Clirishu

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Yesterday a male used the words slim and fine to describe me. Yep - I was taken aback. He was calling my new purse a weapon and said he noticed "that since I done went and got all slim and fine" I needed to play the part and get a big fashionable weapon-like purse. I responded that at lot about me was changing and then it registered - that man used the words slim and fine to describe me. Good thing I have a poker face because on the inside I was a bucket of OH MY GOD!

I begin by saying that I have a sister who is the poster child for saying ugly things.  All my life I have had to contend with the ugliest comments from her. In fact, the other day she complimented my weight loss and I almost fell to the floor.  

So you would think that knowing how my sister is I would have grown immune to her ugly comments.  For the most part - I have.  However, the sore subject in my life right now is how my family disregards the fact that under all this fat, I am a woman and I have the same desires as most women - a man to love and accept me and for me to share my life with.  

On to how she hurt my feeling last night.  It was the local Christmas parade and my friend who is recently separated was there.  My friend is beautiful in every stereotypical since of the word.  So her comes my sister and she rudely asks my friend if she has a man yet and when she is told no - my sister says - I am going to find you one.  Now if you know anything about my sister it is that you don't want her finding you a man.  But anyway - my feelings got hurt because it is clear she never considers that I might want a companion.  As the night progresses, we meet my sister's neighbor who happens to be a single father.  His son befriends the children in our group and soon we all get to talking.  He appears to be a nice sincere fellow who I could possibly have some interest in.  At the end of the night we return to my sister's house and she says to me - Angie's gonna hook up with my neighbor?  I say - no, maybe me.  Her response - I don't know, he's cute.  WHAT???  Guess I am not worthy of kind and cute!!!!  

Can it be?  Is it really true?  Do I have on blue jeans today?  Yes! I do.  I loved blue jeans and lived in them throughout college.  However, I got to the size that they were no longer comfortable and then the size where they only made elastic waist jeans and that wasn't the same.  So when I started this journey one of my goals was to wear jeans again.  I have tried on several pairs through my weight loss but none looked flattering on me and all were very expensive and I refused to pay that much for something that didn't look good and would not fit in a matter of months.  So I waited, but on black Friday I hit a deal.  They are not necessarily flattering but they fit.  It feels so odd to have them on.  It feels so odd to be wearing jeans on jean Friday at work.  Another way I am joining forces with the average sized world. 

Can it be six months already? Some days, it seems like yesterday and other days, it seems like a lifetime ago – but today, November 13^th, marks my six month mark since weight loss surgery.    What have I accomplished in those six months? More than I ever allowed myself to imagine. First off – I don’t guess I completely believed the doctor when he told me I would lose 150 lbs in the first six months. There was no way I would get below my high school graduation weight in less than six months. It took me 14 years to get to this weight and here he was telling me I would weigh less than I did on graduation day in a matter of months. I wanted it, but I sure didn’t believe it was going to happen. Well, it DID! I have officially lost 154.5 lbs.   They talk about weight loss surgery changing a person. I don’t believe that is true for all of us. While I am sure those around me might say I have changed, I would counter with no – this is just the me I always was and now I am just living it out. The me that I was in college. The me that had the energy to go out and dance the night away. The me that wanted to do things, but knew I did not have the stamina necessary. I never felt captive in my body because I did get out and about but now the world has expanded and now I no longer worry about what I can and can’t do. Now, I just do it and if I get tired I take a break but then I can get right back up and continue on.    My new mantra is that I only get one round on this earth and I am going to do my best to make the best of it! No more wasting time worrying, but instead doing!!!

At support group on Monday night I weighed myself.  I consider the drs scale my official scale.  I have officially lost 149lbs.  I am not disappointed with that amount of weight loss but considering that is my "official" scale, I would have loved for it to have recorded the milestone of 150lbs lost.  But no matter, I am pleased thus far with my weight loss.

Last night  I returned to the walking track in my attempt at exercise.  I was in love with the fact that the air was crisp and no matter how hard I walked I did not sweat.  I had made up my mind before I started walking that I was going to do my best to walk an entire mile without stopping and ... I did!  It took about 30 minutes but I did it.  My thighs are a bit achy today but I am going to go for it again tonight. 

So I have been bit by the "go out and dance" bug and I am not looking for an antidote any time soon.  I had a very full weekend that culminated into two bday parties last night.  Both parties were just OK parties, so my BF and her SIL decided to go out and dance. 

We got out soon after midnight and danced until 2:30 AM!  It was great time.  Lots of laughter - I love laughter.  It truly is the best medicine.  

I spent today keeping busy and the great thing is that I managed to do all those busy tasks on only 4 hours of sleep.  The energy and stamina I have these days is unbelievable.  I have no clue what the future holds for me, but I am ready to meet it head on!!!!

For those of you who have kept up with my chronicling my journey, you may remember that one of my rants a few months ago was that I want my lap back.  I also rant about this belly and how disgusting it makes me feel.  One of the reasons is because it covers my lap.  However, slowly my lap is emerging and last night it emerged enough for me to be able to hold my cousin's little girl without her sliding right off!  It may not have been all that comfortable for the both of us, but it worked.  Yippee!!!!

For a long time I could not comprehend the physical difference in my body as the weight was rapidly melting off of my body. I could blame it on the fact that it was happening so fast that I could not keep up with the changes. Some of that may be true, but this week I figured what a big part of my problem was about. See, I didn’t live the typical morbidly obese person lifestyle. I didn’t let my weight stop me from living. I didn’t feel trapped in my body. I didn’t feel isolated from the world. My self-esteem was just fine. I had always been overweight and had adjusted to that fact with grace and dignity. What I didn’t realize was how big I had gotten. Sure, I saw myself in photos or the mirror, but I don’t think I comprehended how big I was because my size did not prevent me from living a decent life. 145 lbs later I realize that the size I am today is the size I quit registering how big I was. So, I am struggling a bit with realizing my success of weight loss because in my mind I was always the size I am now instead of the size I allowed myself to get to. I am not afraid to look back at the size I started out at because I believe we have to remember where we came from in order to maintain success, but I am in awe of the life I led in that sized body. It is probably a good thing that I didn’t realize how that sized body should have handicapped my lifestyle because I probably would have let it if I had known.    Now I have to work on understanding my success and how I got here so that I continue to be successful in this journey. I have never had a weight specific goal, but I do have a feeling that I want to achieve and I that feeling from the individuals in my support group and here on the forum and those feelings expressed keep me motivated to make the right choices. Each one of you contributed to this week’s epiphany. 

At first today was special for me because I made it a new set of 100s, a set I am sure I have not seen since high school 15 years ago.  It took all day for me to realize that it was five months ago today that I lay in that hospital bed heeving from the after effects of anesthesia telling those nurses they didn't care about me because if they did they would give me something to stop the nausea!  I am thankful I can look back on that day and smile, but I am sure I can smile because 5 months later I weigh 143.7 lbs less than I did the day I started the WLS process.  I feel my weight loss.  I love my weight loss.   However, I do have an achilles heel and that is my belly.  It needs to go!  I know it is probably the last to go but after losing 7 pounds this week you would think I would notice a decrease in the size of my belly.  Do I? NO!!!  Ok - enough ranting.  Time to cheer for my successes thus far - hip hip hooray!!! 

 I did the zoo...the entire zoo today!!!  We took our time and walked a bit, sat a bit, leaned a bit - but in the end I walked and visited the entire zoo today.  My legs between my knees and hips ache a bit, but 140 lbs ago I am sure I would be in terrible pain.  Instead - just ache and I will take that any day.  Being able to do the zoo gives me the confidence I needed to do many other things that involve a great deal of walking.  I am ready!!!!