ShyGrrl74

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Yee-haw!!  As of this morning, I'm halfway to my ideal body weight!!  I'm so excited. And I just can't hide it! 

I woke up on the Sunday after Thanksgiving & felt like me again for the first time since surgery. I've felt like me ever since.  I almost have to remind myself I've had surgery, because it's very easy to forget.

Thankfully, I've never puked, but I did have issues with the other end a time or two, but that's it.  I'm working out now & my surgeon has given me the green light to do whatever kind of workout I want to do. 

I'm also pretty much free to foods, but now, it's all about choices.  I'll still have bad reactions if I eat something bad, but it doesn't feel like I'm being deprived or missing anything now.  Was at a party last weekend & people were eating cake.  I was curious what was in the middle layer, but that's it.  I had no desire to eat even a bite because I knew the sugar would make me sick.  I'm sure I could easily slip back into old habits right now, but I CHOOSE not to.  I didn't go thru all of this for nothing! 

I've yet to get back into the swing of things with regards to working out, tho, I must admit.  I have found a free online personal trainer program that I've decided to give a shot.  Make someone else 'the boss of me" to get my butt up & moving.  I started it last night.  Hamstrings aren't too happy with me today, but man I feel better just for having worked out. 

Yep, I feel like me again!  Woo!!!

Had my six week follow-up last week.  My dietician wants me to lose about 50 lbs before my next appointment in May.  That'll be about the extent of what I lose just from the surgery, she says.  The rest is all up to me. 

I'm four weeks out tomorrow.  I've only lost 19 lbs.  I know there's no way I would've lost 19 lbs on my own before surgery, but it seems awful slow compared to everyone else on here. 

I used to read wow moments & success stories for motivation.  Helped me to be excited for my surgery & to see my progress. 

Week #1 - Gained 9 lbs
Week #2 - lost the 9 lbs plus 12
Week #3 - 2 week post-op appointment, down a total of 16 lbs
Week #4 (now) - I'm down 19 lbs. 

I know I'm not exercising - I'm weak. 
I'm not getting enough protein - it's all disgusting & I can't seem to force myself to drink more than a couple sips. 
I'm not getting enough liquids.  I'm thirsty, which means I'm dehydrated, but I can't gulp like I want to.  Like I need to.
I'm in phase III of the diet stages (there's only four stages in my program) and last night was my first meal that made me ill.  I didn't vomit, but it felt horrible. 

I was supposed to return to work today, but I didn't.  Working from home.  Feeling guilty.  But I'm weak.  I have to commute on a train & I don't have the strength to stand & ride. 

Yep, today is a depressed day. 

And my surgery date is here.  I've managed to calm my nerves. How so?  Well, apparently, I was more anxious about having a confirmed ride home from the hospital than I am about the surgery.  I was counting on my brother who is a total flake.  I've known my date since the beginning of October & everytime I've discussed with him "the plan" he's had a completely different response.  The day of my pre-op, he was sure he would be there for me.  "Of course" he says.  Then a couple days ago, he's suddenly saying he's working.  In response to my temper tantrum, he said he didn't know if he was working yet, that the schedule comes out Friday.  Still not comforting.  Later, the response changed to that of if he is scheduled to work that he was going to switch shifts with someone.  Well that makes no sense to his earlier comments of "What time are you being released?  I should be getting off work about 5:00 or 6:00..." 

He's always been like this.  Not one to rely on.  But I always believed that in times of need, he'd be there.  So, this is just plain frustrating.  While on some twisted level, I expect this from him, I can't wait until the last minute to dig up a ride from the hospital.  I vented to a friend of mine yesterday & she very quickly cut me off & insisted that she's take me from the hospital to my parents house (where I'll be staying for at least a week). 

Suddenly all my anxiety that'd been building up daily all week since Sunday - is gone.  I am me again.  I'm fine.  I'm calm.  Is it Monday yet? 

In less than 10 days, I'll have had my surgery.  I'm trying not to think about it and just focus on the recovery. 

I'm delighted to find my weight continues to decline.  Some people are asking me if that inspires me to just continue to do this on my own instead of the surgery.  Um, no.  I've come too far to drop out now.  And honestly, it's working towards the surgery that's kept me motivated to stick to the 1200 calorie diet & exercise.  So, what's going to make me stick to it after surgery?  Same response - the surgery.  I am determined to make sure I'm not going thru all this for nothing. 

I've also just realized that (if there's no complications) I may be able to have a bite of turkey on Thanksgiving.  Mind you, that's not a really big deal to me - I'm not that big of a fan of turkey.  But, it's tradition (and protein!). 

Kinda makes me sniffle... as does seeing the scale get farther & farther from the 300's.  :) 

About a week ago, I got my date:  November 1st.  I have my pre-op this coming Friday the 15th.  My emotions have been all over the place.  When I first got the date, the whole day, I felt so excited I could run laps around the block but at the same time so nervous & scared that I could puke.

I find myself having so many different cravings.  I just tell myself it's the excitement & nerves about the surgery & busy myself, ignoring all temptations (it ain't easy!!). 

My emotions finally exploded this past Friday night / Saturday morning as a friend posted a picture of me from 10 years ago on Facebook.  Wow, I'm huge.  I don't think I've ever thought I even remotely looked like that.  And what's more, I'm about 5lbs heavier now than I am in that picture.  I was already feeling like it wasn't real, it wasn't gonna happen or maybe it wasn't gonna work.  This picture felt like, "See?  Look how big you've been?  You've been very big a very long time. It's never gonna change." 

I tried to just focus on my "textbook" from my surgeon, my preparations, etc.  I decided to start my Xmas shopping.  Focus my energy elsewhere.  I vented to a few friends & family about how I'd been feeling.  Boy, no kidding - a good source of support around you really is very important.  My friend who posted the picture brought me to tears when she said she's very proud of me, excited for me & told me that no matter what I'd "always been a total babe.  And a kind & sweet person to boot." 

So, I'm doing my best to not eat thru these emotions.  Instead, I started interval training on Sunday.  Man!  The workout gets to be cut in half & I burn 20% more calories, but I'm sweating like a waterfall when I'm done!!  You know what?  It feels good.  :)  In many different ways.

I am nervous that I won't be at my surgery goal weight at my pre-op appointment this Friday, so I'm kind of hell bent on working out like a total nut job all week. 

Ahhhhh... I'm in the home stretch & then the next chapter of my life begins.  Bring it on.

I first spoke to my doctor about an interest in the surgery back in April.  I attended an informational class in May.  I had orientation at Kaiser in Fremont in June.  I had my consultation in July.  Everything seems to be zipping along.  Unfortunately, my birthday is in August & I guess I overly celebrated & only dropped a half a pound instead of the remaining 3 that I needed to drop in order to schedule surgery.  I had my psychiatric evaluation at the beginning of September.

I'm feeling VERY anxious now.  I'm wondering how long of a wait it'll be after I hit that pre-op weight goal.  I know at the orientation they said it all depends on us & how we progress with our weight loss. 

I am trying to take pride in the smaller achievements I've made thus far.  I've owned a very nice treadmill for four years but have always been unable to use it due to being over it's weight limit.  I've been able to use it now for a couple weeks.  Makes me wanna cry.

I'm sure that surgery date will be here before I know it, but in the meantime, I'm feeling extremely anxious.