yahpraiser
Trying to find peace with it all
Jul 09, 2012
Well this really is a wild ride. You think you are prepared mentally for it all but you aren't. I have kinda dealt with it the way I do sometimes. Ignore it and maybe it will go away. It doesn't though. People ask me all the time if I would do it again. I can not say yes or no. I like and dislike things about it equally. I enjoy the weight loss. I enjoy buying clothes in any store I go into. I enjoy the positive comments and moving around better. I like making myself up and getting my hair done ( which I never wasted money on before. what was the point I was never gonna look good) I like seeing a different me. I am only 10 lbs away from being the smallest I have been in my adult life. I have lost 143 lbs in a little over 4 and a half months. Yeah that is great. However, the mental stuff is not.
I loved food. It was my source of pleasure, comfort, and satisfaction. I have always known this relationship. My mother has the same relationship with food. I learned at the very youngest of ages. I now have a relationship with food in a negative way. I cant eat alot of things because they don't agree with my pouch. Food is almost an enemy now. I miss my friend and my comfort. I miss tasting and enjoying the meal. Mixing flavors. just the pure act of having a meal. When you are finished after a couple of bits there is no act of eating involved. You don't have time to savor or combine flavors. Its just over before it really begins. Its really sad to say that missing the act and pleasure of it weighs so heavy on all the positives that I experience.
I need to see a counselor of some sort to try to get past the loss. I actually grieve for my old friend food. I wouldn't have believed it if you would have told me but it is true. I have been waiting for the feeling to go away. I thought with time maybe it would. I was angry all the time at first. Now I am more numb and sad sometimes. I have to find something more positive to replace it but for the life of my I have not been able to come up with it. I know it doesn't need to be anything counter productive of habit forming like drugs, and alcohol. Which I don't even desire. I just don't know. Anyway I haven't blogged because I don't want to admit the turmoil I feel over all this. I think I need to start though. Maybe that is the beginning to healing.
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I loved food. It was my source of pleasure, comfort, and satisfaction. I have always known this relationship. My mother has the same relationship with food. I learned at the very youngest of ages. I now have a relationship with food in a negative way. I cant eat alot of things because they don't agree with my pouch. Food is almost an enemy now. I miss my friend and my comfort. I miss tasting and enjoying the meal. Mixing flavors. just the pure act of having a meal. When you are finished after a couple of bits there is no act of eating involved. You don't have time to savor or combine flavors. Its just over before it really begins. Its really sad to say that missing the act and pleasure of it weighs so heavy on all the positives that I experience.
I need to see a counselor of some sort to try to get past the loss. I actually grieve for my old friend food. I wouldn't have believed it if you would have told me but it is true. I have been waiting for the feeling to go away. I thought with time maybe it would. I was angry all the time at first. Now I am more numb and sad sometimes. I have to find something more positive to replace it but for the life of my I have not been able to come up with it. I know it doesn't need to be anything counter productive of habit forming like drugs, and alcohol. Which I don't even desire. I just don't know. Anyway I haven't blogged because I don't want to admit the turmoil I feel over all this. I think I need to start though. Maybe that is the beginning to healing.
Back to work
Apr 01, 2012
Okay I have been back to work for a week. The first day was not so good. Got shaky a few times and had to go sit in the office. After that things got so much better. It was like going back to work was the exact medicine I needed. By the third day I was feeling great. My left side isnt hurting any more. My fatique is gone. Its amazing who would have known. The other great thing is that I have been losing a pound to a pound and a half a day since I went to work. My liquid intake has greatly improved, I am now getting more than 64 oz. in. Apperantly work is working for me (heeee heee)!
By the way I fit into a size 22 jeans today. Just 6 weeks ago I was in a 30. Unbelievable huh? I am also down 55 lbs now. Not bad for 6 weeks.
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By the way I fit into a size 22 jeans today. Just 6 weeks ago I was in a 30. Unbelievable huh? I am also down 55 lbs now. Not bad for 6 weeks.
one month Dr. visit
Apr 01, 2012
On march 19th I had my one month visit. I was so nervous. I had that weight gain and even if I knew it was water I didnt wnat to see it again. I was afraid to step on the scale. I even asked the nurse if I had to. Well not only had I lost the water weight, I had lost an additional 7.5 lbs. That makes my official weight loss since surgery 43.7 lbs. Unbelievable right? Wow i am at a loss for words on that. I also got the go ahead to go back to work on the 26th. I am looking forward to it. I am so tired of sitting around the house by myself. I am also nervous. Everyone seeing me for the first time. Asking all those questions and everything. I also wonder how I am gonna handle standing on my feet for 8 hrs and everything that goes along with it. I am still really tired all the time. I still have pain on my left side. I guess time will tell.
The first time I noticed my weight loss
Mar 17, 2012
Well it is march 17. One month and 2 days since my surgery. I have not been able to see the difference in my body at all. Oh I put on shirts and they look a little bigger and longer but I talk myself into saying no its just I want to see a difference. Well today I got into my husbands car on the drivers side. I didnt have to push the seat all the way back. In fact I didnt have to move it at all. There was about 4 inches or so between me and the steering wheel. I have never been able to pull the steering wheel down even a little bit because my stomach was all the way up against it even with the seat all the way back. Well, I pulled the steering wheel down today and still had about 1/2 inch or so between me and the wheel. Wow I cant talk myself out of knowing that what I saw today. Definetly not just was wishful thinking. Yeah me!!!!
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Will these head games ever end?!
Mar 16, 2012
I do fine somedays and horrible others. I eat what I am supposed too but God do I want something to satisfy me. I am not physically hungry at all. I just want the comfort I recieved from eating a satisfying meal. I have lost my best friend. The one thing that was always there for me. Of coarse it was killing me slowly but I was lulled in the pleasure of it. of coarse I hated it when I tried to move around. The pain all my joints were in. I hated it when I looked in the mirror at myself. I hated it when I went somewhere and everyone stared. Even with all the hatred of it I loved it more. I just got to were I moved as little as possible, no pain, no hate. I quite looking in the mirror, no image, no hate. I stopped looking at the people looking at me when I was out. I could love my food more that way. Food has always been a big deal on both sides of my family. My mom is an immigrant from Hungry. They had very little food there. It was rationed by the goverment and they were poor farm hands that did not enjoy the fruits of their labor. The women went days without eating towards the end of every month. The males could eat because they worked the fields. When they got to America and food was abundant life changed and food became like the most prominent thing in their lives. 6 kids in the family and only one put drugs and alochol first. Even though food was so celebrated most do not have weight issues.
My fathers side is from the South and well soul food is king. Fried every kind of veggie ( if not its cooked in lard or grease ) fried meats, buttermilk biscuits, and cornbread. Even so most in his family have no weight problems.
None of my siblings have weight issues even though they love food as much as I do. My sister just under me is begining to, but she was in a bad wreck and has become disabled for the most part.
Yes food has been in the center of my life since I can remember. I am fixin to be 47 yrs old this June. It is not something I can get over in a short time and this surgery does nothing to help your mind. It does offer time to get yourself straightened out. I need to find a counselor. I dont like to really talk about deep things. I am very friendly and probably will talk to alot of people about things you would think are personal but they really arent to me. The deep things are kept safe the things that really matter.
I am not even sure what they are. When I think about it I phyically feel weird and tinglely. I can tell you I had a couple of male cousins and an uncle that sexually abused me. No problem. Wasnt my fault. I can talk openly about my childhood. My fathers constent absence, my mothers emotional problems and how at around age 6 I had to start acting like more of a grown up, because my dad was always off with his latest girlfriend and my mom couldnt hardly read and write. Didnt understand alot of the ways things were handled here in the U.S. She was always an emotional mess because of my father. So what am I hiding if all the obvious things I talk about openly and willingly. Scarey thought. I dont like to think about it.
I know I have been given a guilt trip my whole life. My dad used me as an excuse to leave my mother a few times. She couldnt make me behave. She couldnt get me to loose weight. Blah Blah!! Just excuses to run off with another woman. My mom always said he would stay if I begged him too. I was afraid too. He had a temper I saw him hit my mother many times and beat me pretty good a few times. Then when he left my mom blamed it all on me too!!
Sometimes when I think about it I cant believe that I actually am still alive and walking and talking. Between my home life and being picked on in school for my weight I should have ended it all years ago. I didnt though. I found a comforter in food. My weight well that was something I controlled. It seemed the more my mother tried to control it the more I wanted food. I would sneek and eat stuff and she never knew. She stopped making my favorites because I ate to much of it. Well I just found others. Once when my dad was gone. We were poor. No child suppport. We lived on welfare and food stamps. That happened every time my dad left. We would go from middle class to, poor white trash over night. Anyway, I made a friend down the block. We lived in Chicago then where my moms family settled when they came to America. My friend was from the south. And her mom was always cooking something good. I guess I was around 11 at the time. I went to her house everyday at 5:30. They were finishing up dinner and her mother let me in and served me all the left overs I could eat. I was also eating dinner at home. Usually boxed mac and cheese, a canned veggie and a hot dog with barbacue sauce. Even though my mother loved food. She has always hated cooking. I started cooking around 9 or 10 but it was simple meals like what I just described. Anyway I was gaining so much weight but my mom couldnt figure out why. I did the double dinner for almost a whole yr. before Helen and her family moved. A few months later my Dad came back again and of coarse my mom took him back and we moved to Alabama to his side of the family. I hated it. I missed all the kids and things you could do in the city. We moved to a very rural part with hardly a neighbor and nothing but pastures and cow patties. I had my old friend though cause grandmaw was always in the kitchen. If she wasnt in the garden that is. Fresh veggies and fresh meat. There was a hog or calf to kill and prepare. Chickens to ring their necks, pluck and fry. Life was good on the food front.We lived next door in a trailor, and you could walk in grannies house any time no knocking or anything. Even if she was busy she had buscits and sausage or bacon she had cooked that morning sitting on the table. Then she started cooking for dinner at lunch. All my cousins stopped in. some were older and had jobs. some were young like me. You never knew who was stopping and when they would be there. They stopped in the morning on the way to work or school and ate. Grandmaw had plenty made up for all. Lots of relatives stopped everyday for dinner or supper as they call it in the south. Everyday her table was full. She had stuff on the counters and stove to. Made a dessert or two everyday. She fed her family young and old eveyday. Her children worked and were tired, her grandchildren needed a good meal so everybody just stopped at grandmaws. Then every Sunday when everyone else was at church she watched her sermons on T.V. so that she could stay home and cook the big Sunday dinner which is actually lunch. The sons and daughters that lived farther away came and brought their children and along with the usuall cast that came everyday we had a huge Sunday meal. It was awesome as a kid because all us cousins would be together every Sunday rain or shine and after we ate, we played and played. Those were some of the best times of my life.
Wow I have just went on and on. This was supposed to be about my head hunger and mind games I play with myself. Sorry to any who read but I guess this is supposed to be some kind of therapy for me as well.
I make no difference between my 2 grandmother both were awesome cooks. My mothers, mother cooked only Hungarian food which was absolutely divine. I was not prejudice I ate it all. When I met my husband I had to learn how to cook yankee style. I knew Hungarian but he didnt like it. I knew southern but he wasnt much into that. He wanted meat and potatoes, yankee style. Well just add that to my resume of thing I love to eat. The list just grows and grows. How about Mexican and Chinese. Oh yeah those are great. German, alot like Hungarian. Portegese, Jamacin, Greek, it doesnt matter it is all GOOD!!
Thats over now. Its over. I know in a yr or so I will be able to eat alot more. Thats why I have to fix my head. I have to find something else to fulfill me and give me pleasure. To comfort me when I am down. I will fail even this if I do not find another way.
When I lost 140 lbs one time I had a great church and a wonderful relationship with my God. I have lost my church and have not had the heart to look for another. People make up churches and people will always mess things up. I do still love my God and Father but I am not as close to him as I once was. The church thing hurt and I wanted it to be real. The only thing real is God Himself. We fail all the time. He does not. I dont trust the religious system. I dont care what denomontion you are, its set up the same way. One man hears from God, for everyone because they are to busy to hear themsevles and thats what he gets paid for. He, the preacher usually gets pridefull because of the position he is in. He hears from God and guides his folk in the way they should go. When he gets to full of himself the congregration starts finding fault ( the ones who care, and arent just warming seats ) Then everything hits the fan. We all can have a personal relationship with God that is what He wants. Our preachers shouldnt be our Moses. We set them up for failure because of the system. Everyone is temped in something. Our weakness will overtake us with enough pressure or pleasure.Even the best of Christians rely on themselves too much. God is very real, He is Good and Loving and Kind. We bring grief into the world. Its our choice. We live in the hell we make. He didnt do it. We blame Him for everything. He gave us this world to do as we chose. Could He fix us all and everything that is wrong? Absolutely but then wouldnt we cry about freedom and freewill. Didnt Satan do something simuliar. He had Heaven everything perfect and beautiful but he wanted more and wanted his way. Well we have things our way. Even me I have made all my choices. Maybe not when I was very young but definetly for the past 30 yrs of so. Have I tried to blame it on God when things werent the way I planned. Absolutely I did. Truth is I made my own decisions right or wrong.
Anyway enough said I think I could go on forever. I need cousiling as you can see.
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My fathers side is from the South and well soul food is king. Fried every kind of veggie ( if not its cooked in lard or grease ) fried meats, buttermilk biscuits, and cornbread. Even so most in his family have no weight problems.
None of my siblings have weight issues even though they love food as much as I do. My sister just under me is begining to, but she was in a bad wreck and has become disabled for the most part.
Yes food has been in the center of my life since I can remember. I am fixin to be 47 yrs old this June. It is not something I can get over in a short time and this surgery does nothing to help your mind. It does offer time to get yourself straightened out. I need to find a counselor. I dont like to really talk about deep things. I am very friendly and probably will talk to alot of people about things you would think are personal but they really arent to me. The deep things are kept safe the things that really matter.
I am not even sure what they are. When I think about it I phyically feel weird and tinglely. I can tell you I had a couple of male cousins and an uncle that sexually abused me. No problem. Wasnt my fault. I can talk openly about my childhood. My fathers constent absence, my mothers emotional problems and how at around age 6 I had to start acting like more of a grown up, because my dad was always off with his latest girlfriend and my mom couldnt hardly read and write. Didnt understand alot of the ways things were handled here in the U.S. She was always an emotional mess because of my father. So what am I hiding if all the obvious things I talk about openly and willingly. Scarey thought. I dont like to think about it.
I know I have been given a guilt trip my whole life. My dad used me as an excuse to leave my mother a few times. She couldnt make me behave. She couldnt get me to loose weight. Blah Blah!! Just excuses to run off with another woman. My mom always said he would stay if I begged him too. I was afraid too. He had a temper I saw him hit my mother many times and beat me pretty good a few times. Then when he left my mom blamed it all on me too!!
Sometimes when I think about it I cant believe that I actually am still alive and walking and talking. Between my home life and being picked on in school for my weight I should have ended it all years ago. I didnt though. I found a comforter in food. My weight well that was something I controlled. It seemed the more my mother tried to control it the more I wanted food. I would sneek and eat stuff and she never knew. She stopped making my favorites because I ate to much of it. Well I just found others. Once when my dad was gone. We were poor. No child suppport. We lived on welfare and food stamps. That happened every time my dad left. We would go from middle class to, poor white trash over night. Anyway, I made a friend down the block. We lived in Chicago then where my moms family settled when they came to America. My friend was from the south. And her mom was always cooking something good. I guess I was around 11 at the time. I went to her house everyday at 5:30. They were finishing up dinner and her mother let me in and served me all the left overs I could eat. I was also eating dinner at home. Usually boxed mac and cheese, a canned veggie and a hot dog with barbacue sauce. Even though my mother loved food. She has always hated cooking. I started cooking around 9 or 10 but it was simple meals like what I just described. Anyway I was gaining so much weight but my mom couldnt figure out why. I did the double dinner for almost a whole yr. before Helen and her family moved. A few months later my Dad came back again and of coarse my mom took him back and we moved to Alabama to his side of the family. I hated it. I missed all the kids and things you could do in the city. We moved to a very rural part with hardly a neighbor and nothing but pastures and cow patties. I had my old friend though cause grandmaw was always in the kitchen. If she wasnt in the garden that is. Fresh veggies and fresh meat. There was a hog or calf to kill and prepare. Chickens to ring their necks, pluck and fry. Life was good on the food front.We lived next door in a trailor, and you could walk in grannies house any time no knocking or anything. Even if she was busy she had buscits and sausage or bacon she had cooked that morning sitting on the table. Then she started cooking for dinner at lunch. All my cousins stopped in. some were older and had jobs. some were young like me. You never knew who was stopping and when they would be there. They stopped in the morning on the way to work or school and ate. Grandmaw had plenty made up for all. Lots of relatives stopped everyday for dinner or supper as they call it in the south. Everyday her table was full. She had stuff on the counters and stove to. Made a dessert or two everyday. She fed her family young and old eveyday. Her children worked and were tired, her grandchildren needed a good meal so everybody just stopped at grandmaws. Then every Sunday when everyone else was at church she watched her sermons on T.V. so that she could stay home and cook the big Sunday dinner which is actually lunch. The sons and daughters that lived farther away came and brought their children and along with the usuall cast that came everyday we had a huge Sunday meal. It was awesome as a kid because all us cousins would be together every Sunday rain or shine and after we ate, we played and played. Those were some of the best times of my life.
Wow I have just went on and on. This was supposed to be about my head hunger and mind games I play with myself. Sorry to any who read but I guess this is supposed to be some kind of therapy for me as well.
I make no difference between my 2 grandmother both were awesome cooks. My mothers, mother cooked only Hungarian food which was absolutely divine. I was not prejudice I ate it all. When I met my husband I had to learn how to cook yankee style. I knew Hungarian but he didnt like it. I knew southern but he wasnt much into that. He wanted meat and potatoes, yankee style. Well just add that to my resume of thing I love to eat. The list just grows and grows. How about Mexican and Chinese. Oh yeah those are great. German, alot like Hungarian. Portegese, Jamacin, Greek, it doesnt matter it is all GOOD!!
Thats over now. Its over. I know in a yr or so I will be able to eat alot more. Thats why I have to fix my head. I have to find something else to fulfill me and give me pleasure. To comfort me when I am down. I will fail even this if I do not find another way.
When I lost 140 lbs one time I had a great church and a wonderful relationship with my God. I have lost my church and have not had the heart to look for another. People make up churches and people will always mess things up. I do still love my God and Father but I am not as close to him as I once was. The church thing hurt and I wanted it to be real. The only thing real is God Himself. We fail all the time. He does not. I dont trust the religious system. I dont care what denomontion you are, its set up the same way. One man hears from God, for everyone because they are to busy to hear themsevles and thats what he gets paid for. He, the preacher usually gets pridefull because of the position he is in. He hears from God and guides his folk in the way they should go. When he gets to full of himself the congregration starts finding fault ( the ones who care, and arent just warming seats ) Then everything hits the fan. We all can have a personal relationship with God that is what He wants. Our preachers shouldnt be our Moses. We set them up for failure because of the system. Everyone is temped in something. Our weakness will overtake us with enough pressure or pleasure.Even the best of Christians rely on themselves too much. God is very real, He is Good and Loving and Kind. We bring grief into the world. Its our choice. We live in the hell we make. He didnt do it. We blame Him for everything. He gave us this world to do as we chose. Could He fix us all and everything that is wrong? Absolutely but then wouldnt we cry about freedom and freewill. Didnt Satan do something simuliar. He had Heaven everything perfect and beautiful but he wanted more and wanted his way. Well we have things our way. Even me I have made all my choices. Maybe not when I was very young but definetly for the past 30 yrs of so. Have I tried to blame it on God when things werent the way I planned. Absolutely I did. Truth is I made my own decisions right or wrong.
Anyway enough said I think I could go on forever. I need cousiling as you can see.
Feb. 27th first Dr. appt.
Mar 15, 2012
Well I got great news I am down 36 lbs. in 11 days. That is kinda hard to wrap your head around right. It definelty makes the struggles worth it. Everything check out fine. My Dr. though kinda dissappointed me. When the nurse weighed me I was in shock because of the weight lose. She was unaware. They do not keep up with the weight from surgery. She had no idea what I weighed on my surgery day or the day after I went home and had to go to the surgical weight loss center for my last blood thinning shot. This is the center that he and his nurse work out of as well as his other office with a goup of surgeons. She said they didnt keep up with it. I was floored. When the Dr. came in to see me and check my incisions I had tell him of my weight loss. I told him I was eating 2 oz. 3 times a day protein forward like his dietician wanted and he said wow your really going for this thing. Most of our patients dont. How can you be a weight loss surgeon and not keep up with the weight loss and progress of your patients. Its like he is there to preform the surgery and try and maint. your physical well being but the weight loss is all on you. Which I guess technically it is but I just expected him to be involved or at least courios or something. Am I wrong here? I see him again on the 19th of march for my 1 month check up and release back to work. Can't wait to see how much more I lose.
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I thought I was prepared for what was to come
Mar 15, 2012
I cant believe that less than a week out and I am dealing with head hunger. I have no physical hunger at all. I miss the act and enjoyment of eating. I miss taking bites and chewing the taking another and just having that meal. I see food all over the t.v. I smell it in my house when my husband eats. I watch him eat. I want to do that. Its not that I want a particular kind of food . I just want it to taste familar and I want to be able to take the time to enjoy the act of it. I also miss the satisfaction of it. Right now I dont have anything to replace it. When you eat mushy stuff. and only 2 oz. at a time there is no satisfaction in it. Most of the things even if I liked it before surgery just dont taste right anymore. Thank God for SF popcicles. You can chew on them and it takes a few minutes to eat. I usually have 2 at a time so the act of eating will be longer. Am I a sick puppy of what. I sometimes think in my irrational mind what have I done to myself. I know what I.ve done in my right mind though. I have added yrs of healthy living to my life. Food is not worth dying for. The pleasure is short lived and then you have to get another fix.
Feb 16 2012 my new life began
Mar 15, 2012
So My surgery was supposed to be at 11 am but started closer to 1. I only remember slightly being brought back to my room around 3. The surgery was supposed to take 3 to 4 hours but everything went so well I was out in a little over 2. I got up and walked around the romm around 5 that afternoon and sat up in a chair for about 30 min. Then I walked back to the bed and enjoyed a pump of that wonderful morphine. I dosed off and on the rest of the day and night. I didnt use the morphine pump too much because I thought I needed to be tough. I was taken off my Metaformin for diabeties immediately after surgery. They monitored me that night and the next day. I was supposed to go home the next day after noon but my potassium was low so they had to put me on a drip. The nurse did not set it up right and my vein swelled and was on fire. We got someone in to reset it but I had to slow down the drip because my vein was so sensitive. I ended up losing my morphine pump at 12 when they added the potassium drip but I didnt get released till 7 that evening. By the time we went to the pharmacy and got my meds and I got home it was close to 9. I was ready for my pain meds. All in all it wasnt too bad. I took my pain meds the next day and after that I only took it at night before I went to bed. I stopped taking them completely about 5 days out. The worst part of coming home was my animals. I have 3 dogs that come in and out of the house. They are all small. I also have 2 cats that are in all the time. They are all used to jumping up in my lap and laying on my stomach. That was not good. My husband would not keep them out. I got stepped on before I could deflect several times. I ended up with some bad bruises on my stomach because they gave me several blood thinning shots before and after surgery to help prevent blood clots. I do have alot of discomfort on my left side whee my the largest incision is. But it"ll get better.
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