starrd616

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I know how to lose weight.  I know how to make wise choices.  I say I want to be healthy.  I say I want to lose weight.  I say I want to move more, but day after day week after week month after month year after year, I am the same.

So easy to forget the plan.  So easy to revert to the unhealthy.  I am so angry at myself for doing this, again, to myself.  I have regained everything from Surgery Day.  I had been holding steady for a while, then last year saw the gaining gaining gaining - I try again, and fail and then give up and try again and fail and give up.  I am just posting this for my record.  I look back at the optimism I had and feel so let down by me.

I joined an exercise group that meets for 45 minutes on Monday and Tuesday beginnng July 12.  Here is what I told my friends about the class the day after it started:

 I got there early, about 6:45 and met Attilla, I mean Rene, the Drill Sargent (oops again) instructor.  When I saw the steps I knew I was in for it, when she asked the center personnel for a mat, I was looking for a quick exit.  Me, get down on the floor AND get back up again?  Have you ever seen a turtle on it's back, or a whale on a beach?  Well, she and the classmates asured me they would help me up (hope they brought their half-ton jack with them).  Needless to say, I was a bit apprehensive about this whole thing -- people I didn't know, actions I wasn't sure my body would do, and what if I break wind during a strenuous activity?    Well, the class started and we slowly warmed up, I looked at the clock, "that was only 5 minutes? I am not going to make it."  We kept going, I looked at the clock, "10 minutes down, and I don't think I will last".  My thighs were burning, and we were just doing the upper body still.  Then we started the leg stretches and lunges and squats.  Next, line dancing.  Finally, the steps, oh no, well they only had 3 steps and I said I would just use the floor (hard enough for me without trying to defy gravity).  Next, the mat.  I got down (oh it was soooo nice to just lie there -- it was a deception).  Next it was modified push-ups, bicycle, and 100 crunches -- yes, 100 people.  Then, after all that, it was time to stand up.  We did have small preschool chair next to me, and I was able to use that to climb up.  Ah, cool down time, breathing and slow movements, a little stretching.  The 45 minutes was done.  I was still alive, still able to ambulate, and could even breath.  All throughout this, I was thinking, "I can't do this twice a week.  I will just not come back.  I will call for a refund and find something else to do that I can do."  And with each thought (lie), I heard God's truth.  "I am with you.  I am your strength.  Do not be anxious about anything.  I will make a way for you." and many other phrases and words of encouragement He gives.    Well, today, I am still sore (a bit) and planning on going back tomorrow night.  It is time for me to move and I need to get out of the comfortable and do what seems impossible.

Well, day before yesterday, a Wednesday, I was having a stressful day at work.  You know what I thought -- "Oh I can't wait to get to exercise class and feel better".  Yes, I feel better with exercise.  I am moving better, hurting less.  AND -- big shocker, eating better. 

I have been thinking about not rejoining the group after this session and trying something else, but I know if I don't committ to something, I will do nothing.  So, I may rejoin for the next session and look for something else during it.  We'll see.  The one thing I know, (don't tell anyone I said this) I enjoy exercising.  Not the actually act, but I like what it does to my body and mind.
 

  I belong to a weight loss group, First Place which is a Christ-centered Bible Study weight loss group.  I was this session's "biggest loser" . Someone asked me what I did to lose 14.5 pounds this session.  I gave the standard answer, ate less - moved more.  But the other morning as I was entering in all my weights into Livestrong website tracker, I noticed the bouncing up and down I did for the first 7 weeks.  I realized, that in the last 3 weeks, I have focused more on what I was doing and stopped playing the game with myself -- "I am trying real hard, I don't know why the weight won't go down" -- as I eat another donut.   So, what happened in week 8?  On Day 6, we were instructed to come up with a blueprint showing "who you were, who you are, and who you will become".  I think this was the first time I actually visualized and put into words what I wanted (besides "to lose weight").  I want to encourge each of you, even if all you do is write the words, draw a picture of your body in the 3 phases, write a "typical day in the life" essay for before and after, think about what you want the end result to be.  You wouldn't remodel or redecorate your home without having planned what it would look like or how you would use it at the end.  You are remodeling and redecorating your body.   In closing, I have including an except from an article from Livingstrong website -- it really encouraged me to keep my focus on progress -- one step at a time.    THE STAGES OF CHANGE   Overview

People often expect to make changes in their lives quickly. "I'll go to the gym five times a week," they say, or "It's no big deal to cut out sugar." And then reality hits, the fatigue sets in and the cookies start calling from the cupboards. Whether it's starting a new exercise program, learning communication skills or a career transition, understanding how change works can help you find and maintain your motivation.

Six Stages of Change

According to University of Rhode Island researchers James Prochaska and Carlo DiClemente, there are six stages of change: pre-contemplation is the mindset before you even think about making a change; contemplation is the stage in which you start to think about making a change; preparation is the stage during which you start to get ready for a change; action is when you are in the midst of changing; maintenance is remaining consistent with your new behaviors; and relapse (which people tend not to realize is one of the stages of change) is falling back on former behaviors.

Well, I weighed in at my Doctor's on Tuesday and was down 5 pounds.  Today, I am never satisfied with food, though.  Ate, ate, ate all day long.  Maybe the cold and cough I have is working on me.

June 16, 2010 --

Today is my birthday.  I had surgery on November 4, 2009, and since then have managed to lose 56 pounds in 7 months 12 days.  Since today is a milestone day, I might as well make it a restart day.  The hard part is the birthday celebrations and cake.  I need to focus on my accomplishments, not my failures or short-comings. 

My goal for the rest of June is to get back to basics -- drink 64oz of H2O daily.  continue walking daily, eliminate eating out except for 1 day a week, plan my meals daily and eat the plan.  I hope to continue journaling, too.