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 I have been writing in my personal home journal so I will keep this short. 45 days of draining and I have finally stopped draining. It is just a little pimple looking lump that is drying up. I have heard of abscesses coming back and that is my biggest fear but so far so good. 52 pounds! lifting arm weights, doing buns of steel and walking/jogging (with one hand holding my stomach while jogging) along the beach. But I am a swimmer and have yet to swim this summer because I have just sealed up. Hope to get in some pool and beach waves soon. Hope you all are doing well.

Nine weeks post op and this Friday, July 25 will make five weeks of that abdominal abscess draining that I spoke of in my last blog. Needless to say that new pen rose drain was taken out and I put a dressing on the little hole that was left. Each night I change it and each night there is 3/4 of an inch worth of green stuff on the cotton dressing. I will call the doc next week to let him know because I need some resolve. Thanks to Cali, who inspired me to start exercising even though I was going through this abscess. I walk, lift a little, and go throughout my days normally. Still have that numb feeling above the belly button. Just want to find a resolution to this drainage. I am actually budgeting for waterproof Nexcare bandages for my showers to keep the hole dry. I think that if I don't put a dressing on the hole it may naturally dry up. My fear with that is it will close but stuff will still drain. I don't want to wait for more pain and fever. Will inform the doc that I am still draining a bit. 44 lost pounds and I am feeling better about that. Had to by one pair of shorts because the elastic waist band on my old shorts was stretched out and they kept falling off. Leg strength coming back. Glad for that. I am moving forward and will let the doc know that I am a mom who plans on going on vacation with kids soon and I do not want to be slowed down by a ball point pen sized hole at my belly button. Pray because my solution is coming! Hope you all are doing well.

Can't think of any other title. The pain was new and it was unbearable and the reason why I was not feeling normal. 3 days in the hospital for the surgery. 5 days in the same hospital for this abcess. Just got out yesterday.  My biggest fears. They had to aspirate it, and put it on a culture to see if it would grow. Nothing grew so they are figuring that it was a fatty growth. But an abcess none-the-less. It was horrible. It was green. 15 numbing needles given to me 2 millimeters near my belly button hole! A million times under the cat scan machine. A large aspirating needle. 13 cc's aspirated from me and at least 2 left in me that he could not get. Where all RNY incisions have healed I now have a new belly button penrose drain in me. Again. It will stay until the green stuff goes away. I am not feeling well about it. I am scared. I want it all to go away and I don't want it to come back. It's not the pain. It's the poking and prodding of millions of needles in the hospital for the iv in the left hand for the anti-biotics. Then when that iv begins to hurt it's the iv inside the elbow of the right arm. And the antibiotics are caustic. They have to be delivered fast so you almost feel it going into you. It's the heparin shots in the belly. It's the calf compressors. It's the blood tests. Over and over again. I need to get my hair done. I need to go for a walk. I need to clean up my winter clothes and take out my summer clothes. I need to go out and feel sexy again. At any size! I feel haulted. Can't do too much runnin with this new drain. But I am gonna get a move on and do what I can. Gotta pray and get my head straight. Gotta be careful in the shower. Again! Because the the drain must stay dry. I think I am going to go for a walk in the park. I need that now.

4 Weeks out. Thursday, June 18 will make my 1 month anniversary. Driving and walking quicker but still can't push a shopping cart full of food. Food for my kid! Not me! I go to Walmart and put tons of stuff in a shopping cart and realize that none of it is for me! Good quality soups, cereals, breads, meats, snacks; and I am just looking for a jar of gravy to put a teaspoon on my 1/8 cup of mashed potatoes so I can have the smell, taste, and feel, of the stew my sister cooked for my kid the other day because I couldn't eat that. My stiches, muscle, and cramping shifts, comes goes. It's to my back, to my left, to my right. I thought I would be back to "normal" after 3 weeks but I am not. Far from it. My healing is VERY slow. Yes! I have lost close to 30 pounds as it is written. I think I will loose alot in the second month as well. Not 30 but more than 10. I am afraid that my upper arms will be a flop of jelly when this is all over. And, my inner thighs will be floppy as well. I need a thigh master! It's ironic how if we were all on weight watchers and lost just 15 pounds but would be in the gym! As it is, we loose a quick majority of our weight when we are not allowed to go to the gym. Wonder why so much of our skin will sag. Some of that sagging could be avoided if we were allowed to pump some iron! I sit in a chair and pump my arms using 2 pound weights. Don't know how much good it is doing but at the loss of 30 pounds, I need to start doing something. Don't mind cooking for my kid. The smell of steak, veggies, and fries is good to me. As far as the swelling in my stomach is concerned. I hope that the fluid and stuff goes away or I am going to as the Doc to put a needle in me to draw it out!

I am loosing weight and on the outside all of my incisions are healing well. But on the inside I have this burning sensation on my right side. My drains were removed last week. This is a small, focused, burning sensation in between the drainage incision and the stitched incision all under my right breast. Tried more antacid and nothing happened. No need for pain killers. Called the doctor and he said it was normal. Problem is that it is 14 days and I can't walk in my own home without holding up my stomach and breast as if I am 9 months pregnant. This thing hurts. It burns. If it does not go away, I won't be able to go back to work. I will call the doc again this week. Maybe I need an x-ray or something or maybe it will just dissappear when I wake up one day. I have prayed on that. Yes, I have lost 25 pounds and am just beginning this journey. I get in 40 to 50 oz of liquid a day. Getting protein is no problem. But it's just that this pain is holding me back. I don't even want to walk to my car to sit and drive because it pulls and hurts. Right now I am walking with an ice pack which numbs it. I know all of the numbing effects shift and change levels. I did not have this pain before! I hope I can go back to work.

All email and OH site access was down for me the day before my surgery. I am just getting on today. I want to begin by saying my dad was taken back into the hospital this morning, the one week anniversary of my surgery. My sister has been great. Last Monday she was with me in the prep room. Today she is with my dad in emergency. I want to talk more about my first week. It's been a journey. Pain killers are good but I use them sparingly. Liquids are good but make me full. I must sip more. I walk up and down my hallway constantly to keep the blood flowing. The protein juice drinks are good but the shakes are TOO FILLING! And, I hate the powdery feel. I have eaten low fat cheese, and pureed shrimp, talapia, chicken, and tuna to get more protein. I have yet to weigh myself. I will before I see the doctor in three days. Mercy Hospital was good. They take good care of you. Do what they say and you will heal properly. Dr. Holover is quick and good. He made sure I passed my GI tract before my first liquids. I realize now the follow up is probably more important than getting to the operating table. It's our lives we must take care of now. I told the nurse I had a "charlie horse" feeling in the back of my left calf. She had me call the doctor. The doctor made an appointment and in less than 30 minutes I was on a table getting my leg sonogram. No problems! And so I went home. By the way, make sure you have something for gas and stomach acid! I am glad that I did it. I plan on learning what my body can do in terms of weight loss. Will post soon.

So today I am still looking at my closet in awe.  I am saying good bye.  I can't believe that I am saying goodbye. I am looking down the road WAY past 3 or 5 years. I am ready to change my eating habits for good. It is so time! I have also been sitting to eat and allowing my stomach to fill up with my last bite of food. I had two cookies today and was about to pick up a third one. I did not. I allowed the cookies to expand in my stomach which we always knew that bread type products do. They expand. I must keep working on deleting my trigger foods like morning cake and evening cereal.  Let's move on! Shopping? It's for food for the youngster and food for me! New food!

Now I know why we need to see a psychiatrist. I am really bugging. I did laundry today cuz I am preping my clothes for my work week (I do laundry mid-week). And I just realized that I am not going to be wearing some of those clothes again! I am not going to work next week. My surgery is in 5 days I've got clothes in my closet from size 24 to size 16 but the clothes that I was washing today I won't be wearing ever again. I stared at them, I touched them, I looked at them. I am still washing them but even those jeans that are tight cannot be worn because after my surgery. I won't be able to wear tight clothes. Gotta dig for the loose clothes for next week! Whew!

Thursday, I went to presurgical testing. Friday, I recieved my approval letter. And, on Friday my dad who is in a nursing home was sent to the hospital. Possible stomach infection, gastric tract issues. He is 83. He's still there. He may return to the nursing home soon but if all is not steady and smooth, I will postpone the surgery. I dislike even the thought of that. I want him back in the home, where there is good health, friends, fun, laughter, and entertainment. We are a family that visits him twice a week, takes him to dinner, does his laundry and all. The nursing care was good. So being in a hospital is good for them to observe him but suppose he is still in the hospital come the day of my surgery? Do I go ahead with it? I am thinking out loud right now. My surgery is in 8 days. Most likely he will be out of the hospital by then but just the thought of him being in there now hurts my heart.

My heart is hurting now.