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I decided to move all my journal entries from Penzu in this website.  This is now Marie's official blog.  I feel everywhere I turn, all the different professionals I speak to, they all tell me that I should start journaling.  For some reason, I'm having such a tough time with it.  I don't know what to write and I always feel that my English is below the standards out there.  I have zero confidence in my writing skills.  So I'm always scared to write things down thinking that the people reading my entries will think that I'm illiterate (however you spell that word).  I guess I should stop being so hard on myself, English is after all my second language.  Anyways, since I'm hearing everywhere, that I should blog.  I thought that since I'm about to embark in a new weight loss journey, it might be good for me to journal more often.  Who knows, it might be the key to my success. 

As I was transferring the various entries from Penzu on this website, I noticed that I haven't changed at all since 2011.  All the fears, worries, concerns I had back then, are still there.  I haven't addressed any of those issues in the past two years.  The only thing that changed is the opposite of what I wanted.  So back in October 2011, I weighed 288lbs and now, two years later I'm at 347 lbs.  How funny, back then I was getting so stressed out because I kept on losing the same 5 lbs and now to get to the weight that stressed me out so much back then, I would need to lose about 60 lbs.  What happened to me, how did I get there?  How the hell did I let myself go so bad?  I guess I've officially hit rock bottom!  I don't think things can really get worse than they are right now.  I could spend the next hour going through why I'm such an idiot and let myself go so far down but you know, today I chose to focus more on what am I going to do about it!

What am I going to do about it?  Well, I'm going to get RNY Gastric Bypass Surgery.  I'm going to take a very extreme measure to help me deal once and for all to this weight loss issue.  I'm in the process of embarking in a life changing journey.  A journey that will be difficult, one that will have a bunch of bumps in the road, one that will force me to look at all my demons in their face and tell them to get the hell out of my life.  There will be tears, there will be pain, there will be sacrifices, I'm about to embark in a year of hell.  It will be hell, but it will be well worth it.  As GhrenlinBGone said, at the end of this journey, I will be free!

I will be successful, I have no choice but to be successful, I cannot continue living the way I've been all these years.  I need to make this change, to finally be able to look at myself in the mirror and actually love the person that I see.  I know I can do it, I will do it and I will damn be proud of myself.

I know this blog is all over the place, but so is my mind.  I will try to write in the next few days, who knows, I'll get better at it with practice!

My friend Nathalie just asked me to go for a walk with her.  I so welcomed her invitation.  It was nice to be out and about in the nice weather. 

While we were walking, I was telling Nathalie how she is such a role model to me.  She is the person who is able to do anything when it comes to exercising.  I wish I had half her drive.  I envy how she is able to run.  She is able to run 5K and 10K and is now training for half a marathon. I am so proud of her and at the same time, I envy her.

While we were walking, we talked about goals, about setting goals.  And Nathalie said something about setting goals and not letting her weight be in the way.  That rang a bell with me.  I wish I was able to bring my thinking to be in line with hers.  She is such an amazing person. 

At the same time though, I've realized that I'm at a point where I'm actually scared of setting goals.  I've failed so many times, too many times that I'd rather live with no goals that way I will never feel like I've failed.  It makes no sense that I feel that way but at the same time, it does make sense cause of the way I feel and what I've lived through. 

Sometimes, I think that something might be wrong with me.  I feel as though I can never reach any goals.  I forget about them or my immediate needs become more important than my long term goal.  But how do I change things so that I can remember what I want.  While talking to her as well, I just realize that I don't have a list of goals or accomplishments that have nothing to do with weight.  It's like I'm putting my life on hold until I feel like I've accomplished something with my weight.  So I no longer feel like a failure in that department.  But while I'm focusing all my energy on weight loss where I haven't been successful, am I actually missing out on life?  How many things am I not accomplishing, am I missing out because of that darn goal?

Another thing I realized during that walk is that I don't really have any goals.  What do I want to accomplish before I die?  That is such a tough question cause I feel I've accomplished many of my goals:

1.  University Degree

2.  Great paying job

3.  Married an amazing man

4.  Buy a house

5.  Have great kids

What's next for me?  What are my goals for the next 5 years.  What is it I want to accomplish by April 2017?

A.  Weight 199 lbs

B.  Visit Africa

C.  Get out of debt (credit cards and line of credit)

D.  Yearly Family 2K

E.  Yearly 5K for me.

F.  Yearly family trip

G.  Get a Level 4 manager job

Weekly goals:

a.  Walk at lunch time 3 times per week

b.  Journal twice a week

c.  Attend yoga once a week

Well, I survived day 1. I had a pretty good day except, I spent a lot of time in the bathroom. I never had an issue being regular and I hope that my body will adjust to the shakes. I had a great time at boxing last night. We sparred for 30 minutes and it was amazing. I was full of energy.

Had a really nice shake at lunch. I tried it with cocoa powder and peanut butter. WOW I could eat my shake like that every day. I'm looking forward to trying different recipes. My challenge today will be to find time to exercise for 30 minutes. If I'm able to do that, I will be on top of the world.

I'm so excited and happy that I took on this challenge!

So, I started today and not sure how I feel. This is the time of the day where I normally binge and stuff so, first, let's see if I can survive this part.

Had my two shakes today and they tasted alright. It's no dessert but it's alright. I'm making them with Almond milk since I have trouble digesting milk and my stomach is still very upset right now. I'm also increasing my water intake. I hope my stomach is going to be OK for my boxing class tonight.

Well, I received my Body by Vii products today, which means that tomorrow will be the day where I will begin a new journey. I'm not sure exactly how I feel about it all. I've been big all my life and have no clue how it feels to feel great in your skin. So, how do I feel? Well, excited but scared at the same time.
- I'm afraid of failure. I've tried so many different weight loss programs that I failed.
- So I'm afraid that just like every other program that I tried, I will give up before my 90 days are over.
- I'm afraid of finding it to hard to resist the temptation of certain foods.
- Afraid that i don't get the results that deep down I hope to have.
- Afraid that this program is too hard.
- Afraid that I will be unable to maintain what I will lose.
Man, it sounds like I'm afraid of everything but I know that if I don't try, I will never know what could happen. So, I will take a deep breath and try.

I've decided that I will use this blog to post all my thoughts throughout this journey. I will be using this blog as a personal diary and I hope to go that it will help me see the truth of certain situation and help me get to know me better. I don't know if that makes any sense. Anyhow, here I go. I will take the time to take my "before" picture tonight as well as all my measurements. I really hope that so many good things are going to come out of this process. Tomorrow morning will be my big weigh-in. I'm so scared of seeing the number on the scale. Hopefully, whatever number will appear, I have to believe that this will be the last time that I will see that number. I have to do all that I can to make sure that my past doesn't end up dictating what my future will be.

Oh, well...wish me luck!

Saw my talking doctor today and she recommended that I used the journal as a tool to help me stop going to food when I feel emotional.  I don't know how I feel about that cause I really don't know half the time what I'm feeling that makes me want to overeat.  Today, I had a couple of binges, well really one.  I think that a lot of it had to do with the fact that I was not well prepared today.  i went too long without food and without a snack.  Got hungry and got anything I could put my hands on to eat.  Is that all I wonder?  Part of me just wanted to fuck up cause I did so well yesterday.  So in other words, I just had to sabotage myself.   I don't know why and don't honestly know why my feelings are when it comes to that.  In a way it's like I just don't want to be successful at weight loss, but why?  That is the million dollar question.  Why do I do not want to be successful here?  Is it because I love bad food too much?  Is it because I just find it too hard and feel like the mountain in front of me is insurmountable?  I really don't know.   I feel so much pressure on me to lose weight.  You know when you want something so much that you can't get it.  I feel like that.  Honestly today, I just wanted to eat something good to make me feel better.  What am I feeling?  I have a hard time pin pointing it?  Here are my stresses theses days:

1.  I'm worried about going back to work

2.  I'm worried about leaving Markus

3.  I'm worried about not having Markus with me at night.  I so want to keep him in my room.

4.  I'm worried about the fact that my house is a mess, my bathroom is a mess.  I've never been like that where I live in such a messy place.  My clothes on the floor, wow that's a first.  I dunnot.  I want so many things but don't want to work at them.

5.  I'm worried about my new boss at work.

6.  I'm not motivated to do my job.

7.  I don't like the way I feel in my skin.  I hate my belly.  It's getting so much bigger.  I feel as though I'm still pregnant.  A solution to that would be to go workout but I have a hard time getting the motivation to.  I don't know. I just want to cry.  I feel this void in me but don't know what it is.

Maybe it comes from the fact that I'm not getting the love and affection that I want, so, i've kinda have used Markus to make me feel loved and now the thought of moving him in his room, far from me, well, it makes me feel abandoned.  Makes me feel not loved again.  And when I don't feel loved, i don't feel good, I look at food to make me feel better.  Is this true, me doing all this distancing from Markus is what is setting me off?  I love my son to death, he is my everything.  Why am I so scared of him being away from me, in his room?  I felt so good when he slept with me in the bed.  He would give me the love I need.  He would cuddle with me and make me feel loved, wanted.  Now having him in his crib is hard on me.  He is not close to me, I cannot feel his heat, I cannot monitor his breathing.  I'm afraid to lose him.  I'm afraid that if he is not with me, close to me, I might lose him.  It brings me back to being at the hospital and feeling so miserable, cause he was not with me.  I'm so scared of losing him. 

What am I going to do about this?  I really don't know.  I guess I'm still scarred about what happened to him.  I'm still afraid of losing him.  I know I would not survive if something happened to him.  I would not be able to go on without him.  How do I get over what happened to him?  How do I find a way to let him go.  Give him the space he needs to become independent and become his own man?  I dunno.  It physically hurts to be away from him.  I'm so screwed!  How will I be able to be away from him.  How will I do this?

Ok, so, today is Nov 1st and I thought it would be a great day to get back on the program, being the first of the month or so.  Started my day pretty well.  Felt in control and felt as though I could actually do it.  So of course, my aim was to get a perfect day.  It seems that the minute I aimed for a perfect day, I was doomed cause what I usually do is fuck up so of course after having a good breakfast and a good lunch, I decided to fuck up at snack time.  I was uncontrollable and not proud of myself.

What I'm proud of is that I didn't let this damage me.  I still picked myself back up and started over again.  had a pretty decent dinner and good evening snack.  So, I should be very proud of myself for not fucking up the whole day.  I just entered my food log and I didn't do as much damage as I thought I did.  I still came within my calorie count.  So...there's hope for me after all.

The other good thing that happened today is that I went shopping for a top for pictures but in the end, ended up with a nice winter jacket that actually fits me.  What was so amazing with all this is that I actually am able to zip up a size 3x.  I was so amazed and happy and ecstatic!  So all this is giving the confidence I needed to keep on going.  I have to believe that i actually can do all this.  I can lose weight.  I will lose weight.  I have to lose weight.  but to be able to do all this.  i have to believe in myself.  So i tell myself the following message:

Marie, you actually can lose weight.  You will lose weight.  Quit looking for perfection every single time.  You don't need to be perfect, you just have to try and remember, if you fuck up or to be more realistic, when you fuck up.  Don't worry, you will do better at the next meal.  So, don't give up girl, you can do this.  I love you!

I don't know what's wrong with me, I'm feeling so overwhelmed this week.  Don't know if its because of the bad news about that job that I desperately wanted. 

I'm feeling completely pissed off.  Pissed off that I feel as though all the responsibilities are falling on my shoulders with Brianna's school.  I'm so mad that Leonard doesn't listen to me when I speak.  It seems I say what I say but he chooses to hear what he wants to hear and he never asks any questions.  I don't know what to do with him.  I don't know how to communicate with him.  I feel as though I'm wasting my time with him.  I'm afraid he's about to embarrass me at work.  A lot of high place people are risking to get him there, to get him on board and if he listens at work the way he listens to me at home, it's going to be problematic and my reputation is going to be at stake.  I don't know how to communicate with him.  I don't know what to do with him.  My initial instinct is to add more responsibilities on me.  I could very well, be the one to put out Brianna's clothes every night but then he will completely depend on me and if I don't put out clothes one day, he will blame me for whatever.  I hate that he doesn't take any ownership for his actions.  Well, he said, that's what you told me.  Why the hell would I tell him to put Brianna in normal clothes on a Thursday, how does that make any sense.  How do I tell him that dress down day in on a Friday, the last Friday of EVERY month?  I don't know about him.

About that job, I'm feeling hurt.  I'm angry that my track record didn't give me that job.  I hate that Marcel chose Ryan instead of me.  I thought I had proved myself to him and Ian, how can he do that to me?  This job was the next logical step for me career wise.  I really did not want to go back to my group.  Do not want to go get orders from another boss when I've been the boss so many times.  I know I can do that job, that job should be mine.  It's very humbling to go back down.  And that team, I'm really not looking forward to dealing with Seamus and Dave and all the slackers.  Oh boy, what am I going to do?

I'm also very disappointed with myself and my weight loss effort.  I feel like such a failure.  Like I let everyone down, including myself.  Why can't I do well at the weight loss.  Why do I always want to give up. It's the fucking hardest thing I've ever done in my life.  I just want to drown my sorrows in food.  I'm so mad at myself. I'm tired of all my fucking excuses to do what i want and reward myself instantly.  What is wrong with me, why can't I start something and finish it.  Why do I always have to quit.  What's wrong with me!  Why am I stopping myself from being successful and for wanting to increase my chances of living a long life.  Don't I love my kids enough to want to do this for them.  There is no easy road, its going to be hard, why is my instinct is to run when the going gets tough.  Why am I always trying to start the next day and after days of doing that, a month goes by and there is no progress.  I know all this is mental and I don't know where to go to get the mental help that I need. 

Right now, I'm feeling tired, cold and depressed.  I wish I could sleep my life away.  I don't know what to do.  Things are just too hard for me right now.  I feel embarrassed about Brianna not wearing her uniform.  I feel like I let her down.  I'm desperately trying to project an image of a family that is all together.  When they see Brianna at school without her uniform, all they see is that Mom didn't do her job.  Makes me look like a failure as a mother.  But what could I have done to avoid this situation?  Nothing except take on more on my shoulders.  Either every night before going to bed put her clothes out or wake up in the morning to see what she's wearing.  But is it fair for me to take on some more?  Is it fair to add yet one more thing on my plate.  I already feel so overwhelmed with everything else I have to do on my list.  I'm sick and tired of doing fucking finances, initiating laundry and having to put the kids away, doing dad's finances, doing the cooking, worrying about my weight, worrying about the damn towels in the kitchen, figuring what to do for dinner.  Remembering and working with Brianna on her show and tell.  Getting food for us, getting food for Markus.  All is on me.  I have too much on my plate, my brain cannot handle everything. I'm so overwhelmed.

Another question, why did he put on her the exact same clothes she wore the last dress down day?  Isn't he thinking, can't he remember shit?  What is wrong with that guy called my husband?

Well, I had a good day today.  Here's a summary of the successes and challenges:

Success:

1.  Had a very decent breakfast, greek yogurt, granola and fruit.  Very satisfying!

2.  Had a good lunch, included my salmon

3.  Had my 5 meals a day.

4.  Exercised, went to final round for boxing

5.  Drank a good portion of water

6.  Had a healthy dessert, chocolate avocado pudding

7.  Did not weigh myself

8.  Tidied up the bedroom a bit

Challenges:

1.  Caved in and had candy late in the day.

I'm so proud of myself for having a good day like this one.  I will do my best to have more of these.  If I'm able to do so, i will be able to reach my goals in no time. 

I'm proud of myself for finally going to final rounds.  I was so intimidated by that place and I really didn't want to waste my groupon.  I'm happy I went and I really enjoyed my workout.  I'm looking forward to working out there on Mondays.  I'm also happy to have Veronica there to motivate me.  i'm thankful that she is my partner.  I just wished Laury would come with me.  I guess something for me to work on.

I also hope Markus will be better. It really pains me to see him sick.  I love that kid so much.  Brianna is such a wonderful little girl.  I love her spirit.  She's going to be a looker too.  Tomorrow, I'm taking some me time and get my hair done.  It will feel great to be out and alone.  Will have a chance to rest a bit.  I hope Markus will be in good spirit for his photo shoot later on the afternoon.  It would be great if I could take the time to workout in the morning as well.  Not sure if I will have enough time though.

Getting late, better go to sleep now.

I wrote a bunch of stuff and lost it.  I guess I have to learn to save my stuff more often.  So, I had an interesting day this morning.  I weighed in at 288 this morning.  I had all the intentions of having a wonderful day but things go challenging.

First off, I was at Maya's birthday party this morning and got a bit off track.  Then I got home and ate a bunch of cookies to keep me further offtrack.  There are things I did today that were good, but others that I need to work on. 

First off, I'm proud of the following:

1.  Had oatmeal for breakfast today.

2.  Had a banana

3.  Had maple syrup instead of splenda.

4.  Stopped at one slice of pizza at the b-day party.

5.  Went to the store and bought greek yogurt and all ingredients to make granola

6.  Made granola

7.  I'm writing in my journal

8.  I entered my food in the food log

Things that I feel need improvement are the following:

- weighed myself

- had multiple slices of birthday cake

- had too many cookies

- couldn't stop eating the pasta, had two servings

- did not exercise

- did not drink all my water

All things considering, I can honestly say it was a good day and I did pretty well, as I have more successes today than challenges.  good job Marie!!!

Housework...when can I catch up

One thing that really stresses me is that I feel like I live in a mess.  The house is so messy.  I feel like I have so much to do, but have no energy or no time to do any of it.  I'm so behind, it's scary and I'm so sick and tired of how the house looks.  My bathroom is a mess, my bedroom is a mess, the laundry room and computer loft is a mess.  Markus' room is a mess and the main level is as well.  I wish I could get 9 hours to catch up on everything but most importantly feel like I need to catch up on sleep.  I don't know how I will ever make it when I go to work.  After a long day at work, I will have less energy to do all that I have to do.  I don't know what to do to get out of this rut.  But that rut is not only physical it is mental as well.  The thought of doing everything I have to do is already weighing me down.  How can I physically do it when in my mind it is completely overwhelming???

My other concerns...

My poor baby boy is sick today.  He is so adorable and it kills me to see him struggling to breathe.  I wish I could help him.  I know chances are I'm going to catch his cold within the next four days but if this what I have to do for him to be better, I really don't mind doing it.  He is my everything.  The fact that he is sick is making things a little more challenging when it comes to his new sleeping routine.  I just don't have the heart to let him cry to sleep when I know he is not feeling well and needs comfort.  I just about died today when I came home from the party with Brianna and first thing when I opened the door.  I heard him cry.  Poor baby had been crying for about an hour.  Part of me was upset with LDM for putting him through this but at the same time, I know what he was doing, he was desperately trying to be supportive for the whole sleeping thing.  I can tell he felt bad that day last week, when I gave him shit for picking up Markus.  He was just trying to be supportive but the other part of me thinks that he was a bit heartless to let the poor sick child cry for that long.  OMG, how to find a balance???  Let's just hope that once he feels better, that we will notice that not too much damage was done cause we got him off track with the sleep routine.

Guilt

I feel guilty today for not having gone to church.  I so wanna to be a better christian and make more time in my life for God.  I wish it would come to me automatically to go to church every weekend.  I noticed that I get so distracted with things that I forget.  I guess the only thing I can do is pray on it and hope that God will help me, remind me to make time for him in my life and also to set a good example for Brianna.  She is getting to an age where she needs to start to understand the importance of having God in our life. 

Prayer

Hey since I don't make time for God in my life, I thought I could use this diary as a tool to write down my prayers and what I want God to help me with.  Ok, let's try...here it goes:

God, please help me be a better parent and help me teach my kids the important things in life.  Help me teach them about you.

God, please help me be a better person.  Help me be a better wife for my husband.  Help me be more patient with him and more loving.  Help me making him feel loved and valued.

God help me be a healthy person, so I can be there for my kids in their future and see all their milestones.  Help me remember when I'm about to make a bad choice, help me remember what I'm trying to achieve and for whom.  Give me the strength to resist sweets, give me the strength to make good choices.  Help me stop punishing my body for whatever about myself I don't like.  Help me feel peace insidel

God I love you and please guide and protect my family and friends.