mandacharm

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 I've been sitting here feeling sorry for myself for the last couple of days. I'm so angry about all of the things I'm giving up. I miss my junk food & want it so bad. Normally when I have time off I stock up on my favorite foods & then spend the time gorging myself. Well, for obvious reasons I can't exactly do that now & am extremely bitter about it. I feel weak, apart of me wishes I'd never started this & just stayed the way I was. Even though I was unhappy I was content in some weird way. With all these negative urges & thoughts swirling around in my little head I made the decision to see a therapist. She seems nice from the phone conversation we had & she specializes in eating disorders. I made the appt for this sat so we'll see how that goes. Between now & then I'm going to focus on the positive & distract myself any way that I can.

 I totally over did it yesterday & am definitely feeling it today. I went for my daily 30 min walk even though I was actually in pain & when I got home took some pain meds. I really fought taking a nap cause I'm honestly tired of sleeping. Then my mom came over & we went to a couple stores for pet supplies. I didn't realize driving around & then walking through the stores would wipe me out like that. By the time I got home I was dead on me feet. Then my dumb dog kept me up late last night so I'm pretty tired today. This low energy thing is really starting to get on my nerves. I'm off work right now for all this & there's actually stuff I'd like to get done, but it seems as soon as I get up to start a chore I'm out for the count. I'm told this well get better as time goes by. On a separate note I finally expressed my feeling about my family being a bit over bearing. I just told my mom look I'm doing my best,I know what I need to be doing, & I really don't need to be reminded\lectured every time I talk to any of you. Even though it was a bit awkward for me to bring it up I feel so much better. A total weight's been lifted from my shoulders. Its important to me that they see me as an adult who can take care of herself. On that note now I'm gonna force myself to go take my 30 min walk for the day, fun times.

Today I'm feeling a lot better & more stable. I have a feeling that every day is gonna get just a little bit better & hopefully I'll continue not just to feel stronger physically  but emotionally as  well. I'm definitely in the "mourning" phase & kind of miss my old life before all this started. Even though I was completely miserable & ashamed of myself then, I still miss it in some strange way. I'm so lucky to have a fab support group of friends & family behind me or I'd definitely be going insane. The only thing that's been bugging me is that now that I've had the surgery everyone has an opinion on what I need to do to become healthy. All week every sentence has started w/you need to or you should be. I never realized how annoying that is & it actually makes you want to the complete opposite. I just keep reminding myself that it all comes from a place of love & concern. They don't intend it to come out bossy or condescending. I'm gonna go w/this more positive view/mood & hope it sticks for a while.

 Ok, I was pretty prepared for the pain that'd come w/the surgery but I was so not ready for how emotional I'd be. My feeling have been all over the place. One-second I'm fine then I'm near tears. I'm sure its all the stress finally catching up on me. This has been one of the most overwhelming experiences of my life. I just keep reminding myself that I just had the surgery tues & I need to give myself some time to heal & adjust. Hopefully everything well level out soon & I'll feel "normal" again soon.