starby
Have been overweight all my life except for a few brief shining years from mid to late teens (although I didn't appreciate it then, because, like most girls, I still thought I was fat even though photos prove I was only average). I have been miserable most of my life, due to all my self-esteem issues with my weight. Even though I know I'm a good person with a likeable personality, I generally feel like a 'lesser' person . . .you guys know what I mean? Even today, when I know better than that.
Because I figured I was too fat, I never: went dancing, learned to ski, joined various groups or clubs to meet new people, initiated conversations with average/attractive men, went for that better job interview, or took that plane trip/vacation. I've declined invitations to weddings and to parties (not that I can find a nice outfit anyway).
My life has been the same for, well, I don't want to tell you. My life doesn't change. I work the same job, have the same boring social life . . .friends get married, have families, change careers, go on vacations, move to other states. I eventually stop calling them, and vice versa. How many stories can I tell about work? And I make a concentrated effort not to talk about my cats. Surely don't want people thinking I'm the fat Cat Lady with no social life.
My diabetes, blood pressure, sciatica, stress incontinence (shameful!), and sleep apnea have worsened. When I lament to my sister (who had surgery about two years ago) that I'm going to actually bisect my stomach and re-route my intestine voluntarily, she puts it in perspective by asking me if I would prefer half a stomach or just one leg?
I work in an ophthalmology office, and we HAVE patients with amputated limbs because of diabetes. Notably, one sweet little old lady in a wheelchair told me how her doctors were too anxious to cut off her legs, and by god, she wasn't gonna let them. She then lifted her long skirt to her knees to show me that her legs were still just fine . . .all I saw were angry purple tree trunks criss-crossed with ropy blue veins, and big patches of thickened, white, dead skin and runny lesions partly scabbed over. Coincidentally, my 27 lb weight loss was shortly after that -- when I was working the treadmill at the gym, thinking of how my legs hurt, I would think of hers and wonder if the doctors got 'em yet. . .
My mind set has changed gradually: five years ago, I wouldn't consider this surgery, and even confided to others that people who did so were taking huge risks, and the easy way out. After much research (oh yeah, I know it's NOT the easy way out), I figure this is my last resort 'tool' to give me a jump start on losing weight. About two years ago, I was going through the steps my insurance required to even be referred to consult with a bariatric surgeon, when I came across several motivating magazine articles about women who lost weight -- and kept it off! Once again, figuring if they could do it, so could I, my motivation for surgery slacked, and I didn't follow up. I tried harder than ever to lose weight --- lost 27 pounds in about six months, gained it back over the next six months.
So here it goes. If I do everything I'm supposed to , then surgery is scheduled for August 20th 2007, @ UC Davis in Sacramento with Dr. Ali. Wish me luck!
