Pixie Morgan

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Surgery was a breeze...didn't remember a thing after I got my "margarita" in my IV.  Now for the recovery, lol.  Woke up SORE and groggy.  I slept the whole day.  Woke up every hour or so, looked around and went back to sleep.  Didn't like morphine so was given dilaten or something that sounded like that which I also didn't like very much but stuck with it--a shot every two hours in my IV.  I got up to pee and walk around a little bit.  Pain was getting worse through the night shots weren't working very well and by morning I was in considerable pain.  I got picked up just a few minutes before I was due for my next shot and taken down to get a barium swallow done.  Well the doc got caught up doing something or other and took a long time to get there while I am sitting there in the wheelchair doing stage 1 lamaze breathing (in through the nose, out though the mouth) clutching my stomach up against my body because it feels like it's going to fall off to the left if I don't.  I am pale and sweaty, I feel shaky and I freaking hurt.  This was by far the very worst part.  Finally got the swallow done an hour later.  Back up to the room and get me some vicodin crushed.  It SO helped the pain.  Took another nap.  Keeping up with the vicodin, I was able to do two laps around the ward every hour.  I was TRYING to get some gas moving!  Was released to go home at 5 that evening. 
Slept in the recliner for two nights.  It took two days of walking walking walking as much as I could before I was starting to get weak to get the gas moving.  Took vicodin for those two days.  Switched over to liquid tylenol for two days and have been off pain meds since sat. night.  Pain levels get better by a LOT every day.  Plus I got the gas moving (toot toot all aboard!) and that is a total relief.  The belly feels all stretched out from the gas and it's a painful bit in itself...getting rid of some of that is so helpful.  It's 6 days postop today and I am feeling really good.  Especially in comparison, lol. 
I am on a liquid diet for two weeks.  It has been terribly difficult to get the fluids and protein in...however that gets better daily also.  I got in 64+ ounces yesterday.  I get really full on liquids and the carnation instant breakfasts (my protein shake) fill me up even longer.  Eating the same boring thing over and over gets old so fast!  This morning I put a tablespoon of peanut butter in my vanilla cib and 1/2 c. ice and blended it.  Its tasty! 

Well in the past couple of weeks, I have been trying to pay attention to body signals and I figured out what head hunger is.  Obviously I knew what it was intellectually but I have figured out the head games part of it.  To me it feels like addiction. 
I did quit smoking (yay me!) and have had to fight the little "want to smoke" demons but a little less each day.  Well then I wanted to eat (shocking I know, lol).  So I started realizing I have little "that tastes good eat more" demons too.  UNLESS I am having a hypoglycemic low blood sugar episode, I have these little nice body signals that say oh we're good to go.  I pay attention to them now.  Of course when I am having a low blood sugar episode, nothing matters but to get that blood sugar up.  And until it comes up, my body will scream for more food even if the stomach says it's full.  I have learned how to eat a serving and wait for the blood sugar rise (which is very hard by the way). 
ANYWAY, back to head hunger...so my body gives me little signals and my head starts "talking" to me.  "This is such good food, you still have more, eat it, tastes good.  You can't WASTE that food, it costs money!  What's another couple of bites?"  "oh that food on that commercial looks goooood."  There are MANY more things but you get the idea.  Then my conscience (which is highly educated, lol) starts talking too.  "Moment on the lips, forever on the hips"  "Look, body is satisfied, go find something to do and you will be fine in a few minutes" and "It's OKAY to waste food sometimes!!"  So I'm figuring out how to listen to my body more and am taking on some good things to transfer my obsessions to.  (Family activities, scrapbooking, reorganizing the house).  Exercise should be on that list and I am saving that issue for another blog. 

Well, I went to my first preop appt yesterday and it was long.  A lot of waiting which required a lot of patience.  Military hospitals are like that though and I know it so I should have brought me a book.  Anyway, I got all excited again.  I have to start a liquid diet and I have another preop appt which includes the anesthesiologist, ekg test, and lab tests.  So close! 

I will be having surgery April 29th!!  It's only 11 months from my original supposed to have surgery date, lol. 
I stopped coming here because I was being impatient with the waiting.  Let this be a lesson...I quit "dieting" (thank god I didn't gain weight) and didn't quit smoking (but now I have to b/c I will be tested and smoker=no surgery).  I started coming here again to keep myself on track so I'm just getting ready for surgery.  So excited! 

Well yesterday I went for my pap smear and called the bariatric clinic.  I was told they will be watching for the results to put in my file and that the current waiting list is now (unofficially) three months.  So I am looking at a surgery date in three to four months.  Well I hope so.  We are not allowed to gain any weight from the orientation appointment so I am going to continue sticking to my diet and waiting patiently for my surgery date.  I will have to go on a two week liquid diet before surgery to shrink the liver.  Any weight I lose will be bonus!  I love bonuses   I'm excited, ready to go, all done wishy washing around with surgery choices and in an excellent mood today.  I am gung ho ready to go. 

Now I know I am certainly not the only one who hopes and prays that I won't be one of those who doesn't feel much restriction and loses really slowly.  I believe I mentioned before that I will actually be pissed off if I turn out to be a slow ass loser.  So I sit here, hoping that I will be one of the ones who has a modicum of self control and loses weight fairly quickly.  As evidenced by my blog yesterday however....self control is not something I have a ton of.  People post all the time about how food no longer controls them--seriously??  Well I hope hope hope that will be me. 
edited to add:  speaking of self control, when hubby got home yesterday I raided his truck and found a pack of smokes, scuttled off with one and smoked it.  Also didn't exercise.  I ate okay except for at lunch time when I made egg noodles for the kids I quickly scarfed down three huge bites like I was a criminal. 

So this morning I smoked my last cigarette.  I have quit several times before and always quit cold turkey.  I quit for a while a couple months ago and started again (wth?).  So this morning I quit again and am not messing around anymore...it would be very very bad for surgery.  Hubby is a little bit of an enabler...he gives in really quick to my grouchiness when I say I want a cigarette he brings me home some.  So I am not going to ask him for any.  It's on me like it should be. 
Started eating carbs again and have gained two pounds.  Well those are gone today too.  I am trying to kickstart myself now...everything I do now can only help me in my journey.  I am going back to practicing eating slowly, chewing a lot, and getting ready for my surgery.  I have my last appt. on Friday (pap smear) and I call the surgery clinic and they put me on the waiting list.  4-8 weeks and I will have surgery so I need to be ready. 
I continue to roll back and forth in my mind about rny vs lapband.  Husband is really only supportive about lapband.  I understand...he feels it is the safer surgery and that it will work for me if I work it.  There is no easy way out.  I have four kids and I have to be around for them for a long time to come. 
Still haven't started the treadmill :(  I have only started dancing with energy to get my heart rate up and I do sweat so it's some exercise anyway.  I'm sorry to say I don't like exercising and will need to do some work on that with myself.  I bought some toning bands last week that are still sitting in the box on the treadmill.   Ten minutes a day with those, how hard can it be?  It's my mental procrastination I have to fight on that one. 
So, today...fight the cravings, eat well, and do ten minutes of exercise...that's my goal. 

well, it's a good mood for me today.  i thought about it all and i am back on board with my lapband surgery.  I know what I went through making my decision and I guess I just needed to remind myself.  I have to go to a support group meeting wed. evening and have my pap smear on friday and they will put me on the waiting list.  they told me it was a short list right now and i should be getting a date within month of completing all my requirements.  it was those damn ds/lapband wars that got me all freaked out   anyway, have been on a "diet" and have lost anywhere between 3 lbs and 14 lbs in the past month.  depends on how my scale matches up with the docs scale.  i have lost 3 lbs on my scale in the past two weeks.  i am going to get a new scale though...a digital one so i can see more accurate numbers.  note to anyone:  do not  buy cheap a$$ spring scales. 

I don't want to sound like I am always negative, lol...but here's my negative thinking.  I will be pissed off if I am a slow loser.  That is the HONEST truth.  From my last blog...what should I do??  I know I am the only one who can make that choice for myself so I have some thinking to do...again. 

I have choices.  My Dr. will do either lapband or rny and it's my choice.  I originally went for the rny because that was all that was offered before I moved (military move).  When I got here, I went to the rny briefing and heard them say that they do lapband also.  Originally that was what I had wanted but since it was not covered by my ins. I decided that I would deal with the fear of malnutrition issues and go ahead with rny.  Once I heard that they do lapband here and it was covered, I asked to be switched to the lapband program.  Now I have researched lapband to death just like I did they rny and I am getting scared.  I am scared I am going to fail. 
Yo yo dieting...losing then gaining more than I lost to begin with has been the norm for me for 14 years now.  What I know is I can't do it on my own, I fail and I am scared to death I will fail again.  Will I be able to deal with "bandster hell"?  If I don't have proper restriction, will I give up and start eating crap again?  Honestly, this is where I have always failed my diets...I get too hungry, the scale doesn't move, my smaller clothes that I bought to fit into a few pounds down the scale never fit, I get disappointed and start feeling like f**k it because the junk tastes so good and it's so easy.
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