Tara S.
Boy. "My Story" in one go, huh? No sure I can do that. But I'll try.
The non-weight part of my story:
I was born in Texas, raised in New Zealand, moved back to the U.S when I was 21. I have a large complicated extended family, have a small family of my own (husband + child), and am generally a happy camper. My husband is a fantastic, supportive man, and I am thankful for him every day. My daughter is amazing and funny and sweet. She is a shining star in my world.
I work in a very sedentary job, which makes the weight thing hard. I'm a programmer, and sit on my ass coding all day long. Makes one fat very, very, quickly. I've always loathed exercise, and since having a child, and working opposite hours from my husband, I find that there's nothing on earth that can compel me to spend the few precious moments of "me" time I get each week doing yet another chore like working out. So here I am, fat and miserable about it.
The weight part of my story:
I was a skinny kid, and a member of a skinny, weight-obsessed family. Judging fat people was OK, and there was no understanding of how you can "let" that happen to you. But there was no focus on healthy alternatives. If you're fat, stop eating. If you're skinny and want ice-cream, eat the whole container. Doesn't matter.
I first experienced being overweight when I was 13. I stopped growing, and during the course of that year (my first year of high school) I went from being a geeky skinny kid to a really geeky kinda chubby kid. Not huge, but chubby. I hadn't done anything different, I just stopped growing. It was really hard to take, especially because it really snuck up on me. When I was 14 I lost most of my excess weight and while no-one had said much about me getting fat I got a lot of "compliments" about looking better. I say "compliments" in quotes because they were things like "Are you sure you want more rice? You finally look better and you wouldn't want to ruin that would you?"
As a teen I slowly gained weight (a few pounds a year, maybe) and was again unhappy with my weight when I was 19. At 20 I went on a starvation diet and lost a lot of weight. I was happy with how I looked, but had no self worth. I started slowly gaining again, and was overweight again a year later. Again, I starved myself and got down to a "healthy" weight. Of course, I was malnourished, and sickly, but thin. During my 20's I dieted almost constantly, and worked out some, but continuted to gain a few pounds a year. I went from 135, which I was happy with, to breaking 200 about eight months ago. I'm currently about 215.
I've done years of Weight Watchers, Atkins, Slim Fast, nutritionist visits, personal trainers, working out, not working out, eating anything, eating nothing, eating just certain foods, the end result is the same. Failure.
I'm bigger than I ever thought possible, and it's like I'm living in a nightmare every single day. I hate myself for it, and that drives me deeper into the hole I can't climb out of to go fix the problem. I know what my family thinks, despite them not saying anything about it. And most importantly I know what I think and see every day. My daughter asks me ("why does your tummy hang down?" "Why do you wear such huge underwear?" etc). And I hate it. I want to just hide myself away from the world.
And I know that unless I get some serious help, it will only get worse. I have tried endlessly to fix it and I'm burned out. I need help.
Where I want to be:
- I want to not feel self-conscious when my husband sees me naked.
- I want to feel like I'm a role model for my daughter.
- I want to walk past a mirror and not avert my eyes every single time.
- I want to look in the mirror every once in awhile and not hate what I see.
- I want to be in the "healthy" weight range. I don't need to be at the bottom of it. Just somewhere in it.
- I want to feel physically fit again, like I can keep up with my daughter because I'm not having to drag around an extra 80 lbs all the time.
Please please please, United Healthcare, please approve me for this. I need it.
