inanotherworld
I was born a chunky child and it never really went away. I've been overweight all my life and self consious about it ever since I can remember. My teen years were really the worst. I never felt normal, never felt comfortable being around people, just never fit in. The sad thing about it was how much fun I missed because I was always afraid to do things and try new things that I really wanted to try for myself because I didn't want anyone watching me. I had a small circle of friends. Even then, I didn't join in to everything that they all did.
Ever since I was a very small child, I loved animals, plants, the woods, ponds, lakes, the river, and spent a lot of time with these things and places. I became a bit of a specialist in these areas, becoming quite gifted with the ways of and knowledge of these things.
That's pretty much who I am today. My hobbies and interests include all of the above: Archaeology, geology, paleontology, astrology. Anything ancient and from the path calls to me deep inside. Like there are ghosts from the past that live inside me and keep calling to me to search for the unknown. Native Americans, Mayans, the old world and it's climate and fauna, it's flora and buried remains. Fossilizations and the geology of the landscapes that is so forever changing... it's who I am.
I did't really mean to go all over that, but it is so very much inside me, it's hard to tell anything about myself without the mention of it. But I need to tell of my fat and my feelings and my personal dealings with "life". I guess there was a time when I was so positive and up-beat. At least I tried to show that to the world. All the while I was uncomfortable inside and feeling that I should be so much more. Could be so much more. If Only I were not fat. Fat, jolly people just blew me away, still do. I'm amazed at people who look and act so happy even though they are so overweight. I admire them for who they must be inside. Everyone deserves to be happy and love themselves. I wish I could. At age 43, I should have grown out of my insecure childishness by now, right?
My story really isn't turning out to sound anything like I intended it to. But the truth is deffinately here. I am here. Let me try and stick close to my basic fat facts. So here we go again....
Heavy at birth, heavy but very athletic in childhood. Very outdoorsy and very self motivated to be involved in what I loved when I was in my teens. Unfortunately, I got very interested and swayed by the opposite sex pretty early on in my teens. My life took a twist. I was not really huge in my teens, but to me it was enough. Too much. But I carried it well and held in my gut and stood up straight and always had a smile. I was always on the move and to me, doing physical work was never a problem. I did the work of three men. So I was told and I knew I gave it all I had whenever I gave it. But physically getting into a bathing suit in front of people or something like that, that I could not muster the strength for. But I loved to swim and did swim a lot. So long as no one was around. So I never went to the indoor pools. And I never swam at the river when there were large gatherings. I always had to find my own special places and my own ways. Enough rambling again.
I have two children. My daughter was born when I got pregnant with my first love. And I gained quite a bit of weight, but those 9 months were some of the best in my life. So was her birth. I did lose a lot of that weight. I think I was about 223 the month that I had her. Eventually I lost the weight down to about 150 then up to 170 but by the time I moved to Oregon and began working on the farm, was around 190 again and she was 6 years old. I married and got pregnant again when she was 8, and boy did I gain the weight!
I gained even more after my son was born in 1991. I got up to 280 somthing. I gained and lost, gained and lost, got divorced in 1999 and lost 40 pounds in about 4 months. Kept that off a while. Seven years later, I'm nearly 300 now. And after reaching 40, I've been feeling a lot older and worried about the time I have left on this earth. Now I have a grandchild and a man who is so good to me, dispite my old, fat, depressed self, it's just not fair. Especially to him.
I want this surgery, because the weight doesnt want to come off any more. Not even if I starve. Ive got diabetes, back pain from a bulging disk, sleep apnea, PCOS(which Ive had all my life), pain in all my joints, my feet often feel like they are bruised on the bottoms, my hips hurt, my stomache always hurts and has its problems, Im constantly depressed, I have insomnia, carpel tunnel in both wrists, bowel problems, etc., etc. Did I mention I was an avid horticulturist and tropical plant fanatic? Ive been known by many as "The Plant Lady" and have had many compliments on my yard and gardening abilities. Was a Marion Co. Master Gardener for a time. I do it all myself and from scratch. Or, I did. Just this last year, Ive done nothing. Things have been dieing.
We went to Costa Rica two years ago for 10 days. We were really sserious for a while afterwords, about wanting to move there...
Right now, he wants to go to Peru and see the jungle and some old ruins, Im so depressed Im nearly numb to the idea. But I know he'll drag me along. Pain and all, to a place Ive only dreamed, many, many, times, of seeing.
I can hardly walk from the fatigue I have. I barely get out of bed any more except to eat. My gut is so large, I can scarcely find a way to whipe my own ass. But the fossil hunting, the dig sites, the precious stones and Machu Pichu, wandering in the deserts of New Mexico and the ancient burials, the cliff dwellings, Montana, Utah, Arizona, all my clay sculpting, wood working, gardening, painting,
carving, and crafts and the children at the grade schools waiting for me to come read to them twice a week and teach them, my grand daughter and my son and all those hikes and camping and hunting trips, that can all be done again next year, right?
