KiaSunRay

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I need some.  God help me.

I'm hoping today is better than yestesrday.  I didn't do as well as I hoped to but it was better than previous days.  Having a hard time since i'm seriously CRAVING PF Chang's Kung Pao Chicken.  I get extra chicken and have two days worth of food.  It's awesome.  Hopefully I have the willpower to resist temptation.

B:   8:30 am--  11oz Myoplex lt protein shake--chocolate fudge    
      11:30 am-- 1 packet of mixed berry steel cut oats made with equal parts half & half and filtered water 
                           1  splenda packet, 1 pat of butter
                            08 oz water 
L: 

D: 

Thanks to everyone for taking interest in my journey and me!  Whoda thought anyone would take interest in what I have to say?

Today is the first day of my phase 1 diet and I'm doing okay so far.  The heat is getting to me.  The withdrawls aren't as bad as i was expecting.  When I did this back in April, I was all but shaking for a taste of salt and sugar.  This is what my day looks like so far.

B:   8 am--  11oz Myoplex lt protein shake--chocolate fudge
                     08 oz water
      12pm     08 oz tea w/1 spenda packet

L:  1 pm      1/2 Cosi Shaghai Chicken Salad w/mixed greens & extra chicken, 1tbs low fat sesame ginger dressing
                      08 oz water 
S:   4 pm      3/4 Myoplex protein shake--chocolate fudge
                      08 oz water
                      50oz water
S:   9 pm      1 chocolate eclair ice cream bar
D:  10:30       child size grilled hamburger w/spicy brown mustard
                       08 oz water

Day one didn't go as smoothly as planned but better than the last couple of days.  Hopefully Day 2 is easier.

I've eaten my face off over the last two days.  Well I've eaten as much as a toddler sized stomach can hold.  I haven't followed any plan other than the "see food" plan and I'm not proud of myself because of it.  Eventhough the amount of food I can consume is negligable in the grand scheme of things, I still can't let this get out of control because I've been there and done that and have the fat clothes to prove it.  Not only do I have the fat clothes (yes, I still have some--don't judge me), I also have memories of the aching joints and lower back to go along with them. 

Starting tomorrow I'll be doing my sugar/carb detox plan in which I go back to Phase 1 of the post-op diet where I only consume high protein liquids.  I want to be able to do this for a full week but I take progress day by day.  Last time I lasted three days and felt pretty good until I found myself in a social situation where the focal point was food.  It's hard going back to food after several days on liquids.  Not only that, I feel much better when I consume liquids only.

I know this sounds dreadful but I don't consider it a punishment at all.  Sometimes I have to start over so I can stay focused on my end results which are good health and less body mass.  I'm still having touble adjusting to my new frame but that's a post for a different day.

It's likely I'll combine this period with some type of exercise regime--a combo of Bikram Yoga, cardio and resistance training.  The discipline of Bikram Yoga helps me stay focused, enforcing the "mind tells the body what to do" principles.  For much of my life I've been living in the reverse allowing the flesh to tell me what to do instead of the spirit.  I also feel a period of intense prayer coming as well since I need to detox my spirit as well. I actually pray during yoga. (aside: optimum health requires a three prong approach: mind, body & spirit, but again, that's a post for another day)  My pastor's webiste has sermons I can listen to and I can always call him for guidance when if necessary. I should attend Sunday service but it's not my preference.  If I could get a closed service (read: minstered to on a one on one basis) I'd be more inclined to attend. Until I re-enroll in yoga, I'll start with cardio and resistance training and rotate them.

As of 6/16 I'm officially one year out and considered a graduate.  It's been an amazing year.  I've lost 190lbs and hope to lose 65 more.  I'm 10lbs shy of my one year goal so I was a little disappointed but I've still had great success.  I went in for my one year check up and i think the dr was blown away.  He wants me to speak again at another Saturday seminar.  I really dont know what to say.  Last time I just made it up as I went lol.

I think my process has magnified insecurities in other people.  All of a sudden my coworkers want to confide in me about shit I dont care to hear.  Why?  I wish I knew.  It may be because I don't go around lamenting about things I dont like about myself or my life.  If I don't like something I change it.  I make change on my own accord without the intent of making anyone comfortable with me or my decisions.  Maybe it's something they envy.

Folks still have no idea what to say out their mouths but I'm getting better at ignoring them.  One person asked me how much weight I've lost.  I have yet to think of a good answer for that because my stats aren't any of their business.  I really dont know what they're looking to gain from it.  The scrutiny makes me uncomfortable and i told the dr.  He looked at me like I asked him if I could borrow $20 till payday!  He was very surprised and told me that most people enjoy that.  He, like many others, will realize that I don't fit the stereotypes which are graciously reserved for obese people or black people or women.  One day I'll be regarded simply as...Kia.

I made my first visit to NYC with a couple of sister friends yesterday to see the Broadway production of Fela Kuti and really enjoyed myself.  Since we were only there to see the show, I didn't have a lot of time to explore and take pics.  Being a tourist wasn't the objective of the evening, but I did get a taste of the city.

I felt overwhelmed just stepping off the bus.  People were everywhere!  It took a lot of effort to not have that slack jawed tourist look on my face and I hope I did a good job containing it.  We stopped in a couple stores and unfortunately couldn't buy since we didn't have anywhere to store our stuff.  We had dinner and a very good Brasilian restaurant.  After the show we had serious difficulty getting a cab to our next destination.  A college looking kid on a ricksaw pulled up in front of us and offered a ride.  I thought he was crazy for even considering a 20 block bicycle ride through downtown NYC.  A dollar is a dollar I suppose.

My two friends and I get into the rickshaw.  Though I've lost a considerable amount of weight, I still took up most of the seat and felt awful for doing so.  A friend sat on my lap and we took off down the street.  Man, we had a serious ride!  We were terrified.  This dude (not unlike other drivers around us) was running lights and cutting in between cars like crazy.  We screamed our faces off!  He looked back at us red faced and laughing at our newness to the experience.  I was impressed that he could maneuver that ricksaw carrying about 450lbs behind him the way he did.  Mind you, I'm clutching the friend on my lap the entire time hoping and praying she doesn't fall into the street.  We could literally reach out and touch the other cars!  That was insane.

I drank too much and ate too much and end up dumping at about 3:45 am.  I did really well until that point.  It wasn't too bad though; I was able to keep myself together and get on the bus for the ride home.  I'm having a lot of fun with life inside my new casing.  I'm still making some adjustments but overall I'm happy to be me.

A co-worker attempted to comment on my weight loss a few weeks ago and refered to me as a "shrinking violet".  Not only does she not know what the phrase means, but she failed miserably at paying a compliment.  When in doubt, keep your mouth shut.

The attention I receive makes me uncomfortable.  I've never been an attention seeker and I'm certainly not interested in doing so this stage in my life.  I enjoy my weight loss tremendously but I dont want it to be the topic of every conversation i'm engaged in:  "What's your secret?!?!"  "I should work out with you!"  I get so sick of hearing it!  I could tell what I did or what to do and they still wouldn't have the balls to do it.  I barely acknowledge it any more.  There are so many more dimensions to me other than weight; someday someone will wake up and recognize it.

I'm a size 16 now and have many more clothing options to choose from.  Again, I'm enjoying it but I'm still not enamoured with the attention it brings.  I do dress different to a degree; I'm not confined  to the drab colors relegated for a size 32.  I can wear heels semi-comfortably again; however, my basics as far as modesty and propriety haven't changed.  I've even considered just wearing "plain" clothes to work so I can just...be.

I'm looking for a new job.  Not only because of the extra attention...but I'm sorely in need of the extra cash to go back to school.  I kinda feel bad since I really like my boss but there aren't any opportunities for me.  The salary I earn has taken me as far as it can in regards to the goals I've set.  I have to go to the next level in my life and need the extra oomph to get there.  And I can get there.

I had my 11 month check up yesterday.  I lost another 9lbs for a total weight loss of 181lbs.  It's amazing that I've lost as much weight as I did and I've lost almost all my excess weight in less than a year.  I have another 74lbs to lose before I'm truly satisfied.  I know I have to work out more and I have to get back on track with fitness.  Hardcore.  I know I can lose the rest of this weight.  I've already come so far; I might as well take it as far as I can.

Yesterday I was given the number to a plastic surgeon to start considering reconstructive surgery.  I have the number but it may be a little early to beging with a consultation.  I'll give him or her a call in January, as it's likely I'll have reached my goal by then.  It's very obvious I have a lot of loose skin on my stomach, arms and breasts.  I'd like to have this corrected but if insurance doesn't cover it, I'll just be stuck.  I can't afford it.  I am excited about the thought of being rebuilt, kinda like Robocop LOL.

I met, or atleast met again, a friend of a friend when I dropped by her office for a visit.  She was so in awe of my appearance after a whole year.  I'm used to the reactions by now, but I look like the same person to me.  Maybe because I'm used to looking at myself every day, I don't know.  I'm just trying to stay as focused as possible to achieve the results I want. Some parts of this jouney have been uncomfortable, but overall I'm enjoying it. 

"Mind over matter: the mind tells the body what to do."  This principle is reinforced during Bikram Yoga during every session.  I haven't been in almost a month and I miss it.  I need that type of focus and discipline in my life. Not only do I feel better mentally, physically and emotionally, but I'm getting some muscle tone too!  The discipline I find in Bikram Yoga is applicable in other areas of my life.  I'm lookin forward to my next accomplishments.

I'm officially 10 months out from surgery and I've had very good success so far.  I go in for my check up next Thursday; I'm anxious to see how much I've lost.  I hope I'm not disappointed.  I guess the "honeymoon" period is over for me but I'll keep pressing forward.  Today I've gone back to phase 1 of the post op diet in hopes to get my eating back under control.  This month has been hard for me.  I've been trying to eat everything in sight.  That's really destructive.  It's taken a lot of strength and focus to push myself to be able to do phase 1 again.  It's a lot different doing it now than it was doing it right after surgery, but I've done it once and I know I can go it again.  I'm just taking my time and going through this day by day.  I read about this 5 day pouch test thing I may try but I'm not having issues with pouch restriction, per se, but the sugar and carbs will do me in if I'm not careful.

If this works out well, I'll see how long I can keep it up.  I may combine this detoxing period with Bikram Yoga.  I've found this yoga practice to be very clensing.  I know I need more vigorous workouts and I have a pretty decent plan in place to make that happen, I just need to execute!  My personal goal is to weigh 165 which means I have about another 95lbs to go.  I'm convinced I can do it if I work hard enough.

Last weekend I was a guest speaker at my surgeon's office.  I was very nervous and had no idea what to say.  I said a few things that made sense (I guess) and people seemed to be able to take something useful away from my gibberish.  I may volunteer to do it again; I'm not sure.  I've never been very comfortable talking about myself, especially to a room full of strangers.  My mom was able to come along for support.

I was disappointed at my last weigh in two weeks ago.  I only lost 10lbs.  I was hoping to keep up the 12-15lbs a month going for a while.  I'm putting forth extra effort by getting some workouts done in the evenings.  I want to work out in the mornings with weights, but I haven't been dilligent about getting my room in order.  I've gotten my program in order so that's one major hurdle out the way.  I even purchased an elliptical machine a few weeks ago off CraigsList.

I've lost 163lbs in 9 months so I really have no business moping, but I am!  I'll get over it of course; it just seems so silly to me.  Really, all I want is to make it under 200lbs.  I walked over to the mall today to pick up some lunch at PF Chang's and I was very excited to be able to walk over there and not feel like I'm dying!  I'm so happy I'm not dragging all that weight around, but I really have a long way to go.

I've been able to buy some really cute clothes, but the expense is hurting my pocket a bit.  I still wear plus sizes but I have many more options now.  I don't have to order all of my clothes anymore.  I'm even trying different stores like Burlington Coat Factory and Gallo.