children. I now PARTISIPATE. I am no longer just a spectator. My co-workers now know what I've done and are always asking about my old self/new self. I hope whe they get tired of me telling them what I'm going through they tell me but I just can't help talking about it. But I am just so excited about everything. About life in general. I didn't realize how depressed I was until that cloud lifted. I have actually been pretending to live all of these years. No more pretending for this Butterfly I-AM-SOARING!!!
Now on to love....My and dear hubby are history. He has gone on with his "new Family" and I have gone on with mine. The kids are healthy and happy and they have access to both of us...and now they also have Chris and his son BJ.
I've falling in love with my friend Chris. I've known him all my life and had a crush on him YEARS ago. We've both been hurt deeply in past relationships and are just very happy we've found eachother. We renewed our friendship when I moved here last June and he's been very supportive with my progress, then last Sept. something clicked It's like I saw him for the first time. He claims he was just waiting patiently for me to come around (smile). Thank God...I have. The great part is that he knew and loved me when I was 346lbs and he's loving the heck out me now that I'm not.
April 11, 2007
Well it's the end of my 7day 12 hr shift work week. It was cold and I didn't do so hot this week. I didn't walk and I've been grazing. I'm the worst at work because there are always PB crackers of something there. I try to get a salad before I get there and I don't take money to work so I won't be tempted to go to the snack machine. I keep milk and protein powder there but working 7p - 7a I still have a time trying to figure out what time to eat "dinner", "lunch" etc. Anyway....
I uploaded some pictures this week. I am trying to do better about keeping my profile up to date. My friend Tina took some pic of me a few weeks ago. I'm having a little of an identity crisis. I don't "see" myself. I look at the old pics of me and I think that can't be me. I didn't know I was that big...I look at new pics of me and I don't recognize myself. I mean I feel good....I feel like I look good, but who IS this person (wearing pants that are too big now instead of too small)? I stood in front of the mirror today when I got out of the shower studying this "new me" . I have mixed feelings about "her". My breast look like they are melting and are gonna slide down to my tummy....which is sliding down to my crotch. My feet and legs look good to me and so do my arms for the most part. I see veins in my feet now. They were too poofy for that before. I wear a size 10 now instead of 11. That feels good. BUT my inner thighs...Uggghhh. They look like deflated pouches. I can hide stuff down there (smile). I said that losing the weight would be enough for me but now I find myself wondering about plastic surgery. I am still obsessed with before and after pics and I wonder on the ones that look really great...what did they have done? I'm trying to concentrate on how I feel...the how I look part is giving me fits. Chris says I look just fine and I know he means it but it's gonna take a while to wrap my head around it I guess.
April 21, 2007
Here I go I'm on day 3 of my seven work days. I seem to have more time to write on my work week than I do when I'm at home. Had a great week with the kids and last Saturday I found out I can still DOUBLE DUTCH.....lol. Yep my not-so-big-anymore-butt spent the day in the street with the kids jumping rope. Who would have thunk it. No knee probs, no back probs ( but I almost peed on myself once with all that jumping(blush) and only minor soreness Sunday. Now, jump rope is my new exercise and the whole family ( and half the neighborhood) is really into it. The kids are still my motivation...their mommy is the the coolest on the block "this week".
My ticker down there isn't moving (frown) I haven't lost any weight lately but I do notice my thighs are fitting better into my pants so I hope that means I'm gaining muscle mass...which I need a little of to combat this flab. I have 55 lbs to go and it seem like A LOT and a long way off. Never mind That I've lost over 100lbs in 9 months. I guess I need to stop putting so much pressure on myself.
I've been invited to a formal anniversary party in September. I hope I've reached goal by then so I can find something cute and sexy to wear. Not to mention Sept 4th will be 1 yr of dating for me cnd Chris (yes we WILL still be together then). And I'd love to reach my little Victoria Secret goal. More for me than him, he still says my size doesn't matter.
May 7, 2007
I am having the best day. I took my grandmother to run errands today and while she was waiting to have a presciption filled I went next door to Factory Connection and tried on some clothes. First of all in my "past life" this is nothing I would have just decided to do. I HATE tring on clothes in stores. ( I'd rather buy and take it back after I try it on at home if it doesn't fit.) Anyway I need shorts. I don't have any that fit and most places have the short shorts and I'm afraid my thigh "pooches" will show in those. ANYWAY.....I tried on size 16 and they were TOO BIG. (Singing) I can wear a 14...I can wear a 14...I can wear a 14. Yes that is worth repeating. This time last year i was SQUEEZING into size 28 sweat pants for my spring/summer gear. I didn't buy the shorts today because I'm broke (see I'm even tring on clothes I had no intention of buying) but Friday morning IT'S ON BABY.
Now this made my day but there is more....Chris came by to see me before I came to work. He gives the BEST hugs...anyway as he's holding me he puts his fingers together in the small of my back and his thumbs reach around my waist. AROUND MY WAIST! Now get this, I have been so discouraged because my scale still isn't moving I'm stuck in this little 5 lb range they will be gone one day and right back the next. Today I feel like throwing the damn thing out because it must be broke. It may not show up on my scale BUT my body is shrinking and I FEEL GREAT!! Like I said I am having the best day. I feel empowered....I feel sexy..hell I even feel a little slinky (like catwoman or somebody.) Well I just wanted someone to smile along with me today..hope I made YOU smile.
June 15, 2007
Happy 1 year anniversary to me!!!
I still feel great I feel like this was the best thing I could do for me and my family. I have stalled out around 220lbs BUT I'm fitting and feeling good in a size 14 and I think if the skin around my tummy and inner thighs could be removed ( i'm thinking about it) I'd be out of the 200's (my personal goal). I could aford to lose a few more #'s but I'm currently lacking the motivation to get on a reagular workout plan. I tried to reconnect with my fellow surgery buddies but I haven't made a real conection with any one yet and because I don't lie in FL I all but feel ignored when I do post. SOOOO I'm working on it still...I think I still have the psych. stuff to work out in my head. But Like I said I feel great. (patting myself on the back) This year has been one hell of a ride and there is more to come.
