Kathy B.

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Well, I'll be 3 years out in Oct.  and have not lost any weight in so long.  Nor have I reached my goal.  I know it's my fault, but it's time to try to fix this.  Problem is, I'm not sure how to do this being this far out.  gong to post on one of the forums asking for help.  I always hate to do that because I feel sort of attacked every time I have.  Probably just me being too sensitive.  HELP, please!

I just read over some of my blog and realized I've been disgusted and angry with myself for over a year now.  How disgusting is that?  No wonder I'm doing so poorly with this.  So first I laughed and then I cried when I read this.

Well, again I'm still frustrated, disgusted and very disappointed in myself.  I have let others interfer with my well being.  Not that they always do it intentionally.  I do a great job of sabotaging myself at every turn.  Through a series of job loss, etc., some family is living with others and since that's where we all end up, they cook it, I eat it.  Tonight it was Kentucky Fried Chicken.  I know I have to be stronger and noone can do any of this for me.  But I'm not a strong person anymore.  I'm easily angered and easily hurt.  I still have no support from family.  I need help.  I need motivation, I need to learn to at least like myself.  I need my butt in the gym and I need to get back to basics.  Having some health problems that are of concern to me and Lord knows how much my pouch is stretched out.  I'm having an EGD done next month because I do have an ulcer and I do have a lot of reflux problems.  Just seems the crap is never ending.  And I'm not even going to talk about the personal problems I'm having to deal with right now.  I go back to the sleep clinic next week so they can figure out CPAP pressure.  Sure was hoping I wouldn't have to get back on that.  No such luck. 

Ok I'm whining and I know it.  Seems  like my life has been one gigantic pity party here lately.  And I'm sick of it.

Ok, I've messed up enough and it's time to get on track.  But what do I do.  Surgery in Oct. 09 and still nowhere near where I should be.  I need someone to point me in the right direction.  The only things I know to do are to get back on the right amount of water and protein, exercise and kill the carb monster.  As usual, there is no support from family.  Just eating whatever they fix and it's not helping me at all.  So...............I know it's up to me to turn this around.  If anyone has any insights on this, I'ld love to hear from you.  I've got to overcome this frustration.  After all this time, I've only lost about 75 lbs.  Still need to lose about 50 more.  HELP!!!

Still not doing well.  Weight loss is virtually non existent now.  And I'm still frustrated.  To be given this amazing tool and not be able to properly use it.  I am proud of how far I've come but I know it could've been so much more.  Thinking of oding the 5 day pouch test.  Not sure what I hope to accomplish.  Getting on track I guess.  Started smoking again.  Dumb thing to do.  I will be giving that up again soon.  I hope for good this time.  I hate it so much.  Only adds to my feelings of being a failure. I know I just need to get over myself and quit self sabotaging.  I have come up with every excuse in the book I think.  And the excuses have to stop!!!

And I don't mean that in a good way.  I'm 3 weeks short of 1 year and am not doing anything right.  I'm so embarassed at the thought of going in for my 1 year appointment and having to go as a failure.  And I really hate having to assume responsiblity for that.  It has occurred to me in the last few weeks, I don't even know what I'm supposed to be doing now.  I've gotten so far away from the program.  I MUST GET BACK ON TRACK. I've felt like a failure with most everything I've ever attempted in my life and I don't want this to be just one more failure.  I need help.  I want help!  I don't expect anyone to hold my hand.  Just someone to help me get back on track.  I don't have the support of family so I've been on my own this whole time.  I was so sure I could do this on my own, but it's almost like they all have forgotten what I went through and why.  Bad thing is, I think I forgot too.  I should be strong enough to make this right and to use this amazing tool I've been given.  I even wonder if I've messed up my pouch.  I can eat so much more than I think I should be able to eat.  I'm having some pain on my right side kinda up under my rib cage.  And some problems with pain in my stomach.  Kinda scary.  But I go back to Dr. Weaver's office the first week of Oct.    Please pray for me.  I need all the motivation and strength I can find.

Ok, well, things aren't getting any better.  I'm thinking that this is just one more thing I'm a failure at.  Such a wonderful tool and my self inflicted sabotage is ruining it.  As happy as I am for all those who have been successful, I'm so sad that I can't be one of them.  Yes, I've lost some, but I have about 75 more to lose and it ain't happening.  I hardly ever come to the OH site because it makes me sad.  And that's not what it was intended to be. 

I don't know what the hell I'm doing.  I'm sitting here with a big glass of iced tea, a cup of coffee with splenda and creamer, and a big handful of bugles.  The only thing I should have of this is the tea as it is decaffenated and sugar free.  This is so riduculous.  Sabotage.   

I wish I had someone to hold my hand and help me get this straightened out.  A buddy I guess.  Someone to talk to, help me with meal plans, support, etc.  I don't know why I just can't do this on my own.  I'm around too many people that don't care what they eat, drink or smoke.  And it's very disturbing to me.  I've been seriously considering smoking again.  How ridiculous is that.  I haven't smoked since August of 2009.  Sabotage again!!!   

 All the pain of surgery and now the agony of defeat.  Really sucks.  Like I really need to see myself as a failure at yet another thing.

Sorry for all the negative, but that seems to be all I see these days.

Well, I finally broke down and posted on the RNY forum.  I hated to do it because I can't deal with any more negativity.  But I desperately need help!!    I feel like I should be the poster child for failed RNY.  So I'm open for suggestons and help.  Please!!!!!

Sad, but true.  I went and got my 6 month labs done today.  Concerned about the results.  I hope they're not terrible, but I'm pretty sure they won't be great.  Of course, I'm still stuck.  My weight is barely, barely changing.  Still not making it to the gym.  Between the injections in my neck and hip, I've been so sore.  Have managed some walking but not near what I should be doing.  The only way I know that might help is keeping a food and exercise journal and some serious therapy.  I'm sabotaging myself every day.  How ridiculous is that?   Still disgusted and frustrated and really angry with myself.