ElleBW

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I'm heading to the specialist next week to try to figure out why I have been having chronic and severe diarrhea... not my idea of a good time, but nor has the diarrhea been. After test driving the depo shot, I gained 30 extra pounds, which have begun to drop off, but being sick takes center stage. I take my supplements, get in my protein and have followed the rules, but something is wrong. Last summer they ran a series of tests to see if my gallbladder was to blame. It was not. I'm tired and scared and through my own fault by not keeping in touch here, feel alone and isolated. In addition to it all, I'm hitting peri-menopause and some days it feels like more than I can take. Yes, I regret having the surgery for fear that these complications will jeopardize my health far more than the extra weight did. I also have found out my lithium is not absorbing and have fought with some very bad mood swings. Not much else to do but continue on and keep trying. I feel like I won the battle and lost the war. -E

It was just two years ago that I was able to eat a few spoons of mashed potatoes and was SO grateful for them... Now, I had a real Thanksgiving dinner, stopped when I was full and took home loads of leftovers. What makes it more amazing is that I was able to reconnect with my sister after not talking for the last year or so. What a wonderful day it was!

 

The second best thing was ordering a "one size fits all" pair of leggings that more than fit; I looked hot! I am so thankful for the little things I encounter every day. It overshadows the regret I feel when I'm not feeling well. There are more good days than bad. Hooray!!!

Haven't written lately due to technical issues (arg!) but I'm back after a "semi faulty" gallbladder attack. Not gone, just forgotten (till it is ready to quit working altogether!) I was looking in some OLD journals and found this from 1991.

"I've been thinking about my life a lot lately. My weight actually. My "over-weightness" to be exact. I know something must be done. I think tonight was the first night I actually said out loud that I was a compulsive overeater. I was surprised that I said it. I don't quite believe it. I think I am in denial. I want to believe it so that I can do something about it. This whole thing is not easy! Not at all!"

I was nowhere near my heaviest weight at that point. As I look through subsequent journals, I write the same thing over and over and over. Now I have finally done something about it and though I am technically overweight, this time it's by about 10 lbs and I can cope with that. It's still not easy. I've had to incorporate fish oil into my routine and I'm having some digestive issues. But the other night, I looked into the mirror at my super cute new pixie cut and didn't recognize myself. I notice I walk taller. I am more social and not afraid to walk up to total strangers. Yes, it is still hard, just a more manageable kind of hard and the benefits are amazing. Love and peace!

Well, it's been a full year and after all the fuss with the strictures, hoping that is done now, I am feeling better. I am now broke after paying off all the doctor's bills (and they keep coming) but I think I am doing relatively well. I am not stable and that has been difficult, but one foot in front of the other. I've almost forgotten that I even had the surgery! I'm about 15 pounds away from where I'd like to be, but am happy where I am at. I think I can get away without plastics and that feels good. Some people still don't recognise me at first and I've learned to enjoy that. All in all, I am back in the 99% who are glad they had the surgery. Hooray!

I guess with this there are bad days and good days. I've managed to get a few good days in and it's like reaching air after being held underwater. I did have a stricture and was dilated under anesthesia. I am able to eat again and am shoving in all the supplements and vitamins. Lots of people have been noticing my loss, some not even recognizing me at all. I even got flirted with at Target by a cute "boy". My life isn't better because I wear a 14 instead of a 26, but I'm doing okay and think I will make it through. I have ribs out of alignment in my side that hurts like hell, but I am tolerating it until I find something that works. I'm trying the chiropractor next week. Sometimes it just gets to be too much, so I take a breath, take a minute and regroup and that's helping greatly. I still need to get exercises in, but it is difficult with my out of wack ribs. I wish I were more active on the forum, but I can barely sit still for five minutes! Baby steps!!!

I am not the one who is grateful for WLS or wishing I had done it years ago... I am smaller... no long plus sized but I feel like crap... I had to undergo another endoscopy where they put me out and dialated my esophogus... my upper back is killing me and the doctor doesn't know why... went to my primary physician and she doesn't know why... my WL surgeon did an endoscopy and a week later a specialist did and found an abnormal Z line and took a biopsy... why didn't the first doctor catch that??? In between I had to do another barium test. Right now I don't trust any of these doctors or what they have to say. I haven't had any energy to excercise and am on liquids and soft foods for another week or so until the biopsy comes back. I am not happy. I am having a great pity party. I am in pain.

Have been having terrible pains lately and after seeing the doctor we thought it might be an ulcer, but it's a stricture and during the GI they couldn't give me enough pain medication to make it tolerable to open up, SO I have to be put under fully and "ballooned" until then, liquids only. Nice thing is that pushed me to my 100lb mark, so it's official. I haven't weighed in my 170's in a very long time. I'm still not sure it was/is worth all of this to be thin. Almost everyone talks about how they wished they had done it sooner and they are so glad to have done it, I'm not one of those people. I weigh less and I wear a smaller size but I don't feel well, and had to go to the hospital for psych issues. The jury is still out. We'll talk after my barium swallow test Friday... ack!

I waited all winter for this point... I am not at my goal weight, in fact, due to the addition of birth control pills I am eating like a maniac (will be stopping them soon) but it is hot here in the Pacific Northweast and I finally got some shorts and a few sleeveless tops which are only slightly slutty looking, but sure do show more skin that I have in a long time! I even went without a bra since I am shrinking, but with the sagging, should of went with one. Either way, it was totally fun to wear something that exposes my body and feel good about it! Hurray!

Before surgery I could literally sleep a day away. Granted, most of it was due to a depressive episode, but it was possible and did happen. With everything else going on, I thought my newly odd sleep patterns were due to my bipolar, as I've been running high, but I am changing my mind. I looked at some of the other postings and notice others have the need for less sleep after their surgery. I thik I just have an abundance of energy (which I have not had since I can remember!) and I don't think it's the bipolar. I usually get about 3-4 hours sleep and can't go back to sleep. Sometimes I'll take a xanax and that will get me another two hours, but this is insane! I have been getting so much done I even started painting again and I haven't done that in a while. It's great, but it sure is strange and takes some getting used to!

Obviously, I know I've lots weight. I had smaller clothes and feel different... even began jogging in with my walks. It wasn't until I saw my before and "now" pictures side by side that I saw what everyone else has been seeing. I look good! I may not be "there" yet, but what an improvement! Well, yesterday I went to the local produce stand I used to go to frequently. I had made "friends" with one of the employees and he was working. I went up and asked him where the yams were and he actually answered me. Note, he didn't recognise me!!!! We kept talking and he then did and his eyes just about popped out of his head! I didn't feel the need to tell him about the surgery, I just made sure to say thank you every time he said I looked great. I don't see a lot of people who used to know me and don't know about my tranformation, so that was fun. It really felt good and it gave me a little motivation that I needed during this "challenging" time.

Saw my doctor yesterday and then my therapist and we are playing around with my medication to see if that will help. It's a good feeling to have my "team" to support me and as I approach my period this month I am nervous but have plans on what to do if I should go high again or crash. I was freaking out at first, but now that I am taking action, I feel better. Certainly, I am getting LOTS done running a little fast! For the first time, I feel like I'll make it through ok and I DON'T REGRET HAVING MY SURGERY TODAY! Yeah!