Alexx
Better but just not enough..
Jun 22, 2007
I'm almost 3 weeks post op and of course I still feel exhausted. I've finally started the puree diet, but it feels strange eating. Its wonderful to taste tuna fish and surprisingly even scrambled eggs, but it feels weird eating. I'm so aware of my digestive track that even drinking feels weird and uncomfortable instead of refreshing.
I also have what appears to be a permanent case of dry mouth.cotton mouth. No matter how slowly I drink my 4 ounces
I suppose on a slightly better note the heaviness/tiredness in my chest and upper back is gone, but the difficulty breathing isn't. My hear beats so much faster now and breathing while I walk is still as much an issue as ever. I'm starting to wonder whats wrong with me.
*sigh* Jesse hasn't spoken or contacted me in over a week. My phone calls to him fo unanswered and never returned making me wonder what I've done wrong. Yeah he's no longer my boyfriend, yeah I'm still in love with and miss ing him, but hes my best friend too. He said Im the greatest friend he ever had and that he would be devastated if I left his life, yet he won't talk to me..
What did I do to deserve all this? First I lose the man I love and the future I've been fighting for, but now I lose my best friend too? I don't know how longer I can keep doing all this, I really don't.
I also have what appears to be a permanent case of dry mouth.cotton mouth. No matter how slowly I drink my 4 ounces
I suppose on a slightly better note the heaviness/tiredness in my chest and upper back is gone, but the difficulty breathing isn't. My hear beats so much faster now and breathing while I walk is still as much an issue as ever. I'm starting to wonder whats wrong with me.
*sigh* Jesse hasn't spoken or contacted me in over a week. My phone calls to him fo unanswered and never returned making me wonder what I've done wrong. Yeah he's no longer my boyfriend, yeah I'm still in love with and miss ing him, but hes my best friend too. He said Im the greatest friend he ever had and that he would be devastated if I left his life, yet he won't talk to me..
What did I do to deserve all this? First I lose the man I love and the future I've been fighting for, but now I lose my best friend too? I don't know how longer I can keep doing all this, I really don't.
2 weeks post op
Jun 17, 2007
Well, I'm officially 2 weeks post op. This is my first blog entry and I guess it will be more of a vent than anything else. Jesse logged on tonight. I didn't know how to react really, so I decided to let him make the first move and say hi first.
Big mistake. He didn't say hi. He logged off, just like that. Heh, I called him right after, knowing he wouldn't pick up, but at least he would know that I wanted to talk. Hes the person I trust most in the world, and I'm still in love with him. I'm sure my online friends and friends here are getting sick of hearing me whine like this. I've been tryingto keep quiet, just hold it all in, but it just amplifies the loneliness and hurting over Jesse.
*sigh* I've been feeling pretty weak and tired lately. I was supposed to go for a walk by the water again today, but I didn't. I just couldn't get up to it. Every few steps my chest felt heavy and I felt like I just needed to stop and sit down. Instead my mom and I decided to drive over to Kingsborough Community College so we would know where it is and how to get there. Its in such a crowded and busy area! I was in the car, but I still started to panic! I imagined myself taking the subway/bus to get ther eand I was just...hell no. I'm just not prepared for that, least not yet.
This week will be pretty busy for me I suppose. I still can't stop thinking about Jesse and missing and hurting over him. Its really killing my already almost non-existant confidence. I'm so aware that I'm alone and have no friends. Everyones teling me that I'll find love again and that I'll make friends, but I just can't see it. I have my entire life as proof and pattern that people won't be my friend, at least not genuinely, and that I won't be loved, not romantically.
I have noticed that my face seems less chubby lately. As of Wednsday I've only lost like 10 pounds and from what I've read in other peoples blogs here ishould have lost at least 15-20. Maybe I'm expecting too much. I'm definitely impatient, but the thing is I don't feel lighter. I feel weaker and tired. I mean, on a cood cool crisp night I could do my walk and it would be an hour long and almost 30 blocks distance. lately its less. My weekend walks are measures in miles and its 2 1/2- miles long. Yesterday it was almost worse than when I first tried. I kept having to stop so I could breathe or to let the lightheadedness pass.
Its so hard to be positive. In fact its freaking impossible with everything. I only got 59 grams of protein today, making me 11 grams short of the minimum daily requirement. I don't understand why every proten supplement I take makes me wanna throw up.
I feel like I just wanna disappear so I don't feel anything anymore. Steve (my therapist) says thats normal, as long as I'm not suicidal. I guess I should try to sleep now. I'm exhausted but I keep putting it off because I feel like if I sleep it means I'll wake up and have to face a whole entire new day of this, and that just...well, take care, even if no one reads this.
Big mistake. He didn't say hi. He logged off, just like that. Heh, I called him right after, knowing he wouldn't pick up, but at least he would know that I wanted to talk. Hes the person I trust most in the world, and I'm still in love with him. I'm sure my online friends and friends here are getting sick of hearing me whine like this. I've been tryingto keep quiet, just hold it all in, but it just amplifies the loneliness and hurting over Jesse.
*sigh* I've been feeling pretty weak and tired lately. I was supposed to go for a walk by the water again today, but I didn't. I just couldn't get up to it. Every few steps my chest felt heavy and I felt like I just needed to stop and sit down. Instead my mom and I decided to drive over to Kingsborough Community College so we would know where it is and how to get there. Its in such a crowded and busy area! I was in the car, but I still started to panic! I imagined myself taking the subway/bus to get ther eand I was just...hell no. I'm just not prepared for that, least not yet.
This week will be pretty busy for me I suppose. I still can't stop thinking about Jesse and missing and hurting over him. Its really killing my already almost non-existant confidence. I'm so aware that I'm alone and have no friends. Everyones teling me that I'll find love again and that I'll make friends, but I just can't see it. I have my entire life as proof and pattern that people won't be my friend, at least not genuinely, and that I won't be loved, not romantically.
I have noticed that my face seems less chubby lately. As of Wednsday I've only lost like 10 pounds and from what I've read in other peoples blogs here ishould have lost at least 15-20. Maybe I'm expecting too much. I'm definitely impatient, but the thing is I don't feel lighter. I feel weaker and tired. I mean, on a cood cool crisp night I could do my walk and it would be an hour long and almost 30 blocks distance. lately its less. My weekend walks are measures in miles and its 2 1/2- miles long. Yesterday it was almost worse than when I first tried. I kept having to stop so I could breathe or to let the lightheadedness pass.
Its so hard to be positive. In fact its freaking impossible with everything. I only got 59 grams of protein today, making me 11 grams short of the minimum daily requirement. I don't understand why every proten supplement I take makes me wanna throw up.
I feel like I just wanna disappear so I don't feel anything anymore. Steve (my therapist) says thats normal, as long as I'm not suicidal. I guess I should try to sleep now. I'm exhausted but I keep putting it off because I feel like if I sleep it means I'll wake up and have to face a whole entire new day of this, and that just...well, take care, even if no one reads this.
