Cynthia C
..........a new year
Feb 08, 2007
02/05/2007
BMI: 41
WT: 257
Oh hellloooooooooooo!
I'm enjoying this process, I must report. If I never lost another pound I'm still overjoyed with being healthier, walking on my treadmill, looking like a normal human being and eating like one, too!
We've had some major events in the last three months and I'm grateful for a stronger body to help me through all of it. My mother in law died in Oct. so we had to fly back to CA. (As trite as this may seem, I was thrilled that I could fit in the seats and did not require a seatbelt extender.)
Then my father in law had heart failure last month and my husband was diagnosed with T2 diabetes. If this sounds like a lot, it is. Not for me but for my darling. Being lighter and physically stronger allows me to be more proactive for my husband's sake. I've been (I hope) helpful with his diet, encouraging him to exercise and using my obsessive qualities to get information and direction for both of us in respect to diet.
So that's what I've been up to for the last few months...I am very happy with the results of my lapband surgery and I'm so grateful to my excellent surgeon and Cigna insurance for giving me this gift of health.
BMI: 41
WT: 257
Oh hellloooooooooooo!
I'm enjoying this process, I must report. If I never lost another pound I'm still overjoyed with being healthier, walking on my treadmill, looking like a normal human being and eating like one, too!
We've had some major events in the last three months and I'm grateful for a stronger body to help me through all of it. My mother in law died in Oct. so we had to fly back to CA. (As trite as this may seem, I was thrilled that I could fit in the seats and did not require a seatbelt extender.)
Then my father in law had heart failure last month and my husband was diagnosed with T2 diabetes. If this sounds like a lot, it is. Not for me but for my darling. Being lighter and physically stronger allows me to be more proactive for my husband's sake. I've been (I hope) helpful with his diet, encouraging him to exercise and using my obsessive qualities to get information and direction for both of us in respect to diet.
So that's what I've been up to for the last few months...I am very happy with the results of my lapband surgery and I'm so grateful to my excellent surgeon and Cigna insurance for giving me this gift of health.
little by little by little by little.................
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10/25/06
BMI: 43.4
WT: 268
I like this new profile blog thingy! I can even fart around with the html! goody!!
Anyway, I had my second fill a couple of days ago. Although he had put in 2ccs initially, this time when he retracted the saline, there was only a half cc in there so he added another half. So now I'm up to 1cc. He explains that sometimes, the first fill goes "somewhere" and it never shows up again. I don't doubt it. He and I agreed on a conservative approach with only another half because I will probably be traveling to CA in the next few days/weeks, so we didn't want to have me vomiting all over the place.
I don't know if it took or if it's sufficient but I heaved like a sailor this afternoon after having a little gumbo. rice? shrimp issues? Maybe it's emotional. Lots of sad stressful stuff going on right now. I don't blame me for heaving.
Hopefully, this fill will kickstart my weightloss again. I've lost a couple of pounds, but I was hungry. I'm less so I think. (I can't tell because of that PB this afternoon.)
::fingers crossed::
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9/20/06
BMI: 43.7
WT: 271.6
Oh yes I am feeling hunger again! During the day I don't feel particularly hungry but I'm eating good sized portions for dinner so my weight loss is slowing down - still losing but slower. The band definitely puts a kabosh on how much I can eat but I can still eat a lot more than I should. I am dealing with the fact that a part of me likes eating a lot of food. That surprised me. I thought I'd be perfectly content eating tiny little portions and getting full.
I'm due for my first fill in exactly one week. Thank God. I feel healed, strong and my clothes are getting bigger and bigger which suggests to my dense mind that I may be getting smaller and smaller, something I have a hard time believing.
My wedding and engagement rings are so big they are falling off. I'll get them sized when I get close to goal.
I find myself wanting to buy clothes in 4X because I can't believe I've gone a size or two down. I can't type 2X. It's not real to me yet. My too big clothes feel good, reassuring and I guess there's a part of me ready to gain weight and fit in them again. Talk about "stinkin thinkin"!
I never want to be fat again. But I have to work on that hungry little nugget inside me that wants to eat and eat and eat.
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8/25/06
BMI: 44.9
WT: 278.8
nice. the scale finally moved again. I think the shock of eating regular food (pulverized to a fine gruel) sort of stalled the weight loss, although I am clearly shrinking. I can't wear my engagement ring above my wedding band...too big. So I'm wearing it on my other hand, where the fingers are chubbier!
Watching my body sloooooooooooowly change is the greatest thing in the world to me - it's such a miracle. I am getting smaller...not shorter but slimmer.
I have been cleared for mushies next week (at the four week mark), but I've been slowly easing into chunkier or thicker liquids in prep for mushies. To tell you the truth, I don't see much of a difference. My pulverized chicken isn't much thicker than a cream soup, and I have been cleared for soy chips, so I've had pulverized chicken on soy chips for lunch. I guess it's all relative and in any case, it's all about slowly easing into solid food.
What I am discovering is that food isn't all that important to me. I want to eat something delicious, but do I really need copious quantities of food shoveled into me at night. Nope.
One of my secret NSV's is that when my husband goes to the freezer and asks if I'd like a popsicle or something from there, I can say no and mean it. I just don't feel like eating a lot of the time. AND THAT'S SUPER!! YAY ME!!
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8/16/06
BMI: 45.7
WT: 283.3
Please note: I am a full 5 BMI points down from where I was when I first arrived.
Today was my first post op appointment with Dr. Aranow. Excellent...I've lost 14 lbs since surgery and I feel great. Yeah, still a little gassy, but I'm not nearly as gassy or uncomfortable as I was even a few days ago.
Two more weeks of liquids (my fabulous surgeon is quite conservative and cautious and I just adore him for it). (However, I am losing my mind sipping shakes and soups and broths and juice). (oh well)
(I must confess I had one weak moment and cheated.) (I stole a teeny piece of chicken from my husband's plate and chewed it and sucked on it and chewed and chewed and sucked and sucked until there was nothing left in my mouth but a few fiberous bits and then I discreetly spit that out.) (DE-LISH!)
I do not have to return for 6 weeks. I have some restriction from the surgery, so we're going to hold back on a fill for as long as possible and I'm with him on this. Two weeks from now, yummy mushy chicken and eggs, two weeks after that, a little bit more solids, adding more and more gradually. Soon I will be feasting on 2 - 4 ozs of real solid food, albeit chewing until my little mouthful is a great globby mash, but that's okay.
I'm very excited and very very fortunate. I really really really like my band.
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8/7/06
BMI: 46.6
WT: 289.2 <-- WOO WOO
It's probably all the busy belching calorie burning work I'm doing but I'm below 290 for the first time in almost ten years.
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8/5/06
BMI: 47.5
WT: 294.6
My band was installed on Tuesday, at 7:30 AM. First memory that impresses me is looking up at the OR schedule and seeing 1-ARANOW. (that was me) I was Dr. Aranows first patient and I have to say the whole thing was thrilling. I was not particularly nervous, maybe a little hyper but no real nerves pre op.
Was I scared? No. Not even a little. I trust my decision and I trust my surgeon so what's to be scared about? I remember walking into the coldest room I have ever been in that isn't a refrigerator, laying down on a narrow table, having wonderfully warm blankets put all over my body. And then...BINGO. Out cold.
I woke at around noon or so, terribly nauseated and heaving like a drunk. THEN I got scared. An injection of anti nausea meds, followed by a narcotic induced pass out and a couple of hours later I was, for the most part - absolutely fine.
First and second day I would describe myself as hurting and SORE...and gassy and thirsty and VERY wary of getting nauseous again. I was quite thirsty all the time until I was finally offered liquids. My bout with heaving held all liquids for almost the entire first day so I was sucking on ice and swabs and wiping my mouth out a lot. But hell or high water, I was up and walking within an hour of fully waking. I did six laps first day, which was a little less than a half mile.
First night I couldn't sleep. I missed home. I missed my husband. I missed guzzling fluids at will. I was uncomfortable. I had these throbbing puffs on my feet to increase circulation, so every time I had to get up to urinate, which was every hour on the hour, I had to wiggle out of the damn things and afterwards try to put them back on again and not die of agony in the process. Plus they were not what you'd call sleep inducing. Then I couldn't figure where to sleep because I hated every where me, my sore body and my IV drip and pole went - back and forth to my bed, my chair, the family room. I hit all the high spots but I really just wanted my own bed with my own hubbins. I finally konked out around 2am.
Next morning at 9, my brilliant surgeon strutted in, yanked on my well circulated puffed feet to stand up and risk puff implosion, then had me guzzle about six ozs of water after which he wobbled my jellybelly a little bit, then sagely pronounced "GO HOME".
Ah but the inhouse surrogate mothers weren't their dry little charge go as easily as all that. Their concerns about dehydration and nauseau were not ill placed. At noon it was 103 degrees in the parking lot and I wasn't exactly chugalugging fluids. But being the ward was so crowded and I was really quite fine and was at that point rattling up and down the hallways being walking clutter, an ambulatory nuisance, I was allowed to get dressed, sign out and walk out - a minor disappointment as I have YET to be wheeled out of a hospital in a nice comfortable wheelchair. Apparantly invalid status is not so easy to attain. shoot!
Uneventful trip home, took a pain pill for the soreness...NOT a good idea. Then went into my 500 degree bathroom to shower. By the time I had finished, I was hotter than when I went in, felt gummy and weird and dizzy, couldn't get my PJ bottoms on, cursed a lot and stumbled out into the nice AC'd livingroom to collapse in my recliner to sleep fitfully. And wake to belch nonstop.
Bottomline, I am feeling great. I can't tell what my stomach is feeling or what messages it's sending me, I'm hungry ALL the time but I'm so tight I can't really intake much, so it's like being in hell. But a good hell. :) I'm belching and farting and farting and belching. I've had one sad little BM I was quite happy to see actually. I almost waved to it.
I'm walking my treadmill every day. Its nice in my basement..not too hot or cool. I'm almost at a mile. I get sore at the end of my walk and I'm racing turtles, but I feel like it's all making me stronger. And I'm losing weight. I think I'm going to go below 290 this weekend. AND THAT is a milestone.
God bless my husband and Dr. Aranow. In that order. Hubbins ....scared shitless but there for the long haul, willing to look at stuff nightmares are made of. Aranow ...cute, smart, truest hands on the block. :)
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7/28/06
BMI: 47.9
(my weight is stalled and I refuse to discuss it at this time. I haven't gained but I haven't lost. I have lost inches, but still...the scale does not budge.)
The food hoarding insanity continues....my husband is finding it difficult to find spaces to put his soda cans and bottles. He doesn't understand that I'm cooking for the future. I made turkey meatballs and sauce for him...you'd think he'd be grateful...but NOOoooooooooo...he wants soda space.
feh.
anyway, I'm all ready to go. By tuesday night I will have some kind of contraption installed in my belly, tightening my loose innards and offering me a tool to stop this bottomless pit called my appetite. Then of course, the rest is up to me. AND I'M UP TO IT!!
I'm ready to bow to the forces of carb counts and trans fats and admit I am powerless before them. I forsake them in favor of olive oil and hand sized portions of protein.
I'm happy today. It's almost here and for me, it's like a party for me. All I need is a little party hat. (and a sippy cup for water).
as Tim says in Project Runway,
CARRY ON!
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7/25/06
Well...this is it. Less than a week away. One week from this very moment, I'll be in my hospital room and my husband will be there, looking a little worn and worried but being my toughguy anyway, bossing me around, telling me to get up off my ass and walk around the nurses station again. Or maybe I'll be out cold, sleeping off the anesthetic and dreaming sweet dreams. Either way, the begining is on it's way.
I don't think I'm nervous, which I suppose is a little crazy. But I've done so much research and I know my body so well, I just know all will go well, I'll go home, suffer a little pain, suffer a little confusion and fear and then a day or a week will go by and suddenly it will occur to me I don't hurt and I'm not hungry and I'll feel good.
My family is making up for what I'm not doing - THEY'RE making me crazy with all their anticipations and projections. They tell me "you're going to be soooooooooo thin", "you're going to lose sooooooooooooooooooooo much weight" and I keep trying to tell them this isn't RNY, I'm not going to lose a million pounds in six weeks, that the lapband is a slower, steadier solution. But they're not listening. What else is new?
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7/10/06
WT: 297.5 <--in a holding pattern
:::clunking my 7/7 self in the head!!:::
my date is August 1st.
ACK!!
I don't know how I screwed THAT up, but nevertheless, there it is! THREE WEEKS AND ONE DAY AWAY!
I have confirmed this with the office and that is my date.
My weight is holding...I don't really care. I'm watching what I eat, not exactly dieting, not exactly not. I want to give myself a few treats before "the knife!" The last week, I'm doing primarily shakes and fiber and that's it. But now I am enjoying the last of a decade of being ridiculously indulgent, albeit moderately so.
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7/7/06
WT: 297.5
...and now I have a date JULY 31st!!
It's almost not real, I feel so distanced from whats happening. I am exercising and dieting and seeing results, so I'm thrilled, this is not only going to be stepped up, but it's going to accelerate! I will lose weight and it's going to stay lost unless I'm a fool and throw it all away, which is doubtful if only because I'm too old to lose my mind and my focus ever again.
My daughter in law volunteered to come over with my granddaughters and take care of Grandpa and me after I come home from the hospital. I figure I'd recuperate for a couple of days and then it would be wonderful. I just want to allow for any real discomfort or anything that might scare them as they are still very young. I love the idea of being cared for by my little monkeys. They are the greatest joy of my life! And soon I'll be able to run around with them and ride bikes and be a normal healthy human being. I am a very fortunate woman.
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7/4/06
WT: 298 BMI: 48.3
It's a go. I'm approved. Thank you Cigna!!
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6/26/06
WT: 299
*I HAVE CRESTED THE BIG 300 AND NOW SURF THE HIGH 200s!!
I weighed in at 300 last Thursday, and after a week of watching the scale roll around in the area of 299/300/301, it's now settled in the 298/299/300 and today I'm 298/299 so another few pounds are lost, which is nice. I'm doing a moderate diet but nothing obsessive. And to make it easier, my husband is now dieting with me!! (this is a particularly good thing because he's given up smoking - five weeks, so far! YAY!!)
I will confess that last week we indulged the pizza demon but for me only two (large) pieces and with a huge salad to fill me as I could eat a half pizza all by myself if my stomach had it's way. I am still eating relatively normally, something I hope to do after surgery, only in much smaller portions.
One of the many reasons I opted for lapband, aside from the nature of the surgery itself vs the alternatives, is because I so enjoy cooking and baking and I could not visualize being unable to taste as I cook. I don't eat over the stove or as I bake but I will taste as I go, for seasoning, for adjusting...if you cook, you know what I'm saying. In fact I can't understand how anyone can cook without tasting..I'm not suggesting it can't be done, only that I don't want to do it, particularly since I have a choice. And now that I have a number of WLS recipes and cookbooks I have been adjusting my ingredients and how I season and portion. So my tasting has become more harmless.
I purchased a Seal A Meal so I can do more intense marinating and portion control before and after I cook. I'm looking forward to the holidays, baking and cooking and creating no/low fat meals and desserts for my family, who I KNOW will appreciate healthier meals with less calories and fat although I know (my sons particularly) enjoyed the cream/butter/sugar excesses they could always count on.
I will need to lose another few pounds but at this rate, I will acheive goal or more in plenty of time. I like losing a few pounds a week. It's manageable and I don't feel deprived.
so I'm waiting. as of Friday all papers have been submitted to my surgeon's office, to be submitted to my insurance office, to be approved by same and then well..."and then", the a new begining REALLY begins. Or maybe it's already begun. The only problem with that is that I feel so helpless to my appetite. I'm not hungry now...not because I'm not hungry but because I don't want to think about it. If I get hungry I push it away because I know my commitment to this surgery is more important than hunger. So it's worth it. Besides, I am so grateful I can see an end to this hunger that is so much a part of my body.
I purchased a bunch of exercise videos because I like to move around...a couple of jazzercise, a couple of killer cardio ones. And I started watching them while I work the treadmill, doing whatever I can manage while "treading". I'm easing into this lifestyle and feeling good. Nothing radical, nothing obsessive just slow deliberate changes.
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6/14/06
WT: 302
BMI: 48.7
More good news! After next week's last visit to my PCP, I will have completed all my obligatory preliminary tests and probes and Dr. Aranow's office will submit my paperwork!
My weight is 302. My BMI is down a few points and I am on track. The assumption is that as I continue on my own I will lose the next 6 pounds before my lapband surgery. Approval will take appx 1 month and then we schedule. Very exciting and I'm thrilled!!
I think my only disappointment is there will be no last meal. This program does not allow for that. I suppose if I lose enough weight, I can have my last party but maybe I shouldn't.
Maybe the time has come to get real and stop playing games with my life. Besides, grilled shrimp and salad and fruit compote or frozen yogurt is heaven. So are protein shakes. I think it's the habit of wanting to eat crap that compells. Not the reality of garbage food. I have to stay focused and use my head.
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6/11/06
FESSING UP and HOPES and GOALS!
I've become so so excited! Somewhere in the back of my head, I think the colonoscopy evolved into a marker: the last "procedure" before the BIG procedure. I have not discussed my weight here or anywhere because I have been so ashamed. If you're reading this, you know what I'm saying. It's intimidating and shameful to see your weight in real numbers on charts and scales and know it's true - that this number is what you have become. But I guess the time has come to admit to the world that at the age of 59 years old, at 5' 6 1/2" I weigh approximately 305, give or take a pound and at worst this past winter after Christmas I was approximately 325 lbs.
Today I am making a list of my post surgical goals. This is so wonderful - the fact that I can actually see positive MAJOR changes in my future. And I'm starting to see it now - all my exercising and dieting for eight months did not show much weight loss at first but inches lost was steady and now is visible. Suddenly I am down appx 20 odd pounds and two sizes of jeans. I feel much better even at this enormous weight. And just think...this is the begining. I've gone from a 34/32 to a 28 and when I sit in a chair, there isn't this blob of me when I look down. It's not exactly all curves, but it's not like I'm eight months pregnant either. And to me THAT is radical and I feel great AND I love protein shakes, to boot. God bless the inventor of whey protein. NO MORE GRIT! woo woo!
First and foremost my greatest hope and dream is: I simply don't want to be so hungry. I'm so tired of the ridiculous amounts of food I have had to consume in order to feel satiated. I'm sick to death of stains on the front of my shirts. I have kept a diary of my food, and yes, I was consuming too much sugar/starch/carbos, but essentially I was eating relatively healthy particularly with a few adjustments. I'm not a big fast food or junk food person. I just eat a hell of a lot of food, healthy and otherwise. I have been an "unconscious eater" and ate whenever and whatever. I seem to be changing in the food dept. Maybe the shakes and protein bars at regular hours are getting me out of the habit of needing to eat huge portions. I feel as if after my surgery and prerequisite liquid diets I can start with a clean slate.
(And I'll be a cheap date. )
I pray this weight loss will alleviate my arthritis somewhat. I don't expect miracles, but I know all this weight is putting enormous strains on my left hip and my feet where it is the worst. I walk at least a mile a day on the treadmill while working out with weights and that is aggravating it, but I don't care. It's TIME to lose the weight and arthritis be damned!
So here goes MY list (I'm sure I will think of more):
* My weight goal is 175 lbs. I'm sure that's above average weight for my height (from one of those *ideal* weight charts I believe I should be appx 140 - 160), but I think I looked rather good at 175. If I get close great! If I surpass it, SUPER!!
* I want to be able to cross my legs. You know, sit down like a normal human being and put my legs where I want to put them not whereever I can fit them and not cut off circulation. AND as a bonus I want to be able to look down and see my genitalia when I take a shower. hey now!
* I want to be able to kneel down, squat down, get down and then get UP again without grabbing on to something and hoisting for dear life. I'd LOVE to be able to sit on my heels again. I want to do situps!
* I want to fit in armchairs, not be afraid of destroying fragile chairs, fly on airplanes, ride bicycles and rollercoasters, sit in movie seats and restaurant booths and not feel as if I'm going to break it or spill over into someone else's space or just not fit. There was a point this past winter when my husband and I were at a movie theater and I was actually crowding him with my body. It was so humiliating.
* I want to wear something sexy and feminine and know that it looks sexy and feminine on me. I'm sure I can look that way now but I don't feel normal about it. Sure, there are men who think women who are overweight are hot, but that's a fetish, an aberration. No thanks!
* I want to see a picture of me that doesn't look like a distortion. I swear I avoid cameras and pictures like the plague because whenever I see the results, I absolutely cringe. I visualize the future: standing sideways at a mirror and see from the neck down breasts, waist, butt, legs with nice curves connecting them. Right now I feel like from the neck down it's one big round blob..nothing to differentiate the pieces that make me a woman. I don't feel much like a woman anymore. A wife, a grandma, an artist, but not a woman. No wonder there is so much depression associated with obesity. Fat ROBS you.
* When my daughter in law invites me to her pool, I want to go and wear a bathing suit and feel good. Maybe there will be slack skin issues. THAT I can deal with. But this business of being the biggest thing in sight is horrific. And it's killing me - physically and emotionally.
* And most importantly, I want to be active and healthy enough to live a long life, to dance at my grandchildrens (and maybe great grandchildren's) weddings, to run around with them now - to WANT to be active - to be ALIVE again!!
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6/10/06
Well I had my colonoscopy and it was a beautiful thing.
I am lying.
It was ghastly. I spoke with some friends who've gone through it and they seem to have breezed through the procedure. For me.............................
ugh
but it's over and I won't need another one for ten years.
(hahahah...think of the words: KICKING and SCREAMING! when you think CYNTHIA and COLONOSCOPY! )
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6/1/06
Hello hello hello!
I've been achy..my arthritis is flaring up with the dampness in spite of the heat, but I don't care. I'm happy! I think I've broken through the metobolic stall I was in and have begun dropping some pounds (finally!). I have to lose about ten additional pounds for my surgeon before he will do my lap band. Okay, fair enough. I've been dieting for months, shlepping along on the treadmill and stepping up wherever I could to drop some pounds. But nothing worked and like a yo yo, up and down, lose 5 gain 2 lose 1 gain 8, etcetc. What else is new?
ahhhh...I finally received my little sample packet of protein drink mixes and my GOD....they are YUMMY!! I tried mixing up a Matrix vanilla with a half banana and a package of SF Swiss Miss............it is DE LISH!! I hope they're all this good. Wouldn't it be wonderful if this one was just average and the rest are sensational!! hahahahahah (I'm getting a little light headed I think).
But....I can do this!! I can, I can!
I've been so worried about the protein drinks because I think I OD'd on SlimFast years back and I can't keep it down at my top end and when it finally goes through, it's as if I drank liquid exlax. uck. But this protein business.......these drinks...I can't wait to try them all. So today, my world is a lot brighter. And hubbins just called to say he's taking me to see DaVinci Code. yea!!
I am saying a silent prayer right now, deep in my heart I pray that Cigna will pay for this surgery and I will come through it healthy and this will be the begining of a new lease on my life.
One step left....colonoscopy in a week. About this I shall remain silent and continue my focus on the fact that I am so happy today!! yippee!!
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5/23/06
Today is a day tracking down thingys I never thought I'd spend a lot of time (much lessmoney) tracking down. Like vitamins, protein, books, and a food scale!!
Explaining all this to my husband, I will blame this rash of spending on the weather which has me feeling achy and crappy and really....I'm doing what needs to be done, something I had to do anyway. But did I need to buy sugar free lollipops? oh yes!!
For fun I just tried to insert that name thingy but it's html and the system won't let me do it. drat. I kind of liked it. I'll do it without the code and make up my own:
C creative
Y yin-ish (yang-ish too)
N nonsensical
T theatrical
H horrific without my coffee
I ingenious
A artist at large
cool. :)
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5/20/06
O MISERY!
arthritis!!
arthritisarthritisarthritisarthritisIhateitIhateitIhateit!
It's been awful all week, all winter/spring, really. I'm in CT and we've been having a month of hellish rain and moisture and precipitation and cold wetness and I've been having pain and pain and pain and pain nonstop for days and days and days and days.
The unbearable pain started about six or seven months ago with the winter. Actually it started about three years ago with my hands, nothing as terribly awful as now but my hands were locking up at night when I sleep if they get cold or cool (which is not the most wonderful thing for an artist). But now my left hip is like my enemy. I've never experienced anythng like it. And I KNOW it has a great deal to do with the weight I'm hauling around.
It's very depressing sometimes. I believe it started when I began doing treadmill walking every day. One would think the exercise would help, but it's as if the opposite is true. However, I do not care. I won't stop exercising for anything. Some days I give myself a rest, but mostly it's at least a mile/mile and a quarter every morning. I'm grateful I can do it and I know it is making the rest of me stronger. But dear God, this pain is unbelieveable sometimes. Just unreal.
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5/16/06
Almost 6 months to the day of my first post...well, I'm still here, alive and kicking, intent and determined to have my surgery hell or high water. After researching, I am opting for a lap band and hopefully Cigna will agree with my choice. I have no idea how they make their determinations. I've read good and bad. So far I've had no problems with their paying for all the preliminary tests and scans and probes, so I've got my hopes up (and fingers crossed).
As the road to surgery is in actuality a very specific step by step process (at least with Dr. Aranow), this month is where I committed to becoming active in the bariatric surgery support groups. I'm glad I did. Lots of information, but more importantly lots of support. I'm not so different and in fact very much like everyone else in that room, all of us hoping for a new start and a better turn in life.
This was a big step for me. I'm a solitary soul and while I love people, I am not the type of person who enjoys meetings and gatherings. I suppose I'm more one on one. My attending the support meetings empowered me more than I had imagined it would. I've never thought twice about my hermit inclinations. I'm an artist after all and artists tend to go off and think artist-y thoughts and mumble a lot. So my coming out was a big deal for me. And it was painless and soothing!
Today was my first meeting with our dietician Liz. I actually found it to be fun. More information, some of it serious, lots of rethinking carbs and proteins and all that other good stuff, like vitamins and more vitamins (and did I mention vitamins?). The way I see it, my mission is to find other foods and meals I like as much as what I've been stuffing in me these last few years. Foods and snacks that will satisfy and still help me lose the next 16 pounds I must diet off in order to have my lap band installed.
Right now food is the middleman, the venue to what I want: which is a lap band, the tool which will help me regain a healthy active body, a body I can take pride in, a body I can dress up and dress down and party with again. I can dream of once more dancing on tabletops. (and not worry about breaking a chair when I climb up on it.)
Installation of Le Lap Band is my primary focus as of RIGHT NOW. I've done the footwork and now it's time for the brainwork. I am begining to realize all this focus on me and my body is rather nice. It's like going to a beauty parlor. So now I am drawing up a list of delicious carbs and veggies and proteins to purchase, so I can begin to properly prepare La Bod for Le Band and the lifestyle that will accommodate our forever joining. And I can dream of a strong body for the next stage of my life.
I have HOPE!!
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11/15/05 BMI: 50.8
Who I am: I'm a 58 year old woman, born and raised in NYC (Brooklyn), married for ten years to a spectacular man from CA, two grown sons, five superduper grandkids and last but not least two ditzy dogs in residence. I worked as an artist for twenty odd years, somehow found the love of my life and moved to CA, moved back again and we ended up in CT. Go figure.
Weight has been a big issue for me always. I suspect have been dealing with thyroidism all my life, hypo as a child, hyper when I was a young woman, hypo again now that I'm middle aged. The violent death of a loved one while I was entering menopause seems to have triggered a major shift from hyper to hypo and within a year I was 60 lbs heavier.
Eventually I lost the battle to maintain any stability with my weight in spite of various diets, Nutrasystem and steady exercise. The last ten years I've watched my weight increase every year. Thank God no problems with blood pressure or elevated cholesterol, but yes my body is becoming more and more difficult to deal with. And worrisome. It's almost as if my body isn't mine anymore. Bottomline: I don't want to die prematurely.
Right now my biggest focus is figuring out whether or not WLS is for me. My weight warrants it but will I qualify with our carrier (Cigna)? Who knows? I figure if it's in the cards, it's in the cards. But wouldn't it be nice to have an aid to this lifetime of off and on dieting.
It would just be heaven to be like what seems like "everyone else"...getting full and just NOT BEING HUNGRY all the time. I don't binge eat, but I eat too much when I do eat. And even if I eat slowly I find myself hungry later on. Food is SUCH a rut. Stay tuned.
10/25/06
BMI: 43.4
WT: 268
I like this new profile blog thingy! I can even fart around with the html! goody!!
Anyway, I had my second fill a couple of days ago. Although he had put in 2ccs initially, this time when he retracted the saline, there was only a half cc in there so he added another half. So now I'm up to 1cc. He explains that sometimes, the first fill goes "somewhere" and it never shows up again. I don't doubt it. He and I agreed on a conservative approach with only another half because I will probably be traveling to CA in the next few days/weeks, so we didn't want to have me vomiting all over the place.
I don't know if it took or if it's sufficient but I heaved like a sailor this afternoon after having a little gumbo. rice? shrimp issues? Maybe it's emotional. Lots of sad stressful stuff going on right now. I don't blame me for heaving.
Hopefully, this fill will kickstart my weightloss again. I've lost a couple of pounds, but I was hungry. I'm less so I think. (I can't tell because of that PB this afternoon.)
::fingers crossed::
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9/20/06
BMI: 43.7
WT: 271.6
Oh yes I am feeling hunger again! During the day I don't feel particularly hungry but I'm eating good sized portions for dinner so my weight loss is slowing down - still losing but slower. The band definitely puts a kabosh on how much I can eat but I can still eat a lot more than I should. I am dealing with the fact that a part of me likes eating a lot of food. That surprised me. I thought I'd be perfectly content eating tiny little portions and getting full.
I'm due for my first fill in exactly one week. Thank God. I feel healed, strong and my clothes are getting bigger and bigger which suggests to my dense mind that I may be getting smaller and smaller, something I have a hard time believing.
My wedding and engagement rings are so big they are falling off. I'll get them sized when I get close to goal.
I find myself wanting to buy clothes in 4X because I can't believe I've gone a size or two down. I can't type 2X. It's not real to me yet. My too big clothes feel good, reassuring and I guess there's a part of me ready to gain weight and fit in them again. Talk about "stinkin thinkin"!
I never want to be fat again. But I have to work on that hungry little nugget inside me that wants to eat and eat and eat.
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8/25/06
BMI: 44.9
WT: 278.8
nice. the scale finally moved again. I think the shock of eating regular food (pulverized to a fine gruel) sort of stalled the weight loss, although I am clearly shrinking. I can't wear my engagement ring above my wedding band...too big. So I'm wearing it on my other hand, where the fingers are chubbier!
Watching my body sloooooooooooowly change is the greatest thing in the world to me - it's such a miracle. I am getting smaller...not shorter but slimmer.
I have been cleared for mushies next week (at the four week mark), but I've been slowly easing into chunkier or thicker liquids in prep for mushies. To tell you the truth, I don't see much of a difference. My pulverized chicken isn't much thicker than a cream soup, and I have been cleared for soy chips, so I've had pulverized chicken on soy chips for lunch. I guess it's all relative and in any case, it's all about slowly easing into solid food.
What I am discovering is that food isn't all that important to me. I want to eat something delicious, but do I really need copious quantities of food shoveled into me at night. Nope.
One of my secret NSV's is that when my husband goes to the freezer and asks if I'd like a popsicle or something from there, I can say no and mean it. I just don't feel like eating a lot of the time. AND THAT'S SUPER!! YAY ME!!
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8/16/06
BMI: 45.7
WT: 283.3
Please note: I am a full 5 BMI points down from where I was when I first arrived.
Today was my first post op appointment with Dr. Aranow. Excellent...I've lost 14 lbs since surgery and I feel great. Yeah, still a little gassy, but I'm not nearly as gassy or uncomfortable as I was even a few days ago.
Two more weeks of liquids (my fabulous surgeon is quite conservative and cautious and I just adore him for it). (However, I am losing my mind sipping shakes and soups and broths and juice). (oh well)
(I must confess I had one weak moment and cheated.) (I stole a teeny piece of chicken from my husband's plate and chewed it and sucked on it and chewed and chewed and sucked and sucked until there was nothing left in my mouth but a few fiberous bits and then I discreetly spit that out.) (DE-LISH!)
I do not have to return for 6 weeks. I have some restriction from the surgery, so we're going to hold back on a fill for as long as possible and I'm with him on this. Two weeks from now, yummy mushy chicken and eggs, two weeks after that, a little bit more solids, adding more and more gradually. Soon I will be feasting on 2 - 4 ozs of real solid food, albeit chewing until my little mouthful is a great globby mash, but that's okay.
I'm very excited and very very fortunate. I really really really like my band.
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8/7/06
BMI: 46.6
WT: 289.2 <-- WOO WOO
It's probably all the busy belching calorie burning work I'm doing but I'm below 290 for the first time in almost ten years.
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8/5/06
BMI: 47.5
WT: 294.6
My band was installed on Tuesday, at 7:30 AM. First memory that impresses me is looking up at the OR schedule and seeing 1-ARANOW. (that was me) I was Dr. Aranows first patient and I have to say the whole thing was thrilling. I was not particularly nervous, maybe a little hyper but no real nerves pre op.
Was I scared? No. Not even a little. I trust my decision and I trust my surgeon so what's to be scared about? I remember walking into the coldest room I have ever been in that isn't a refrigerator, laying down on a narrow table, having wonderfully warm blankets put all over my body. And then...BINGO. Out cold.
I woke at around noon or so, terribly nauseated and heaving like a drunk. THEN I got scared. An injection of anti nausea meds, followed by a narcotic induced pass out and a couple of hours later I was, for the most part - absolutely fine.
First and second day I would describe myself as hurting and SORE...and gassy and thirsty and VERY wary of getting nauseous again. I was quite thirsty all the time until I was finally offered liquids. My bout with heaving held all liquids for almost the entire first day so I was sucking on ice and swabs and wiping my mouth out a lot. But hell or high water, I was up and walking within an hour of fully waking. I did six laps first day, which was a little less than a half mile.
First night I couldn't sleep. I missed home. I missed my husband. I missed guzzling fluids at will. I was uncomfortable. I had these throbbing puffs on my feet to increase circulation, so every time I had to get up to urinate, which was every hour on the hour, I had to wiggle out of the damn things and afterwards try to put them back on again and not die of agony in the process. Plus they were not what you'd call sleep inducing. Then I couldn't figure where to sleep because I hated every where me, my sore body and my IV drip and pole went - back and forth to my bed, my chair, the family room. I hit all the high spots but I really just wanted my own bed with my own hubbins. I finally konked out around 2am.
Next morning at 9, my brilliant surgeon strutted in, yanked on my well circulated puffed feet to stand up and risk puff implosion, then had me guzzle about six ozs of water after which he wobbled my jellybelly a little bit, then sagely pronounced "GO HOME".
Ah but the inhouse surrogate mothers weren't their dry little charge go as easily as all that. Their concerns about dehydration and nauseau were not ill placed. At noon it was 103 degrees in the parking lot and I wasn't exactly chugalugging fluids. But being the ward was so crowded and I was really quite fine and was at that point rattling up and down the hallways being walking clutter, an ambulatory nuisance, I was allowed to get dressed, sign out and walk out - a minor disappointment as I have YET to be wheeled out of a hospital in a nice comfortable wheelchair. Apparantly invalid status is not so easy to attain. shoot!
Uneventful trip home, took a pain pill for the soreness...NOT a good idea. Then went into my 500 degree bathroom to shower. By the time I had finished, I was hotter than when I went in, felt gummy and weird and dizzy, couldn't get my PJ bottoms on, cursed a lot and stumbled out into the nice AC'd livingroom to collapse in my recliner to sleep fitfully. And wake to belch nonstop.
Bottomline, I am feeling great. I can't tell what my stomach is feeling or what messages it's sending me, I'm hungry ALL the time but I'm so tight I can't really intake much, so it's like being in hell. But a good hell. :) I'm belching and farting and farting and belching. I've had one sad little BM I was quite happy to see actually. I almost waved to it.
I'm walking my treadmill every day. Its nice in my basement..not too hot or cool. I'm almost at a mile. I get sore at the end of my walk and I'm racing turtles, but I feel like it's all making me stronger. And I'm losing weight. I think I'm going to go below 290 this weekend. AND THAT is a milestone.
God bless my husband and Dr. Aranow. In that order. Hubbins ....scared shitless but there for the long haul, willing to look at stuff nightmares are made of. Aranow ...cute, smart, truest hands on the block. :)
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7/28/06
BMI: 47.9
(my weight is stalled and I refuse to discuss it at this time. I haven't gained but I haven't lost. I have lost inches, but still...the scale does not budge.)
The food hoarding insanity continues....my husband is finding it difficult to find spaces to put his soda cans and bottles. He doesn't understand that I'm cooking for the future. I made turkey meatballs and sauce for him...you'd think he'd be grateful...but NOOoooooooooo...he wants soda space.
feh.
anyway, I'm all ready to go. By tuesday night I will have some kind of contraption installed in my belly, tightening my loose innards and offering me a tool to stop this bottomless pit called my appetite. Then of course, the rest is up to me. AND I'M UP TO IT!!
I'm ready to bow to the forces of carb counts and trans fats and admit I am powerless before them. I forsake them in favor of olive oil and hand sized portions of protein.
I'm happy today. It's almost here and for me, it's like a party for me. All I need is a little party hat. (and a sippy cup for water).
as Tim says in Project Runway,
CARRY ON!
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7/25/06
Well...this is it. Less than a week away. One week from this very moment, I'll be in my hospital room and my husband will be there, looking a little worn and worried but being my toughguy anyway, bossing me around, telling me to get up off my ass and walk around the nurses station again. Or maybe I'll be out cold, sleeping off the anesthetic and dreaming sweet dreams. Either way, the begining is on it's way.
I don't think I'm nervous, which I suppose is a little crazy. But I've done so much research and I know my body so well, I just know all will go well, I'll go home, suffer a little pain, suffer a little confusion and fear and then a day or a week will go by and suddenly it will occur to me I don't hurt and I'm not hungry and I'll feel good.
My family is making up for what I'm not doing - THEY'RE making me crazy with all their anticipations and projections. They tell me "you're going to be soooooooooo thin", "you're going to lose sooooooooooooooooooooo much weight" and I keep trying to tell them this isn't RNY, I'm not going to lose a million pounds in six weeks, that the lapband is a slower, steadier solution. But they're not listening. What else is new?
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7/10/06
WT: 297.5 <--in a holding pattern
:::clunking my 7/7 self in the head!!:::
my date is August 1st.
ACK!!
I don't know how I screwed THAT up, but nevertheless, there it is! THREE WEEKS AND ONE DAY AWAY!
I have confirmed this with the office and that is my date.
My weight is holding...I don't really care. I'm watching what I eat, not exactly dieting, not exactly not. I want to give myself a few treats before "the knife!" The last week, I'm doing primarily shakes and fiber and that's it. But now I am enjoying the last of a decade of being ridiculously indulgent, albeit moderately so.
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7/7/06
WT: 297.5
...and now I have a date JULY 31st!!
It's almost not real, I feel so distanced from whats happening. I am exercising and dieting and seeing results, so I'm thrilled, this is not only going to be stepped up, but it's going to accelerate! I will lose weight and it's going to stay lost unless I'm a fool and throw it all away, which is doubtful if only because I'm too old to lose my mind and my focus ever again.
My daughter in law volunteered to come over with my granddaughters and take care of Grandpa and me after I come home from the hospital. I figure I'd recuperate for a couple of days and then it would be wonderful. I just want to allow for any real discomfort or anything that might scare them as they are still very young. I love the idea of being cared for by my little monkeys. They are the greatest joy of my life! And soon I'll be able to run around with them and ride bikes and be a normal healthy human being. I am a very fortunate woman.
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7/4/06
WT: 298 BMI: 48.3
It's a go. I'm approved. Thank you Cigna!!
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6/26/06
WT: 299
*I HAVE CRESTED THE BIG 300 AND NOW SURF THE HIGH 200s!!
I weighed in at 300 last Thursday, and after a week of watching the scale roll around in the area of 299/300/301, it's now settled in the 298/299/300 and today I'm 298/299 so another few pounds are lost, which is nice. I'm doing a moderate diet but nothing obsessive. And to make it easier, my husband is now dieting with me!! (this is a particularly good thing because he's given up smoking - five weeks, so far! YAY!!)
I will confess that last week we indulged the pizza demon but for me only two (large) pieces and with a huge salad to fill me as I could eat a half pizza all by myself if my stomach had it's way. I am still eating relatively normally, something I hope to do after surgery, only in much smaller portions.
One of the many reasons I opted for lapband, aside from the nature of the surgery itself vs the alternatives, is because I so enjoy cooking and baking and I could not visualize being unable to taste as I cook. I don't eat over the stove or as I bake but I will taste as I go, for seasoning, for adjusting...if you cook, you know what I'm saying. In fact I can't understand how anyone can cook without tasting..I'm not suggesting it can't be done, only that I don't want to do it, particularly since I have a choice. And now that I have a number of WLS recipes and cookbooks I have been adjusting my ingredients and how I season and portion. So my tasting has become more harmless.
I purchased a Seal A Meal so I can do more intense marinating and portion control before and after I cook. I'm looking forward to the holidays, baking and cooking and creating no/low fat meals and desserts for my family, who I KNOW will appreciate healthier meals with less calories and fat although I know (my sons particularly) enjoyed the cream/butter/sugar excesses they could always count on.
I will need to lose another few pounds but at this rate, I will acheive goal or more in plenty of time. I like losing a few pounds a week. It's manageable and I don't feel deprived.
so I'm waiting. as of Friday all papers have been submitted to my surgeon's office, to be submitted to my insurance office, to be approved by same and then well..."and then", the a new begining REALLY begins. Or maybe it's already begun. The only problem with that is that I feel so helpless to my appetite. I'm not hungry now...not because I'm not hungry but because I don't want to think about it. If I get hungry I push it away because I know my commitment to this surgery is more important than hunger. So it's worth it. Besides, I am so grateful I can see an end to this hunger that is so much a part of my body.
I purchased a bunch of exercise videos because I like to move around...a couple of jazzercise, a couple of killer cardio ones. And I started watching them while I work the treadmill, doing whatever I can manage while "treading". I'm easing into this lifestyle and feeling good. Nothing radical, nothing obsessive just slow deliberate changes.
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6/14/06
WT: 302
BMI: 48.7
More good news! After next week's last visit to my PCP, I will have completed all my obligatory preliminary tests and probes and Dr. Aranow's office will submit my paperwork!
My weight is 302. My BMI is down a few points and I am on track. The assumption is that as I continue on my own I will lose the next 6 pounds before my lapband surgery. Approval will take appx 1 month and then we schedule. Very exciting and I'm thrilled!!
I think my only disappointment is there will be no last meal. This program does not allow for that. I suppose if I lose enough weight, I can have my last party but maybe I shouldn't.
Maybe the time has come to get real and stop playing games with my life. Besides, grilled shrimp and salad and fruit compote or frozen yogurt is heaven. So are protein shakes. I think it's the habit of wanting to eat crap that compells. Not the reality of garbage food. I have to stay focused and use my head.
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6/11/06
FESSING UP and HOPES and GOALS!
I've become so so excited! Somewhere in the back of my head, I think the colonoscopy evolved into a marker: the last "procedure" before the BIG procedure. I have not discussed my weight here or anywhere because I have been so ashamed. If you're reading this, you know what I'm saying. It's intimidating and shameful to see your weight in real numbers on charts and scales and know it's true - that this number is what you have become. But I guess the time has come to admit to the world that at the age of 59 years old, at 5' 6 1/2" I weigh approximately 305, give or take a pound and at worst this past winter after Christmas I was approximately 325 lbs.
Today I am making a list of my post surgical goals. This is so wonderful - the fact that I can actually see positive MAJOR changes in my future. And I'm starting to see it now - all my exercising and dieting for eight months did not show much weight loss at first but inches lost was steady and now is visible. Suddenly I am down appx 20 odd pounds and two sizes of jeans. I feel much better even at this enormous weight. And just think...this is the begining. I've gone from a 34/32 to a 28 and when I sit in a chair, there isn't this blob of me when I look down. It's not exactly all curves, but it's not like I'm eight months pregnant either. And to me THAT is radical and I feel great AND I love protein shakes, to boot. God bless the inventor of whey protein. NO MORE GRIT! woo woo!
First and foremost my greatest hope and dream is: I simply don't want to be so hungry. I'm so tired of the ridiculous amounts of food I have had to consume in order to feel satiated. I'm sick to death of stains on the front of my shirts. I have kept a diary of my food, and yes, I was consuming too much sugar/starch/carbos, but essentially I was eating relatively healthy particularly with a few adjustments. I'm not a big fast food or junk food person. I just eat a hell of a lot of food, healthy and otherwise. I have been an "unconscious eater" and ate whenever and whatever. I seem to be changing in the food dept. Maybe the shakes and protein bars at regular hours are getting me out of the habit of needing to eat huge portions. I feel as if after my surgery and prerequisite liquid diets I can start with a clean slate.
(And I'll be a cheap date. )
I pray this weight loss will alleviate my arthritis somewhat. I don't expect miracles, but I know all this weight is putting enormous strains on my left hip and my feet where it is the worst. I walk at least a mile a day on the treadmill while working out with weights and that is aggravating it, but I don't care. It's TIME to lose the weight and arthritis be damned!
So here goes MY list (I'm sure I will think of more):
* My weight goal is 175 lbs. I'm sure that's above average weight for my height (from one of those *ideal* weight charts I believe I should be appx 140 - 160), but I think I looked rather good at 175. If I get close great! If I surpass it, SUPER!!
* I want to be able to cross my legs. You know, sit down like a normal human being and put my legs where I want to put them not whereever I can fit them and not cut off circulation. AND as a bonus I want to be able to look down and see my genitalia when I take a shower. hey now!
* I want to be able to kneel down, squat down, get down and then get UP again without grabbing on to something and hoisting for dear life. I'd LOVE to be able to sit on my heels again. I want to do situps!
* I want to fit in armchairs, not be afraid of destroying fragile chairs, fly on airplanes, ride bicycles and rollercoasters, sit in movie seats and restaurant booths and not feel as if I'm going to break it or spill over into someone else's space or just not fit. There was a point this past winter when my husband and I were at a movie theater and I was actually crowding him with my body. It was so humiliating.
* I want to wear something sexy and feminine and know that it looks sexy and feminine on me. I'm sure I can look that way now but I don't feel normal about it. Sure, there are men who think women who are overweight are hot, but that's a fetish, an aberration. No thanks!
* I want to see a picture of me that doesn't look like a distortion. I swear I avoid cameras and pictures like the plague because whenever I see the results, I absolutely cringe. I visualize the future: standing sideways at a mirror and see from the neck down breasts, waist, butt, legs with nice curves connecting them. Right now I feel like from the neck down it's one big round blob..nothing to differentiate the pieces that make me a woman. I don't feel much like a woman anymore. A wife, a grandma, an artist, but not a woman. No wonder there is so much depression associated with obesity. Fat ROBS you.
* When my daughter in law invites me to her pool, I want to go and wear a bathing suit and feel good. Maybe there will be slack skin issues. THAT I can deal with. But this business of being the biggest thing in sight is horrific. And it's killing me - physically and emotionally.
* And most importantly, I want to be active and healthy enough to live a long life, to dance at my grandchildrens (and maybe great grandchildren's) weddings, to run around with them now - to WANT to be active - to be ALIVE again!!
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6/10/06
Well I had my colonoscopy and it was a beautiful thing.
I am lying.
It was ghastly. I spoke with some friends who've gone through it and they seem to have breezed through the procedure. For me.............................
ugh
but it's over and I won't need another one for ten years.
(hahahah...think of the words: KICKING and SCREAMING! when you think CYNTHIA and COLONOSCOPY! )
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6/1/06
Hello hello hello!
I've been achy..my arthritis is flaring up with the dampness in spite of the heat, but I don't care. I'm happy! I think I've broken through the metobolic stall I was in and have begun dropping some pounds (finally!). I have to lose about ten additional pounds for my surgeon before he will do my lap band. Okay, fair enough. I've been dieting for months, shlepping along on the treadmill and stepping up wherever I could to drop some pounds. But nothing worked and like a yo yo, up and down, lose 5 gain 2 lose 1 gain 8, etcetc. What else is new?
ahhhh...I finally received my little sample packet of protein drink mixes and my GOD....they are YUMMY!! I tried mixing up a Matrix vanilla with a half banana and a package of SF Swiss Miss............it is DE LISH!! I hope they're all this good. Wouldn't it be wonderful if this one was just average and the rest are sensational!! hahahahahah (I'm getting a little light headed I think).
But....I can do this!! I can, I can!
I've been so worried about the protein drinks because I think I OD'd on SlimFast years back and I can't keep it down at my top end and when it finally goes through, it's as if I drank liquid exlax. uck. But this protein business.......these drinks...I can't wait to try them all. So today, my world is a lot brighter. And hubbins just called to say he's taking me to see DaVinci Code. yea!!
I am saying a silent prayer right now, deep in my heart I pray that Cigna will pay for this surgery and I will come through it healthy and this will be the begining of a new lease on my life.
One step left....colonoscopy in a week. About this I shall remain silent and continue my focus on the fact that I am so happy today!! yippee!!
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5/23/06
Today is a day tracking down thingys I never thought I'd spend a lot of time (much lessmoney) tracking down. Like vitamins, protein, books, and a food scale!!
Explaining all this to my husband, I will blame this rash of spending on the weather which has me feeling achy and crappy and really....I'm doing what needs to be done, something I had to do anyway. But did I need to buy sugar free lollipops? oh yes!!
For fun I just tried to insert that name thingy but it's html and the system won't let me do it. drat. I kind of liked it. I'll do it without the code and make up my own:
C creative
Y yin-ish (yang-ish too)
N nonsensical
T theatrical
H horrific without my coffee
I ingenious
A artist at large
cool. :)
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5/20/06
O MISERY!
arthritis!!
arthritisarthritisarthritisarthritisIhateitIhateitIhateit!
It's been awful all week, all winter/spring, really. I'm in CT and we've been having a month of hellish rain and moisture and precipitation and cold wetness and I've been having pain and pain and pain and pain nonstop for days and days and days and days.
The unbearable pain started about six or seven months ago with the winter. Actually it started about three years ago with my hands, nothing as terribly awful as now but my hands were locking up at night when I sleep if they get cold or cool (which is not the most wonderful thing for an artist). But now my left hip is like my enemy. I've never experienced anythng like it. And I KNOW it has a great deal to do with the weight I'm hauling around.
It's very depressing sometimes. I believe it started when I began doing treadmill walking every day. One would think the exercise would help, but it's as if the opposite is true. However, I do not care. I won't stop exercising for anything. Some days I give myself a rest, but mostly it's at least a mile/mile and a quarter every morning. I'm grateful I can do it and I know it is making the rest of me stronger. But dear God, this pain is unbelieveable sometimes. Just unreal.
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5/16/06
Almost 6 months to the day of my first post...well, I'm still here, alive and kicking, intent and determined to have my surgery hell or high water. After researching, I am opting for a lap band and hopefully Cigna will agree with my choice. I have no idea how they make their determinations. I've read good and bad. So far I've had no problems with their paying for all the preliminary tests and scans and probes, so I've got my hopes up (and fingers crossed).
As the road to surgery is in actuality a very specific step by step process (at least with Dr. Aranow), this month is where I committed to becoming active in the bariatric surgery support groups. I'm glad I did. Lots of information, but more importantly lots of support. I'm not so different and in fact very much like everyone else in that room, all of us hoping for a new start and a better turn in life.
This was a big step for me. I'm a solitary soul and while I love people, I am not the type of person who enjoys meetings and gatherings. I suppose I'm more one on one. My attending the support meetings empowered me more than I had imagined it would. I've never thought twice about my hermit inclinations. I'm an artist after all and artists tend to go off and think artist-y thoughts and mumble a lot. So my coming out was a big deal for me. And it was painless and soothing!
Today was my first meeting with our dietician Liz. I actually found it to be fun. More information, some of it serious, lots of rethinking carbs and proteins and all that other good stuff, like vitamins and more vitamins (and did I mention vitamins?). The way I see it, my mission is to find other foods and meals I like as much as what I've been stuffing in me these last few years. Foods and snacks that will satisfy and still help me lose the next 16 pounds I must diet off in order to have my lap band installed.
Right now food is the middleman, the venue to what I want: which is a lap band, the tool which will help me regain a healthy active body, a body I can take pride in, a body I can dress up and dress down and party with again. I can dream of once more dancing on tabletops. (and not worry about breaking a chair when I climb up on it.)
Installation of Le Lap Band is my primary focus as of RIGHT NOW. I've done the footwork and now it's time for the brainwork. I am begining to realize all this focus on me and my body is rather nice. It's like going to a beauty parlor. So now I am drawing up a list of delicious carbs and veggies and proteins to purchase, so I can begin to properly prepare La Bod for Le Band and the lifestyle that will accommodate our forever joining. And I can dream of a strong body for the next stage of my life.
I have HOPE!!
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11/15/05 BMI: 50.8
Who I am: I'm a 58 year old woman, born and raised in NYC (Brooklyn), married for ten years to a spectacular man from CA, two grown sons, five superduper grandkids and last but not least two ditzy dogs in residence. I worked as an artist for twenty odd years, somehow found the love of my life and moved to CA, moved back again and we ended up in CT. Go figure.
Weight has been a big issue for me always. I suspect have been dealing with thyroidism all my life, hypo as a child, hyper when I was a young woman, hypo again now that I'm middle aged. The violent death of a loved one while I was entering menopause seems to have triggered a major shift from hyper to hypo and within a year I was 60 lbs heavier.
Eventually I lost the battle to maintain any stability with my weight in spite of various diets, Nutrasystem and steady exercise. The last ten years I've watched my weight increase every year. Thank God no problems with blood pressure or elevated cholesterol, but yes my body is becoming more and more difficult to deal with. And worrisome. It's almost as if my body isn't mine anymore. Bottomline: I don't want to die prematurely.
Right now my biggest focus is figuring out whether or not WLS is for me. My weight warrants it but will I qualify with our carrier (Cigna)? Who knows? I figure if it's in the cards, it's in the cards. But wouldn't it be nice to have an aid to this lifetime of off and on dieting.
It would just be heaven to be like what seems like "everyone else"...getting full and just NOT BEING HUNGRY all the time. I don't binge eat, but I eat too much when I do eat. And even if I eat slowly I find myself hungry later on. Food is SUCH a rut. Stay tuned.
About Me
Manchester, CT
Location
34.6
BMI
Surgery
08/01/2006
Surgery Date
Surgeon
Nov 14, 2005
Member Since
