Becky B.

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Life is getting sweeter every day. I can cross my legs now. I can look in the mirror and see the makings of the girl I remember being. I can buckle lmy seatbelt without causing a rubber band reaction that would put your eye out. I can wear clothes from wal-mart. I can roller skate. I can paint my toenails without becoming cyanotic...lol.  I have gone from size 32 to now 24 and stll losing. I think I really will lose the last 120 lbs I had hoped to lose or even just daydreamed of losing. I believe I love me again, which is key. I have self worth again. I bagged up 8 bags of clothes I will be able to share with my friend. I have room in my closet for all the new clothes I will be buying. I have smaller clothes hanging up just calling my name...I can't wait. So far I have gone from 367 lbs to 246 lbs as of today, which in itself is a miracle. I beleive I am already now a weight that is below what requirements are for many amusement park rides, and know for sure by spring and summer i will be riding rides at the amusement parks until stand them anymore...! I wore pantyhose yesterday without ripping them out, and they were comfortable! I got my divorce from an emotionally abusive man last month, and that itself was the weight of an elephant off my shoulders...not to mention its kinda fun seeing him squirm when he sees that I'm getting hot and sure the heck is NOT! I am enjoying the newclothes that people are giving me left and right, blessings from GOD I know. I am being active doing t ings I would not have done 6 months ago such as bowling...would have been too self conscious of people saying things like "Mommy , look at the fat lady bowl!" I'm not dreaming th is up either, people are mean as hell, and I have for sure lived it. So, eventually I just got to where I wasn't putting myself out there for that so I would just stay home, and sank further and further into depression and what felt like hopelessness. I don['t feel those feelings at aall anymore.There is health and happinss in my life now, not to mention I am off BP meds and my BP is usually aroun 120/80. SWEET! I might get to live now! and...a quality life at that! Well, for tonight that about wraps it up!  Tune in soon for another positive update! That's all folks!

Well I'm getting the hang of this pouch thing. I know not to pile too much on my plate just about 1/2 cup and one bite more is too much. My mind is starting to catch up with my stomach. It is a behavioral learning time for me. I am down 22 lbs from my surgery date and 29 lbs from my preop visit 6 weeks ago. I dont know how much others are losing but it is my journey. I feel good and clothes are starting to fall off time for some new ones. I am getting excited! SOme days my brain says "Becky you really want to eat a giant meal and after 2 or 3 bites I am already getting full and chewing and chewing makes you get sick of eating. I realize sometimes you have to sacrifice to get where you want to be in life and this is it for me. I am sacrificing my behavioural habit of turning to food for entertainment, for sadness, for happiness, for boredom etc. Eating is really a chore now and it is not fun anymore. I do it because my tummy says I'm hungry or because I am feeling wiped out and need energy. Don't get me wrong I still like the flavor of food but it just takes minimal amounts. Flavors are important to me and quality of the food. I dont have much room so I am learning that I really must pick protein for energy and satiety. My brain still thinks a big old sandwich on my favorite wheat berry bread and a fat pile of crunchy chips looks very appetizing but no way could I even eat any of that. The meat on the sandwich is likely more than I can handle and I will likely give some to Buddy Jackson (my dog) before I finish. Buddy is going to need puppy bariatric surgery if I don't stop...lol

Yesssss! It finally happened! I am post op day 3 and doing really well. Drinking lots of fluids, walking a lot. I had a great experience at SUmmit Medical Center in Edmond Oklahoma. I had previously worked there while trying to find a way to get insurance to pay for surgery so I know the staff and love them all. That made my surgery day worry free because I knew we had a ine staff of professioals who were my friends. I got th royal queen treatment for two reasons a) because the staff members are my friends and b) because the staff is ruly dedicated to making your experience wonderful and keeping you comortable. I did my part too as I knew what was expected of me. I used to teach just what I am supposed to do so there was no reason not to follow everything Dr. Broussard asked of me. It went very smoothly. I have seen patients there when I worked there that were no so excited about following the rules and had to be encouraged greatly to do what they were supposed to which is drink, walk, pee, get up to weigh and have labs drawn  before the crack of dawn. Its no big deal as lon as you prepare yourself for it.  I am now on my new journey to weight loss and I plan on following all the rules Dr. Broussard gave me. If you do that it works and your pouch will be your best friend. I know that it is easy to fall off the wagon and mess up so I just plan on following the rules no ifs ands or buts and its a lifestyle change that is going to make the length and quality of my life o much better. I have no idea what size clothing I will wear in the end but it is a lot of fun thinking that I can actually shop in regular stores soon. I have no idea how to shop that way but I'm sure I'll get a jump start on it! I am feeling so wonderful knowing I am going to have a better life now. I hope the scales will be my friend now instead ofmy worst dreaded nightmare. Incisions are healing nicely a little sore and bruised no big deal really. I am staying on top of the pain so that I can go for my walks and do my incentive spirometer less painfuly. I am going back towork on Monday. I will tell you I have taken care of a few patients who had gastric bypass the old fashioned way where they were opened wide up and came out with NG tube, foley catheters and stitches all the way up their abdomen and looked like a human zipper. Wow , NOTTTT fun! Now it is done laproscopically and recovery is amazingly quick and risk for infection minimal compared to the old fashioned way. And going back to work less than a week from a major surgery...unbeleivable! If you are thinking of having this surgery dont hesitate. Dont waste one more second of your life in misery and obesity if you can do something about it! If insurance and getting surgery paid for is a problem do it anyway. Get started! Go to a seminar free and learn what it is about. Get focusd and pray. SOmething will happen for you  if you stay persistent and nver give up. Just DO it! Good luck to all who are waiting and all who are thinking of his surgery. Its going great I will keep you posted on progress!  Today I weigh 317 which is up 8 lbs since surgery sounds bad but I had IV fluids puped into me that cause your weight to go up for a few days after surgery but then I expect the scales to start spiraling downward! Cant wait! 

Wow its finally really here! I am having mixed emotions number one being so excited to be the new me. Something has changed within me already. I have a few fears mosly of can I really live without my old crutch food. And then Iremind myself, Was I really living with my crutch FOOD? NO WAY. Missing out on lots of things normal sized people do and isolating myself socilly for the past 15 years.Forget that. Its all gonna be so worth it.I promise myself I will NEVER NEVER NEVER go back to the way I was. I will make a pledge to use my pouch as the tool thats going to help me get to where I want to be and to use it wisely and never forget where I came from and where I could be again if I abuse my pouch. Hope the next seven days go by fast and then I wake up with 3 -4 little incisions and a new life. We take a lot of things for granted. Just the journey of getting to the point of surgery is enough to remind me of how lucky I am to have this chance. If my Dad would have had the opportunity to have this type of surgery the way it is today he would still be alive I am almost certain. I have watched people go in and have this surgery who did nt want to try and do what they were supposed to and wined and griped the whole time. Those are the ones who won't do well and wil end up fat again and who may land themselves in the hospital for complications that are self induced. I am gearing up my brains and hopefully will not fall off the wagon after surgery. NEW LIFE here I come! 

Well, I am waiting, patiently for the net 3 weeks for Oct 13, and I am thinking Oh if I can just make it till then, I cant stand being this way anymore. I went to Tan and Tone today and did their workout to help me begin to tone, and gave then got 10 minutes of serinity while feeling the warm lights tanning me and listening to some tunes. I am an instant gratification kind of person, and I know in about a week at least I'll be having a pretty good tan, not skinny but making me feel better. Treating myself to something good thats not made of chocolate or bread. It feels good. The workout feels good too. Then I'll do a few strengthening excercises and stretches with my 3 lb weights. And without a doubt I will walk my  mile I have been doing and tonight I am going to bump it up to 2 miles. My sister is planning to do a 13 mile walking marathon in May and I am gonna do it too. I have a lot of training to do! I can imagine what it must be like to cross the finish line. I am daydreaming of what it will be like to buy clothes not in a plus size store. It makes me want to push harder, walk faster, smile more, work out a little longer and eat something healthy for me at dinner. I am noticing that without all the carbs, food tastes better than ever. I have noticed that sauces and flavorful spices are becoming more important to me (lowfat choices of course on the sauces with no high fructose corn syrup or sugars). I am in training for the RnY I tell myself, because this is it, its the new lifestyle. I am already thinking that I want to learn to scuba dive so that this summer I can go on a cruise and do a little scuba diving as well. It will be awesome to be able to do those things. I am alo thinking that next year when the fair rolls around I'm gonna get my grown kids and make them go and ride rides with me because every since they have been old enough to ride rides I have been fat and I missed out on a lot of fun with them because of that. I have decided that just like the excercise I do where I imagine something negative getting smaller and flicking it away with my fingers I am going to flick away that part of my life so I can make room for the fun new me is going to have. CAN'T WAIT!!!!!!!!

Well since the last blog a lot has happened. The job at Foundation Bariatric Hospital was very disappointing because the insurance changed just 3 days after changing careersbut I hung in there 8 months. I'm not the best med surg nurse but I'm an awesome hospice nurse and I know the difference is night and day as far as my happiness. I wanted the surgery soooooo Bad I would try anything. I can't say it was all bad though because I learned a lot and I really enjoyed working with Dr. Broussard and I made a few friends that I love and miss. I also realize that I still had some work to do before I had the surgery. I believe God knows whats best and I really needed to learn more about myself. I am struggling with loving myself especially after a 15 year on and off relationship with an alcoholic drug abusing man who I married only 2 years ago. Unfortunately he is my 15 year old son's father and I did not marry him back then because he treated me horrible and I kept going back for more. I've learned that I have codependent behavior and that I have to change something in me to correct that. The main thing is I am having to learn to LOVE MYSELF. I lost the person I used to be somewhere in the midst of it all, and I so just want to be loved. I will never be loved by an alcoholic selfish person and I am breaking the bond that keeps me coming back. The a thought or action of something he has said or done to hurt me has led me straight to chowing down on something bad for me, which made me overweight, fatigued, and feeling lost. It turned into a vicious cycle that seemed unbreakable. I realize that only I can break that cycle. I'm learning when I feel sad or hurt that instead of chowing down, I pick up my 3 lb weights and work out, or take a mile walk and drink some refreshing water with lemon and sweet and low. Instead of crying over my failures I am trying to reach for and hang on to the small successes. One failure can x out a bunch of successes, so I imagine the failures as shrinking to the size of a grain of sand and flicking them away with my fingers as if they never existed. It seems to be a really effective mental exercise for me because I am such an emotional person. Don't get me wrong, I still have to deal with this daily, but it is a start. Out of the blue, my Mom just sprung it on me that she was paying for my surgery. I could not believe this opportunity came up except for something told me that Becky you are finally ready. You are finally getting it. And I am happy to say that since the last endeavor of trying to get surgery through insurance at Foundation Bariatric hospital I have managed to lose 30 lbs and kept off 17 lbs of it in 10 mos beleiving I would not ever find a way to get the surgery. What I learned in that time is that Carbohydrates are a sure fire way to gain weight, and create bad cravings for sugar, and more carbs. I learned that both carbs and sodas even diet change my skin instantly and make me feel like crap. I am now truly loving water with lemon and crave it. I don't miss soda. I do miss sweets sometimes but there are some alternatives such as a protein bar, sugar free jello that realy do take the craving or thinking away of needing something sweet. I plan on this being my new lifestyle forever. I plan on increasing my execise as my body changes and making it my best freind whenit comes to getting rid of sadness, hurts, anger or whatever triggers that emotion button that used to lead me straight to overeating. I am making this pledge today to be the new Becky that I love and adore. I know that when I love me, everyone else will too, or at least the type of people I want to be around will. I love being a nurse and a mom and grandma, but  I will love being able to play like a kid again because the me I knw loves life, adventure, roller coasters, beingactive, smiling and laughing and loving. Me I am ready to have you back, I have missed you for a long long time, and life is too short to be dead but yet still alive. Praise the Lord I finally have a surgery date, sugery is paid for, and all I have is a cardiac stress test to do on Sept 27 and 28. Please pray for me that all goes well because I have waited a long time and I want the stress test to go well. I am beleiving for the new me and just aniously awaiting the Big Day. I beleive I have chosen one of the finest surgeons, I beleive God will be guiding his hand, and that God is going to help me be successful. I am looking for new friends who are going through or have gone through weight loss surgery and even  freinds who have been through living with a alcoholic emotionally abusive partner and have become overweight as a result. Its nice to know other people are going through the same things and nice to share ideas and thoughts and have encouraging words to share and accept.

We'll I applied for a job working for the Foundation Bariatric hospital as a nurse and got the job yeahhhhh! SInce the last endevour of my former employer changing insurance companies just when I had completed everything but needed to lose 8.5 lbs, my sis had her surgery and has lost all of her ecess weight. I have married a guy who was not good for me, spun into depression and gained all the weight I'd lost plus more. I felt there was no hope and I literally gave up almost wishing I could die. I felt like no man would ever love me this way and went back to my son's dad who was verbally and very emotionally abusive to me. I decided that it can get better than this. I watched my sister's life change and I decided It is way past time for mine to change too. I applied again for the job at the hospital where I wanted to have surgery and am starting in about a month. I am planning to work to hard towards getting this surgery and am so looking forward to helping others who have been thorugh the same things I have. I want to encourage people not to give up and to search for alternatives if the first second and third attempts to get approved don't work. Where there is a will there is a way. I currently feel like I live somewhere inside of this fat body but literally feel like I am dead. People treat me different because of my size. Men look the other way when I even walk by. I got in line to ride a roller coaster a couple of years ago just to be turned away because I couldn't even pull the safety bar down to latch. It happened while up on a platform in front of a huge line of people. ALl I could do is sob all the way down the steps and I literally found a bench hiding in the corner of the amusement park and waitied there until my family was ready to go. It ruined my whole Branson trip. It opened my eyes a little. Last week I went to the Crater of Diamonds State Park again and my now skinny sis snapped a pic of me that horrified me. I asked myself, when did I get supermorbidly obese. I don't remember myself looking this fat. I am thankfulo for the new job. I am so wiped out all the time and short of breath walking just a little ways. I feel like no man will ever love me. My husband (the loser) has been separated for me longer than we have been married doesn't even call me. I feel worthless sometimes but I am not. I help others in my profession and it is time for me to help myself. When I get the divorce I will be working on a new me. I realize how powerless and worthless people can make you feel when you are overweight. I am taking charge and the new me is going to be happy because I am taking care of me first. I am never never never settling for a relationship because I feel too worthless to have someone decent. I will do this and I will succeed. I do not believe I would have much hope without the chance for surgery. I am goiong to run with the chance when the weight starts shedding. I am going to exercise like no tomorrow and make that part of my daily routine. I feel I would die young if I did not get this chance. Please pray for me to do well at my new job and to lose the 10% of my body weight required for surgery.

Susan had her weight loss surgery  (the lapband), 2 weeks ago and had her first follow-up appointment today. She's now lost over 50 lbs since the beginning of this endeavor! WoW! I have been struggling to keep off the weight I've already lost and struggling against releasing my love for food. It just so happens that I ad an appointment this am too, and it was good news! 18 lbs down from my last visit 1 month ago. I still need off 8.5 lbs and I am still waiting for one shift with my new PT employer. Aetna is the insurance they offer. At my full-time position I have United Healthcare and all weightloss including surgery is not covered under our plan. I'm so glad for my sister! Now I know she has a chance at a long healthy life. I am so ready for my turn! Susan is looking great and got to eat some soft foods finally today after 2 weeks of clear liquids. Said eggs and tofu are the bomb, the best food she's ever had!

Well I have some goodnews, I am starting a second job PT that has aetna insurance availible after working just one nursing shift. They cover the surgery! I am back on to trying to get off 30 lbs with 12 to go.My sister is scheduled for surgery next week! Way to go Susan, she got her 30 lbs off! High five!

well, I'm a little down today as the insurance company responded with a final NO on bariatric surgery as it is an exclusion in my policy. I have an appointment Tuesday with the bariatric team. I'm trying to keep my chin up.