mmeadows

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So I still haven't had my surgery yet. When I arrived at the hospital on the day of the surgery I waited about 20 minutes before the front desk told me I had a call from bariatrics. I took the phone and listened to them tell me that because my psychiatrist hadn't signed off on it I wasn't eligible for the surgery because they're a center of excellence. I just wished they would have told me before I showed up. A woman even called the day before to make sure I was coming for surgery. So what did I do? I lost hope, started smoking again, immediately went off the pre-op diet and ate my way through my feelings. I lost ten pounds on my pre-op diet, but I've probably gained it all back now.

As things stand, I have to wait until my psychiatrist appointment on the 19th until I can even think of rescheduling the surgery. Which is frustrating, because I was all ready to go and now the doubts have been creeping back in, fostered largely by people I know who say I just need to lose weight the natural way. It seems like a lot of people have horror stories that they want to tell to me about someone they knew who it went badly for. There are very few people, perhaps none, that I would say fully support me. People are worried, I understand that, but it only causes me to worry more.

My mom keeps bringing up to me how hard it is for me to quit smoking. I know of the risks, but I also know a woman who had the surgery who smokes. And my ex smoked before and after. I want to quit but so many people smoke, and I keep getting drawn back in.

Overall though it doesn't seem real to me that I'm actually going to have the surgery. It probably won't until I talk to my psychiatrist and figure out what's going on in that department.

In a little over 2 hours I have to stop eating for my surgery tomorrow. It still hasn't sank in yet that I'm having it tomorrow. Even though I did take my dad to the duck pond in the cemetery where I would like to be interred today. And I found the quote I'd like on my tombstone. Otherwise I'm pretty scared of death, but if I do die chances are that I won't know it. I'd rather wake up with people all around me cheering me on and get through the first difficult weeks. That is the positive that I am looking towards. I am looking forward to starting a new life and getting this weight off of me. Lots of people have wished me well on facebook and I'll have my phone to text whenever I'm conscious. But I bet I'm going to be going through some severe internet withdrawal.

I have my alarm set for 7 AM. I have to be at the hospital at 9:15 AM, which means leaving at about 8:45. Surgery will be at 11:15 and I'll (hopefully) be waking up at 2:30 or so. I wonder if I'll be hungry. The smell of barbecue just wafted through my nose and I had premonitions of living a different way than I have been- which is cheating on my pre-op diet. I had pizza yesterday (albeit vegeterian), and a big mac meal today. In less than 24 hours I'll already have started a different relationship with my stomach, with my altered stomach.

I'm an indecisive wishy-washy person. There. I've said it. There's something that keeps echoing in my brain as I read about surgery. Why can't I do this without surgery? Why can't I just pass up that piece of cake, eat smaller portions, do it myself. Why do I have to do something so drastic as have weight loss surgery? A lot of this second guessing myself are echoes of what other people tell me. I don't know the answer to my qualms, I just tell myself over and over the reasons for having surgery. And  the biggest one is that it has become painful to move. I'm so big that my exercise choices are very limited. For instance, I couldn't have the treadmill stress test today because I can't walk very far without my back telling me it's gonna shut down. So I had the medicine test instead. I'm tired of justifying my reasons to everybody over and over again. I'm sick of hearing that I should just go on a diet. But still there's that little nagging doubt in my head saying: why do you need surgery? Are you that weak? I don't know how to dispel these thoughts. Maybe that's why I should see a therapist.

On the positive side I've finished my last pre-op test today. Now all that's left is to get clearance from my psychiatrist. I'm a little nervous about it since I just started seeing him, having just moved back up here from West Virginia. I keep thinking: what if it's postponed again, what if they say I need to go to so many counseling sessions beforehand. I guess I just have to believe that everything has its reasons, and if it is postponed again there will be good ones.

Meanwhile I'm quitting smoking again, which is probably where a lot of these issues are coming from. Things tend to become exaggerated when I don't have cigarettes to deal with things. And what about when I don't have food? I'll surely need someone to talk to about all the emotions that crop up. I think I'll ask for a referral from either my primary care physician or my psychiatrist the next time I see them (which is soon).

I really screwed up on my plans to quit smoking. I'd been nicotine free for two weeks and then I go and hang around with my friends that do smoke and end up starting again. First I just bummed a couple off of them, but then I got a taste for it and went and picked up a pack of my own. I tried calling Dr. Teal's nurse today, but the office was already closed. I'm planning on telling them that I've been smoking again, and I know this will probably result in the postponing of my surgery until a month from now... in May. It's so hard to be around people who smoke... the temptation is almost too hard to control. I'm disappointed in myself. But as of now I have no more cigarettes left, and no intention of buying any. I do need to pick up some more sugar free gum (Orbit is my favorite) for my quitting efforts.

I'd been trying to stick to my pre-op diet this week. Doctors orders are three carnation breakfasts a day, 2 healthy choice (or equivalent) meals a day, 2 cups of vegetables and 64 ounces of water. I never came close to meeting the water requirement. It's just so hard to drink that much water a day! I did cheat a few days. Pizza one day, burgers on another. I'm no good at dieting; it feels too much like starving.

My stress test is scheduled for Monday. It was scheduled for tomorrow, but I forgot that I was supposed to quit taking beta blockers 48 hours ahead of time so I had to reschedule.it. My biggest fear is that the surgeon is going to cancel my surgery altogether because it doesn't seem like I'm serious about it. And I wonder as well if part of the reason I cheated on quitting was out of some latent fear of the surgical procedure itself.

Today was a full day, in that I was at Miami Valley Hospital from 6:30 in the morning until about 3:00. It was mostly for pre-op testing. I had a full blood panel drawn, an EKG, and chest X-ray. I met with a hospitalist who recommended that I undergo a stress test at some time prior to my surgery. There was also a nursing class and a nutrition class. In the nursing class we went through all the apparatuses to get used to during our inpatient stay, such as these things they keep on your legs to prevent blood clots from forming. They gave us an incentive spirometer as well to practice our breathing and keep our lungs healthy prior to surgery. In the nutrition class we got to test different types of protein drinks. Unjury chicken noodle flavored is yummy, while some others were not so yummy. There's honestly so many protein drinks out there that I have no idea how I'm going to choose one that I actually like without shelling out money I don't have. They sent us home with five sample packets of protein, including Unjury vanilla. Hopefully I'll like that and can pick up a tub online.

I couldn't eat prior to going in, and having breakfast there reminded me of my time spent in the psych ward. Unlike the psych ward however there were TVs, and things to read/study which was good because there was a lot of down time where nothing at all was going on. Tomorrow I have to quit eating after breakfast, and then for the rest of the day I can have nothing but broth, jello and popsicles. This is in preparation for my EGD on Thursday.

I feel excited about the process atm, but I still can't help the nagging feeling in my head that this is a form of self-mutilation. I watched a documentary called Hungry for Change recently that highlights all the wrongs in the food industry. It can all pretty much be summarized by how they study obesity in mice. Mice aren't obese naturally, so to study obesity they have to make them obese. And how do they do this? By feeding them processed foods, which is what is readily available (and cheap) in our society. We exist in a culture that's addicted to salt and sugar, and we raise our kids on this crap, somehow ignorantly expecting that having little or no nutritional concepts in our formative years won't make a difference.

According to the surgeon's stipulations, I'm trying to give up nicotine once and for all. I was using electronic cigarettes, but I haven't even had any of those for 6 days. Boy, it's hard. I've been feeling a worsening of my depression, and problems doing anything other than sleeping most of the day.

As to my upcoming appointments at Miami Valley Hospital, I have an appointment for an EGD next Thursday. Apparently I'm supposed to stop eating after breakfast on Wednesday. Then after that I can have jello, popsicles, broth and other liquids until midnight. I hate fasting; I always feel sick if I don't eat regularly. Tuesday is my pre-op testing, which I go in at 6:30 AM for and should last all day. On that day I also meet with the nutrionist. I can't eat after 12 AM Tuesday and I can't take my meds that day until sometime after my testing is done. Monday I meet with the surgeon to discuss my pre-op diet. I guess that means no more pizza.

I've been eating fatty food like someone who's never gonna see it again. Tonight we had Papa John's pizza, which was 50% off, so good price, but a heavy price for my body. I did find a replacement (ie healthy) recipe for pizza post-surgery, so that consoles me a bit. Still, there is seemingly no replacement for Chinese food... one of my favorite foods being Wor Shu Gai, which I've also found as Hong Kong Chicken, or simply Peanut butter chicken. If I could find a way to make that in a healthy way I'd be a happy camper. My last supper to say goodbye to my old way of living will be Monday, post appointment. My brother and mom and I are going to go to Red Lobster... I love crab legs. Food has been my best friend for so long that it's hard for me to imagine not having it as an outlet anymore. Who's there for me at 2:00 in the morning when I'm feeling lonely? Hamburgers and shakes, that's who! Which just goes to show how I need to get better at this life thing and find a therapist to help me deal with my emotional eating.

As I've been preparing for surgery lately I've had a lot of emotions and thoughts to deal with. A video I came across on youtube about a friend's death from lap band surgery (not the type I'm having, but the risk is still there) echoed some of the thoughts I've been having. It's the most drastic measure I have ever taken to lose weight, and it does seem a bit like self-mutilation when considering that my stomach will be forever altered. I suppose I combat these thoughts with ones of how commonplace it has become. I know, or know of many people who have had the surgery, and have successfully lost (a lot of) weight. Yet still I find myself second guessing my choice. It's a major life changer. After surgery I will forever have to be on supplements (calcium, vitamin D, iron and multivitamins). There's so many things about eating with a surgically altered stomach that I will have to learn. I can't eat and drink at the same time, I have to chew up my food completely because I won't have any stomach acids. I can't smoke. Even now I'm still nicotine dependent as I'm still using electronic cigarettes. That has to stop, and very soon because my surgery is scheduled for the 24th.

Ever since I made this choice I've been eating like I'm never going to eat again, which, as I've read, is quite common. My mom's going to take me out to Red Lobster as part of my farewell to food tour. I can't imagine never eating Chinese food again either, so I've been having a lot of it. I've been realizing how much of the food I eat I'm never going to be able to have again. I'm definitely not going to be able to bury my emotions in food anymore, so I suppose now might be a good time to get back into therapy. I'll be on a liquid diet for almost an entire month post-op. The fact that the surgery can be fatal is something that hasn't slipped my mind, but again I tell myself of all the people I've known that have made it through successfully, and that the hospital I'm going to hasn't had any fatalities on their record.

I try to keep in mind the reasons I have for doing this, mostly that I'm so overweight that daily tasks have become overwhelming. I have so much physical pain every day that prevents me from most forms of exercise. I'm tired of losing weight only to gain it back, plus more. I have what are called co-morbities of obesity, including sleep apnea, osteoarthritis, hypertension, and type II diabetes. I need something that forces me to make a lifestyle change and won't relent when I try to backpedal. Yet I'm still afraid of all that this entails. I've never been through surgery before and having my body opened up, even if it's laparoscopy, still frightens me. Change frightens me. But the way that I've been living existing lately also frightens me. And so the journey begins...