jlko

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I can sit in an airplane without feeling like my fat was splooging into the seat next to me. 
I can cross my legs
I can use even the smallest stall in the ladies room without feeling like it was too small. 

I started the 5 day pouch test today, and so far so good, except I ate about 6 raw baby carrots just a few minutes ago. Considering that husband and stepdaughter are snacking on corn chips I think I made a decent choice.

I went to the gym today too, 45 mins of cardio and 30 of weight training. Its the 2nd time in 3 days Ive been to the gym so I'm feeling good about that. Woot! No gym tomorrow, just a walk or something. I'm really sore so it will be nice to take a day off. My god is to also go on Wed, and Friday this week and at least one day on the weekend.

Ive also been counting and journaling everything I eat and I notice that carbs and sweets have really been a problem over the last couple of months. Gotta stop that... I really hope this pouch test thing works, because I need a kick start and Id love to have that feeling, like I did right after surgery, the feeling of, optimism that I haven't felt in a while now.

Wish me luck.

Last night my surgeons program had a seminar called "Love After Bypass" I thought it would be a lecture about learning to get back in touch with your sexuality after feeling like persona non grata for so long. It wasn't. It was basically a "toy" party and frankly it was disappointing and a waste of my time.

I'm not sure I've ever seen a group of women more uncomfortable in my life. It wasn't the toys, it was the idea of being a sexual person again. I could actually SEE people struggling with the same discomfort I was feeling. Which made me wonder, how do we go about overcoming the old idea of ourselves? Im 9 months out from surgery, and even though I'm now a size 14/16, I still feel, very much like a fat girl. I have grown used to not being seen by people and not being considered sexually relevant. I think some of us grown so used to being unseen that even though we don't look the same any more, those deeper feelings of inadequacy don't go away. And as time goes by it seems harder and harder to be in tune with that part of me.

I find I ask a lot of questions here, and that no one really answers them, but I also find some comfort in being able to articulate and identify my feelings. I guess for now thats all that matters.

I need some motivation to get back to the gym. And to stop grazing. Im not really eating anyhting thats that bad for me but im not eating meals really either. My work is stressful so I notice that I tend to want to each when Im worried, or anxious, which lately has been all the time.  

Anyone have any tools for this? Or suggestions?  What can I do, aside from see a therapist to address some of my emotional issues with food? I think that I am sort of stuck now, because I got clobbered a few months ago by real life. I am ready to do this, I know I can. But I need help getting back on track. 

In re reading my first post here, I come across as sad. Which in some ways I guess I am. What I am finding though is that I have to keep trying. Keep plugging along, 1 day at a time, and when thats too much 1 hour at a time. Try to be grateful that I even have this outlet. Try to be appreciative of the small successes, and I think maybe most of all try to forgive yourself, and be kind to yourself, in ways that are constructive to your longer term goals. 

Im a pretty positive person most of the time, and I think I have quite a lot of offer, in terms of being a good friend, being loyal and caring. Maybe its the weather thats making me feel so dark, or maybe my deepest fears are overwhelming me. Whatever it is, I need to find a way to self comfort without food. Suggestions anyone? 

My surgery was 4/26/07 and so far I have lost 86 pounds. I started off strong, working out 4 days a week,  staying away from everything I was supposed to, really having a great attitude and excited and ready to embrace all of the changes I was seeing. I had really started to think that my life was nearly perfect.

Then at the begining of August something happened to me. Or I guess I should say, my husband did something that made me question everything about our marriage, our relationship and basically it just rocked my world, and not in a good way. 

Since then I struggle with being unsure of my marriage, unsure if I can trust the person Ive been with for the last 7 years, and unsure that I even deserve to be happy. We are going to counseling, but I dont know if we can work this out. I want to, but he seems distant and we arent talking about whats happened much. 

I am scared. I am scared that I am unworthy of love, just unworthy in general. For Christmas I asked God that I can learn to forgive and to let go, but Im not sure I can, I dont even know where to start. The only thing I know for sure is that I am scared.

I havent been exercising, Ive been eating some of the wrong things, and though Ive not been losing much weight, Ive not been gaining either. 

Maybe the answer is that I become the most important person to me again. But how do you do that when you have a career, a husband, family obligations and all of the other things that women deal with? How do I carve out time to protect and nurture myself? How do I go about healing from something that I never ever expected from my partner. Hes been my best friend for 7 years. Who do you talk to when all you want is your best friend and hes the one that hurt you?

Its really a very lonely feeling.