This was actually harder to sit and type out than I thought it would be. I put it off and put it off thinking, surley I am not alone in this struggle with my weight. Maybe my struggle is unique? Maybe my thoughts about my weight are different than others with weight issues. We all have our own personal self esteem issues I am sure... but I found myself sitting here looking into the computer screen as though weight loss was beyond me... something unattainable... undeserving... and as though I was unworthy. I say this mainly because for the longest time I have felt as though my weight issues are not only my fault but my karma... my life burden to carry. I wasn't always obese... and before my weight gain I wasn't the nicest person to be around. I was very concerned with how I looked... actually thinking that I was fat regardless of how thin I was and had little to no understanding or compassion for people that were obese. As I gained weight I thought it was life's payback for my ignorance and insensitivity towards others. So many people struggle with weight their whole lives... people gain weight for all sorts of different reasons... some are able to lose it, others not... I have found myself looking at other people, heavy like myself and thinking... why can't I just accept that I am fat and get on with life... why can't I be happy with life and not let it make me feel like hiding while in public. I hate meeting new people because I find myself consumed with what they are thinking about me and my weight. I don't volunteer at my sons school because I fear embarrassing him by being the "fat mom". I would sooner skip a meal than eat in public by myself... I if I am out with my family or friends I feel as though everyone is looking at me while I eat... I am an adrenalin junky... I love roller coasters and fast cars and snow skiing. I had to do the walk of shame from an amusement park ride because I was too fat for the safety harness to close over me... I cried after I saw some teens laughing while watching me get out of the drivers seat of my friends sports car... and I didn't dare attempt skiing the Alps, even though it has been a life long dream of mine and I lived in Germany for 7 years... I feared breaking the ski lift... or falling and looking like the Pillsbury Dough Boy rolling down the mountain. I know these things seem superficial... but I feel as though the real me, the me inside is stifled because of my weight. I have grown beyond my teenage years of twisted judgment and have compassion towards others. I have a true understanding of weight issues and the internal struggles obese people face daily. I believe I am finally ready to get on with my life.
I first began looking into this surgery in 2000. I was not ready to commit to it though because I wanted to have more children. I have fertility difficulties and needed medication to conceive. I am sure a lot of my difficulties are weight related and knew if I lost weight I would increase my chances of getting pregnant but I didn't believe I would be able to provide enough nutrients to a growing fetus if I had the surgery. I had our second son in 2004 and again thought about surgery as more and more people I knew went and had theirs done. Still not convinced we were done having children I tried several different methods to lose weight and has my biggest success in 06/07 I managed to lose 60 lbs while taking prescription medication and attending circuit training twice a week. Of course once I stopped the medication half of the weight returned. We began fertility treatments again and after 1 year of treatment we agreed that we were done trying. I went home to California because my father had a stroke and while in the ICU with him unable to speak, I thought long and hard about my life and what I was doing to myself. I am currently the same age he was when he was diagnosed with diabetes. And although I like to think I take better care of myself than he does, I feel like I am a ticking time bomb. I knew I needed to do something to change my life habits or I was going to be right there beside him in 20 years. I decided that I was going to pursue the surgery once we were settled at our new base. We moved to England and 3 weeks later we found out I was pregnant. We had our daughter in Oct 08 and I began the approval process for surgery in Dec 08. Part of me thinks maybe it's too soon after the baby was born... maybe I can lose it on my own... maybe I can... but I haven't yet and I've been saying maybe I can for the last 10 years. I want to be a better role model for my children... I want to be a better wife... a better friend... and a better me. I want to be healthy. I want to be lively. I want to be the me I know is inside.... So anyway... that's my story.
