laydcherry

Send Message

Block

Add Friend

OK so I'm a little nervous i want to loose 20 more lbs or 30 right now i am at 180.2 this morning i weighed my self i went to my sis n laws baby's shower and for some reason i felt like i was huge compared to my sister in law not the pregnant one! maybe it was the way she was trying to flaunt she had lost a little weight asking me how did i weigh and she was this much and i was like big deal!! so i am gonna start the new shakes ! asap i went to old navy today and was disgusted by my self in the mirror yes i have lost 120lbs but the skin it just out right ridiculous! i feel like i look like a 60 yo lady i heard a rumor too at my job i heard they r gonna hire one of the managers sons and then he is gonna get his xray license and then they r gonna let me go i figure i should start saving money i have to quit shopping! i have to do this for my family! i am so worried i cant stand feeling this way it makes me wanna eat and eat and eat i did pretty well today  i have part of a salad and a cup of coffee and a piece of pineapple and a piece of bread and a water  OK maybe now i look at it i didn't do very well i just need to do this i need to get on track and win whats mine i worked way harder then her! 

 ok so im trying to get pregnant again im taking this vitex supplement. i hope it works on it about a month i took a opk test and it came positive on the 9th ill wait two weeks and test for pg hopefully i get a bfp u never know thought cause i have pcos they say it could mess up the opk i hope it was a true positive my lh was 8.1 before and after it was 9. 3 i believe lets see what happens i will kepp you updated 

today i went to kmart my sister in law liz is having a baby she was exactly one month behind me. i told steve i was gonna go to look at the baby clothes and maybe put some on layaway for her i was walking to the baby section i was thinking to my ? self the whole way over there what the heck r u doing ? can you handle this will i break down in the middle of the isle? i kept walking i guess my body and my mind r like two different people my mind says one thing and my body does another i get to the baby section i start putting little girl stuff in the cart thinking of my baby was gonna be born this is what i would want then i saw the little boy clothes i walked past them i saw them but i pretended like it was that person who your mad at and you see at the store but you ignore them like its gonna hurt them like they hurt you ! lol i walked past pretending to ignore then i thought about my baby and i had this thought of still buying his clothes like if he was still coming  i went away from the baby clothes and i was in the stroller section then steve waled up on me he says what are you doing over here are you crying i said no why would i be crying like if we both didnt remember what happened i told him should i buy all this stuff. my cart had quite a few items in it he says if you want then i thought maybe i wasnt buying them for liz but buying them for my self thinking like if they were my babys clothes the hardest part of being there was when i got to the precious planet theme i wanted to just hold it and touch it and say ohhh im gonna buy this for him or im gonna buy all that. in a way im glad i didnt buy very much for the baby i only bought 2 outfits cute ones too i already out them away you know i still have his shoes in the car i never took them out i dont think i even want to tough them. im angry at god, but i know its not gods fault  ray said something to me that made a light go on. i told him im such a good person why would god do that to me ray. he says well we think we are good people but really we are rotten we sin alot and we do alot of wrong to others and dont realize it he was talking to me about god and church and other things it made me wanna go to church so i could feel how he did he said he isent affraid of anyone or anything because he has god on his side i wanna feel like that im scared to get pregnant again i dont want to do what i had to do with adrian to see him sitting there heart beating and them not doing anything saying he is too small. i understand but im still sad i dont think i will ever get over the loss

i found out why i was craving chips cause i was pregnant found out july 30th at night i was sooo excited then i hit 5 months and i was having pain on 11.11.09 i felt like i was in labor i woke my husband at 2:30 i felt bad waking him up i told him i felt like i was in labor i told him i think we need to go to the hospial he said i was trippen but if i felt i needed to go lets go he took me i went to the e.r the e.r says your 5 months go to labor and delivery i went to land d and of course they tell me im 4 days away from being 5 months so i need to go back to e.r i go back to e.r and they are pissed they take me i am there for 15 hours i went to ultrasound the doctor wants to check the baby to make sure he is ok. yeah it was a he =) we were so excited!. went to ultrasound was talking to the tech asking if something was wrong. he told me he couldnt tell me BUT WARNED ME DONT LEAVE. i knew right then something was wrong the doctor came in my husband went to get a snack and they wouldnt let him back in the room i was so upset. i was by myself! he was texting me tell them to let me in i said ok went and grabbed him from the lobby i was so upset. he asked whats wrtong i told him the baby is falling out they are admitting me i was there for the next 15 hours till they admitted me i got admitted i was so mad aybe if they admitted me sooner they could have saved him the doctor said no i wasd already at 7 cm they were suprised i didnt have the baby in the parking lot walking in. they told me they were gonna have a whole team of people there to help him when he came they made me lay down i wasnt allowed to get up i had to use a bed pan i could only sit up to eat about 5 30 the next day i went into labor full blown labor i had him in about 20 minutes worst pain i ever had! but he was beautiful the nurse said im sorry he is to small to save we dont have anything small enough and he does not have lungs developed  enough i understand i said i was hysterical my baby my first baby! why why did god do this to me what had i done to other people for god to take my baby people came to prey and help us i wanted to tell them to leave god doesnt help me for some reason. but appriciated it. they doctor could only tell me im sorry my dear! i wanted to tell him fuck you you could have prevented this why did god do this to me why! its been 2 weeks i wanna go back to work! i need money im gonnna try again this time i have to get a cerclage i put all my stuff away baby clothes things like that it hurt me so bad my poor adrian hayes najera he died he is with jesus but why did that happen to me one nurse had the nerve to tell me its because of your surgery wait till you loose all your weight before you get pregnant again bitch i have lost 125lbs and your gonna tell me your so rude get out! i wanted but didnt! the doctor came in and said its not cause of your surgery maybe due to stress ohh yeah stress in my middle name alexis is giving me so many problems my stpe daughter i secrectly blame her but dont tell her i hate her right now she made me so angry so many imes she did it then i say to my self stop blameing people and just get over it he is gone! never coming back you spent one hour of life when him value that! i do i love you lil baby your daddy loves you very much too he crys all the time behind every ones back i love you lil baby i will always love you im sorry i couldnt give you more! it wasnt my fault if i knew i would have saved you sooner

i went to the doctor today he said i have lost 75 lbs since january and now he wants me to loose 75 more before january i hope i can do i went walking today ate a square of cheese 2 hard boiled eggs 30 oz of water a pack of jerky i felt good all day i told my doctor about my chip fetish i cant get over it i love chips at one point thats all i could keep down cause of the salt he said i am craving salt i wonder why .......

i went scrub shopping i was so large i was getting tight in a 3x i thought i was gonna have to go to 4x where on earth would i get them walmart only carries 3x. i went and tried them on i wear a xl in tops and a large in bottoms i felt so so good now i have to get to a medium!

well i joined 24 hour fitness i love it there  it is a awesome place aside from the guy who signs you up is against weight loss surgery. i keep telling him the benefits and he just has some lame excuse how everyone can do it on there own. me and my friend veronica go everyday or at least try to she really pushes me "thanks vero" she says i push her too i haven't been eat-ting real well i need to get straight after all i had surgery for a reason. i feel OK some times i get depressed. today we went to a baby shower kinda bothered me.... =( i think my hubby noticed too. i am at a plateau right now i fluctuate from 227 to 230. i started eating protein bars i really like the Atkins one with less then 1 gram of sugar and like 18 grams of protein i think i could live off of the peanut butter and chocolate its awesome! we moved to our new home i like it although0ugh i am obsessed with looking at my self in the mirrors in the master bath. i am pulling and stretching and tugging on skin and thinking when will this go away i am happy i had my surgery it was a tough journey i hadn't realized my addiction to food until i had the surgery and then i realized how and what food did for me it was a struggle and it still is the other day  i went to McDonald's with my husband lol i know i know i shouldn't go to McDonald's but i said ill just eat the hamburger patty's and cheese well we drive up and my mind starts to go crazy i think OK double cheese burger i eat the patty and give the rest to my dogs lol No i told my husband what did he want he replied 3 do9double cheese burgers i thought I'm jealous lol i but said OK then she said anything else i said yeah gimme a quarter pounder with cheese! WHAT THE HELL DID I JUST SAY! my brain argued with my mind and said you cant eat that! and my mind said WATCH ME! i couldn't help my self i wanted a QP WITH CHEESE! i tell my hubby lets go to target and we will eat in the car and then go shopping lol...... i start eating tasted not so good like it used to i kept eating bread and all.. then i started to feel funny i said lemme take off the bread and see if that helps so i am eat ting the Patty's like i should have been doing in the first place HELL0! I START TO FEEL MY STOMACH FEEL FUNKY I IGNORED IT I SAID BABE CAN I HAVE A DRINK OF YOUR COKE!! AGAIN WHAT IN THE HELL DID I JUST SAY AND I DRANK A SIP  I STARTED TO BURP I FELT IT COMING TOLD MY HUBBY HE BETTER TAKE HIS CHEESE BURGER OUT OF THAT BAG HE SAID WHHHHAT I SAID HURRY HE TOOK IT OUT JUMPED OUT OF THE TRUCK AND I LET THAT BAG HAVE IT. LIKE IT WAS THE 1 WHO MADE ME ORDER THAT QP WITH CHEESE I COULD NT STOP BARFING NEVER AGAIN MC DONALD'S WE ARE OVER WE DON'T HAVE THAT RELATIONSHIP WE USED TO WE ARE OVER AND IF I GO BACK THEN I AM LIKE A BATTERED WOMAN WHO KEEPS RETURNING TO HER ABUSER . I SHOULD HAVE LISTENED TO MY BRAIN AND NOT LET MY MIND CONTROL ME GOOD NIGHT

i am down to 250 i feel good i hate that i cant eat anything it sometimes gets frustrateing i love in and our protein burger thats my fav!!! i rip off the lettuce and eat the meat! and cheese and grilled onions lol

i have not lost any weight after looseing my 17lbs i am eating everything the doctor tells me  im takimng my vitamens i am walking daily im getting frustrated i want to eat normal since im not looseing any weight, thats what i keep telling my self i should go and get pork nachos with jalapeno AM I CRAZY! my scale at home says im not looseing another thing i am starving all the time my stomach is hungry not my head i eat and i need to eat again cause im starving i dont eat again i just drink water why am i feeling this way i go see the doctor on tuesday i dont want to hurt myself by eating carbs althought i am craving them so bad i have pcos thats another reason i am craving im insulin resistant so my cells are not getting insulin from what i am eating  so in return my cells are saying please feed us cause we didnt get any insulin in us well in turn that makes me starve IM HUNGRY IM HUNGRY RIGHT NOW IM GONNA EAT A CHICKEN  THIGH A VERY SMALL ONE BUT I NEVER HEARD OF THIS HAS ANYONE ELSE STARVED!????

well i feel better health wise no pain on my joints no back pain no feet pain but i have pain in my soul i feel depressed i dont like feeling this way im gettting tired of just eating meat cheese and eggs and fish its hard  i want to makea cook book for those patients they  dont tell you shit baout how to eat. so here i am eating my cheese cubes and talapia fish and tuna and chicken and soup and im tired of not being able to change it up i want a sandwitch i know its my head not my tummy ibut i keep finding i am telling my self stop at the bakery and buy a little cake see if you dump ohh who cares whats a little vomitting and im like argueingw ith my self saying nooooooooooo i am not going to the bakery i had this surgery to be healthy and my unhealthy mind keeps working against me how do we shut it off not leave the house dont pass by mc donalds dont drive on the streets i need to have more will power. dont get me wrong i have not ate fast food with the exception of some chinese meat ie:teriyaki chicken with no sauce and some sweet and sour pork was i retarded i dumped and i dumped hard i couldnt stand it i need to stay with the egg drop soup and stop thinking i am wonderwoman i also need to get my fat ass off the couch and start walking every day thats probley why i am not looseing like i want well all we are in this together and i will continue my journey to lead to a healthy life style even thought i my dirty little mind haunts me =)