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Wow how this year went by.  I still look back and think how it was yesterday that I had my surgery.  This really has made me a different person.  I have lost a whole person!  It is weird to get used to hearing, you know Jen the tiny one.  I still think are they talking about me, me!  When I look down at myself I still think of myself as fat, then I catch a look at myself in a full length mirror and give myself a reality check! I can’t wait till my brain and my looks start to match together and wonder if they ever will. 

I have also found that I used to blame a lot of things in life “this all happened because I am fat”.  I have had to take on a new accountability for life.  My life and I make it good or I am make it bad.  I make good decision or crappy ones.  People treat me how I want to be treated.  I do have to admit that now in life I tolerate much less as my confidence is much higher.  I surround myself with good people and cut the rest out.

Work has been great.  I have so much more confidence.  I can go to  networking meetings with a group of strangers and just start talking.  I no longer think “do I look fat in this” or I need to sit in a certain direction.

I don’t mind taking the bus, the seats fit me perfect, and going for full day outings are much less exhausting.   I can walk for hours and not feel pain in my feet and my back but I must admit, I am still not into the exercise thing, still lazy as far as that is concerned.  

I have found a new man in my life who loves me for me scars and all.  Now, I just need to work on moving forward and making this the life I have always wanted.  I know the only one who can do that is me.

Did I have shitty days - yes.  Was it painful - Yes.  Would I do it again - IN A HEART BEAT!

Well I am just about at the 4 month mark.  Just uploaded some new pics.  It is so funny how your mind does not catch up with reality.  I think I look so much smaller in pictures then I really am!  I have checked with my family and sure enough, they all think that is what I look like.  When I try on cloths, it takes 2 or 3 trips to the change room because I just cant believe I am wearing the size I am.

I started out a size 22 and now I am a 12!  When I hold the item up, I think "no way, that wont fit me".  I am going through clothing at such a pace that I can not keep up.  I am considering going naked at this point because it is so expensive!

The realization of what the rest of my life hit me over the past week.  You do not realize what this really means before surgery.  You think it will be easy but it is soooo hard.  Morning all the food that now causes me to dump.....

I am not saying I would not have the surgery again in a heart beat but it is so difficult to get through a family mean that smells so delicious that you know you just cant eat.  I hate and I mean hate taking vitamins.  I often skip them and I am now reaping the reprocussions as I am bruising very easy due to low iron levels.  My life really does revolve around, eating, drinking, taking vitamins, eating drinking.......

At work yesterday I got really busy and noticed I had not eaten in almost 7 hours.  I was shaking and dizzy, not good not good.  It really is a lifestyle and planning is the key.  Actually had some guys hitting on me this past weekend, I was thinking really ME!.  The other day someone said to me, you are lucky that you are so attractive!  and You are not big, what are you talking about!

It is so weird, when I look in the mirror I still see the old me.  I had to check with my family when I saw my pic's because I do not see myself the same way, I am hoping that soon my brain will catch up with the rest of me. 

Food is getting better, I have more options now but I still am very restricted in what I can eat.  I also find that most foods I no longer like so I am in a rut eating the same thing over and over.  I have to be more adventurous I guess.  I live in dumping fear so often refuse to even try many foods.  Mind you I did drink a beer this past weekend and it went down SMOOTH!

My energy levels are so much better and life just seams to be on an upswing.  I have no pain from the surgery but I must admit, I am still just as lazy.  People as if i excersize, NO, i drive to the corner store,lol.  I guess at some point that will have to change but just not ready to go down that road.

Wow it is really amazing how fast time flies after you have this surgery.  The first month I thought time was going so slow but know it is almost like it never happened.  I am so happy with my weight loss.  I am down to 185!  I have not been this size since I was 23.  I must say I am very lucky with were I work.  Everyone is so supportive and always telling me how good I look.  My head is getting very swelled indeed.

I still have troubles getting in my calories and I never get in enough protein.  I have had some real struggles with nausea and I have learned I can not eat food that is fatty.  I have not yet tried anything sugary as I fear the dumps but I guess that is a good thing.

Things I am proud of

1. I only take up one seat on the bus.
2. I have hit onederland
3. I have a neck
4. my rings need to be re-sized
5. I can buy from the regular section in ANY store

I know to some people this would be silly but to me they are BIG.

Anyways, I look forward to continued weight loss and will en-devour to take all of my vitamins!

I am so excited with the new life I am building and I have so much that is positive around me.  I seam to be able to deal with issues much easier now and I am so much more confident.  I never think, do I look fat anymore.  I know I am not skinny but at least i feel i now fit into the normal category which is sooo nice!

Well I am so excited, back to work for me!  I am hoping that my stama will be okay.  Since I have been on bedrest for the last 3 weeks, my stamina is low.  I walked a block and a half yesterday and boy was I tired.  Napping is another thing I will really miss.

On a good note, I was able to buy a new shirt in the regular section at walmart. Size large.  I am not sure when the last time I saw a size large. 

I will be adding some new pic's shortly.  Just got batteries for the camara. 

Not much else to say, life has been uneventful.  Oh I did get my sutures out 2 days ago.  I have been left with 14 holes! but it is much less painful now and I can walk around much better.  I am getting braver and braver everyday!

Well I am just over a month out and the scale is my new addiction.  I get on it several times a day only to meet with dispointment.  Okay, so I know I have lost at least 2 times more then I would have on a regular diet in the last month and that is with doing zero exercise due to being put on bed rest until the middle of May so I really dont have much to complain about.  It took years to gain all this weight but for some reason I just want to wake up skinny!

I keep looking in the mirror to see if I look skinny yet!  My friends all keep telling me how I look great and thinner but I just dont see it.  I look in the mirror and see the same old, same old.  I so want to say "it's not like I am 200 pounds".  I know it is silly but I have not been able to say that for 14 years now. 

I think I will have to move the scale.  I keep it in the kitchen and everytime I get a glass of water, or a snack it calls my name.  And everytime I think oooo this might be the time I am lighter!  How silly is that.  I just want this all to be over, to be at my goal weight!  I think being on bed rest is leaving me with to much time on my hands and is causing me to obsess a bit about it.  I cant wait to get back to work so I have things to do with my time.  I am not depressed, just impatient. 

Well life started to get better after the second surgery.  Day 6 was a typical day that you go through the day after surgery.  Day 8 was the day of hell tho.  I got the dry heaves for about 20 hours.  Nothing they gave me was able to stop it.  Basically it was due to a build up of gas.  I could feel the gas moving but no matter how I shifted I could not fart!  They told me I had to get up and walk.  I was like how do I walk when I am heaving.  I had my Mother walk behind me incase if fell over due to the heaves.  Finally after a painful lap around the ward I stopped and infront of about 10 people I let on rip.  It was the best dam fart ever!  I tried to use the dry heaves to my advantage and would push out farts by the pressure of the heaves.  This was the first real day that I started to have doubts.  I was thinking "Jen what have you done to yourself".  That day was a nitemare.  Finally around 7:30pm it stopped and I just felt better.  The next day I woke up and was even able to joke for the first time! Everyday after that got a bit better and Finally on the 12th day I was sent home.

March 31,  -  Day 4

Woke up like all the days before in pain.  I speak to my nurse about the cough I had in the night that caused me pain.  Once again I am told everything is fine and that I should get up and walk.  I wait until I get my next shot of morphine and then I get up and slowly do a lap around the ward.  I get back into bed for a brief moment and decide I need to go to the washroom.  I finish my pee and I stand up.  I feel liquid running down my legs.  I am thinkinging oh my am I still peeing?.  I look down at the floor and there is a big pool of what I will call body juice on the floor. I pull up my gown and see that it is spurting out of a whole in my incision.  My slipper is soaked.  I pull the call button and start to panic.  I open the door of the bathroom and start to yell " help"  "I need help in here"  I am yelling as loud as I can.  Everytime i breath I can feel another slpush of body juice.  I am in a total panic when the nurse arrived.  It was probley only 30 seconds but to me it felt like an hour.  The had me hop back into bed.  I had a 1st year student nurse taking care of me that day.  She and the teacher were the first to be taking care of me.  The teacher had the student nurse pinch my wound shut while she went to get the head nurse.  I could see in the students eyes that this was more then she had bargined for.  Finally the head nurse came and said it was just a small tear and that it was no big deal.  The bandaged me up and said it usually closes on its own in 24 hours.  I was like are you sure?  The nurse asks if I would like her to try getting the blood and liquid off my slipper.  I tell her no that I have no intention of ever wearing those slippers again!  So the rest of the day is pretty much like the rest of the days.  Morphine, sleeping, one more walk, and eating soup!.  Later in the afternoon they come to pull out one of my drain tubes.  I am like are you sure you should take that out considering I have body juice squirting out.  They said they emailed my dr. and he said to still take it out!!!  Pain is still terrible.  I am beginning to ask myself what the heck I have gotten myslef into. ...

April 1 - Day 5 - Early in the morning before 8 my Dr. finally arrives to inspect the wound.  He takes one look and states, " oh this is not what had been explained to me"  you will need to go back into surgery today.  I was like I dont want more surgery.  He states I have subcutanious fat protuding from the wound which indicates that i have ripped the internal stitches though the muscle and that I had to have more surgery.  Boy was I once again freaked out. Well, they remove all my water, ice chips everthing and tell me that they dont know when I will go in but it will most likely be after 4pm.  I say I am guessing I dont have to get up and walk (this had been very painful with the split muscles) and the nurse states that she is still expecting me to get up and walk!  Once she leaves another nurse turned around and stated that she was not going to make me walk today.  Thank god for small miracles.  Repsitory is on my case about not coughing and they are worried I will get phnomnia.  I just cant the pain is to great when I cough.  On a positive note I fell no pain when I am laying still.  So My Mom leave to drive Vicki to the bus.  She was supposed to go home with us but my stay was being extended.  While I am waiting alone in my room this girl slips in.    She askes me if I am the bairatric patient.  I say yes.  She then goes on a rant because she had a bypass the year earlier.  She was over 300 pounds and now she was only 115.  She said it was the biggest mistake of her life.  She then went on to tell me that my surgon has lost lots of patience.  I am totally freaking out at this point!  I am waiting to go into my second surgery and this chick comes in and offloads all her problems on me.  I would have entertained them but not when I am about to go into surgery.  Anyways I tell the nurse what happens and she said she woud make sure the girl stays away from me.  To late the damage was already done.  So I get taken down to the operating room.    I get their early, so I tell them about the crazy chick.  They tell me that my dr. is great and give me a stuffed animal.  They were felling pretty sorry for me,lol.  So as you know I survived the surgery.  I was back up in my room and the pain medication just is not cutting it.  They are telling me to cough and I just cant.  The nurse finally states, I am tired of this and goes and get me a shot of demoral.  So I have morphine and demeral.  OMG  For the first time I had real relief.  I let out a few good coughs, clear my lungs and just keep saying thank you thank you thank you.   It was the best 3 hours I had had!  Finally I was off in a slumber that lasted till the next morning.

well it is late so I will try to get more in tomorrow.

Okay so I am going to break down my surgery experience for you all.  Please not that this is not the typical experience so you may not want to read this is it does include complications.

Monday March 28 - Day 1

I have a slight cough and runny nose.  I head over to the hospital all excited for my surgery.  I go through admitting.  They get me into a bed and do the regular checks.  The nurse decides my veins look difficult and leaves the IV for the OR staff to put in.  She asks me to drink something that will taste bad so I am told to just drink it fast.  MY GOD it is the worst thing I have ever tasted! But I lived.  Off to surgery I go.... While in the OR the DR. tries muliple times to get m IV in and can not he elects to go in though the crook of the arm where you usually give blood.  Once it is in I have not relecetion until later.  I am saying pain, pain, they have given me demoral for the pain.  Apparently for some people demoral does not work.  They try again with a higher dose.  Still nothing, I am still repeating Pain, Pain my blood pressure is very high.   They switch over to morphine and I finally have relief.  I dont remember much more of that evening. 

Tuesday March 29 - Day 2

Well I woke up to find that i have some kind of a tube the is running from my nose to my throat.  It is causing major disomfort.  I am not aloud any water.  I have flem in my lungs and they keep telling me to cough.  I can not due to the pain and my throat is so dang try.  Finally they agree to give me ice chips to chew if i promise not to swollow any.  To be honest i would agree to just about anything for an ice chip at this point.  The repsitory people keep telling me to cough more or I will get phnomonia.  I am like i am trying but really the pain in unbarable when i cough.  They tell me to hold a pillow against my stomic wow what a difference, and if you remember I have an IVat the crick of my right elbow so that had is useless.  Basically everytime I need to cough it turns into a 10 to 15 minute long battle and finally after very very loudly passing air through my lungs i cough up a wad of hork, YUM!  Because of the drugs i spent the day either sleeping or coughing.  I was so looking forward to the day 3 barom test.  If all was good out would come the nose tube.  I am sharing the room with a older lady, she is pretty quite but wakes up alot in the night.  Mind you I am sure she is think the same thing about me.  The whole ward can here me when I have to cough.

Wednesday March 30 - Day 3 -  I was sent for my barom test at around 8am not soon enough if you asked me.  This was truly horid stuff.  I tried to take a big pull of the straw  I was standing their druling and foaming at the mouth, preying that I would not have to take in any more.  They dont tell you the results on the spot they send you up to the floor for that.  Longest 15 minutes of my life!  Well the stomic is secure and all is well.  They are just waiting for the orders to take out the gtube from my nose.  It was not long but sure felt like it was forever.  I must admit, it was not a pleasant experience having it come out but it was better then having it in.  My nose bleed lightly but all was good.  The first thing i said was "can i please swallow and ice chip".  I have never been so excited to a little chip of water.  I was told I would have take it slow and not to over due it.  All was well with the world.  I was taking my morphine shots every 3 hours on the dot.  They were mixed with graval as they made me a bit nauses.  They are making me get up to walk what torture that is.  Like why why would you make someone going through the type of pain i was get up and walk..... I find out later.....  The day turns out to be pretty much like all of the others.  I spend my day either sleeping, clock watching for my next shot or trying to cough.  It was late, probley after midnight and I was again stuggling to get some flem out of my upper chest.  The nurse is just telling me to cough already and to get it overwith.  So I say heck, tense up and deside to just let the cough rip and rip it did.  I could feel this plucking feeling and a shift inside.  It was so painful I let out an actual scream.  The nurse examined my wound and said everything was fine.  I was sure not was all fine.  As my pain level moved to a 20 on the 1 to 10 list.

Well I am tied so I will try to work on this more later.

Well I am getting ready to leave in about half an hour.  I am very worried as I have come down with a bit of a cold.  What if they wont do the surgery! It is a 12 hours drive, far to long just to turn around and come back.  My dreams will be crushed to boot.  I am so nervous.  What if they dont put me fully to sleep? What if I have complications?  Will my kids behave while I am gone?  I am only doing this because I am selfish, if things dont go well, my kids will suffer.  So much is going through my mind but yet it does not detour me.  I know at the end of the day this is the only answer for me.  I have tried for years, spent thousands of dollars trying to loose the weight.  Joining this program and that, this is what I must do to change my life.   I am so glad that someone else is driveing.  I only had 4 hours of sleep last night.  Did I pack everything.  I went out and bought new soap/shampoo/tooth brush/toothpaste/hairbrush/washcloth/slippers.  I am bringing my vitamins and ensure diabetic.  Hope it is tastey! 

I wonder what it will be like to be thin.  I have dreamed for many years of being able to say "its not like I am 200 pounds"  I know it sounds silly but I have not been under 200 in 15 years.  How long will it take.  Will I ever be able to eat a bite of Steak! So many questions going through my head.  One good thing about the cold, I have not smoked, I dont want to risk hurting my lungs any, I can imagine that couffing after surgery will be painful as well.  I am just not a lucky person I guess.  I hope that not all has been ruined!

Good luck to all - See you on the loosers bench! (hopefully)

Okay, so I am 12  days away from my surgery.  I am so excited, I can not sleep at night.  The anxiety is keeping me up until 3 am.  It is making work oh so difficult.  Good thing I have the day off tomorrow.  Since this is a fairly last minute thing I am having a hard time getting everything done in time.  I am trying to work as much overtime as possible to bank my hours so I can have more time off for the surgery.  I dont know what I will do if I have complications, hoping for the best.  Everytime I eat I think, oh this is my last hot dog, or this is my last porkchop!  Weird how I am already morning the loss of all the food I will not be eating after it is done.  I never really knew how much I depended on food.  I am going to have to find another outlet.  I am hoping that I will have enough weightloss to may play some kind of sports this summer.  I used to love sports and that is one thing I would really like to get back to!