KiaSunRay

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It's daylight savings time and I'm excited about everything that comes with springtime: flowers, sunshine and rooftop bars.  Well almost everything cause that spring cleaning thing is the pits, but necessary.  I'm pulling my big brother into a few projects (and a couple he isn't aware of just yet!) cause I need the extra manpower, no pun intended.

As the seasons change from winter to spring, the warm weather does something to my estrogen, increasing it to uncomfortable levels.  I start doing weird things like changing my hairstyle, shaving my legs...and wearing dresses to boot!

While this may sound normal behavior for a woman, it's usually not my thing.  I like to wear my hair braided (as is evident in my profile pic).  I like my straight leg jeans and chuck taylors.  If I were completely unprofessional, I'd wear it work every. single. day.  I don't think anyone would notice.  It's something that makes me happy.  So when I find myself in the midst of one of these estrogen fits, I begin to feel like I'm not being true to myself, or maybe it's just another dimension manifesting itself and I should let it be.

With the nice weather comes excursions and I would like to have someone to share my excursions with.  This dating thing is so whack!  Where are the normal guys?  Where are the guys who are interested in true companionship?  Where are the guys who can actually communicate? I completely severed a relationship that I thought would have so much potential, but it turned out to be nothing.  I have certain standards and requirements that need to be met and they are non-negotiable.  I'm not expecting anything that I'm unwilling or unable (the two are NOT synonymous!) to offer and it mostly equates to common courtesy and respect.  Foreign concepts, huh?

I met another guy about a month or so ago and that went no where fast.  He made too many comments about my physical appearance and it made me uncomfortable.  Other than the fact that 1). I don't like to discuss my appearance and 2). His comments were inappropriate, I'm not valued as a human being with goals, thoughts, flaws and feelings.  As adults, we should be able to get past the superficial to enjoy and explore the qualities which make us truly unique.

My new clothes from NY & Co arrived on Thursday.  I was anxious to see them since items can look different in person than they do online.  I opened each plastic bag and help up the garment to the light; turning it about so I could see them from every angle.  I was very pleased with what I saw. 

I felt nervous about trying them on.  This is my first time purchasing clothes from a standard sized store and felt very anxious, so much so, I forgot the bag at my desk and had to retrieve it over the weekend!  

When I gathered the courage to try them on, I was able to exhale.  With each button slipping through the button hole, I realized I wasn't crazy.  I don't have to shop at plus sized stores.  I envisioned the accessories I would wear and the new shoes I needed to have to complete and stretch each look.  

I'm struggling to shed the plus sized me; I loved so many things about her.  I still have all of those things except the extra weight and some of the comforts that came with it.  Using "comfort" and "extra weight" in the same sentence may sound contradictory, but it's true: I understood my plus sized body.  I knew what size to cloak over it.  I knew how to move it.  It kept me warm all year round, even when cooler temperatures were preferable.

I don't know much about this new casing in which I reside.  It feels strange to the touch. Everything is smooshier than it once was.  I had to relearn how to walk and dance.  Since losing 211lbs, my movements began to feel exaggerated. I had to get used to looking at my new face which I'm convinced is starting to sag.

People call me skinny and I find it offensive.  Most of the time, a comment about my weight will be the first thing that flies out of somebody's mouth, completely ignoring general greetings.  Maybe it's me, but I find it to be rude as hell.  Sometimes I check them.  Sometimes I don't.  If it were my  sole focus to educate the ignorant, I'd have to quit my day job.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         

I finally broke down yesterday and ordered some clothes.  I got quite a bit from a friend yesterday but they dont fit very well yet.  I give them about another month or so and they'll be fine.  In the meantime, I need stuff NOW.  I still have difficulty not shopping in plus size stores and departments, but I'm trying to get over it.

I labored over NY & Co's website last night and this morning trying to figure out the correct size and to get the best deals with the current promotions. Plus size stores is all I know and I only feel comfortable shopping there.  I wonder if men have the same issues.  Plus size clothes are cut differently than "normal" sized clothes, so normalcy feels so....small to me.  I'm convinced I'm not adequately covered.

 I had my 18mo check up last week and it went better than I expected.  I thought my weight stabilized but it hasn't.  I've lost another 11lbs, but it took 3 months to do so.   Dr. said that's a normal rate but I'm sure it could be more if I exercised again.  Motivation wanes every now and then.

I now weigh 209lbs.  I should be under 200lbs by summer.  Pretty exciting.  I'm looking into plastics now as my stomach and breasts are horrendous; I dont doubt that it'll take an act of Congress to get the ins co to approve a body lift.

I need to know what I'm eating.  Not just the type of meat or seasoning, but what exactly has been put into the food to create my plate of deliciousness and whether or not it's nutritionally worthwhile for me to eat.  Having limited capacity definitely puts consumption into a whole nother perspective.

Several years pre-op, I would track my consumption on The Daily Plate which is now part of LiveStrong.com.  I decided to go back to where I started so I could see my daily numbers.  I was very happy to find the Livestrong iPhone app.  Carrying around a separate food journal became cumbersome and annoying and I would have to manually add the nutrition info.  Livestrong.com has made it much easier for me to track what I'm eating.  The database of foods (including restaurant meals) is pretty vast and accurate as I check restaurant websites and others for nutritional content.  Although the caloric intake doesn't cater to a post op like myself; I know what my intake should be and I can determine how close I am to my recommended limit.  The only drawback for me is I only receive a summary of my daily caloric intake and not the nutritional intake and I have to expand each food item for that info.

You can also track your daily fitness and the database has many activities to choose from, including washing your hands, butchering meat and getting your hair done.  I never really considered getting your hair done as a fitness activity, but whatever gets folks motivated.  I guess.  The drawback for this component is that I can't log specific exercises like bicep curls or squats.  I may still need to invest in some sort of fitness monitor, but the database offers decent estimates.

I like that I can sync the app on phone with data in my profile on the website.  I'll definitely keep this app around.

Today I'm enjoying beef n sausage pinwheel lasagne, a strawberry, canteloupe chunk and a quarter of an oatmeal raisin cookie for lunch.  I mean really enjoying it too.  Should I feel guilty for admitting this?  Probably, but I dont.

Over the next several days I'll be weaning myself off solids and working my way back to liquids.  Not only does my pouch need a rest (serious gurgling goin on) but I need to kick this sugar habit too.  I'm looking forward to it.

The first time I tried the all liquid thing, I went cold turkey and had a headache for three days straight.  The second time I wasn't able to maintain.  Third time's a charm?  We shall see.

Last week was a tough week and I decided to indulge in retail therapy during my lunch hour on Friday.  Last Thursday I decided I wanted a bday outfit and I've finally come up with something.  I had a hard time deciding what look I wanted to go for but comfort is key.  Besides, I'm having a house party and don't feel like dressing up in my own damn house.  Wearing shoes'll be difficult enough!  I'd rather sink my toes into the carpet.

I grab a printout from Finish Line (my fave sneaker store, buh buh Foot Locker!) to find out if my local shop has the shoe I'm looking for.  I wander over to the converse section and found what I was looking for.  I picked up the shoe and my heart damn near stopped.  It appeared to be priced double than what was advertised on the website! I was about five seconds from losing my religon in that store, but the sales guy reassured me that one of his coworkers just has sloppy handwriting.

He goes about his business to find the size I want.  He comes back and opens the boxes...and the shoes weren't laced.  No big deal, right; we'll just lace em.   Uh, yeah.  This shoe has double rows of laces and we were both sitting there lookin stuck on stupid.  We had a good time trying to figure it out though.  He was a very engaging fellow.  So much so, I came back to the store after work and asked him out but he already has a ladyfriend.  Boo.

I pass The Limited on my way to the next stop and they had some cute fall looks displayed.  I hesitated going in cause I'm still more comfortable in plus sized stores.  The display was so cute I just had to go inside. 

When I finally decided to go inside, I no longer saw the sales girl.  I walk to the back and stand at the cashwrap waiting for someone to become available to answer my questions.  I saw a sales girl come out of the fitting room.  She made a beeline for a table and started folding shirts.  I walk over to her and ask her about sizing and what I could expect.

Of course size 16 is available online.

I have not been a model WLS patient as of late.  I've been eating my face off with whatever I can get my hands on. Or at least as much as my pouch can hold at one time. PF Chang's Kung Pao Chicken has been my drug of choice.  And the salt tastes good.  Real good.

I've even reintroduced myself to my childhood love of sunflower seeds.  They can't be any old seeds either.  They have to be David brand and BBQ flavor.  I love them so!  I can actually eat a whole bag too.

I'll have to see if this salt thing is an indication of some kind of deficiency.

I'm going back to my liquid roots, hoping I can shake this salty beast.  'Tis an expensive habit.

Coversations with my brother leave me with lots to think about and mentally tired. He's a jack of all trades though I'm not sure how many he's mastered thus far and he's passionate about it all. He's a web host, videographer, graphic designer, handyman and some ole other shit all rolled into one. He's all about entrepreneurship and encourages me to do the same; imploring me to loose my "slave mentality" since I wanna live in the city near the "good jobs".

I wanna be where the money is and don't give a hot steamy shit whether he approves or not. Hell if imma commute 90 minutes each way cause I thought it a great idea to live IntheMiddleofNoWhere, MD. No sir, no thank you. He can have his 50 acres and I'll continute to waste money on convenience. He has his priorities. I have mine.

He thinks I should write books or somesuch. I have no idea what to write about or even if I have enough to say to fill up a whole book.

I have no idea where to start.

It's only mid-July but the season is definitely about to change.  I eyeball my closet and realize there's na'an piece of fall clothing in my new size.  In fact, I have to buy an entire fall/winter wardrobe.  The thought saddened me.  I aint got stacks like that.

I felt much better after pillaging my friends closets.  I'm not starting from the ground up anymore but I still have a long way to go. We did a bit of shopping after dinner and I absolutely fell in love with Charming Charlie.  It's an adorable store where I have the potential to spend way too much money. It's like the entire store was made just for me. 

While browsing, I saw a dress in coral which is one of my new favorite colors.  I pick it up and hold it up to the light, not really sure what I'd do with it.  I thought it could be a tunic or somesuch, so I tried it on with my jeans.

I liked it.  It looked very pretty and I already have acessories to match it.  The $15 sale price sure helped.  My friend came in the dressing room and was like "umm...you should prolly take off your jeans."  Hmmm, novel idea. I give it a try and my heart almost stopped at what I saw: the dress actually fit.  I was actually wearing a dress from a store which doesn't place additional numerals in front of the sizing system. 

I panicked.

I did the fingertip test to see how long the dress was (or wasn't) and it passed.  I turned to view myself from a few angles and all I saw was micro mini.  Poor sales clerk; I know she thought I was insane, writhing about in the mirror.  "Normal" size clothes are beyond my comprehension.  My friend told me to "get over it" cause she's just sypathetic like that.

I have to learn to look at me as I am and not what I used to be.