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~~~**Update: 07/30/06**~~~
Okay I am beginning to get settled in and I thought I would give you a little update on me and my adventure to Iowa. The drive here was boring and long, but taking I-70 was nice because the speed limit was 70mph... not that I went the speed limit or anything, lol. There was not much sight seeing... just farm land after farm land. I think the best parts of the trip were the mountains in Maryland/Pennsylvania/West Virginia... I thought of you Miss Wilby during my time in WV. We were really lucky with the weather and just had rain the first night out. We got a much later start than we wanted to but made it into town on Friday the 7th of July as planned. So I know you are all waiting with anticipation to know what Ames, Iowa is like... right??? LOL Well, it is alot smaller than I imagined it, about 54,000 people or so. Definently a college town. Nothing like Jersey at all and not as close to Wichita, Kansas as I had hoped, but it is nice and the traffic is non-existant. Larry loves his commute to work... it takes him about 8 minutes compared to the 1- 1 1/2 hours in Jersey. We do not have a super Wal-mart or Super Target and that kinda annoys me, but the grocery stores are nice and prices are average. This is not the place to live if you love to shop... and that I do... thank heavens for the internet, lol. We are only about 20 minutes from Ankeny and 30-45 minutes from Des Moines... so I will be a "traveling fool" come Christmas time. As for the apartments... you know... the ones we agreed to sight-unseen (except for the internet photos, of course)... well they are great!!!! We love them. They are brand spankin' new and we got the deal of the century on a four bedroom/ two bath apartment. We originally made a deal on the 2 bedroom for the small price of 700.00 and asked if they had a three bedroom when we got here and the property manager said no, but he made a deal with the 4 bedroom for 100.00 more. That is right ladies... 800.00 for a HUGE 4Bed/2ba 3rd floor apartment with a large balcony, brand new everything, and a wonderful location over loooking the cornfields of Iowa, lol. And I know what you are thinking... how are you going up 3 floors with your big ol' hamhawk legs Sipele???? Elevators!!!! And we are right off the elevator... I LOVE IT!!! This is heaven compared to our 1bd/1ba apartment in Jersey for 850.00... and the 2bd/1ba aprtment for 1050.00. We are livin good out here so far. We switched our insurance over and are paying half of what we paid in Jersey and our internet and cable is FREE with the apartment so we are savin all around... except for the fact that.... we have a baby girl to support!!!! Yep, finally after two failed adoptions we have our baby!!! Her name is Haylee. She is 5 months old and she is actually the first baby we were trying to adopt. Her mother, my hubby's neice decided very last minute before we left Jersey to go ahead and have us raise her. We are still in the long adoption process with her, but she is her with us and we are so HAPPY!!! I am hoping to add pictures of her very soon. As for my WLS journey... I have two info sessions coming up in the next couple months. The first one is Saturday in Des Moines and the 2nd one is on the 14th of September here in Ames. We have new insurance out here and I am not sure what is going to happen. I am pretty sure that I am going to have to retest all over again, but hopefully they will not drag their feet as long as Temple did. Well... what was meant to be a short little hello is now another novel... again! Before I go I have to give a shout out to my wonderful angel, Sue. She is having her TT and hernia surgery tomorrow and I just want to let her know that she is always in my thoughts and prayers. Good Luck and God Bless all of you!

~~~**Update: 1/13/06**~~~

It is already mid January and still no news. I am no farther along that when I completed my testing on November 11, 2005. This is so discouraging. I am having such a hard time keeping it together and I try to trick myself everyday to not give up and *try* to stay positive. After you read this entry, you will see that I am loosing this fight.

Alot has happened in the last couple months and I have not been on the boards or updating my profile, as you can tell. After a month of phone calls and no results from Temple Hospital, I decided to go ahead and take the advise of a good friend and look into another hospital. Monday I went to a support group meeting and was blown away at the difference. The surgeons were there. That alone was enough to make my husband turn to me and tell me to call Temple and get our money back from them. One of the surgeons did a presentation about the types of surgey available and went over the statistics for RNY and their specific hospital. Even after several years of research, I was amazed at how much I learned in that hour long session. I thought that was wonderful, but, I was surprised to find that the best was yet to come. They took a brief break and offered protein sampling as well as a table to buy protein and other aftercare necessities. Then came back with an awards ceremony for patients that lost 100 pounds or more. That was nice, not too many of them chose to speak about their journey other than, "it is the best thing that ever happened to me" kinda stuff. But it was great to see that the support group had structure and ceremonies of accomplishment. This is a far cry from the *mess* Temple calls a support meeting. Finally, they opened it up to the floor and talked about getting through the holidays, some of the struggles they face from day to day, the foods that seem to cause them problems, and the lessons learned from doing those little no-no's that the surgeons warn us about. I know this is typical of most meetings, but I have to say that I was so impressed by the way they did it. I heard from those that were 6 days out all the way to 5 years out and for the first time I feel like I have an idea of what to expect, "foodwise." This was not one's journey, but an entire group's journey. As you can tell from this story, I had a wonderful expereince... so you would think that I would have called Temple the very next day, asked for a refund, and jumped on board the Rancocas Hospital train. Well, not quite.

I was suppose to have my consultation appointment with Dr. Wasser today from Rancocas and Larry had mandatory overtime so I am going to have to reschedule my appointment. I called Temple on Tuesday ready to get firm and drop the possibility of a refund and Barbara informed me that she had my file laying right in front of her and that everything was in and looked great. (I knew this over three weeks ago!) Anyhow, she said she would call me on Wednesday (very next day) and set up my appointment to see Dr. Dempsy. Well, it is now Friday and still no call from her or anyone at his office. I really tried to fool myself into thinking that all would be fine after the holidays and things would pick back up at Temple. I keep making excuses for Temple for some reason. I guess alot of it is laziness and maybe a little pride too. Knowing that I put this much into Temple makes me want to see it through with them. I just dont know if I can start all over again. I know I have the majority of testing complete and if I can get my results from Temple, it would speed up my process with Dr. Wasser but, I know how much time and energy was wasted there. We cant afford for Larry to take off that much time again. I know I am looking at this all the wrong way and that I am failing to see the big picture, but sometimes you cant concentrate on the BIG PICTURE, you have to look at right now. I hope I dont sound ignorant by saying that. I am sure this will all pass I am just getting a little aggrevated and disgusted with this whole process. I have met so many wonderful SMO's on this website and I am so amazed at their determination. I want this surgery SOOOOO BADDDDD, but sometimes I wonder if I want it bad enough. Why dont I have the determination and patience that they have? I have never been one to give up, but I am tired and ready to quit. I am so angry with the person I have become. It shames me to remember my past, besause I have to look at who I am now. What happened?

~~~**Update: 1/16/06**~~~

Wow, what a weekend of mixed emotions. Friday morning I sat and wrote the previous update and was so disgusted with this whole process. I decided to call Dr. Dempsy's office and try to get ahold of his assistant and demand a date or refund or something. I felt like I would explode with anger and foul language if I did not do something soon. Well, that morning I problably tried atleast a half dozen times and got no where... most were no answers and a couple disconnects after I finally got through. I was livid to say the least. Then that afternoon, I got a call from an *ANGEL* who made me think about this more and more and when I was ready to give up for the day and consider it over with Temple, I decided to try ONCE more. I called and asked for Barbara, it was her and when I told her it was me, she put me on hold for what felt like hours. It was 13 minutes... I timed it! LOL When she got back on the phone she said that she was getting his patient schedule and trying to find where I could "fit in." Well I told her ASAP is fine with me and she mentioned that he is seeing patients on the 14th. I was crushed. I thought that I would be going in for a consult on the 14th and not having my surgery until sometime in March. She then said that She will pencil me in for the 14th and as long as I get clearance on the 2nd with Dr. Dempsey and all goes well with my PAT's then we will leave it at the 14th. I was confused and blurted out, "What are you saying??? My surgery is for the 14th???" She said yes and I got silent. I was in shock!!! I called thinking that I was making a date for my final consult with Dr. Dempsey and I actually got my surgery date. All of those feelings of anger and disgust now moved to a numbing feeling throughout my body. Barbara said, "Sipele... you still there???" I laughed and said yes and she explained that I will be going in on Feb. 2nd for my consult and PAT's and surgery on Feb. 14th. Wow! I got off the phone and sat in shock. I immediately called my angel and dear friend, Sue, to make sure that I was not misunderstanding... it feels like this cannot possibly be right... that after all if this trouble I call and finally get a date and there is little standing in the way. It is STILL hard to believe at this point. I hate to see me when it all sinks in. LOL So that is it. Now I find myself scrambling to get ready for this... after thinking I was sooo ready. I guess we will see how ready I actually am in these next few weeks.

As many of you know television will be interupted with award shows these next couple of months and I thought I would give you my own little thank you speach.

And the Award for least patient pre-opper goes to: SipeleK

I just have to say a quick praise to my fellow SMO's on the BMI over 50 boards. I was so touched by the sincere and overwhelming response I got to my surgery date. I thank you all and I am so blessed to have you ALL in my life. To my *ANGEL* Sue, who strives to keep all of us angelettes educated and calm through this WLS rollercoater. I could not have made it this far without you and you mean the world to me. I dont know how your BIG HEART fits in your NEW dainty little body! To my sis, Candy who is far away in distance but close in heart and thoughts. To my PB&J who always finds the time to hunt me down and cheer me up in hiding. To my Auntie Ruth whose middle name is determintation and is a true role model for all of us. And to my dearest Willby, who makes the boards and my life so much better just knowing her.

~~~**Update: 02/01/06**~~~

Well, if all goes well tomorrow with my final surgeon consult and PAT's I will be having surgery on February 14th!!! I have to say that I am not as nervous as I thought I would be... I expected to be a babbling wreck, but I still have time for all of that to sink in... LOL. Don't get me wrong I have my moments of insanity and depression... but it is not a 24 hours a day thing. I had my death and complication worries, especially when preparing my will and power of attorney documents. I just dont picture that to be something a 25 year old does... but then again, how many 25 year olds weigh almost a quarter ton! Oh....That is right, by the way... I said almost a quarter ton... I am no longer 500+ pounds! I have made it to the 484.5 mark. It is a small weight loss and due mostly to water weight but I will take what I can get. Back to my bickering about my will and other pre-surgery documents. Talk about one of the hardest things to do... imagining your death and how your family will react and deal with it is gut wrenching. Trying to pick out family members that will be strong enough and able to understand the decisions they have to make... I would not want anyone to have to make those kind of decisions, but I am confident in my husband, Larry. I know that heaven forbid anything does happen he would carry out my wishes and support my family. I would just pray that God would give him a suport system to cling to. My BIGGEST FEAR in all of this is not being here for him. I have not been given the chance to do for him and to give to him all that he has given to me. I have prayed to God night after night asking him to let this be our new start... to let us get through this surgery safe and sound... and to let us have many happy healthy years together. While fears do still creep in I know that the Lord has our best interests at heart and I will pull through this. One good thing that has come from this is that I am understanding happiness for the first time. I know that no matter what I have to do what is going to make ME happy (this surgery) and it has allowed me to look at other family members and talk to them about their happiness as well. I have always been a "People Pleaser," and still am really, but I am starting to think about what makes God happy, me happy, and Larry happy. What a feeling of relief and joy when you do not feel obligated to make everyone else around you happy. I have such a long way to go, but knowing that I am finally on the right path makes it a journey worth pursuing.

The last couple of weeks I have tried to start a fitday food journal. It was the first time in my life that I actually looked at the food I ate on a daily basis. It is scary and sickening to see the amount of calories that you can take in within one day. If you ever think for one minute that you do not eat that much or that you eat foods that are good for you... try fitday. It will change your life. I knew that I did not eat a balanced diet, that my food choices were poor to say the least, but I did not think that through an entire day that I ate all that much. Most of the time I skipped breakfast or even lunch and still I would eat 4000-5000 calories within a days time. What an eye opener!!! I am completely honest with my journal and for the first time I can be proud, because I see the difference. I am down to 1800-2500 calories per day. It is higher than were I should be but to cut that many calories in just a couple weeks time is a good start for me. I have my bad days and splurge on the occasional treat, but I have more GOOD days than BAD days now and that is a HUGE improvement. This fitday journal (and Larry) have even got me in to the community gym the last few days trying to burn some of those calories. It hurts like hell, I sweat like a pig, and smell like a skunk but I know that any little bit I can do is better than what I have done the last 5 years. Just pray that I dont drop dead from a heart attack before my surgery... LOL!

~~~**Update: 02/17/06**~~~

Okay I thought it might be time that I actually update this profile and let the outside world know what has happened in this WLS process. I went last Thursday (2/9/06) and had a final lab done on for my iron levels since I am anemic. I went early that morning and was told to call my surgeons office on Friday for the results. I did that. They did not receive the results and so I called my PCP's office for them and they did not receive them either, so then we went to the lab where I had them done and they told me that I cannot have access to them, however, my surgeon can call and get them, so I called Barbara back to tell her and she called them to find out that my PCP's office submitted the wrong labwork and my iron levels were not even tested. Barbara asked that the tests be run and we would hear something back on Monday (2/13/06) one day before my surgery. Well Monday morning I called and left a message with my surgeons office to see if anything was heard and Barbara called me back to inform me that Dr. Dempsy decided to take me off his surgey list for Tuesday since we had not gotten the results back and it was too risky to have surgery without the results. I knew that there was a good possibility that it would happen and that it was better to wait for the results and that once I got the results, if all was good, I would be put back on the schedule a few weeks later. Despite all of that, I cried! I was still dissappointed and I think still in shock that it was not going to happen. In the beginning of February as my surgery date began to sink in and as I actually started preparing my will and advaced directive... I got scared, I REALLY considered not having this surgery. This lasted for a good week or so. It took me a few days but a cooler head prevailed and I knew that this was the ONLY way to become healthy and loose the weight I needed to loose and KEEP IT OFF!!! So, with that said... I began to get excited... still very nervous, but I was starting to see that in just a few short days I might actually have finished this phase of my life and began my NEW journey... as a thinner, healthier, me. To be honest, as I found that I was not having the surgery on Tuesday, I started thinking about food, in my head that justified me going off the liquid diet from HELL and finally being able to eat something I could actually chew! So where did I go, McDonalds???? I cant stand McDonalds... I found out they postponed my surgery at 9:30am and was eating my breakfast borrito and sausage biscuit by 10am. How sad!!!! I have known for quite some time that I deal with my emotions with food, but to go that far with this liquid diet and to be that close to surgery and go eat McDonalds (which ended up making me sick) what a let down to myself. I thought I was stronger than this, but maybe not.

My day did not end there with breakfast. After I made all of my calls to family and friends letting them know that I would not be having the surgey, my sister called to tell me that she had a Valentines Day surprise for Larry and I and for my parents. She decided that we needed to get out of the house and get our minds off of this surgery. So she is a COMP Queen over at Harrah's Showboat casino and decided to use some of her FREE nights to get out and have a good time. It was actually a sigh of relief to not sit at home and think this surgery to death. As Larry and I are getting ready to walk out the door and head to Atlantic City the mailman brought our mail by... finally the letter from Aetna... saying that they approved my surgery... not quite. The letter reads, "Please send clinical including six month documentation of medically supervised diet and exercise OR three months of noted from multidisciplinary surgical team." It then goes on to say that I have 45 days to submit this information or a decision will be based solely on the information they have already received. So what do ya know?!?!?!? I went this far to find out that even if my iron levels were okay, my insurance did not even approve me yet. What a bummer, good thing I had a crap load of food and gambling to console me!!! (That was just sarcasm!) As you might have guessed these last few days, I have not been on my liquid diet. Yesterday I started to implement the liquids back into my diet and not eat out as much but I just feel defeated right now. I know the Lord has a plan for me and that this surgery was not meant for me right now and he will show me a better way or a better time for this, but being human I am feeling confused, dissapponted, angry, and disgusted. How long can I live in this almost 500 pound body?

I have a call in to my surgeons office to talkt o them about this letter from Aetna and try to come up with some type of game plan and when I do, I will let you know... Until then... I wish you all the best with your journey.

~~~**Update: 03/19/06**~~~

I wish that I were writing this update with great news, but instead I have no news. Since my last update I did find out that my insurance did give me pre-cert to have the surgery... but it was for 2005. My lovely surgeons office drug their heels and did not schedule me until 2006, so therefore I needed to go through the pre-cert again and they now are requiring that I jumo through a few more hoops before my surgery. They want me to go through the 6 month supervised diet, behaviorial counseling, and nutrition classes. My surgeons office resubmitted my information and are trying to get me approved without this additional work, but we will not know the results until Aetna has a hearing and reviews my case. I have been told that the hearing is scheduled for the beginning of April and I am hoping to know something shortly after. My surgeons office is not allowing me to start my diet until we hear back from them, so there is a good chance that my surgery will be put off until sometime in September or October. What a bummer!!! I have prayed and prayed and I know that God has a plan for me, knowing this is the only way I have managed to stay sane. When I hear more, so will you! Until then, best wishes to all of my fellow SMOs!!! ~God Bless~

~~~**Update: 04/26/06**~~~

Okay, first of all I know it has been way too long since my last update. I am sorry about that. I did get denied from my insurance company. I received a letter letting me know that I did not meet all the requirements to qualify for the surgery and that I will need further testing and consultaion. Basically I need to do a 6 month sup diet, get nutritional counseling, and go to behavioral therapy and re-apply. It was hard to take in... I knew it was coming but getting the letter and knowing that it was finally denied... I guess it hit home a little. I just feel like I was so close and now I feel as if I have to start all over... I suppose it is that feeling of defeat... I HATE that feeling, lol! I am not giving up... I am going to go through with the diet and play the little insurance/surgeons game but I am not going to make it my life's mission any more. I am going to trust in God and see where he leads me... if it is back to the surgery and this surgeon then, I will be estatic, but I just feel like I tried so hard to make this surgery happen in my time and not let it happen in God's time... I have a hard time with that... control and patience. In the mean time I think that God had a reason for not giving me this surgery right now. I am having femine health issues that really need to be addressed right now and I do not know if they could have complicated my surgery but I am just happy that I am getting them corrected and hopefully when and if the surgery happens... nothing will stand in my way! My hubby Larry and I are adopting a baby. She is due in June and we could not be more thrilled. I have not been able to have children and being blessed with this opportunity means the world to us. In a perfect world, Larry and I would have perferred to be healthier and more financially stable... who wouldnt be when it comes to having children and raising kids, but we just dont know when or if an opportunity would come by again and we are "grabbing it" and not letting go. I am a new mother and I welcome the wisdom that all of you have. I am so excited, nervous, and scared.. all wrapped into one... I pray everyday that God is going to give me the energy, the mobility, and the ability to take care of a child. I know in a few short months SHE will be my exercise routine! I have managed to loose a few pounds... I think the last count was around 47 lbs... I dont see it and my waist doesnt feel it but I will take it! I am hoping that with the baby and my sup diet I will continue to gradually shed a few more pounds...I would love to just fit in my old fat girl clothes again.... I never thought I would say it but I miss those elastic waist, big enough to clothe a third world country pair of jeans! And shoes... NO MORE VELCRO!!! LOL Awww, well I guess that wraps up another interesting update on my life thus far. I wish you all the best with your surgery and I hope to hear from you all. I would like to send a shout out to TT to remind me that you are all out there thinking of me & an update is always appreciated. To my mentors: Sue, Candy, Ruth, Marge, Tanja, Willby, Deb, & Carmen... I am waving to you "LOSERS" from the "fat girl bench"... thank you all for keeping me in touch and not giving up on me. Love you, miss you, Best Wishes & God Bless!

~~~**Update: 05/18/06**~~~

Okay yet another month goes by and my news has again changed dramatically. First, the adoption fell through... that is all I am really going to say about that right now, it is still a little hard to deal with and I am not really wanting to talk about it. Anyhow, on to more interesting information!, Not Really, lol! I went to the OBGYN Oncologist and was suppose to get a colposcopy done because I have a pap that came back saying I have dysplasia (pre- cacerous cells) and so anyhow I went to the oncologist and before he could start the procedure he found a large pollyp and told me that I would have to have it removed asap. With all of that said... last Friday I had emergency minor surgery to remove the pollyp and they did a DNC hysteroscopy to try to control my bleeding, I bleed everyday and heavily on most... it has been that way for years. So anyhow, everything went fine... I was tired and worn out and my back killed me for a few days but I am feeling better now. They gave me a spinal instead of general anasteshia and I think that hurt more that anything, lol. It was my very first surgery and I have to say that I am now terrified of the pain of this WLS. I am such a baby. I have not received the results yet fromt he tests they have done, I have a follow-up appt with the OBGYN on Thursday and hopefully all is well. They did remove the pollyp and found that it was the only one, thank God! It was hoewever over 3 inches long and right at the base of my uterus and had me dialated to 3. They are thinking that could be a big part of my constant bleeding. I bet you just can't wait for me to change the subjest, right?!?! Okay on to newer delopments, my hubby was offered a job transfer to Iowa in the beginning of 2006 and with my surgery and the two failed adoptions we did not think that the move would be a good idea. Well since my surgery has been put on hold for six months through this diet phase and the last failed adoption, Larry decided to go ahead and take the position and we are going to be making the move to Iowa. We are currently looking for a place to live and trying to get all the kinks worked out of our move and then... hopefully... we will be on our way. His company is wanting us out there ASAP, but I think we are looking more along the lines of July 1st or so. I am sure thast may change, and with the way our plans have worked out lately, who knows what I will be posting a month from now, but I guess for now it gives us something to work towards. Please stay posted and I will let you know IF and WHEN things change yet again! Love ya all and best wishes!

~~~**Update: 06/26/06**~~~

Yet another month passes and my plans they are a changing!!! First I have to let you all know that we are, "On The Move!" We are leaving Wednesday, July 5th and headed to Iowa. We got an amazing deal on an apartment... they are brand new and only 7 minutes from my hubby's company so he is thrilled to get away from this Jersey commute. We are estatic about the price and general cost of living out there compared to the east coast. I grew up in Kansas, so I am not too worried about the change of pace and the crime is pratically non-existant compared to the Philly metro area, lol!!!. We did however do the unthinkable... we agreed to an apartment and a transfer... sight unseen :( It is a little scary but it is only one year of our life as far as the apartment goes and I am trying to convince myself that Iowa is just another Kansas... but closer to the MALL OF AMERICA, lol. I have started researching Iowa for bariatric clinics in the area and hopefully within the next year I can report back that I am well on my way to a thinner, healthier me!!! Wish me luck on finding a better surgeon than the mess I got myself into with Temple. Until, next time...when I will be writing from the great state of Iowa... Best Wishes & God Bless!

~~~**Update: 09/27/05**~~~

Well, its early in the morning and I can't sleep. My hubby has an odd schedule and his shift changes back and forth from days to nights every 4 weeks. It is hard for me to sleep when he is gone at night. It is not like we sleep together... I have to sleep in the chair because of my weight/back/breathing/cpap machine. It is just weird for me to be alone at night... I'm a scaredy cat!!!... and speaking of cats... we have three... they sleep with my husband... as soon as he hits the sheets they are right next to him on his arm... do they sleep with me???? NOOOOOO!!!! Of course they want to get up on my big belly while I'm watching tv and have me pet them but when its time to cuddle... forget it! I don't know what it is about my belly but cats and kids love it!!! My little cousins and nephews always want to climb up on me and go to sleep... I guess my belly is like a waterbed... kids always love those... and it is big enough. One of my little cousins, Collin, told me that he doesn't want me to get skinny becuase he loves me and my belly... how cute!!! He is like my own... I took care of him and his sister everyday while I lived in Kansas since he was about 2 months old and he is now going on 4. Wow they grow up so fast. I love kids so much and have so many seperation issues it is crazy. I have helped raise others kids but have none of my own... it kills me sometimes. I want a family so badly and we started the adoption process in Kansas... since we had to move... we gave it up... I thought about it here in NJ and after surgery we plan to try again but... we had alot of family issues arise and my health became worse... I don't think it is right to put kids through this right now and it is not fair to my hubby to have to take care of him, me, and kids, all on his own.
I am a frequent poster on the BMI over 50 boards and they have these great "5 Question" posts that help to get to know each other better... anyway... there was a question the other day that has really stuck with me... it was something to the effect of: if you could change one thing in you life what would it be???? I wrote something silly like: use lotion everyday... I have dry skin!!! Well, that is very true... I do have really dry skin, but the fact is... as I kept thinking and thinking about it... there are many mistakes in my life. I wish I had done some things differently... but if I had... I would not be where I am today. I know, I know, I'm fighting for my life... I am having major WLS... it is not that I don't want to change that, but NEVER be fat... wish I were skinny... or less than what I am today... I honestly don't think so. I think that this experience of being a SMO... no matter how horrible it is sometimes... is what has made me who I am... as I have the surgery and loose the weight I will never loose the memory and the feeling of this... this is how I know that I WILL NOT be one of those people who are rude, inconsiderate, and unfeeling to obesity. I will have been on the other side and can have compassion and true acceptance of SMO's that just does not exist in thin people. Even if they are supportive... they do not feel the REAL pain and emotion of being obese. It is something they will never truly get. I think that this is why the post-oppers on the boards are so kind and understanding... they were sitting here... typing thier trials and tribulations just the same as I am doing now. I am scared to think of how narrow minded, inconsiderate, nieve, selfish, and plain ignorant I would have been to grow up skinny and not learn the lessons I have from being obese.
There were of course other things that I thought about changing besides my weight, but you know... everything is tied together... if I had gone straight to college, I would have never had been there for my sister, my family, my friends. I would have never have met my husband... which I think is the BEST thing that ever happened to me. It's silly really... sometimes I think that I would be better off dead... that my life is crap... but when it comes down to it... I think I have more good than bad in my life... I wouldn't change a thing!

~~~**Update: 09/28/05**~~~

Yesterday had to be the perfect example of how much it sucks to be fat! I made an appointment to go back to the dr since after a week my ear is still hurting and becoming swollen again. My husband returned home around 8am from woking a 15 hour shift and becasuse I am too fat to fit behind the steering wheel... he had to stay awake and take me to the doctor's appointment at 9:30am. When we get there... I am of course in REAL pain and trying to fit my 30" wide butt into 20" wide chairs...I was about to burst into tears, I don't know which pain was worst... my legs or my ear... they call me back and tell me to get up on his table/bench... yeah, like thats a good idea! I had to use my husband help me to push myself up there and I thought I was going to crash through the floor, taking everything out around me. After 2 minutes up there my legs are already numb and my feet are swelling like balloons. My doctor comes in... looks at my ear... and says, yeah... you have swimmers ear. Duh!!! I have had it for the past week... I explain to him... you are the one that told me to go to th ER when we called you... he then told me that I have to go to an Ear, Nose, & Throat Specialist... there is nothing he can do for me..... I swear I had fire coming out of my ear (the good one.) Why did I waste my time coming to your office sitting in your skinny A** chairs... when you knew on the phone that you would not be able to help me???? I did not say that... he is helping with my surgery... I need him... for now. But I really felt like it. So anyway back to the story... they make the appointment for 1pm in the afternoon... it is not even 10:30 in the morning. He gave me a rx for percocet and tells me to wait till noon to take one, yeah right! So to the pharmacy... then to the house... where I have to climb 5 steps to get to my apartment building, too bad I can't go up the steps... my husband has to go up in front of me then help pull me up... how embarrassing! By the time we get home I am going into lala land with the pills kicking in and we have just enough time for an hour nap before we go to the specialist. Remind you my hubby has got NO sleep so far. When we get to the specialist... yet another office with skinny chairs... I litterally could not fit in these chair at all. I had a quarter of a cheek on them... maybe. It was hot and I was sweating like a pig. The office was divided into two sections and I watched as others would file in going straight to the other side of the room trying not to look at me in the face. So there I sat in pain for close to an hour with my husband... all alone on our side. We watched while others who came after me went right in to see the dr and I just continued to sit... if you can call it that. I got to the point that I was about to scream... my husband sat one chair over with his eyes closed and I had to wake him to ask for a chair without arms... I could not take it anymore. He went up to the window very quietly and asked if they had a chair I could use and the lady behind the window yells to the lady in another room... Do we have a big enough chair for his wife in the waiting room??? They bring a chair out... and the same people who tried so hard to avoid looking at me now starred at me like I had a terminal deisease or something. Eventually we went into the room and a female doctor comes in and talks to me about my pain... the ER visit I had... and the meds I was on... she then tells me that another doctor will be in in a minute to see me. Great, I get to go through all of this for the fifth time... first the nurses then the doctors... the thing is I am in PAIN.. my ear is hurting, swollen shut and my jaw is swollen and pops everytime I open it. I DID NOT want to talk. I am sitting in the same chair they brought out to the waiting room because I am too big to fit in his chair also. When he walks in he looks at me and precedes past me to a table. With his back to me he asks about the ER... says they are a bunch of idiots and I wasted my time there. They did not do a culture and that really seem to tick him off. He looked in my ear and said there was still a wick in there... I thought it had fallen out... he said it was severely infected and thats it. He took a culture of my ear... it hurt like hell. He gets this machine and I ask him what he is doing and he doesn't say anything to me... the femal doctor had to explain that he was going to clean my ear out... I asked if it would hurt and again nothing from him... He shoved this black thing into my ear... it hurt so bad I had tears in my eyes and He took this little sucking device and started to clean my ears... the pain was horrible and as I wimpered he told me to "calm down and be quiet." Okay I don't know about you, but I basically took that as a, "shut up." Let me get this right... I have a "severly" bad ear infection and your pressing crap into my ear and then telling me to shut up... I was pist!!! After he got done with that... he got out more supplies and I again asked what he was doing... again I got nothing from him... The female doctor said that he had to put a new wick in my ear... I grabbed my husbands hand and just started to squeeze. He then told me that he was finished and started writing an rx for ear drops and pain... my husband told him that I already had pain pills and he told me I didn't write it down... I looked at him said yes I did and walked out of the room. My husband stayed behind to get the rx and the doctor told him I would have to come back in two weeks.. He then told my husband thank you and if I have any problems with the pain to give him a call, blah blah blah blah blah... what was he trying to do??? Suck up now that the damage was done. I had to wait for my husband at the desk and set the appt for two weeks, he came up to the desk and told me he hoped I feel better and he would see me in two weeks... Please don't make me sick... he didn't say crap to me in the room... So I looked at him and said yeah, right... then I turned around and wobbled right out of his office. By the time we got home... My husband had been up for over 25 hours and had to call out half the night to get some sleep. All because I'm too fat to do for myself. What a great day!

~~~**Update: 10/04/05**~~~

Well, I have been throwing myself a little bit of a pitty party the last couple of days. My ear is STILL infected and I am getting cellulitis in my legs again. They are so swollen and numb that I can barely walk. I have to keep them elevated most of the day and take another antibiotic. I am going to start pulling my hair out soon because of all of these drugs they have me on. I am so tired of having to pop a pill or ten every couple of hours. I can't wait to have this surgery and get my health in order. I have been off the boards and out of the chatrooms for a couple of days now becasue of my legs and becasue of my pissy mood lately. It is hard to cheer yourself up when you are facing the fact that you will be bound to a couch very soon if your life doesn't change. But with the help of my SMOres I am getting out of this rut I've been in and am finally getting my senses back. What a support group I have. I missed one late night chat session and they bombarded me with email and well wishes. I cannot imagine the WLS journey without the SMO boards and without my SMO girls. To all of you that pulled me back up, I thank you from the bottom of my heart... you know who you are!!! And for those that read my journey and are just starting out on their own... I wish you ALL the love and support these girls have given to me!

~~~**Update: 10/11/05**~~~

Well, I went to TUH today for my first set of tests today. I first went in for a Vascular Lab. It was a little painful because of the swelling in my legs. But no blood clot were found, so thats a good thing. The whole procedure only lasted 5 minutes, then I had to sit in a waiting room for my next test... the Echocardiogram. This one was set for 2:30pm and I sat there for an hour and a half before they told me that my referral was wrong. I had to call my PCP's office and get it all straightened out. Eventually I got in to do it though and again all was good. They tried 3 times to put an IV in me for a contrast but they could not get it. Hurt like hell and I'm terrified of needles!!! Lastly was my Pulmonary Function Test, the people were so great in this department. Very nice and professional. I did 5 different breathing tests and had to have blood drawn for blood gas test. I had to walk back and forth for 6 minutes and thought I was gonna die. But I did get some good news. I have gone from 518lbs to 513lbs!!! I HAVE LOST 5 WHOLE POUNDS!!!! Wooo Hooo!!! I have been going up and up and up lately, so I am hoping that this is the mark of a new beginning on my loosing streak!!! My next set of tests is Monday the 17th!!! I am almost there!!! Skinny in 06' here I come!

~~~**Update: 10/12/05**~~~

Just wanted to quickly update my profile. My earache is finally gone!!! No pain, No swelling, and I CAN HEAR AGAIN!!!! It feels so nice to talk on the phone and be able to change ears again! I go back to the a**hole doctor Thursday to make sure everything is okay. Then no more a**hole doctor either!!!! This is turning out to be quite a nice week!!! LOL

~~~**Update: 11/08/05**~~~

Well, I know it has been a while since I last updated this SMO journal of mine but Ihave had a lot going on this last month or so. I have completed all but 2 of my tests... the Upper Gi ans the Ultrasound RUQ, which I am schedualed for this Friday, 11/11/05. After that I will I was told that all the info would be sent for insurance approval and upon approval I would start pre-admission testing and get a surgery date. I can't believe it is finally going to happen. I have waited for so long and now it all comes down to my insurance. I am so worried. I have Aetna Select EPO and I was told that Aetna is very tough to get approval. I just have to pray that all will work out.

On another note, I got an angel. Sue Cohen. She lives in PA about 40 minutes from me and I have actually got to meet her. What an experience. Having an angel has made such a drastic difference in my life and my outlook on this procedure. She is 14 months post-op and has really taught me so much about my health, the surgery, and my life after surgery. She has truly given me hope for a better healthier future. It is so wonderful to be able to see the difference this surgery can make in someone's life and how much energy and joy they get from being able to move and live in this world... out from under our SMO shells. Sue is an AMAZING angel. She has supplied me with books, papers to prepare me for the surgery, samples and examples of protein and bars that I will need after the surgery and best of all she has introduced me to people in her life that has gone through this with her and they have told me from their experience what they have gone through and what she has gone through. I could not get any better of information than that of those who have gone through it themselves and I am so grateful to be able to have that. She is a true inspiration fromthe surgery stand point but also the angel stand point. She comes to visit most weekends now and I have been ouit and about with her getting fresh air and exercise... it feels so great to move and interact with people who understand me and my limitations and accept them. She actually took me shopping with her to find her some clothes. I got to experience on of her WOW moments as she tried on a pair of size 18 jeans with a zipper... and they fit!!! It was an honor to be there for that and we barely knew each other... but living this SMO life we understand thses victories despite how well we actually know each other. For me, it was like getting to dress a barbie doll... you find all these clothes you would love to be able to fit into and look good in and you put in on this "barbie" so you can dream of the day that you look like this barbie... well, for me... Sue was that Barbie! I can actually look at these clothes and know that one day I too might wear that pair of jeans or fit in that cute little shirt. It gives me so much hope and passion to have this surgery and make the life changes that it requires. Thank you Sue for brightening my life and the outlook on my future. I am hoping to add a pictue of my angel Sue and I very soon.

~~~**Update: 4/27/05**~~~

I now weigh 495lbs. and I am scheduled for my second consultation with a surgeon. This is through Temple University. I went to Virtua Voorhees, they have a weight restriction of 400 lbs. and the program is pretty new. I tried to get into the Barix Clinic, however they would not accept my insurance (Aetna Select). I have heard many good things about them. If all goes well at the consultation, I should have surgery by summer's end... I can't wait!!!!!!!!!!!

~~~**Update: 9/2/05**~~~

Well, finally I have selected a surgeon and am slowly making progress. I chose Dr. Dempsy at Temple University. He seems to have a good reputation and has the most experience with the surgery I am having (OPEN RNY). I have also been told that Temple has preformed surgery on many patients as large or larger than I am. I am now tipping the scales at 509 lbs. The 13th of this month I will be 25 years old and I weigh over a quarter ton! :-( I can't wait for this surgery! We had to pay $600.00 for misc. testing and I finally got my testing packet last week. I have tests and consultations through December, so my hope of having surgery this year is gone. My doctor told me the new WLS rate is 1 in every 75.... that's scary.

~~~**Update: 9/13/05**~~~

Today is my 25th Birthday! We are having a wild party over on the BMI 50+ boards. You all have made a depressing day, not so depressing and I thank all of you.
Today is rough. I have gotten to the point in my life that I have feared for many, many years. In the last 3 months I have slowly become less and less independent to the point that I now cannot drive, cannot make it up steps, cannot walk more than 10 steps without feeling like I am going to drop to the ground and die, I cannot stand for more than 5 minutes without my feet and legs swelling up to the size of a hot air balloon, cannot lay in a bed, cannot breathe... even with the help of several medications and breathing machines, cannot cook, cannot clean, cannot even take GOOD care of personal hygeine... this is driving me crazy. I now have to rely on my husband, Larry, for assistance with everything I do and it KILLS me to have to do that. He is a great man and he does it with no complaints at all. He works 15 hour days, at least 5 days a week and then comes home to take care of me... how can I do this to him... what's worse is that he is older than me... by several years. When we met and fell in love, I wanted to take care of him... to give him the love and support that he has never been given. To show him that he does not have to constantly do for others and never receive help, and love, and support. Now, instead, I am one more person in his life that he has to take care of. One more person that he has to worry about and one more person that he has to go out and work day after day to support, while he receives no help. I believe that marriage is a partnership and that I should be out there bringing in my share of income, not letting him work himself to death just to make ends meet. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! I can't stand this, Dear God, give me the strength to make it through this... to see the light at the end of the tunnel and to know that this is just a temporary setback and things WILL get better.

~~~**Update: 9/15/05**~~~

Well, it is 7:33am (ET) and I still have not been to bed yet. As if getting a wheel chair on your 25th birthday is not enough... I went to a weight loss center yesterday and got weighed and measured... the results were devastating! I had to take my shoes off (which is a challenge in itself) and I am only 5ft 5in tall. Not that I think that is horrible... but when you think you're 5ft 7in and already have a bmi in the 80's... you want to keep any height you can get. Plus on top of that... I gained 11lbs!!! :-( I have been drinking diet shakes for weeks... what the heck. That means my new bmi is 86+. OOOhhhh, and it doesn't stop there... I have my appointment with the nutritionist on Monday and I was told at my consultation that I cannot gain more that 10lbs. before my suregery or they would not accept me. I have been retaining alot of water and I am ALWAYS bloated so I am praying that with the water pills I am taking, I can get a lb or two off before Monday.
I am going to try a medically supervised weight loss program to try to lose some weight before surgery. My surgeon/insurance is not asking me too, but I FIGURE IT WON'T HURT! My husband and I both have diabetes and his is WAY out of control so I figure this can benefit both of us. I have to get with my PCP and get refferals and bloodwork done, but I hope to start in a week or so. I am also starting water aerobics in October at the Y. I don't know if I will like it, but I have to so something to exercise. The thought of hanging out at the Y is not my idea of fun... don't get me wrong... I LOVE LOVE LOVE children, but I don't think they need to see me in a swimsuit or in the water... it could scar them for life.
I am going to ***TRY*** to update my profile in the next week or so and add some pics... BEWARE! This is your warning. Anyhow, I will try to keep a better journal from this point on.

~~~**Update: 09/19/05**~~~

I went to the ER this morning becasue of my darn left ear. It has been bothering me for the last couple of days now and the dr called in a rx for me for an antibiotic and some tylenol w/ codine yesterday. You would think the codine would have made it better... but it has only gotten worse. My ear and jaw are swollen and there is something nasty coming from my ear. The ER doctor said I have "swimmers ear." He gave me another anitbiootic drop for my ear and put me on percocet. I have to say... the percocet is much better for the pain. Unfirtunely though... I am dizzy and drowsy all day long and I have my appointment with the nutritionist today. I am going to take a nap and pray that I feel better in a couple hours. It took me forever trying to get this appointment... please God don't let me miss this!!!

~~~**Update: 09/20/05**~~~

Well, I missed the appointment! I had to call and reschedule and now I have to wait another month. My new appointment is for October 17, 2005 at 6pm. What a bummer! There is no way I could have attended. I can't hear out of my left ear and all day long I kept saying, "what???" or "what did you day?" to my husband... it is driving me nuts! (And probably him too!) The pain is still there but if I keep popping the percocets its seems to fell better temporarily. As for the swelling, it doesn't feel much different at all. I am talking with a lisp and my jaw is popping everytime I move it. The good thing is, my appitite is gone. Besides water and noodles I haven't had much to eat. The doctor says I should see and feel a difference by Wednesday of Thursday. These pills are knocking me out... I am constantly sleeping. It helps to not think about the pain though. It has been so bad that I haven't had the energy to watch the boards or do any chatting lately. That's kinda crazy for me... I have become addicted to the bmi over 50 boards and to late night chatting. I hope everyone is well and believe me as soon as I feel better I will be back!

~~~**Update: 09/21/05**~~~

Still have swelling and still on the meds...now I'm having issues with my asthma... when will this get better???? I am just plain tired of all this and I want to feel better already. I got a call from my PCP's office and finally got the remaining referrals for the testing I need for WLS. I need to call and make appontments but I can't talk (to be understood) and I don't know when I will be better to actually set them up. My PCP also authorized my medically supervised diet. I am exiceted about that! I have to do some bloodwork and I should be able to start in a week or so. My hubby has diabetes and he is doing it too. We can be each others support, which I know we will need to succeed. We have a horrible habit of eating out with his schedule. My PCP says I need to start some physical activity but wants me to wait... can you believe that??? He says to make small steps and to not overdue it. I still plan on taking water aerobics at the Y, when I'm not sure yet. Okay, hopefully the next time I write it's to say I am better and finally making progress of this diet and WLS. And if you girls from the over 50 boards are checking out my profile... I will be back soon!

~~~**Update: 09/24/05**~~~

Well, I am feeling much better this morning. I have slight swelling in the ear and jaw but most of my pain is gone!!! Still can't hear out of my left ear... I still have antibiotics and I'm hoping a few more days of them will clear this mess up. I can't wait to get into a HOT shower and brush through this mess I call hair. I just don't know what to do with all of this long, curly. thick, frizzie hair. I am so tempted to chop it all off... but I had short hair as a child and man... did it look BAD! I know that with this weight gain... my four chins are going to hang lower than my hair. lol! I normally twist it and stick it in a bun... that's a great look... huge... hawaiian...long black hair in a bun... you guessed it! SUMO!!!! I miss the days I would style and straighten my hair, wore make-up, paid for my pretty, french manicure and painted my toenails.... awww... those were the days! I can't even keep my arm up in the air long enough to dry my hair... let alone style it... and make up... whats the point... really??? By the time I get dressed it will sweat its way off my face and onto my shirt. Let's not even talk about shaving... unless I'm seeing a doctor... forget about it. Luckily, I don't have a problem with hairy legs... my father says that hawaiians are not real hairy people by nature. It takes him years to get a slight mustache. I don't know if it is because of my excessive weight gain or what but all of a sudden I am getting alot of facial hair....... JUST GREAT! I thought about getting that laser hair removal, but I figure I should wait until after I have surgery... just incase of any bodily changes.... I don't want to have to pay for it twice. Plus... until I have the surgery I want to wait on all major changes to my look... it will give me a GRANDER before and after look, I figure. You know, something to look forward to.

~~~**Update: 09/26/05**~~~

Today has been a day of mixed emotions. My ear infection, which I thought was getting much better has returned. It is not swollen, but the pain is back. It feels like I have liquid in my ear and I cannot hear at all. This is driving me crazy... it has been atleast a week now and still having to put up with this crap!!! I am going to have to call the dr in the morning and get something done. I have alot of testing coming up in the next couple weeks and I REALLY need to be able to hear them. On the flip side... I called Temple today to make some appointments for testing that I had to wait on for referrals. There was a BIG mix up with ALL of my appointments and I was in tears... some appointments were cancelled and I was never notified... others they never even had record of... and the rest were on totally different days & times than the schedule THEY GAVE me. I was loosing it fast... I spoke to atleast 6 different people telling me 6 different stories and no one wanted to help... the last lady I spoke to told me to find my pre-surgery packet and find out who sent it to me... yeah like they write their name on it or something!?!?!?!?!? I got off the phone... slamming it down quite hard... and I felt like I was about to have stroke. I was pissed off, upset, worried, tears coming down my face thinking this is it... I will NEVER have this surgery... I started praying to God... First to give me the strengh to pull myself together and quit crying like a baby... next, to give me a sign that I AM SUPPOSE TO HAVE THIS SURGERY... I made a promise to Him that I would pursue this WLS as long as He gave me the "okay" to do so... I truly believe that this surgery is part of "my plan" in His eyes. Finally, I asked that if I am to have the surgery... that He tell me how to fix this situation. I sat there for a minute or two... I guess you can say I was waiting for that sign I asked for... I stopped my crying... got up out of my chair and got that packet of papers for ore-surgery and just started reading every single page... looking for any little hint of who might have sent it to me. I received a Patient Check List... this is the form that all of my "wrong appointments" were on. I kept looking and looking... there were atlest a dozen phone numbers to call for scheduling additional appointments, canceling appointments, and directions etc. Then I seen a number for their access center that I should call to verify my Vascular Lab Appt. I called it, thinking I would probably find this one to be cancelled too, but I was trying to psych myself up and keep positive. I spoke to what sounded to be a yourger gentleman... he even sounded happy to be at work... what a difference from the other half dozen people I had spoke to that morning. I explained my situation and the fact that all my appointments were wrong and I guess he heard my sadness through the phone, but he first apologized to me... told me he was sorry that I had to go through all of this... he stated that this was infact the department that sets up all the pre-testing for bariatric surgery and then he put me on hold for maybe a minute... when he came back he said he was going to transfer me to his supervisor... I immediately thought something was wrong... or atleast weird... they NEVER transfer you to their supervisor... even when you demand to speak to one!!! I know, I have worked call centers for years. Anyway, back to my story. Joe, the head of the Bariatric Program got on the phone and again apologized. He pulled up my records and went through each appointment. He told me that alot of the dates are in act correct and the few that the doctors cancelled... he rescheduled for me ( I even got closer dates on most of these.) I of course asked him several times if he was SURE that these are correct and that I am not going to show up and have to turn around and go back home... He said no, gave me all his info and said if I have any problems to call him while I'm there in the building and he would take care of it... we'll see! As for God, I think he blessed me today!!! My tests were scheduled clear into late December and now the latest appointment I have is for mid November... that's 6 weeks earlier than expected!!!

~~Here is my pre-testing schedule as of today~~

October 11th:

Vascular Lab... Completed 10/11
Echocardiogram... Completed 10/11
Pulmonary Function Test... Completed 10/11

October 17th:

Pulmonary Consult... Completed 10/17
Cardiology Consult... Completed 10/24
Pre-Operative Teaching Class... Completed 10/24

October 19th:

Psychiatry Consult... Completed 10/19

October 27th:

Nutritionist Consult... Completed 10/27

November 11th:

Ultrasound RUQ... Completed 11/11
Upper GI Series... Completed 11/11

Labwork... Completed 10/27

As of 11/11 all testing has been completed and waiting for all testing results to be forwarded to Dr. Dempsey's office.

Thank You Lord!!!! There might actually be a light at the end of this tunnel!!!