wishfullthinker

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Last night i took my son to a sleep study at childrens hospital. Which didn't work so well for him or me. My lab tech was disscusing my kids with me when she asked me if i had any more at home. Then she very politely asked when i was due. Come on really do i look that fat that im pregnant? I was so embrassed, I lied told her a bit more to go. I know i shouldnt have but my feelings were so crushed. How do come back from that. So they say you need 1 event to get your head in the right place. Not only am i in the right place im going to kick some weight loss surgerys ass! NEVER again will i allow my self to look pregnant without being pregnant.

 It's two weeks before my surgery and I'm starving! Omg am I hungry! Mainly because I reduced all my calories by like 2000. No more soda, no more junk just protein shakes and meal replacement bars and one 400 calorie meals. No wonder I'm hungry! I use to be able to eat 3000 to 5000 calories in a day with out batting an eye. But i'm working on not eating. I'm only drinking water or crystal light. I have found fairly decent protein shakes so I'm trying to put my mind on other things than food. Like reorganizing my house or getting crafting. I need to also lose 10 lbs and i'm not sure I can. I am so good at maintaing but loosing lately is a massive struggle. I don't want to push back my surgery but I also don't want to worry about a fatty liver. So i'm just going to sick with it and hope that i can get it done.  On another note I cam across two things in the past few days one that upset me really badly (like wanna go punch someone upset) and one that helped me show my husband what i will be going through. The first was an article by Dr. John D. Kelly in out patient magazine. I know a lot of people are commenting on this article, But when I read it. I thought 1 this is a joke # 2 there is no way this guy is a doctor and #3 where does he live so i can go slap him. He call overweight patients behemoths, the he said his over weight patients have a stretch marks on their teeth more chins than a chinese phone book and that is bad when their dress size is bigger than the doctors IQ. I have a problem with that. Yes I know there is a lot of prejudice against the very over weight. But there is no reason to write such an article and mock your patients. I understand if it's an article about that the obesity in america is getting out of control but to make fun thats horrific. Granted he did publish an apology letter, but my feelings are it shouldn't have been done in the first place...  The good thing is last night Dr. Oz show (something I actually never watched before) Had an informational show on gastric bypass and it was a really good show. I had my husband watch it so he truly gets what i am going through.. I think it's a lot easier to watch it, then read all of the articles and books i've read... i think its a positive move for him, i think he gets it a little better now :)

 Here is my weight story...

Like many many people out there I am what people call an emotional eater. I have newly discovered that this how I eat. I use to think I was a binge eater and that was it. Now I’m not saying I may not be a binge eater but I know understand that I am an emotional eater which brings me to the headline of this blog... 

Many many moons ago (lol) actually 16 if you are counting. I had a difficult childhood, not as bad as some but a lot worse than others, Particularly in 1995. In 1995 I lost my father, had a medical issue and have to leave school and be home schooled, lost a grandfather and a much more, but those are the bigger things. That’s when I really started gaining weight. The funny thing is I can tell you what exactly pushed me into being an emotional eater and what I’m about to say may sound really silly to some of you but to others make perfect sense. After all the bigger items I’ve listed happened, I was left alone to emotionally deal with them. My family was not the types to sit down and talk about each other’s feelings. So one faithful day while watching (don’t judge me) Baywatch this character summer was having a hard time dealing with something to she sat on the couch at a box of cookies and she felt better. So being 9 and me wanting to feel happy again I went and got a box of triscuits and it was all down hill from there. I just kept eating and packing on the pounds, despite all attempts from my family to help me, nothing worked I was put on the weight watchers diet at 12 that’s got to say something. So now I’m 26 and waiting to have bypass done. I have been putting this off for a long time, mainly because I thought it was the easy way out. But now quickly learning how wrong I was. Then other thing is, they (I’m not sure who they are but they anyways) say you need a life changing event to make you want to loose the weight and keep it off, only problem is with that I must have had 60 or so and nothing has changed me. I’m so tired of being fat but nothing would change me. So that brings me today. I still am an emotional eater and will always be an emotional eater. Now I need to use this tool of the gastric bypass to help control it and get past. Lost of hard work and even though my faith some times falters I know in my heart I can do this.

 Well I've been so busy lately I can't even think, With my kids, cleaning and  getting read for surgery..  So here I am getting ready for everything and running to a fear. My husband and I only have 1 income, I hate to quit my job to take care of my kids who have "special needs". We make ends meet, but don't have a ton of extra money. I'm worried we might hit a rough patch and I wont be able to pay for protein powder or vitamins. (silly I know) But when all of a sudden your kids need a special 1700 brace out of new where these things run through your mind. which pours over into my second point, Exercising. To be 100% honest I'm embraced to go to the gym. I feel like everyone is staring at me (even though they aren't) thinking looking at the fat girl trying to work out...I know it's irrational but it's just a silly fear. I'd much rather work out at my house alone but I don't have any gym equipment. So to get in my exercise I have been climbing my stairs and pacing from 1 end of my house to the other at a fast pace 150 times. (Don't judge but I need to get over these fears) One day, When i have a little more money, I will join a gym and hopefully not be too embraced. all though I need to do it sooner than latter!!!

Being tripped up, is a very easy thing for me. I am under a month away from my surgery. I'm desperately trying to cut out soda, but still occasionally being tripped up. Not at as much as before but it should be happening. I'm so mad at myself, because I want the caffeine so I go for soda, but I don't need caffeine. The other thing I struggle with is connivance eating. I am always on the go. I I put more miles on my car in a month then some people put in a year. So I a grab something just to take the edge off the hunger. Not a good thing. I need to learn to slow things down and make healthy meals and get it together. If i am doing the gastric bypass I really want to commit to it 100% and do it right, you only have a year to loose as much weight as you can, so I need to be good! i need to whip my bum in to shape!

I was feeling so proud of myself yesterday I did good exercise and didn't have one sip of soda! I did really good. But this morning i woke up craving soda! Then on top of it all I don't want to do my exercise and I don't want to do anything because I got denied by my insurance for my sleeve they say they only will do lap band or gastric bypass. So i had to change to the bypass because I had people take vacation off from work and everything and if I start the appeal process then I wont be able to keep my same date, which will screw up everyone else. I'm not sure what to do but I'm not happy... :( 

Well I am new to this, all of this. I am an extremely private person and has always kept everything to myself and I noticed that doing it all on my own hasn't quite worked out for me in the past so now I am trying to reach out in every way I can get help, support, and lend an ear or offer support as much as I can.
My weight gain has been pretty constant since I was 9. I suffered alot of personal tragedy in about a 6 month period, and growing up in a family that doesn't express their feelings and believes bottling them up are healthier I had to come up with a different way to cope with the hurt, so I ate. Eating always made me feel better. I became an emotional eater, when I was happy I'd eat, sad, mad, bored any chance to eat I did and no I didn't go for salad or carrot sticks. I went for things like chips, fries, soda rice crispy treats all the crap that all eventually ends up around your waist (well in my case my butt and thighs). The more I ate and gained the more I'd be made fun of so I'd eat more to feel better. It was a vicious cycle but I never ever once thought "hey this is killing you, you should prolly stop it" Nope I go on a "diet", and loose a little weight and slip right back into old bad habits. My will power is like zilch. So I'd always sabotage myself. I swear I'm addicted to Dr. pepper! I can say that over and over. Hi my name is Jenna and I'm addicted to Dr. Pepper! I just couldn't stop. When I got married 3 years ago I wanted to loose 80 pounds to fit into a better dress I wound up gaining 20! I was so stressed out about it, it made me eat more. 
Now I am a mom of two wonderful kids whose health, lets just say isn't in the best place right now and I had to become a stay at home parent to take care of their issues. I desperately want to loose the weight for them, so badly! I want to be healthy to take care of them better and be around for them longer. The other silly reason is I don't want to be the "fat mom" (and I'm sorry if I offended any of you out there reading this) I just remember when I was a kid there was always a kid whose mom was morbidly obese and because of their parent they were teased. I don't want them to get teased because of me. The other this is  I wanted to be able to do is to actually do things with them. Alot of the activities that they do I have my husband do with them, because I know I can't fit, the seat belt wont go over my stomach or I'm over the weight limit! I would love to be able to take them to Disney world and not worry about the safety belt not closing. ~that's a big wish of mine~

So i decided to get the gastric sleeve. I originally wanted to get the gastric bypass but I have really really low Iron, that no matter what I seem to do it just wont come up, so if i had the bypass the iron would go even lower and could cause complications. With sleeve I don't have to worry about malabsorption and keep up with my vitamins that way. But here is my confessions, I am so incredibly scared and want to chicken out. I am so afraid it wont work and I'd be strong enough to go through all the steps to better my life. I just so addicted to food I'm scared I wont be able to change myself or lifestyle enough or long enough to live a long happy life. I've had skinny fantasy's since i was a kid  and never in a million years dream of them coming true. I thought i was stuck like this forever. I just know I am going to have use every ounce of strength I have to deal with this to win! I just need to release that there is no way I can do this alone.