chrisgraves

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There is a bright big Yellow thing in the sky!  We haven't seen it proper in quite some time.  Everyday that the side walks have been clear we've been walking and walking and walking at lunch.  Today I found myself looking at the ground as I'm not used to the brightness.  I though I was looking at my coworkers shadow.  But something about it seemed a bit  off,  it just wasn't moving right.  That's when I realised it was MINE.

HOLY CRAP!!!!!!!  I didn't recognise my shadow it was to small, it had to many curves. I was entranced by it.  I just kept watching how I moved and thinking how odd that' it's not round.  There is space between my arms and waist, even a curve of bossum, and staight legs.  The shadow I've know for the last decade has been an indistinquishable lump of thing shuffling along.  Today we strode along in confidence keeping up a brisk pace!!! 

Well it seems I get more frustrated some days than others.  Why does the mind work that way.  How come one day I can be so optimistic about what I've accomplished and then a week later feel like I'm falling behind the eight ball and won't be able to reach my goal?

This week has been rough it's the whole PMS/Period thing for the most part.  But I'm reading peoples blogs and I'm feeling like I haven't accomplished enough.  A little over 4 months out and I've lost over 50lbs since surgery.  On my last visit, my doc gave me the talk about optimizing my weight loss threw exercise.  As if she really didn't believe me that I've been working out. 

Which made me think that I'm consuming to many calories if I'm not losing weight as quickly as she anticipated.  I've been trying to tweak my food plan and I'm noticing that I'm eating more than other people.  I've started to use a timer to help guage when I'm putting stuff in my mouth.  Which is helpful with getting the Fe and Ca in. 

I think I might be being a disconnect on weather or not I need to feed my body?  on a given day I run any where from 1000-1500 calories, I'm reading that some people are at 800+.    But my doc's food plan there is no way that is possible for balanced protein & nutrients.  I mean I suppose if I didn't eat real food it might be doable.  But my plan is set up to create a long term eating profile from the beginning with protein and carbs.  Where I see alot of people only eating carbs and no/very little fruit and veggies. 

I have an appointment with a  Nut in a week or so.  It's actually with different Nut in the same office as my Nut's husband is currently in cancer treatments.  I think it will be interesting to get an outside perspective on my case. 

This weekend we had a work event that had many of the branches of the company coming together.  Even after 12 years I don't know that many people outside my dept but that's partly due to the fact that I am/was a wall flower around people I didn't know.  My friends know me as outgoing but my size always limited me as I was constantly aware of others might be thinking of me.

Anyway... The IT ladies were there and I see them a couple of times a year.  Neither of them recognized me!!!!  One actually extended her hand, thinking I was my co-workers date, and introduced herself.  I responded in kind thinking she was pulling my leg since I'd told her the last time she was in our office that I was having WLS.  She was totally blown away.  My husband and co-worker were there as witnesses!!!  TO COOL

Now for the down:  (Sigh...) the food at the event was terrible.  In previous years it was extremely bariatric friendly.  This time not so much.  Everyone was extremely disappointed and I ended up getting very sick from it.  The quality of what was served caused me to have sever gas build up.  I didn't have any Gas-x with me (something I've now rectified) so it just became unbearable.  Eventually we (hubby & I) left to try and find anything that would help.  I ended up back in the hotel laying down while the Hubs continued in a valiant search.  He did eventually find Gas-X but I was in excruciating pain by that point.  I layed in bed, in a town I was unfamiliar with, not knowing what I should do?  Afraid if I went to the ER that the doc's wouldn't want to touch another doc's RNY patient.  And in to much pain to think about packing up a hotel room and walking 4 blocks to our parking spot.  (Now with a clear head I think.. duhhhh ambulance!)

Sunday was better but not great and today (Monday) I feel like a bruised banana.  I called my doc to talk over what had happened.  Based on my description she is actually concerned the the gas might have crimped my intestine and I now have to be very diligent about watching for other similar symptoms. If I have as she calls it intermittent pain we'll have to schedule an elective exploratory LAP surgery to see what is going on.  If it's acute pain go to the nearest Hospital, the larger the better.

We shall see.......

Last evening, I was working on organizing a new dresser, in the process I unearthed a ring.  A ring I haven't seen or thought of in years.  It had been my grandmothers and I used to wear it every day after she passed.  Some where along the line it got to tight and I put it away.  It was easier to hide it from my daily view than to deal with the enormity of the fact that I'd gained so much weight that I wasn't able to even wear it on my pinkie.

Last evening it came to lite and with hesitation I slipped it on my pinkie.  WOW, to my delight I could spin it around.  So today I will be wearing it on my right ring finger.  What a great feeling.  I think my grandmother would be proud of me.

The weight gain over the years took so much from me, in so many subtle ways that I was able to ignore them as they piled up behind closed mental doors.  I feel somewhat like an archaeologist as I delve threw my own layers to find aspects of myself that have lain dormant for so long.

Today was a half off at Savers a local resale shoppe in my area.  My cousin and I were out looking to score some bargians on, well, anything that caught our fancy. 

I found it strange to be in the middle of the racks of clothings.  I'd always headed to the back or end of a rack. Today I sort of circled around myself trying to get some bearings on where I should start.  I picked up a few things but not a lot.  I felt a little bit overwhemled to be honest. 

Right now I have a masive pile of clothing in my closet that I can't wear.  I ment to go threw it all this weekend and sort which I was going to try an consign and which I was going to donate.  But some how I always found something else to do.  Oh well..  suppose it will just continue to grow till I get around to it.  lol

Zumba has been great and I'm doing very good about logging my food, water and all that.  I've also added a few new vitamins after getting my blood work back.  My doc was happy with were I was at, but after reaserching here and other places I felt I needed tweak a couple of things.  My liver enzymes were elavated but apperently that's realtivly normal at this point.  in 3 months if they haven't started to start reducing I'll get sent for a couple of test.  But I'm not worried.  I was diagnoised with Fatty liver about 10 years ago and the #'s are in the same range as they've been historacally. 

This morning I weighed in.  I was dissapointed but not overly surprised that I've stayed the same weight for the last two weeks.  Between the rough PMS & period, the lack of excerise and slacking on the my food log I'm in a position where I need to check myself.  I'm not far enough out to coast.  I have to work my tool.  I can say that I'm adding everything up in my head but it's easy to get side tracked and not account for all my bites of food or not reach my H2O and protein goals for the day.

So I've set out to break my mini-stall with re-assesment of my food log, lots of H2O and a Zumba class.  There was no reason to prohibit me from going tonight. (I don't drive in Snow or Icy Condition)  And boy am I glad I went.  I feel so GOOD.  I have to remember on those days when I don't feel like it just how wonderful I'll feel after the fact.  The food logging helped me make a good and educated dinner choice so I could round out my protein and veggie for the day. 

UGhh.. I feel like crap.  It had nothing to do with my WLS just a normal function of my body at this time of the month.  The bummer of it is when I got like this before surgery I would always take Pamprine.  Which is no longer an option for me.

When Aunt Flo comes to town it's not generally the cramping or bloating that get me.  I mean sure I have those but no where nearly as bad as others.  What I get every few months is the "BLUE's";  I'm exhausted, unmotivated, dreary, and over all just a SAD demeanor.  What ever the ingredient composition was in pamprine helped with that.  Now I'm stuck.  I can take Tylenol for the cramps but I'm trying to find other things to help boost my serotonin.  Which if I'm correct in understanding is what causes the SAD part of my period.  Sighh...

A co-worker recommended Chamomile tea.  Which is kind of helpful.  I know that exercise works but I'm not in a position to leave me office multiple times a day.  Ughh.. I used to only get 4 periods a year with my previous BC now I get one every 4 weeks or 13 in a calander year.  That's certainly an adjustment.  I've got to find some alternatives.
 

When I look in the mirror I see me.  I know that I've changed and can truly see the changes when I'm dressed but when I stand in front of the mirror naked I don't see where it's coming from. (Of course I didn't notice it when I gained it either.) I know that's due to the fact that I'm having an all over weight loss and while I might be a smaller version of myself, my shape is staying the same.  I've found that disappoints me some.  I didn't realized I'd had such high hopes that my bodies overall shape with change.  I will have to come to terms with this.  Maybe go all new age and stand in front of the mirror saying I love my shape.  My poor hubby with think I've gone 'round the bend.  LOL

But, I've been slacking about the gym these last two weeks with this horrible weather we've been getting slammed with here in New England.  On the upside I have a meeting with my trainer tomorrow at Lunch and a ZUMBA class tonight.  This journey is about a healthier me.  I do realize I'm not going to turn into a super model and there will be things about my shape that will forever bother me.  That I suppose, is expected in this consumerism driven society.  I will just have to learn to except the bumpy bits, especially since my husband loves to play with them anyway.  LOL

I just realized this morning that I'm no longer considered MO.  I'm now just Obese.  It took reading another friends blog to make me stop and think about it but I'm glad I did.  It gives me another positive way to think about this process.  Thanks Subacloud!

Shopping!  Ahhhhhh  cheap retail therapy.

My colths are so big.  Even the stuff that I purchaed at the beginning of December is falling off me.  My coworker pointed me in the direction of Old Navy.  It seems that they are having their clearence and customer appreciating.  Six months ago I won't have thought about even shopping in a ON. But now I can fit in the XXL.  So it may not be normal sizes yes BUUUUT!  the clothing was so inexpensive.  I was able to pick up core peices for $2.50-3.75/each.  I can't do that well at Savers (2nd hand store).