Aynessa
2005
the song is by Rhianna and titles Unfaithfull i love this song right now.. hope u enjoy.. if u dont wanna listen turn your speakers down ty..
April 17,2005
well today is an alright day. i have been considering WLS for over 2 years now, and tomorrow i will be going to my doctor and talking to her about it. Honestly i feel a lil scared i dont know why i feel this way because this is my life and i cant let what she may or may not think effect it. Many people have said you can get it done without your doctors approval. But i just wanna know what she has to say about it, because she is my doctor ya know. but no matter what she says i know this is right for me i need this tool to help me in my struggle. i know this is not an easy way out and i know this will take alot of work but i am ready to work as hard as i need to get this done. i have to go to my obgyn on May 15th i think because i had a pap and my cells or whatever werent normal after she scared the hell outta me by saying she needed to talk to me about my result and didnt say i was on my last good nerve and waiting in that office to be called was killing me softly. but after that news i was actually happy because i was worried i had some aids or something i dont kno why when ur waiting for results u think the worest so when it was just that i was like ohh great i aint got aids lol its not funny but when u were bitting what was left of ya nails u have to laugh at it. but in any case she said it is prolly not cancer its just my hormones and all that because my period is so crazy i been put on meds to make it regular so i am not so worried but i do pray all is well. the only this is when i think of them getting a sample from there i cant help but cring. but i hope it all goes well i will update another time but until then stay blessed and know i am here for who ever needs me.
April 19,2005
well i went to my PCP yesterday and i was shocked to know that she actually said go for it. she told me to find a good place becuase she doesnt want anything to happen to me i told her about the Barix Clinic and she said it sounded good since that is all they do there she said i most def want someone who knows what there doing and that she would help in anyway. also for them to send her a copy of all the information as well. i had and eco ion kno if i spelled that right not to long ago and a couple other heart test so she said that might be one less thing to be done but knowing my luck they will have to do them again. my only issue is this the Barix place is in Pa and i am new jersey and i dont really have a way there. my friend said she would take me for my consultation but ion know if after that who will take me. maybe she will maybe she wont i cant blame her she is busy and doesnt just live down the street from me or anything. I would get my mom to take me but she is 62 years old and never did like driving on the high way and then theres my sister but u cant really depend on her for anything so you can see my problem. i wonder if there is like someone i can pay to take me there and drop me off. i mean i know i would be there prolly not short amounts of time but who knows i think i will make a post and see if anyone knows any service or company that could do something like that it would prolly be costly but thats how serious i am about how much i need this WLS. i emailed my friend for her to tell me a good date to set up to meet with the doctor so when she gets back to me thats when i guess i can call and explain my issue to them that i need this certain day i am sure they can try and work something out. they seem so very very helpful. i went to the doctor and i was weight 342 last week when i was at my obgyn and now i am 339 3 pounds lol wow prolly cuz i havent been eating much my throat really hurts but i have meds for that. also i saw that i didnt really speak on me too much in my frist entry. so here i go i am 19 soon to be 20 5'7 339 at this point i am mixed rican and blk. live with my mother my father died when i was 13. god rest his soul. thats pretty much all to me. i am in school and not really looking for a job tryna do my school thing u kno. i am in a couple support groups online but i would love my own support buddy that we can support each other in nj or pa if poosible but it doesnt matter just someone who i can talk to because i do at times need that and theres not many people who understand. and if there not over weight most people dont get how important this is. but i will post something like that to on the boards. well i will go and post again once i have a date to meet with the doctors pray for me as i pray for everyone who is going threw this and the ones that are on the losing side and the ones who are under the knife today i pray that god takes u in his heart and watches over u all.
April 20,2005
WOW baby i have a date for my consult with the Doctors for drum roll please May 18.. yes i know its just one of many steps but i am on my way. actually i was a bit unsure about calling got scared but i told myself i have to do this i just have to. that kinda why i need that support buddy they could have been told me if you dont go ahead and give me that push but i pushed myself which is great. now i hope my friend can get off i mean she hasnt started yet and if she tells them when she starts she needs that day off i am pretty sure they will give her it. anyone who has family and friends that can do things for u never take them for granted because that is truly a blessing. i am excited not even scared the only worry i have is that my friend cant get the day off but i wont let that get me down. i have spent many days reading peoples profiles on here there stories and many have been so helpful and thats what i want someone to get from mine i am gonna include all the details (well try i am only human)that i felt they should have touched on and know this from me all u read here is real the good the bad my ups and downs i wont sugar coat anything cuz there is nothing easy about having WLS.but i just wanted yall to kno i will complain i will be happy i will share pain i will go threw it all to help as well as me. we are in it together. i think that us fat folks have the best hearts (not to say that skinny people dont) but it takes a brave person to endure this life and to still care about others who go threw it. thats just what i think. ion know if i am just becoming the woman i always wonder i would be or what. i always wonder how i would act when i was older and i must say it feels good to be facing my problems head on. it feel GREATTTTTTTT... i know i must sound like tony the tiger lol thats GREAT lol.... but i feel good man i feel like i am finally making steps to be healther..i know god has a angel on her or his way into my life to help me with my getting to the place problem so i will not stress it i know he will make a way.. well just wanted to update a lil i know i will update before the 18th so just keep reading and i am here for anyone and always everyone who is going threw or any stage i am praying for u..
April 26,2005
I WROTE THIS ON THE BOARDS TO SEE IF SOMEONE HAD ANY INFORMATION ON MY QUESTION BUT IT ALSO IS MY UPDATE..
this has been a hard couple of days..well i have a consult for may 18th on the good end but i have no way to get there.. see my mom is 62 and she never did like driving on the high way even tho the place is only 35 minutes away she just get so nervous, so knowing this i asked one of my friends and she said yeah she would take me(this was before i made a consult date) so she is starting a new job soon and she said as long as its after May 6th that i make the date and i let her know before then so when she starts you know she can say she needs that day off..so i mean sure fair enough i call the place and ask can i have an consult after May 6th they say they are kinda filled up so i will need to have one after that anyway..so i am thinking great so i take May 18th at 2:30pm not to early and not to late you know..so i tell my friend she like thats fine blah blah blah ..i get all happy because last year when i was tryna get the surgery this is the part that held me up getting a ride there and left me crying many days about it.. so then she goes and says something like yeah if i can get the day off and do it..and a lil red flag goes off in my head god it doesnt seem like she wants to do it so i have been worried that she may back out..so yesterday she tell me she dont think she can take me because on the 19th which is the next day she has taffic court..okay now traffic court is at 830 am in the morning and she only has to show the her registation and she doesnt have to be to work till 330pm i mean thats 7 hours she would have to be in court to not make it to work and i know court can be long but not that kinda court.. so i am just so worried and i wont have a ride and i will have to cancel like last year and i just dont wanna do that..i feel like its so real now..i am praying about it hoping god sends me an angel or make a way.. i dont hold nothing against my friend but its like if she couldnt do it thats all she should have said and i wouldnt have cared i would have just waited to make my consult when she could...so my question is are there any places that like provide transport for these kinda visit and stuff like that i think there isn't but i still wanted to asked..i am just so upset just crying and praying but if anyone knows about anything please let me know aight thank you..
May 02,2005
well i just feel so hopeless right now it seems like i have to short of a distance for anyone to help or i am just not on welfare on medicade so they dont have any help for me..i mean i did find a train i think goes out there but what about when i have my surgery am i susposed to take a train and some buses home its just sad that i am left to have to handle this all alone.. i have been calling who ever anyone may suggest but no one is telling me any good news.. i want to go to this hospital and i have been praying that a way be made but the way things going i dont know.. but on the upside i did request my medical records for my consult now all i have to do it get them from the doctor i am seeing now..oh my i almost forgot about the doctor i got the diet pills from i need his records because that was atleast 6 months on that diet.. but i cant remember the name of his office dang me..i just feel like nothing is going right..i mean i was so sure this time things would work out but i should have known the devil is busy..but i wont lose faith this surgery is what i need and i will get it..So if anyone has any information on transportation that can pick me up from my home and take me to my consult and such either for some fee or non profit please let me know...also on the 19th hopefully i will have had my consult on the 18th but i have to have a sample of my cells taken from u know where the baby making place lol i dont know what the right term to use here but u get me... i hope everything goes well and i hope it doesnt hurt and not like i wont be on my wits end about that i am meeting my baby for the first time that day we have been going out for like 2 weeks and we have never met.. we met online some time ago but we both had someone and recently met again and how they say the rest is history but this is the first person to person meeting..so its a nail bitter for me.. i will be sooo oh edge on the 19th pray for me that i dont just fall out lol.. but i have told my baby about my choice to have WLS and at first it was a no why u wanna do that i dont like it but now its gotten better and even tho she dont agree with it she says she supports me and will be there.. thats a good thing cuz if she said any different off to the curb it would have been and i didnt wanna do that cuz i think i found me a keeper and didnt wanna let this one go...but anyway i think i have drove myself insane enough today i will update a lil later when i have some kinda news on how i am gonna get to my consult or any news at all..please keep me in your prayers and if u have any advice please email me..God Bless
May 3,2005
well i said i wouldnt write unless i had some news and i guess i do..now remember when i said a doctors appointment on the 19th to get some samples from u know where..well i looked at the card cuz i wanted to make sure of the day and it says Monday May19th at 10 am so i am like aint no way monday is may 19th so i have to call like 3 numbers before i speak to the right person and she tells me well its monday may 16th at 1030am and i am like thank god i called cuz i would have been there on the 19th looking stupid..but i am glad i dont have to have that done the same day my baby is coming i really didnt want that... so i also talked to my friend and i dont wanna get to happy but she said she is gonna try and get the 18th off and since she has to be a court on the 19th at 830am she just gonna spend the night at my house and i have to show her where it is.. i dont really wanna wake up at no damn 830 am but i cant be mad cuz if this allows her to help me i would be so happy but this plan is not written in stone so like i said i wont get to happy but i am happy... but on a bad note last night i went to bed and around 4 when i was half sleep i burped and it felt like instead of air i brung up something nasty and acid tasting i aint sure remember i am half sleep so i get out my bed to go in the bathroom to get something to drink cuz this taste is sooo nasty i get to the bathroom door and i throw up and then i run in and start throwing up in the toliet and its like right after one another i am throwing up so i am tryna gasps for air it just horrible so i final call out for my mom and she comes and of course cleans up the floor i love her for doing that cuz i was so messed up i couldnt..after i finishing throwing up a few more times she says lay in her bed cuz my bed my cuz broke so its kinda like a darn hill lol so i need a new one but its cool for me but she like just sleep in her bed so i get my blankets and pillows and try and drink some water but my throat feels like a acid has just messed it up then i have to blow my nose and i see some throw up coming out my nose this is sooo nasty so then one nostril gets stopped up and i dont know why but it felt better to just put tissue up the nostril and sleep like that i finially got to bed at god knows what time and felt rested this morning but my arms are sore and i feel a lil beat up..but my throat does feel better yet still a lil weird..i wanted to make an walk in today with my doctor but i have class i need to be at and so much going on my mom said wait till friday..so i just hope i dont get sick anymore..now my mom thinks i have acid reflex i kinda think so too cuz like a few weeks ago i had this heart burn or something for like 2 days atr8 till i took some meds my PCP gave me for a sore throat that i was having before the heart burn..so i dont know what wrong with me but i also remember reading that acid reflex is linked to being obesed so if so this is another thing to add to my list of problems and i think i have sleep problems as well.. i need this surgery i am 19 and falling apart the way i am going by august when i turn 20 i prolly be on every med there is... well i just had to vent and ask for u to keep me in ya prayers as i keep u...God bless and he sure is good cuz i could have thrown up laying down and not be here today..Thank you Jesus for waking me up this morning..
May 14,2005
well i have 4 more days till my consult i am not totally ready with my information yet but that is because my doctors that i have now are the slowest people god put breathe in..i mean i thought the people i havent been to in a while would be slow but noooo its these people i go to now.. and they have my records right there..but i havent been charged anything for getting my records by other people because i have been picking them up but not these people no they have a company that does there copying and they charge a fee..thats jacked up but i said aight but my records aint ready yet so i have to call on monday to see whats up with that..as for my consult my friend has the day off that is a big go she taken me so i have a ride everything is worked out... well i was having some money issues and i wasnt sure i was gonna have the 85 dollars for the consult but threw prayer things do change because my mom got her money and now i have the money thank you lord.. so now everything is go for my consult i just have to print out my questions and add more if i have any more.. get all my things together hopefully my slow doctors have my records ready then i am good to go.. i am very happy and thankful for this all working out i was so worried it wouldnt like times before but thank the lord it has i know i still have 4 days and something could happen but i have faith god has it all worked out.. i will just leave it in his hands.. i know that this is just one step i have the dreaded approval battle to go and then a ride to and from my pre op and surgery to do so i know its not over or easy now but this first big step is under control and i am thankful for that..also this seems to be the week for me to be all nervous because on monday the 16th i have a Colpscopy and i just am so scared it will hurt..i know it has to be done but still i am scared i hope i dont have cancer i am just tryna not think about it but the way they get a smaple is just replaying in my head since they sent me a detailed paper stating just how they do it thats just great NOTTTT..but i will have to do it i just hope it doesnt hurt as much.. and the other thing u kno my consult on the 18th then on the 19th my baby is coming over i am soo nervous this will be are first time together and i wasnt that nervous last week or any time before now but as it gets closer i have so many butterflies.. so this is a crazy week for me.. but i am sure god is working it all out... and i know my baby will love me no matter what..but u know its human nature well i guess i have run my fingas long enough i will update prolly tuesday tell u how the sample taken went and everything..so until then stay bless and i am praying for everyone going threw and that has been threw this..may god bless u now and forever... OH YEAH i have a funny story i must share lol me and my mom and nephew went threw the car wash yesterday and well my moms car u know the gear u move to go to park drive neutral well hers is broke and u have to kinda guess whats it in..so she goes to get on the thing this man is like put it in neutral so she tried to put it in neutral but she puts in in drive and we are going wayyyyyyyyyy to fast threw the wash so u know the first thing it sprays is soap and guess what... she forgot to put her window up so she is gettinng sprayed i am getting sprayed with soap while i scream MOM put ya window up then saying we going to fast oh my god then my nephew in the back like stop this Stop my mom gets her window up but her face is covered in soap so the people who towel dry the car are like one more time and laughing so my mom gets a towel and we do it again this time we find neutral lol but this was one for the record books some movie stuff..but it happened always with my mom she never seems to amaze me lol i just though i would share a laugh with everyone lol.. take care
May 17,2005
well yesterday i went to have my now let me spell this right COLPOSCOPY and i was in soo much pain from start to end..yes i did cry.. this is what they do after u have a abnormal pap smear and they take samples of tissue to be sent to the lap and see if u have any cancer so if u need it do it but know it will hurt..well it hurt me... but like my doctor said i dont have penatration since i am gay and also since i aint had sex in a good while lmao... so even when i have a pap the things they use to open u some hurt me so bad..so i guess i aint nothing but a cry baby lol.. but some good news my consult is tomorrow and i dont have all the records i would like but i do have some of them.. so i mean if i need the rest i am sure they will request them.. i have to make sure i print out my list of questions.. well my friend had throw some bullshit into taken me again so i will let u know what happen with that on wednesday just pray all works out for me... i am scared tho even tho this is just a step and its not as if i am getting the surgery tomorrow just worried that all wont go right i just dont want that to happen... i have the money for my consult its an 85 dollar fee so that taken care of now i just hope my ride pulls threw..then the big stuff will i be approved willthe surgery be before school starts again will i have a ride to and from on the pre op testing and on surgery day.. its just soo many things going threw my mind i cant even began to express em..but i am taken it a day at a time cuz i already have 3 grey hairs dont need more and OH YEAH I LOST 5 POUNDS.. dont ask me how so now i am 334 instead of 339 i dont know who that happen but when the lady weigh me at the office she said 334 and i though i gained cuz i didnt remember how much i weighted then i though about it and was like oh yeah i have lost some weight but this was without shoes just shirt and pants no jacket so that may have been where a few pounds came but before but lets not belittle the lost a lost is a lost right!!! but i am gonna try and stay away from eating just because and try to eat when hungry and i actually do get hungry and full not just one so i mean i do wanna snack at times but not that much at all...so i am just happy that my consult is tomorrow.. i am gonna go now but also if u read this i am still looking for a support buddy i really need one...please pray for me as i sure so for all of you..
May 23,2005
well sorry i didnt update sooner i have been tied up with my baby and i cant complain its been great.. well i had my consult on the 18th it was a crazy day tho cuz my friend who was taken me came down then we went to the court house to see if she can make a payment plan but they said no u have to see the judge first so we are about to leave and i am like well ask can u get another court date so she is asking and the lady like let me see then the lady like just sit there i will see if u can get in and see the judge today.. so i am thinking i hope we arent here pass 2:00 because at 2:30 is my consult so we are waiting this and that long story short didnt get out till like 240 then had to get my momand nephew call the place get help cuz i was lost and see if i could still come in.. so they said yeah that i could so i came in saw Dr. Neil then spoke with someone who he had did the surgery on.. he only does open and they said i could meet another doctor if i wanted to do lap but i wanted to try lap but then i was thinking i rather they open it up and see all thats in there dont want any mistakes i know when i am getting better it will be hard but thats cool life aint easy oh yeah and when i went there they weight me i was 332 so i lost 2 pounds but i believe i have gained it all back because with my baby here i have been eating real good meals and such but thats alright i guess..well thats what i am telling myself okay.. now here is the problem it has been said before that i dont live in pa where the barix clinic is and my mom does not like to drive on highways and i dont have much family.. or family they would be willing to drive me there and my friend her car is now not working well so i have no way to get to the place.. i found a bus but i cant take a bus to and from when i have my surgery cuz who knows what time that will be so now i have to either again try and find a way or find a new doctor which i dont really wanna do but i think i may have to try Dr. Gus i think his name is he works out here but i cant knock the man till i see him but the Barix clinic is just so great to me i am so lost but i wont give up also after ya consult then send out ya paper for approval says it take 6 weeks so i will have to wait i really aint even thinking about it cuz i am so focused on how i can get to the place.. well if anyone has any ideas please send then here.. well i guess i will go read some more about the doctor Gus and see if i can make a consultation.. keep me in ya prayers as i will keep you...
May 27,2005
well i guess you cant have the good without some bad.. i have been doing alright.. and the most amazing thing happened i still cant believe its real someone from OH that lives really close to me has told me that she would be more than willing to take me to the barix clinic when i need to go..for the surgery part to she said she would help me.. i just feel like she is an angel sent from god.. but here goes the bad news now yesterday someone calls me from my doctors office the billing department and they tell me that my last 3 visit have not been covered that it says in the notes that they need proof i am in school so i take the womans name and tell her i will get my mom to call the insurance company and see whats going on and get back to her.. so my mom calls them and tells they she been gave them a letter back in 09/04 so the woman transfers her to someone else and then she gives me the phone and the woman says yes we have that letter but we need something for 2005 to say u been in school for 2005.. so now i have to call my school and tell them i need a letter stating i have been going to school from 09/04-now.. and the barix clinic told me they summit for approval shorty after u leave so i know if they did i will prolly be denied because of it because i dont have any insurance.. i hope they re instate me asap.. so i can start getting these test done that i need to be done..its just always something and u know what i dont even mean to complain but i just need to get my feeling out.. and maybe this will help the next person who knows..also i am feeling kinda sad because my baby is going home sunday and i dont want her to i have gotten so used to her being here i dont know what it is gonna be like without her but i will make it with gods help.. but i am just blessed to have an angel sent to me who is willing to help me.. i just hope i am not dreaming and this is real i dont mean to doubt it but i have been let down sooo much about this... well i guess i am done getting down on myself i will update another time... please keep me in your prayers..
June 01,2005
well these past few days have been rough not really as in my wls but as in my personal life cuz like i said before my baby has went home sunday and i am soo very sad i miss her soo much i was just so upset crying and everyday its just i love her soo much i am so greatful to be married to such a wonderful woman we will prolly move together soon but right now it just cant happen but pray for me that i will find some strengh to be aight till she come back she coming in like a week but it seems like forever yall know what it is like when ur man or woman isnt near and u miss them like crazy but now the wls issues well my insurance i called them cuz i wanted to make sure i got everything right for this letter they needed so i called my insurance and spoke with a wonderful women name Rashada Williams and she helped me and i didnt even need a letter from my school cuz the only reason they thought i needed one cuz they was thinking i went to a new school so she got that handled and told me any other issues or any help i need just call and ask for her and now i can go to my appointments and everything so i was excited just seemed like everything is working out well with this part.. now i have been looking for someone to give me a psychiatric consultation but everyone i call either doesnt do it or isnt taken new patients so now i am just suck but i will work it out.. so these are my appointment dates..
Stress Test- June 6th 8:30 am and June 8th 8:45 am they said it had to be two days..
Sleep Study- July 11th 2:00 pm this is just my first appointment i dont think they do the study this day well i dont know what they do actually..
and Psy consult-????
dont know when that will be just yet..
as for my sleep study thats the soonest day they have but i am on the list if anyone should cancel i could get there dates lets hope i do.. but as for my insurance approval i havent heard anything i think i should start calling the Barix Clinic and seeing what they have been doing ya know.. cuz they said after ya consult they send ya papers for approval out so i think i will call or email tomorrow ya know.. but i guess i am done complaining for now lmao i just want yall to pray for me cuz this aint easy but i know nothing in life worth having is and i am not gonna give up.. cuz i need this for a healther longer life.. so yall pray for me and i will pray for yall..
June 13,2005
hey everyone i know its been a while since i have wrote but my baby has been here and still is and i have been tied up well on june 6 then on june 8 i had my stress test it was alright that treadmil was a hoot but i cant be mad so they will send that off.. then on july 11 sleep study.. well this saturday i wrote an email to my rep Elizabeth from the barix clinic in MI i think that is the main office so i wrote her a email asking if they recieved my stress test result just checking up on my approval cuz they say it can take 4 to 6 weeks and its been about 3 so i was just wondering if they sent it off any status info just because like i said before i was just wondering.. and i havent really been worrying about wether i have been approved cuz i was so sure it would be a long fight so i was saving my waiting for when they wrote me back and said yes or no to if there was any info so today i got a call from Elizabeth and she tells me i am APPROVEDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and i am just so happy she says they are waiting for the paper copy to be mailed out from the insurance company and then someone will call me and set up a date or however that work i am just so excited that i am approved and like i told the lady i didnt really have time to worry it only took like 3 weeks can you believe it i was so ready to fight and think it would be hard for me i am just thankful that it wasnt now i have to do these test and all will be done and i will be ready i am ready excited and just full of joy and i never though this would happen but here i am approved thank the lord this is truly a blessing and the best news i have had in a long while well i will go just had to share this i will keep everyone in my prayers and keep yall updated and you all do the same for me..
June 23,2005
i know u all are prolly like darn she just dont update like she used to before she was approved but thats not it i have been busy and my baby was here she has went home and i am missing her but i will live even tho its just a lil harder without her here.. okay off that since i found out i was approved i have been really in a hurry to get the rest of these test done ya kno.. well u know i had my stress test on the 6th and 8th that was received to the people at Barix clinic shortly after that i found out i was approved then i was still searching for someone to do my psy eval well a lil while back i posted asking for help on the new jersey board and someone gave me a name and number i called and he got me in june 22 yes yesterday only had to pay my 10 co pay and it took 45 to an hour just talked about me and why i wanted the surgery he explained it even tho i knew all he was saying i let him anyway he was very nice.. it seemed like a shorter time because the time just flew as i talked to him my wife went with me she is so sweet to me.. so he said he would send it off the same day via fax so there is on more thing tooken care of and i may say that talking to him has made me understand a few things and i know this may sound wacky but i may start going to someone on a regular basic because it felt good to speak with someone about the past and them to see and help me maybe i will see if he can be that someone or maybe someone closer ya kno but anyway now i only have one more test can u scream YAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO i am so happy after this last test which is my sleep study thats for july 11 i can get a date can u believe it me having a date its just amazing i cant wait to be a loser oh i cant wait.. but its just i have been trying so long for this and for it to now be happening i just thank god.. even tho there is some personal issues i am dealing with this does help lift my spirts and i can only give thanks and glory to the lord.. i feel so tired and my mussels hurt and walking hasnt been fun for sometime i cant wait till some of this weight is gone no not just to look good but to feel good to walk and not fell held down no walk in a room and wonder if i can fit in them seats not have to be the fat girl with the pretty face just be able to LIVE this surgery gives people like me a way to Live and god i am so happy that i will be able to live just a wonderful thing that so many take for granted but i know it all will work out.. i guess i have gone on long enough until next time pray for me and pray that i can get a early date on my sleep study..i will pray for u all best of luck...
July 07,2005
hey everyone i know its been a long while since i have updated well everything is aight i have my sleep study on monday i dont think i will be spending the night but rather just meeting the doctor i think i said that before but just a reminder.. i bought the wls for dummies book it has been some good reading i am not done it yet tryna take my time with it.. after this test i guess i can go on to get a date i am ready... i have applied to college i just have to take the placement test and i have to go up to motor vechiles and get a book to study for my permit test i already had a permit but once and i took the driving test but failed it while due to i was soo nervous and when it came to parking i just messed up so i was soo hurt i guess i gave up i wish i didnt but i did so now my test scores for that permet are too old so i have to take the test again so now thats my goal to get my liesence before the summer over or atleast my permit again... i signed up for college in the spring so i wouldnt have to take time out when i have wls and miss class... so these are my goals for now i am tryna relax but its hard u know... i really cant wait to have this surgery i am excited for now i will be worried later lol.. my girl is gone and i miss her but this time has left me with nothing but time to go over our relationship and i kinda dont think thats a good idea i wont get into it but i dont know what the future holds thats all i will say about that.. we are susposed to be moving at the end of this month early august so i really dont wanna have the surgery until after that u know.. seems like this is gonna be one summer it seems like whenever i move when we get to the new house it doesnt feel like home to me but i mea i guess cuz it aint my home ya kno.. but i will update after my appointment on the 11th everyone be safe and take care i will u all in my prayers...
July 18,2005
well i kno i havent been to good with keeping up with is journal but i am trying so please bare with me.. well i went to my sleep study on the 11 of this month well it was to actually meet the doctor and i guess have him decide wether i needed to have a sleep study which was crazy all in itself because i think they could ask u them questions over the phone so now on July 27 i have to go there and spend the night but i wont talk with the doctor about my result till august 29 i hope that they can send them to the barix clinic before than but if not its working in god's time not my own so i can not be upset about that.. i lost a few pounds cuz i had crept back up to 340 but now 337 which is aight i just dont wanna getting any bigger i mean i was thinking i should act crazy and eat but that wont do anything but make the time i wait harder cuz i will out grow these clothes and i have really not even bought clothes for the summer cuz i think it will be a waste of money i wasnt tryna have my surgery in august anyway cuz we are moving then and i wanted to be settled by then cuz moving and have surgery is not even happening...so i feel like the loose ends are being tied up after this test i can get a date it seems so unreal..i bought wls for dummies book i think i said that and i read threw it all the time its some good reading some answers without filling the board up with questions even tho i kno they dont mind answering everyone on here is so nice i dont get how people could find a bad in oh it has saved so many lives but u cant make everyone happy and as long as i am happy thats all that matters.. i am nervous tho that this is really happening then u get doubts but thats all normal i know this surgery is the only way i can have a long healthy life i am tooo young to be so limited.. next time i get some money i am gonna order some samples from online of protein drinks.. just to see if i like any of them ya kno..well i have decided to split from my partner because i have seen the light and the shit we put up with cuz we over weight and having personal issue is a mess and i am fed up if i am gonna have this surgery and have a new life i cant have the old things that hold me down still on me and i should remove them if i can so thats why we cant be together i let alot slide but i dont deserve someone who i have to let things slide i deserve someone who will love and treat me the way i deserve big or small shouldnt matter so i am freeing myself..i am sad cuz i do love her but i cant stay and keep being hurt and crying thats not good for my heart or my soul and not my weight either u kno eating a whole thing of ice cream cuz u are sad and stressed no more of that i need to move on and out..my birthday is coming up august 13 i will be 20 i cant believe it i am getting so oldor so i say right but i am growing up i have been growing up for a while now and i dont except as much as i used to i kno u thinking i am talking like some 55 year old but i am forreal i cant just except what i can get i should get what i expect and what i deserve.. well i have venting and typed long enough i will try to update more i really will but until the next time u are all in my prayers and pray for me lord knows i need it...
July 25, 2005
well its just two days till my sleep study i am not that worried only thing is my lil womenly friend has come and she is never really a joy but i am sure they dont want u up to the bathroom all night so i will be drinking the smallest amount on the 27th as i can.. i am hoping maybe it wont start till that day and i can be aight cuz u kno well for me it starts out slow then like lava then slow lol sooo crazy huh... well this is a step closer to wls and i am a bit nervous about that part cuz its just i will have to live a new way and cook different chew chew chew not drink while i eat that one is hard to image lol but the water i can get cuz i love bottled water and i can get just freezing a big thing and sipping all day..i think my surgery will be september cuz i wont speak with the doctor about my result until august 27 or 28th i have to look at the page so i think i need to speak with him but thats okay i am in no big rush i am on gods time and leaving it in his hands u kno before i used to be like i want it now now i dont know if its i am getting cold feet but i dont think thats it i think that i am just excepting that that kinda mind frame wont leave me no where but dissapointed because all things in god's time not my own.. i have been considering getting a loan for school but i dont know if i should do that or just apply for finacial aid i think if i get the loan i wont need the aid but i cant remember if u have to pay the aid back i kno u have to pay the loan back...i will talk it over with my mom cuz i need a co signer anyway so i mean it would help not just with school but some house things and they say u dont have to just use it on school things and a car would be nice and a bed but i mean thats living expense sooo thats cool but like i said i will have to talk to my mom also it will help with the surgery cuz i have to pay 300 towards it so i mean this loan would be a help even tho i would be paying it back for maybe 15 years but i dont really mind that i mean if its after i get outta school i will get me a job and pay it off i keep thinking this is what i should do cuz i have been getting this over and over.. and it seems to be the thing that can help everyone not just me so i am really thinking on it... i kno this one isnt really about wls but i just needed somewhere to vent and to voice my concerns well i will update after i get back from my sleep study tell yall how that went.. pray for me and i will pray for u..stay blessed..
July 29,2005
i am very mad cuz i wrote this entry then went to unplug my flat irons and it cut my computer off.. so here we go again that sleep study was from hell i mean i didnt get a good nights rest whatever that thing says it prolly not right cuz i didnt sleep anywhere to how good i sleep at home.. i mean all the wires then the pressure of the fact i was tryna make myself fall asleep i mean i dont go to bed till 3 or 4 am and they want me in bed at 11 i mean good grief and i mean everytime i would get to sleep i would wake up cuz the wires where bothering me cuz i dont like things on my face or around my neck i take off all jewlery when sleep but they had wires and things taped everywhere so it was really bothering my sleep... then the lil naps threw the day its like as soon as i would get to sleep she would walk in a say time to wake up.. i really wanted to choke her but its not her fault she just doing her job... and may i say the place and staff where great i mean i didnt sleep but thats not really on there part its on mine they made me as comfortable as they could soo i cant say anythingb bad about the place or the staff they both get 2 thumbs wayyy up now for the wires and all that damn them to hell damn them wires and hook up there evil lol...they even let me see what the cpap machine feels like and it fine as long as u dont try and breathe threw ya mouth then it just feels like to much air.. but i guess we shouldnt sleep with our mouths open anyway something may fly in or maybe drool out lol i kno thats how i kno i was sleeping good i wake up to drool lol.. i wont kno my result till august 29 but i did ask to be put on the list if someone cancels to be bumped up.. lets just cross out fingers toes eyes legs arms everything lol... then i will have a date yayaya.. oh and one more joy i had to bare they put this gunk in ya hair to hold the wires and i had just did my hair a few days before going so when i get home i have to wash this mess out i was upset cuz doing my hair is a 3 hour event maybe more.. so i get home and what do u kno i have noo more shampoo so i use this cheap kind and now my hair feel dry and doesnt feel the same sooo now i have to redo the whole thing after i buy my normal shampoo isnt that just the icing on the cake..not wait the icing is my period came on i was at the sleep study from the 27th to the 28th and i knew it was coming soon so i wore a pad so i wasnt messed up that bad but on the 28 it came on and my cramps where killing me and they wanted me to nap 4 naps and then they kept waking me up when they got good hormones and lack of sleep do not mix but i didnt get evil with them like i said its not there fault but i just was not a happy camper... well i mean atleast i am steps closer to a date the date is right there i can feel it.. lmao i am soo silly... but please believe when i get one i will let u guys kno my birthday coming up august 13 i will be 20 years old wow where did the time go i am getting old ladies getting old i wanna turnn 22 then just stop cuz anything older is not for me lmao..nah just messing i will say that when i am like 40.. well i have vented enough for one day i will come back soon maybe in august maybe before and if something happens oh for sure i will be back sooner.. keep me in your prayers as i keep u..stay blessed
August 22,2005
i kno its been a very very long time and sooo much has happened i turned 20 on august the 13th.. it was aight.. i have my appointment with the sleep study doctor on August 29th to get the result of my sleep study and then hopefully i get a date for surgery it has been so damn hard this month but threw gods grace i have made it threw i still dont even kno how i am gonna get back and forth to where i am gonna have my surgery..hopefully a way will be made..i kno there has to be a way.. all this stuff that i have been going threw is just the devil tryna get me down and i wont let him i put all my faith in god he will make away where there was no way... i wont list all that went wrong i aint gonna go threw all that cuz i kno its part of a bigger plan for me and my family...tomorrow i am going to take my permit test i really hope i pass because i really need to get driving it would help out my mom alot as well as me.. but i will pray and do what i have to on my end..i really dont have much to say i guess thats why i havent been writing i dont wanna complain a whole lot that wont do anything.. i will just pray and ask god for help..he already knows i just need to come before him and ask for his help..he is making a way i kno as we speak..well i will write again after the 29th to tell yall where i am on getting a date.. i will keep u all in my prayers u do the same for me...
November 5,2005
hey i kno it has been a while since i last updated i guess i got a lil off track and felt a lil bad for myself alot has happened since my last update i have changed surgoens from the barix clinic in pa now i am going to dr. Slotman i went to see him the 3rd of this month and i already had done some test before so he wanted me to do a few more test like an upper gi and nutritonal conseling nov 9th and i am gonna try and get some blood work done that day as well.. then i see the cardiologist nov 14th then the sleep result for my second study on dec 6th and the only thing left is seeing my primary doctor i have to make an appointment for that.. oh yeah i am in a relationship with someone new i really love her and i hope it works out we will see but it seems like this surgery is almost here then i have some good news i wrote a letter to my inscurance company so that they can cover 100 percent of the hospital stay because the doctor is covered 100 percent but the only thing was it wasnt gonna be a cooper hospital witch is a hospital that could have been covered 100 percent so i wrote them a letter and asked if they could cover it 100 percent because its not my fault the surgery cant be done at coopers its not my fault they dont offer it so they told me that they will cover everything 100 percent i wont have any out of pocket expensive all they need is to hear from dr. slotmans office that i indeed qualify for the surgery soo i am on my way i think by dec i will have a date yayay i cant wait finally things are looking up for me i kno what i type might not make much sense so i hope u can figure it out..but jus wanted to update i will be better with this i have 2 run oh yeah weight 328 can u believe that i lost weight didnt even kno i was how wonderful..
