kikib

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Vanity sizing affects you more when you're smaller. I fit into a size 6 skirt/dress at old navy/banana republic.. some other stores i need a 12! Some brands a 12 doesn't even fit! I guess we shall avoid those brands and stick to the ones that fit. And then the retailers who practice vanity sizing win!

I'm officially a size 10. Yay!!  Single digits here I come!

You know what feels weird? Going shopping and not looking for the biggest size available. That feels really weird. I can't say it feels soooo great.. because while it does feel good, its also very confusing (and can be disappointing at times when something is cut smaller and you need to go up a size). I definitely need to try on more things these days.. before if something didn't fit, well that was that because I couldn't go up a size (without going to a plus size store, which I categorically refused to do, except for one time when I desperately needed a top for an event). Now I can try my size, which is 12 these days, I could possible go up one or down one.. more stuff to try on. Shopping will take 50% longer now. Could I be more of a negative nelly??? Hahahah

So at this point, it's been 5 months.. I am down about 55 lbs.. I have tried on and successfully fit into one pair of high end jeans. People at work can't stop raving about the way I look. I know in my head that I'm different than I was a few months ago. I know it.. I just find it hard to remember. 

I promised myself that when I lost weight things would be different. I would have confidence, I would go out and do things.. I wouldn't be lazy, because the things I was lazy about wouldn't take nearly as much effort as they did when I was heavier. I told myself I would be happy at any weight lower than my heaviest. But here I am.. no confidence.. procrastinating asking for the things that I want in my life.. waiting to lose another 25lbs before I can be "officially happy" and then what.. then it'll be another 15.. and another 10. Will I ever be happy?

Exactly 3 months today... I really need to lose another 10 lbs before I feel officially "not obese". My weight is coming off super slowly.. I haven't lost anything in 2 weeks! It's really frustrating. Not that I really do anything to make it happen faster. 
I've become lactose intolerant. I get nauseous and bloated from dairy. This really sucks because I looooved dairy. Now I have to do without. Oh well.  I'm also really craving sweets. I think it's because I'm pretty stressed out lately. This irritates me to no end.. The one thing I hoped I wouldn't crave is the only thing I still really want. But at least I don't want to eat fried foods! 
It's weird, I mean I thought I would feel great emotionally after losing 40lbs but all I can think of is that I'm still 10 lbs away from my previous thinnest weight and once I get there I'll feel like I'm making progress. Right now I'm still trying to undo the damage of the last 4 years of weight gain from that time.
Maybe I just need some new clothes to make me feel better but I really don't have the money to buy any, especially since (hopefully) I won't fit into them fairly soon!

Tomorrow will be exactly 2 weeks since surgery. It has gone by soooo slowly, its torture. I cannot wait to go back to work, back to civilization. I feel kind of trapped at home, although nothing is holding me back from going out... I guess I just don't know what to do with myself. 
The pains are slowly going away. I removed all the bandages already and for some reason that made me feel better. I'd say that I'm functioning at about 90%. My stomache still looks ugly, like a botched liposuction but I think it's getting better. Well maybe its just getting smaller so it looks better.

      I'm back from the hospital (what a dreadful experience, I hated being there). My stomache feels weird, I'm not sure whether or not I'm hungry. I hate waiting half an hour between drinking and eating because its hard to remember to do those thing, and take my pills because then every half hour I have to be in the kitchen, which makes me a little nauseous. I'm taking half the prescribed dose of percocet and I still feel kind of dizzy and uncoordinated. I can't wait to not need it anymore. I'm trying to be active and not lay around too much. I'm making my bed, tidying up after myself, showering, even putting on a bit of makeup. I feel like maybe a lot of it is mental.. If I act like I'm well, I'll get well faster. That said, I'm such a mess. I have black and blues on my legs from the Heparin shots, sticky bits of glue from the EKG stickers, and my stomache - wow its just hideous. It's all puckered at the incisions like giant cellulite. Yuck.

     I have to say it's kind of liberating not to want to eat everything in sight. I had one of my favorite comfort foods just now for brunch - cream of wheat . The first (tiny) bite was soooo good I felt the old appetite coming back for a second.. but when it hit my stomache I knew I wouldn't be eating much of it. Also, the fact that I ate it so slowly made it more satisfying to have so little. Normally I would have polished off the whole bowl in the amound of time it took me to eat about a tablespoon.

   I had my first BM today. It was great.. I feel a lot better even though I feel like it should have been much bigger, not having gone for 5 days.  Oh well, I'll take what I can get.  Oh and I have lost 10 lbs so far! In 4 days!

Well its the eve of my surgery. I am completely terrified. I'm not sure if I'm scared of the pain afterward, not knowing what to do with myself.. or just the fact that everything is going to be different. Who am I going to be? I've been overweight forever. Well that said, here are some things that I hate about being fat:
Always feeling like people are making fun of me
My clothes are not nearly as nice as I'd like them to be
My clothes take up more space than they should in my closet
My stomache in the mirror
My rings barely fit anymore.. sometimes I have to use soap to put them on
Being scared to run into people I know because I've gotten so big
My double chin
Taking up too much room on the couch, back seat of a car, etc
My shoes pinch because my feet are so fat
My feet hurt all the time
My knees are a mess
Heartburn
Constant self doubt
Worrying that if I offend someone they'll cal me fat
The mattress salesman said because I'm big I can't get a softer mattress, it will sag 
I look like a football player in pictures.. my shoulders and arms are huge
My eyes look like they're too close together because the rest of my face is so big
I use more toilet paper than I should



There are countless other things obviously, but enough for now. God I wish I could have some brisket right now. I am so sick of this liquid diet.