thegirlwithzip

Send Message

Block

Add Friend

The night before Friday... relaxing just finished up some work that I needed to get done for the office. The rest of the house has been dead asleep since 9, and I have just been plugging along, thought that I would take some time to post a quick blog.

Last time I blogged I was feeling pretty sorry for myself through most of the entry but things are good, I was able to take the last day and sort out my feelings and with all the self conversations that I have been having with myself realized, what the hell is it that I am stressing about. Nothing is ever going to change when it come to this situation in my life, and the sooner I realize this, the sooner I will be able to enjoy the time in my life where I have great things happening for me, and alllow myself to just enjoy life, and not stress out about such pity shit.  Some people just never change, and there is nothing that I can do about that.  Its just the way that its going to be, and the sooner I accept it the better off I am going to be and so... I move on, my last email to what once was my mother.... simply stated that most bad relationships... I am done.  I will rectify all finical issues with her, and then I don't want to talk to her. I asked her to not bother me again.  That was my final answer.   As sad as it sounds, it was quite liberating, as with most things that have been going on in my life lately.  You know life is so not what I thought it was, maybe this is a sign of maturity or just getting old, but life is changing before I know it, and its an amazing process.  The events that go through ones life really defines who you become in this life, it really allows you to open your eyes and just see, and if I was doing this 10 years ago, the vision I see now, is not the one I was seeing when I was 21.  I am in a totally diffrent place, and it feels like the last 10 years have just flown by, marked with some pretty kick as memories, some of you on facebook wih whom I shared some of those memories with... its nice to at times to reflect on your past, its not always bad, and followed with disappointments and heart aches or breaks, I can say I look back on the years of parties, boys, being silly.... I enjoyed every minute of it.  Its what been able to take all the crap that did go on bearable.. those years were the years that made it all worth it.  So this weekend I am going out with some old friends and some new friends to celebrate my 31 years of life.  Granted my official b day was the 8th, but decided to celebrate it a little on the late side this year, and I am glad that I decided to.  Hopefully you all come out that say that your going to and just have a good time.  Take the time to look back on the old memories that we might of shared and had good times together and do it all again for one night.  And for those that are new to my life.. welcome!  and enjoy the crazy ride!  Drinking, dancing and appreciating everything that is going on, positive... happiness....good times...make memories, capture them... and talk about it for years to come.

The next 2 weeks are going to be pretty busy for me, plus i have a goal that as of the 1st of the month, I get back into my gym training, I know that things at work are going to start picking up, especially where I want to start getting really organized in my department, I need to find something new to bring to the table.  I have a ton of projects to get going on for 2011 and present to my boss. Its really important for me to do well here, I feel like I have this amazing potiential to do so much, i just have to put the focus into it.  Also the gym is goal # 1 I had a mission and I am going to go for it.  I have been occupied this month, but i can not forget who I am in the mean time. So March will be the month.. i will get things situated for the move.. yes the move.. more to come up on that later... cant tell you all my secrets, but its going to be an amazing move... it will be good for me, both personally and work.  So looking forward to that, i was nervous cause when I moved to fallriver it was a time for me to sort shit out, and when i did and accomplish all this... as much as i hated fallriver cause of the commute andd not having really anyone there, i might actually miss it. It was a year and a half where i was able to really figure things out.  I was able to take some time for myself and see alot of shit .  I am glad I did, cause its allowed me to be able to see that what I am doing now, who I am with now... it was all worth everything that I have had to go through to get where I am here at this very moment.  I am excited, I love knowing that everything in my life is just moving in this amazing direction.  I am pretty content..... its that simple.

This girlies going to bed finally good night.

We are so quick in our lives to sit here and put blame on others, instead of taking the time to take our own eyes and look inward at all the things that we have done in our own lives. If we took the time to sit there and think long and hard of all the issues that we have caused personally to hurt other feelings, then maybe we would be not so quick to judge and make other feel like complete shit.

Learning to emotionally detach from certain people in my life at times feels liberating, then there are the moments like right now that I just want to lock myself in a dark room and ball my eyes out and feel sorry for myself.  But I know that I can not do that and I need to get up, on my own 2 feet and clear away the tears from my pretty little green eyes, look in a mirror and realize that its not worth getting upset about.  I can not tell you how hard that is for me right now. At times I feel like I am so broken, but in the same breath of words, I know that I am not since I am able to look around me and see all the amazing things that I currently have going on for me in my life.  More recently than most.  I am not going to lie though, there is this void that I have that i am not sure will ever be filled.  But a void that I will put far enough away that I will never allow it to effect who I am.  It will be my own personal void, if that should make any sense at all.  Its amazing the effect that our parents have on us, even after we are so convinced we don't need them as we grow up.  I needed mine when I was younger and need them now that I am older, the only issue is that I have never had them, either one of them.  In most of the avenues of my life that I have faced, the good, the bad, the rewarding moments I have done on my own, by myself, with few important people to root me on along the way, for the most part its been me!   I could possibly understand this if my mom treated us all this way, but its only me!  My sister can do no wrong along with my brother, it makes you second guess... is it me? Am I the one with the problem? Is she right, and I sad and pathetic? Then I stop and say... no its not me... I would never treat my child the way that she had treated me, I would never steal from my child or my family, I could not go to sleep at night knowing that I have sat there during the time that my child was shining and try to steal there shine, there moment, and that is all that she has ever done.  Her actions have taught me that I want to be a better person than her in more ways that you could ever imagine, actually some of the evil that is in me was instilled by her and I need to be saved from it all, and I fight day and night to fight that demon, its a constant reminder as to who my mother truley is.  - Its funny i saw a picture today that really stuck home.. my bro and sister in law had there first baby Congrats to them by the way. I am so proud of both of them, and can not wait to be an auntie to this little cutie.... but there was a picture taken with the new baby and my dad, as you can see I tagged it, and besides being proud as anything it brought me to a place where I might been at one time with my dad and my mother.  A moment where I was wanted, a moment where I was able to bring them both joy and happiness. I moment where they saw my eyes for the first time and they wanted nothing but the best for me, I guess life changes and so don't peoples feelings.  I do owe them both some credit though, maybe had they been like most parents.. supportive and there for me.. i might not of turn out so independent, and strong willed, and went after things in life that i want the most.  There hard exterior has given me drive, and has allowed me to be emotional when its requested, and thoughtful and caring.. I could not imagine living this world with no heart or desire to want better for your children. Both their actions has taught me that when the day should come that I am blessed with such an amazing miracle I know exactly who I want to be when that happens, and where I want to be in life.

So on that note, you hold your own accountability on life, and I will hold my own.  I guess at this point all i have at this moment are pictures, to look back on and say hey there was one time in their lives that i meant something to them besides being such a disappointment.  But the truth is its their own fault, they never got to truley know me for me, and what it was that I was able to offer my own life and  theirs.  That just to bad, cause I have a ton more that life is about to offer me, things that are going to offer an amazing adventure and they are not going to be part of any of it, which is sad, my future will never know them, well at least one of them.  Its heart breaking to know that I have come this long in life and I owe my mother no creditability, at least my dad was consistent with not being in my life, and some blame that on his foreign descent cause he is not American he does not get it, but its weird I accept that from him, but when crunch time came he came through.... as far as my mom... things will never change with her.  I am always going to just be let down time after time until I finally make the stand and say enough is enough, and this time... enough is enough. I can only take it one moment at a time, and deal with it as it comes and not allow it to taint my personal life.

I just needed to take the time out and vent... some don't understand it and I hope that anyone who reads  this never has to know what its like to have this type of a situation, its very sad and lonely at times to know that the 2 people that your suppose to respect and admire the most in life, have only been a HUGE disappointment to you. When all that you have ever wanted was to know that no matter what they were their for you. In my case... I am always going to have to wonder ... but i need to give it closure and leave it all in the past.... I have to many good things going right now.

For all the crap that has gone on I found this great guy that puts a smile on my face in more ways that you could ever imagine.  I can not express to anyone enough how head over heels I am for this boy.  It came at a time in my life where I am so ready for what ever it is that life wants to throw at me, I was out dating, (sorry boys) but then this guy just walks into my life from this little town (nowhere) and sweeps me off my feet.  Our first date has never ended, its exactly what I wanted.  He is exactly who I wanted, but yet never knew him, does that make any sense at all?  My face lights up when I talk about him, as I sit here now typing about him I smile, cause I know how lucky I am to have this great guy by my side... it does not make walking into my future scarier its actually making it more interesting and giving me the ability to look forward to so many things ... things that i have no clue about LOL.  You know whats funny, my whole life I have always said I wanted to find that one person in my life that I wanted but not needed, and I have that.. but in a strange way, I do need him.  I need him cause he lights up my life, I need that from someone.  He gives me the ability to be emotional for a totally new reason, not to be sad, but to be happy where most of my life it was about disappointments and never being able to have someone by my side... and this is not the case with him at all.  I just hope he realizes how much he means to me, I do. I know words can express it and actions can express it but really need for him to know that I really want nothing more than for him to be part of my life, and there are not to many people I can say that I have said that about.  So sorry to all the boys out there that I have disappointed,,,, but there is noting that you could do to pull me away from this one.  Sorry :(  This girl has found her prince charming!  LOL...

Oh ya.. weight loss update.  225 lbs to date.  To date I have lost 105 lbs!  I was able to walk into American Eagle and buy shirts that were an XL and not just that but my 14 year old cousin gave me some of her hand me downs.. ya me!  Its been a crazy ride, and after the move to the new place on the 26th and starting in March the gym is going to be priority # 1!   No if and and buts... its going to happen.  I had a mission and I am going to hit it and be able to come out here and gloat about my next milestone. I know that I have seen a lot of my blog followers doing their own version of the weight loss thing and want to say that I follow you all and read up to see how your doing.. I want to let you know that I am proud of you and know that you can do it.. you have to do it. the adrenaline rush you get from this is amazing and to be able to sit there and look at the transformation is amazing. i promise you!  And if you need anything I am here for any support that is needed.  I know whats it like to walk the line and be or feel like your on your own.  Know that you have someone out here rooting or ya. 

I am going to get some work done, and just clear my mind.. thanks for hearing me out.

Love Kim

Talk about being able to ring in a while new year!  Miss Cabeceiras is going to be 31 in the next few days, I can not believe that I have made it this far in life.  LOL - With all the crap that has gone on, being able to celebrate my 31st birthday has a ton of new meaning to me.

When I walked into my 30's  last year, I had this drive to go and just go after all the things that I wanted, and for the most part I have accomplished exactly what it is that I wanted.  I finally put myself first, my needs in place of others, and was able to end the age of 30 in a whole new light.  I have always walked into a room and lit it up, but now.... things just seem so much brighter :) ... I am able to officially state that at this very moment I have been confirmed that I have officially lost my first 100lbs since my journey that started back in April of 2009.  The real work clicked in August, and with the surgery that took place in November, here I sit!  I am beyond thrilled!  I am so fucking proud of myself its not even funny!Some would call this self centered and full of myself, but if you only knew the struggles that I have faced and still face I feel that I deserve every moment of this feeling.  It has a bitter side to it though.  With all the amazing things that have gone on in my life, with meeting an incredible new boy, the events at work, the fact that I have finally found a way to fight this weight loss, at the end of the day I look at my phone and wonder what it would be like to be able to pick it up and call my mom, or my sister, or my dad, or some of the other people in my life that I am suppose to be so close to!  I am going crazy with all this crap, and as much as I sit and state it does not bother me, of course it does.  But I do not want to keep getting hurt, and that is just the cycle that continues to happen time and time again.  I am so done with the blame game, and the guilt.  I only wish that for one moment they could open there eyes and see there is nothing wrong with me, that all the things that I have been able to accomplish in life is a positive thing, and not something that has made me a bad person, if they only knew what a good person I really am. It sucks! 

Family to me has always been the pivot point of my life, and never really having that feeling behind me, I guess its something that I am always going to sit and wonder how it would be, to hear my mom pick up the phone and just say "I am proud of you" that I deserve all the amazing things that happening for me.  Granted I am not looking for her approval, just to know that she was there would mean more to me than anything, however its not my reality, and it does not seem like it will be ever. I am the one that has to come to terms with the way that things are.  Just that around this time of year, I always wonder and think, does she put her self back to the day she had me, the moment that i might of brought some joy to her heart and eyes?  I just could never imagine missing out on so much of my own chillds life, I would want to be there for every pit fall, every moment of glory, even tear he/she shed.  I would never want them to feel alone in anything that they were going through in there life.  But with that said, I look at the positive in it all, there actions make me stronger, and a better person to realize the person that I am not going to become.  When I get blessed with the ablity to have my own children, I am going to be the best mom one can be, I am good to people, and wear my heart on my sleeve.  I will build my own traditions in life that I currently miss out on with my so called family I am suppose to be done it with, and truly appreciate every moment with that.  I smile seeing how far I have come, and how much further I plan to go, and granted the few family members that I do have, I know they are there for me with anything and everything and love them to death.

And for my new life, the new people who have come walking in, I thank you. I look into your eyes and see nothing but an amazing future, your able to bring a smile to my face that warms my heart and all my senses, and there is noting that I would not do for you.  In love... I have been lost and could not find my way, but with all this, its made me see that I have the chance to love a person in this world that deserve it, who wants it, who values it.  My mission is to be able to keep that smile on your face and prove that all this, it what its suppose to be like.  People live there entire lives wanting something like this, and I can say I found it.  I dont know how I lived my life before you not in it, and now I can not imagine my life with out you around.  I say this quote all the time on my facebook, and it truley means more to me now then ever.... "At this moment there are 6,470,818,671 people in the world. Some are running scared. Some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day. Others are just not facing the truth. Some are evil men, at war with good. And some are good, struggling with evil. Six billion people in the world, six billion souls. And sometimes... all you need is one."

and finally.... I have my one <3.  I have no doubt in mind about any of this... you know who you are, and I thank you!  For just loving me the way that you have been!  For all the people in my life that i miss truley you have given me the ablity to see that some things have to fall apart before two people can fall togeather.  I love you...

On that note.. back to work!  And here is to being 31, in love and lookiing great...

Not such a powerful word when you first see it.  Simplicity.    But its been my word that I keep looking back on the past few weeks and can not imagine that I would ever be able to use the word and have it relate to my life.  Things are just simple for me right now and for the first time I am not over anaylizing anything and just letting things be.  I am going to admit that I have not smiled or laughed this much in a long time, or felt this quite content especially with all the crap that has been going on around me, with family and the back to court issue with jerk face, but non of it seems to matter right now, and just taking things one day at a time.  I guess I am to afraid to sit here and gloat about it!  How sad is that, to be so tainted in life about happiness your afraid that being able to say the way that you feel might actually jinks something?  I guess it goes to show all the hurt a person has been through.  But the past is the past, and finally this week I was able to close the door to it all for the most part.  I can not tell you the moment of clarity I felt as I walked out of that court house yesterday.  It was like someone just pushed all the shit right from around me and it was a moment for me to be able to breath again.

I have been talking less and less about the surgery in my last few blog entries.  Things are really good. I am pretty much only 10 lbs away from officially losing 100 lbs.  I got on the scale the other day and saw that I am currently at 240 lbs.  I have only 10 to go to finally lose what my ultimate goal was to lose to begin with... I can not believe I did it!  I did it with all the crap that life decided to throw in my face, and I will never lose sight of that and continue to do great things still.  A lot of people have voiced there options to me either my facebook... or a nasty text here or through the grape vine, but you know nothing can touch me right now.  There is nothing that I have not been through in life that will really make me feel terrible at this point, and how could it.  I have been able to do some amazing things this past year that people only talk about doing or lie and say that they have done, and I get to sit here and be truly amazed every time I reflect back on my life, it is what allows me to smile and see that all i needed to do was put myself out there, allow myself to soul search and find out what it is that I truley want in life and then not allow anyone or anything get in the way of it.

I am good, I am smiling :)!  For the first time in a long time and possibly just in my life in general things are amazing, I wake up in the morning and have this purpose!  You know I said this a lot... I wanted to know what my purpose was in this world, and as time keeps going on I keep thinking that I have an idea about I truley know, my purpose is to just be me... continue to work through all the hardships and struggles that life has to offer, and then when life throws you an award, live it up, appreciate it, and never take it for granted!  When it happens it just happens, and you don't sit and try and figure it out cause you just do not need to at that point, it just happens, and the rest is up to fate! 

I couldn't ask for anything more at this point in my life, the crap that I have dealt with has made me who I am in my life and it has brought the people in my life who are suppose to be there.

I just had to post a little something, on that note, here is to another great weekend (hopefully) and to great people!  Especially those who can make you laugh and smile :) <3

Kim

Its been some time since I have been able to blog out here, but with all the events that life has been throwing out to me, its been pretty hard to try and keep up, but being reminded today by a good friend... about my "notes" i figured that it was about that time to sit and reflect whats been up.

Its been simple ... life has been happening.  I have been the driver to what has been an amazing ride.  Its was officially 2 months since my surgery, the 15th marked my 2 month anniversary, and I am feeling great!  Positive, focused and down approx 80 lbs!  I no I can not believe it. I say that with every milestone I hit.  I have struggled with some of the eating this month, and realizing what I can do and what I can not, but managing fine. Lates are my best friend of course with skim milk and equal but its protein that i am trying to get in. Hello STARBUCKS its been my new fav hangout.  I am back at the gym and focusing on the things that make sense plus it helps with the stress and all the spare time I have during the week after work.. LOL that was sarcastic.  But I am making the time and doing everything that i need to do, and I am telling you there is no excuses here, and there cant be it just had to get done!  Last week I finally cleaned out my closet and (8) 30 gallon trash bags later I said good bye to all my clothes practically.  it was bitter sweet, more sweet than bitter, and its funny with every shirt, jeans, work pants that I threw in the bag I threw away all the horrible memories that were part of it.  I related each article of clothing that i put in the bag a moment to reflect on all the things that are changing for me, every article of clothing is a memory that i am able to look back on and see how I am worth more and deserve only the best, and I will not settle till I get it.  All of this has been amazing journey and I still have a long road ahead of me, but i stay focused, positive and just keep it up.  I mean how could I not... lol

So as I sit here watching reruns of Family Guy... lol not being able to sleep cause of this crazy energy that I have and that fact that I am such an night owl, i wanted to pin point that at the start of this whole journey i questioned about getting back in to the dating field, and wondered do i say to the person that i am dating and let them know what I have done.  I thought to not to and just go with the fact that if they saw pics or was curious as to why i was losing weight every time they saw me, I was just say ya...i work out and just diet, but I decided not to, why would I post my life about this out to the public and hide it, I am proud of what I have done and the results that I have seen.  I have come a long way in life to get exactly where I am at and there is a ton of hard work further to do and to be able to find that one person in my life that will just be there will be an awarding feeling for me!  And to know that the person I was before only has allowed me to be the strong person that i am today any guy who chose to get to know me the real me will see write through all the bullshit and get to know my core.  What I did was not the easy way out it was the only way out... for me and its not for everyone, it was my only way to find my new direction in life and it not easy, and i am still trying to figure it all out, day by day.  I miss just being able to eat what ever I want when I want.  but when i have that moment i stop and look at myself in a mirror and look at my thin face and say.. its not so bad, and then think about my health and say... yup that does not compare. 

So next Wednesday I found out today that I need to once again go and see Danny... uggghhh i know, its been a year and some on months, last time i saw him it was october, at the first hearing and now we have to go back all over a stupid freaking cable bill.  I can not believe that after a year I am still dealing with his bullshit.  However it is a constant reminder of all the things that i really want in my life and what I do not, as much of a shit head he was and selfish he was he did do this for me, he put me in this place in life where I was able to accomplish what I am doing today.  I was able to get out of the darkness that i lived with him and see that I was worth way to much more. And I am not going to lie its going to feel amazing to see him and be able to walk past him with my head held high and know that he will notice the weight loss and i am going to just there and just do me, and out of the corner of my eye to look at him and remind myself that there is so much better out there.  And I know personally that there is and I am not saying anything further cause I am not jinking it.  That is all that I am going to say for now, so allow your minds to wonder and ponder what i might mean by that statement, but i am just figuring it all out myself right now and at this moment i can not stop smiling. 

I think for the first time in my life I have waited long enough, and fate has finally given me the ability to start another amazing journey in my life.  I can only hope and keep my fingers crossed that  every moment of it has a reason or a purpose, we will just have to wait and see.... WINK WINK...

I am going to now go and chill with my boys from Entourage and laugh my ass off, and look forward to an amazing weekend.

Love always Kim

I could not sleep.

I have to get up super early in the morning and get my ass to work, and yet I sit here at 12AM wide awake watching Conan on TBS and find myself blogging out here.

I have a lot on my mind, and I am sure that once you read previous post you can prob. tell why.  There has been way to many ironic events that went into play this past 2 weeks, and as much as I am trying to convenience myself that its just coincidence I am not help but this part of me think that it could be just fate too at the same time.  Wishful thinking.  I  just keep looking for this reasoning behind all the events that have taken place, and i still do not have any answers or explanations to any of it, I can not help but to sit here and think about it. 

I am doing good, my motivation is till plugging along with the whole weight loss journey, still just taking it one day at a time.  Gym is my main focus after the first of the year.  I am going to really hit it hard.  I have to.  I want to hit my 100lbs weight loss mark prior to June 2011 which I think seems doable.  I know that this is really all i should be focusing on right now, but its been hard with all the other thoughts that have been going through my head and heart.  I can not help but want to write him an email and just listen, this is how I feel, and what you do with that is totally up to you, but then part of me this little voice inside is saying.. Kim leave it alone. If it was mean to be, he would be making that move not you.  So the little voice has been winning.

I am still seeing initial boy... but he is not what I want.  How horrible is that.  I have fun when I am with him, but ugghhh i just don't feel it, and the Dr boy I had this impression that he was so different then what he turned out to become, granted I am intrigued by what he has to offer but know deep down in side cause I am already feeling the red flags, I know its not the potential to be anything more.  I am dating up a storm, just looking for that one person who I can just connect with. Oh well, just going to keep plugging along and meet people.  Who cares, its fun and that is the only way your going to find what it is that you eventually want.  Its what dating is all about.  To funny though, its funny you want them they do not want you... they want you and your convinced that there is better out there. LOL oh man what is to be a girl. LOL   Is is so bad that I just do not want to settle.  I did that twice already... and not about to make that same mistake again.

I can not wait for this Friday night.. a night out dancing and getting all dolled up so excited.  It will be a good night, oh boy.  I am only hoping that I am going to ring in 2011 the right way.

What a tiring day I had today but feeling a bit better.

I was able to find the motivation to get up finally at 6 ish  and clean up the house a bit and get ready for work and my dr appointment tomorrow.

This evening while I was putting around the house, I had a feeling of being disconnected from the world.  It was weird, then the new boy  started to text me and well this new boy is doing everything so far correct, but I am just not feeling it.  Uggghhh what is my problem.  Its so exhausting. 

Tomorrow I have a dr appointment with my surgeon.  I am going to see how well i have done since the surgery and going to find out what my total weight loss is to date.  We shall see.... and of course the next phase to this life style change.  So I guess this is what I am going to call Phase II.  The holidays are here, and Christmas is right around the corner.. and then of course 2011 which I am excited for to celebrate.  I am so happy that I am going to go out.

For a while I thought about talking the time to sit and write down all the things that I want to accomplish.  I never thought to just finally sit myself down and get it all written out and do it.  After today, and organizing a good cause and got colleagues of mine to participate, there was nothing more rewarding of the feeling that I had when I was able to follow through with what the original plan was.  Today I was able to take 2 box full of toys to the Walpole Police Department for the Toys for Tots Drive and it felt so good to do this, and that is why it has convinced me to finally sit here and finally write my bucket list.  A list of all the things that I want to accomplish before I die.  As I write this list some of the things that I have might seem a bit far fetched and out of the norm, but its what I want.  I am giving myself the rest of myself to accomplish as much as I can, and every time I am able to cross something off my list I will blog about it and explain what I took from it, and the reason why I felt it was important to do it.  I think that most of live our lives wanting to do things and  yet we never find a way to get it done.  Plus I don't think that any of realize how short life really is and sometimes we take the time we have on this earth surrounded by people from our past and present and never realize the direct meaning that they might of had in our lives, or the moments that were shared, every moment in this world counts for something and we should embrace it and realize that its those very moments that allows us to move on in life.  Make the choices we make.  After all the things that I have been through in the last 2 years, the events that I have had to face, it makes me see that I want to take every moment and run with it and live with no regrets, so this list is a reflection of just that.  I hope that you might be able to read this blog and relate to where I am coming from with this and hope that one day you might be able to find yourself writing your own bucket list and challange yourself to do as much as you can! 

Own my own home

Marry an amazing supportive man

Experience motherhood

Be able to change the life for one child in this world and be a positive role model for them

Fly a kite

Climb a mountain

Wear a size 14

Travel to a third world country

See Pearl Harbor

Run a mile

Run a marathon

Buy a dress from Black White Market

Go too a drive in movie

Go Fishing

Go Camping

Donate a weekend day to helping out in a homeless shelter

Learn to sail a boat

Read a book about Marylin Monroe

Meet (1) celebrity

Give a solider a hug and thank him for all he has done for our country

Hear my dad say how proud he is of me

Wear a pair of high heels

Watch the entire season of entourage from when they first came out till the most current

Get a tattoo

Sail around the world

Go kayaking

Go scuba diving

Swim with a dolphin

Go deep sea fishing

Be a go go dancer for (1) night

Learn how to ballroom dance

Save $2500 and not spend it for 1 year

Go para sailing

Shoot a gun

Go to a Celtics Game

Go to a Bruins game

Wear a strapless dress (and look good in it)

Sleep one night under the stars

Learn to bartend and work at a high pace club for a night

Help a single mom for a weekend who is just to over whelmed

Organize my own charity

Open a camp to help over weight children

Drive across country

Ride a jet ski

Try water sking

Learn to surf

Learn to swim under water with out holding my noise

Learn to ice skate

Learn to snow board

Learn to ski

Play a game of tennis

Ride on a motorcycle

Write a book and try and get it published

Find a cure for cancer

Find a cure for aids

Ride a roller coaster

cross my legs

Race a car

Learn to sing

Sing Karoke

Go to fashion week in NY

Dance on the wang center stage

Go see circus so la

See Blue Man group

Go to vegas

Meet a stripper

Adopt a child

Become a foster parent

Have my teeth fixed and have a perfect smile

Cook a four course meal

try being a vegan for 1 week

learn to speak another language

try yoga

learn to meditate

practice Buddhism

go back to school

go to Greece

there will be more

Its funny how your past finds a way to sweep back on in, to remind of all some of the shit that you deal with and of course it starts to hash some old feelings that you thought that you ere able to berry aside cause you were over it, but instead you realize that this news is bigger and finds a way to dig right at that piece of your heart that you were able to hide away that was hurt at one time and finds a way to resurface. 

The news came to me in a very casual way, in a small world kind of way which made it even worse cause some would consider it an act of fate, not in this case.  Sadden by the news cause well till this day even after 13 years I still think about him, no matter who I was with, where I was I always wondered what could of been had I not played games and he had not played games. Had maybe i new it was just nothing years ago and that there was just a thrill of knowing that I was pining over him then maybe this feeling would of been different, but instead after 13 years it still stabs me in the heart as though I was still 17/18 and he was just so amazing in my young eyes.  The funny part, he was always amazing to me, as pissed as I got for all the shit that happened or did not happened, I never and still never say any wrong, I guess that is what it means to have a true love.  Obviously it was one way, my way but I guess I can say I have had the chance to experience it even if it was not meant to be.  So finding this information out tonight was bitter sweet.  But as an adult and because I have always truly cared about this person I wish this person but nothing but the best and hope the future is good to them.  The piece of my heart today that I held on for so many years found a way to sort of subside when I was told that he has finally decided to get married to what i consider one lucky girl!  Again its been years since I have even seen this person, I have glanced at a few new recent pictures and stuff, but that i about it, but honestly I can not imagine him not being happy and he deserves all of it, even if it was never with me.  I know I sound sick but come on have you ever just had that one person that just you could never get out of your head, your heart. No matter what... I use to imagine that once I got my life together and brought myself to a place where I was considered acceptable (meaning thin and pretty) I would try and touch base with him, it never happened.  Touching base with him that is.  I sent a few IM back and forth but that was it, never really expressed my feelings and why should I have, I new he was happy and I new there never stood any chance.  Wishful thinking I guess.  So now, nothing its okay.  I smile like I have been and move on with it all, just another part of my past that I shall leave behind.  Its like closing another chapter to my old life that I use to live.  Which hopefully means it will just open another one. :)

On that note, a more positive happy ya me note... i went out shopping with my girly tonight (thanks by the way bestie) and found my New Years Eve outfit, and the best part I am 3 sizes smaller than I have ever been. I am so excited, and let me tell you I am going to be rocking it out and ringing in 2011 like no buddies business!  I am so excited and can hardley wait to shake my booty on the dance floor and also I am wearing heels why... cause I can!   It felt great tonight shopping and loving to put on a sparkly shirt and not look like the ball that is about to drop on New Years.  LOL  So what started as a crappy night ended up being a positive happy one.  And of course I heard from the new boy PJ and we have plans to hang out and watch a movie at my place tomorrow night.. NO NO NO nothing like that  just a movie and then he is leaving!  LOL what kind of girl do you think I am.  there will be plenty of time for that LOL.

I am not sure... it feels like things are happening and it good don't get me wrong but at the same time its sad, I almost have no control over any of it.  the news is just a slap of reality and fate telling me to get over it and move on cause there is going to be this amazing light at the end of all this and its all going to make sense even if right now it just all hurts.  So I keep my head up, my smile bright, and say... okay...

So I will end this blog tonight by saying this: 

I loved you for many years, and if your reading you no who you are.  I might not of made all the right choices or said the right thing to you and did some stupid stuff but love makes you do some crazy shit.  But honestly I am happy for you truly and can now see how our conversation was so short the last time we spoke (or rather typed) i wish you nothing but happiness, and joy and a life full memories. You were and are an amazing guy and I will leave just at that.

Love Kim

I have always walked in a shadow my entire life.A shadow that I was good at hiding thorough this loud personality and act to the world that I did not give a shit. But for the life that I have lived I have done nothing but settle cause I always thought I deserved nothing more that I was had.  That meant with relationships, and just about everything else that I did in my 30 years of existing.  I am finally living, and granted there is this long road a head of me, I am happy that I am going to be able to travel through the reminder of it in the current light that I am standing in and not the shadow that I have been use to seeing.

Today marks 35 days since my surgery, In the past 35 days, I have shed not only pounds (61lbs) to date but tears, fears, and a shadow that I never want come across again.  I am breathing, and looking into he same mirror that I have looked into for 30 years and hated myself and now that same mirror I see this girl that has so much ahead her.  My life is no longer consumed by food, or thinking of drowing my emotions into something that did nothing but hurt me.  I am becomiing a strong person inside and out, and I am so proud that.

This weekend marked another mild stone, I was able to walk into a store and not a plus size store and buy my first piece of clothing that was not specifically made for an "obese" individual.  I am no longer a 3 X ... I am able to fit into an XXL at Old Navy, and to some you have no idea what that might mean, but for me that means success!  I am beyond thrilled about this and had to share it. 

I use to blog and talk about looking for my purpose in life.  I thought that my purpose in life was suppose to become a wife and a mom, and I am hoping that purpose still does exisit for me someday, but tonight I found my true purpose, and my purpose was to finally but aside all the bullshit that I have dealt with in my life, the hurt, the pain, the saddness and the disapointments and finally see that my purpose was to make myself proud!  My purpose was to do this, and be sucessful and tell my story to the world and help others in their own journey.  There is so many emotions that I have dealt with in the past 35 days, and man have some of them been crazy, but guess what I am still standing, nothing has knocked me down.  I am doing this and putting one foot in front of the other. 

Tonight I went to meet a boy for a cup of coffee, a semi date you could call it, prior this weekend I was suppose to hang out with another boy.. and well it did not go the way I intended, I got blown off, and you know what for the first time I knew that I did not have to deal with being treated like that.  I told him he was jerk and I have not bothered with him since, and you know what, I am so happy about that!  I have come to a place in my life where I know I am worth so much more.  So the other boy, the cup of coffee boy, semi date boy, so into me, and it felt so good! it also felt good for the boy to be bigger than me for once, and not me be bigger than him.  LOL... what a great feeling when I got a hug goodnight, he was able to wrap his arms around me!  And yes topped it off with a classy kiss. Great feeling... It was safe feeling. LOL ... I was the littler one! For the first time in my life!  

Its amazing the sense of confidence that you gain once you see yourself in this new light.  And for the people who have never battled with being heavy or classified as being "obese" you would consider this being cocky.  Oh look at the girl that has lost weight.. thinking she is all that, well guess I am all that. I deal with struggles and emotions that you could never deal with or even understand so if I want to give myself a little bit of credit I am going to, cause I have worked that hard that its about time to reward my self and smile in the process.

So the new boy,,,, well is only been date 1, I am just going to still do my own thing and in the mean time try and get to know him.  But its nice to see that I know what I am worth and that is what truly matters.

I am doing this, and it feels so good!  I looked around my apartment right now and see pictures of myself with friends, old friends, and this girl that I shared this life with it amazing I know her, she is a strong person that truly cares about people the only problem was that she never cared enough about herself! 

I have gained a lot from posting my personal thoughts out here, some would say why is she being so personal, but as time goes on and the more i talk to people I see that its helping others and that is what I want to do.  You all know who are out there and just know that your so worth all of this.  Its about gaining something in life other than weight!  Im always here to talk no matter what!  Consider me your biggest fan right now,   I will be rooting you all on! 

Till another mild stone...

Love Kim