sminton
I am really not looking forward to all of the fighting with the insurance company, but I am committed to doing this for me! Hello there. I have been lurking on this site for quite some time. I have been trying to figure everything out. I think I am almost there. Whoo hoo! Quitting smoking is a huge bummer. I know that I can't smoke any longer. Thats the reason that I am here. This site may have saved my life. I am from Michigan, living in Oklahoma. It is a totally different world here. We learn to keep too much inside back home. People are a lot more open here. They will talk to you about personal things and not bat an eye. I must say that I was pretty suprised when I started to figure this out. It really has taken a long time to feel a little bit comfortable with anyone. I am writing this at this very moment thinking, who is going to read this? Who is judging me and on what? I am really trying to "break out" a bit. When I found this site, I was considering my "puke it all up" diet. The only way that I have ever lost weight, without starving myself completely. A little background-I, like so many wonderful people that I have been blessed to read about their lives, I was an uncomfortaby overweight kid. I was depressed as a kid, too. I couldn't wait to turn 18 and take on the world. Joint the Air Force, after some disappointment over the weight standards. Starved and tortured myself for four months and lost a bunch of weight. I don't pride myself of saying that I gained weight during boot camp. I was eating three good meals a day, like everyone else. I was doing the runs and PT-EVERYTHING everyone else was doing, but I was gaining weight. The six weeks flew by, and before you know it, I find myself in Colorado to train for my job. (A COOK '-0) Where I met my husband of 13 years. Fast forward, fast forward....... We have our beautiful daughter. (I am a beast) Put on weight control (somethin- I am trying to forget). Have to weigh in and get my body measured every week. (HUMILIATING) Finally, we get to the point wherein I respectfully request discharge five months short of my four year commitment. (hum, commitment) My comander was a beautiful person. I am proud to have known such a man. I start watching some children for a former squad member (twins-gasp) Begged enough to move to Oklahoma-so we do! We have another beautiful daughter. (OMG-I am going to explode) I am a huge beast. Moved into a house with a swimming pool. Decided to walk in pool. Start to starve myself........for the first time since before boot camp, I am starting to look kinda sexy ;-0 My gallbladder starts to freak out or something-I never did understand why that happened. Gall bladder removed. Had to move. Depression sets in. Try to keep swimming, not fun any more. I am a huge beast. Lasted a couple of months. Had one Christmas in this life skinny. I don't know how much I weigh. I can't stand it. I am so unhealthy, that I have started to question if suicide via food is actually what is going on. Not that I am suicidal. I mean that I cannot control this, as a drug user of sorts. My circle that I do every day. Does anyone else reconize this circle-go to bed, vow not to over eat the next day, get up, vow not to over eat this day, go to work, vow not to over eat this day, have a snack, another snack, sandwich, fruit, chocolate, fruit, dinner, snack, snack, snack, cereal, oh man, I could go on and on. I hate this circle. I hate the way that I feel. I hate having no control. I am never full. I don't know full. I have such a long road to recovery, that it seems to far to etake this first step. I have to keep going. I made an appointment with Dr. Floyd for the 31st of January. I am really trying to get ahold of this smoking craving. I don't want to be smoking anymore. I have to constantly remember that. That is all about me for now. Can't wait to see the doctor and figure out how to change. I am in here, I want so badly to come out. s