Donna E.
My Story
I am 45 years old, 5'4", and 345 lbs the last time I was near a scale that was large enough to weigh me accurately. I have my appointment to meet with Commonwealth Surgeons in a few days to begin my journey to become a healthier version of myself. I am just exhausted not only from carrying so much extra weight, but also the self-loathing I feel over my lack of power to
control my eating. I have lost and gained back hundreds of pounds over my lifetime, but never successfully kept it off any significant time. I'm now stuck in the "too large to comfortably exercise, but need to exercise to lose weight" cycle. My back and joints ache constantly. I snore like a freight train, and don't sleep well. I get out of breath watching someone else climb a flight of stairs! I have high blood pressure, diverticulitis, and gout. My periods have always been irregular, and I've had uterine polyps and infertility issues due to the hormonal imbalance caused by the fat I carry. I've tolerated the stares and jeers of children AND adults who find a fat person a target to ridicule. I have to ask airline attendants for seatbelt expanders. I must request to be seated at a table rather than a booth at restaurants if I want to breathe while eating. I've broken toilet seats, chairs, and even the beautiful cherry sleigh bed my husband and I chose for our first home. I'm sick of always having a built-in excuse to try something new and exciting! I'm tired of being tired! I'm sick of this merry-go-round and I want off! I WANT TO LIVE!!!
I have always had an issue with my weight and food addiction. My mom had me eating carrot and celery sticks at age 4, and even called the neighbors and asked them not to allow me any snacks in their homes. This elicited a lot of "poor Donna" sighs from the adults, and cruel teasing from the other children. It seemed my weight and eating habits became the focus for everyone. As I felt alienated from the other kids, I would stay home and play with dolls or read books alone for hours in my room. I believe this is when I first turned to food as comfort; I became a sneak eater, learning how to balance the lid of the cookie jar so it made no noise as I scraped a handful of chocolate sandwich cookies out to eat in the privacy of my bedroom. I could open the fridge silently and grab several slices of American cheese and a pile of white bread, and
stealthily run up the stairs, avoiding the squeaky ones, to begin my feast in my haven. In school, I was always the tallest girl in the class, and the heaviest, as noted by the humiliating chart that always was displayed in the classroom. I
developed early, needing a bra at 8 years old, and menstruating by 10. Oh God, how I dreaded weigh-in day! When I was in 5th grade, my teacher made such a point of noting that I was the biggest kid in the class. I was 114 pounds, and already 5'3", not so big now that I look back, but so devastating at that moment. In junior high school I had several bad experiences that made me turn even more to food. I gained 60 pounds in less than a year, yet my parents did nothing other than to try to limit my food intake at meals and lecture to me about being fat. They never asked if I was having trouble, and I never told them what had happened to me. I continued to gain weight through high school, reaching 260 lbs in my senior year. I was an above-average student, loved music and writing. I developed a wicked sense of humor that helped to deflect the worst of the teasing and enabled me to become more popular. I was the proverbial jolly fat girl. My weight was a cushion from a lot of harsh realities, though I desparately wanted love and attention.
After high school, I decided to forgo college and work full time while still living with my parents. Having extra money enabled me to go out to lunch every day and buy whatever food I wanted, which I hid from my family. I also began drinking alcohol whenever in a group, which sadly only made me want to eat more. I reached 300 lbs at age 22. At this point, my dad told me he was worried I wouldn't live to see 25. He offered to pay for me to go to Weight Watchers, and he offered me an incentive of $5 for every pound I lost. I lost 105 lbs, not because of the money, but I believe because he showed me for the first time that he was worried about me and loved me. My mom and I walked together several miles a day, and truly became the best of friends during our time together. I was feeling more confident, and decided to move to my first apartment away from my now supportive family and local Weight Watchers group. Later, I became involved in my first adult relationship with a controlling man who undermined my confidence and laughed at my efforts to lose weight. He eventually left me for another woman, and I turned to my old friends, food and alcohol, for comfort. Over the next few years, I got involved with several inappropriate and unaffectionate men and turned again to food for comfort. I gained back all the weight I'd lost and more. By age 32, I existed only to work and keep a roof over the heads of myself and my cats. I even thought my future would be that of the crazy, fat cat lady that the neighbors would whisper about.
Thankfully, that future was not to be. After years of just existing, I met a wonderful, accepting and tolerant man, and we married in 1997. He is kind and intelligent, and has always looked beyond the wall of fat to see me as I truly am. He doesn't try to control me or what I eat, but is very supportive whenever I am in diet mode. We lost my mother and his father in 2003, which made us both realize our own mortalities, and the role my weight will play in the coming years. He has told me of his worries for our future, that if I continue to be heavy, I will not be around to be with him for much longer.
I have tried to diet all these years time and time again, but never successfully. I have tried all of the following diet plans: Susan Powter's "Stop The Insanity", Butter Busters, The Rice Diet, Slim-Fast, Thin-So-Fast, The Zone, Low Fat, No Fat, Atkins, and the latest has been the South Beach diet plan. When physically able, I have walked, ridden a stationary bike, even done aerobics in a 3X leotard! I attend regular Overeaters Anonymous meetings for a while, but did not make a connection anyone with my group and stopped going. I have lost 20-60 pounds with each attempt, but always fall prey to the demon sugar cravings and emotional eating. I am now to the point of knowing that each attempt at weight loss will inevitably end in failure unless I receive additional help. I NEED and WANT this surgery so I can live the life I have always wanted.
My future goals are simple, everyday joys. I want to sit in my husband's lap and not worry about hurting him. I want to drive my car without having the seat pushed all the way back to accommodate my stomach. I want to buy clothes at a normal-size store instead of a "fat ladies shop". I want to sleep through the night without snoring and gasping for breath. I want to hike a mountain trail with my brother and his wife, and live to tell the tale! I believe gastric bypass will give me the strength I need to finally leave that sad, young girl behind and become the healthy woman I have always wanted to be!
